讓孩子學(xué)會感恩 身教重于言傳

At the Branstens' modern white dining table, the family holds hands for their nightly ritual.

布朗斯唐(Bransten)家現(xiàn)代風(fēng)格的白色餐桌旁，一家人手拉手開始每天晚上都會進行的儀式。

Arielle, 8 years old, says she's thankful for her late grandfather, Horace, and how funny he was. 'I'm missing him, ' she says. Her third-grade pal, over for dinner, chimes in, 'I'm grateful for the sausages.' Leela, who works for an education nonprofit, and her attorney husband Peter, burst into smiles. The San Francisco couple couldn't have scripted this better. Appreciation for things big and small -- that's why they do this.

八歲的阿麗爾(Arielle)說，她感謝已故的祖父霍拉斯(Horace)以及他的風(fēng)趣。“我一直想念他，”她說。阿麗爾來家里做客吃飯的三年級同學(xué)插嘴說：“我感謝有香腸吃。”在一家非營利教育機構(gòu)工作的利拉(Leela)和當(dāng)律師的丈夫彼得(Peter)不禁笑起來。這對生活在舊金山的夫婦的這個安排非常完美。對生活中大大小小的事情心存感恩——這就是他們這樣做的原因。

Giving thanks is no longer just holiday fare. A field of research on gratitude in kids is emerging, and early findings indicate parents' instincts to elevate the topic are spot-on. Concrete benefits come to kids who literally count their blessings.

感恩已不再只是節(jié)日的事情。圍繞兒童感恩情況的一個研究領(lǐng)域正在興起，初步研究結(jié)果顯示，父母憑直覺提起這個話題非常正確。如果孩子能真正地歷數(shù)使他們感到幸福的事情，這對他們有實際益處。

Gratitude works like a muscle. Take time to recognize good fortune, and feelings of appreciation can increase. Even more, those who are less grateful gain the most from a concerted effort. 'Gratitude treatments are most effective in those least grateful, ' says Eastern Washington University psychology professor Philip Watkins.

感恩的形成如同肌肉。如果花時間認(rèn)識到值得慶幸的事，感恩的情緒就會增加。甚至感恩之心沒那么強的人在齊心協(xié)力的努力中會獲益最多。東華盛頓大學(xué)(Eastern Washington University)心理學(xué)教授沃特金斯(Philip Watkins)說，感恩療法在那些感恩之心較為淡薄的人身上最有效。

Among a group of 122 elementary school kids taught a weeklong curriculum on concepts around giving, gratitude grew, according to a study due to be published in 2014 in School Psychology Review. The heightened thankfulness translated into action: 44% of the kids in the curriculum opted to write thank-you notes when given the choice following a PTA presentation. In the control group, 25% wrote notes.

將于2014年發(fā)表在《學(xué)校心理學(xué)評論》(School Psychology Review)上的一項研究報告顯示，一個由122名小學(xué)生組成的小組在接受了為期一周的有關(guān)付出的課程后，感恩心態(tài)有所增強。增加的感激之情轉(zhuǎn)化成了行動：參加課程的孩子在觀看一個家庭教師協(xié)會(PTA)的演示后，有44%的孩子選擇了寫感謝信。對照組寫感謝信的孩子比例為25%。

'The old adage that virtues are caught, not taught, applies here, ' says University of California, Davis psychology professor Robert Emmons. Parents need to model this behavior to build their children's gratitude muscle. 'It's not what parents want to hear, but you cannot give your kids something that you yourselves do not have, ' Dr. Emmons says.

加州大學(xué)戴維斯分校(University of California, Davis)的心理學(xué)教授埃蒙斯(Robert Emmons)說，有句老話叫美德重在身教而非言傳，在這里也適用。父母需要以身作則表現(xiàn)出感恩，才能讓孩子也學(xué)會感恩。埃蒙斯說，關(guān)鍵不在于父母想聽些什么，而是你自己都不具備的品質(zhì)不可能傳授給孩子。

This may seems obvious, but it eludes many parents, Dr. Watkins says. 'I think the most important thing for us adults to realize is we're not very grateful either, ' he says.

沃特金斯說，這看上去似乎是顯然的，但很多父母并沒意識到。他說，我認(rèn)為對我們這些成年人來說最重要的是要認(rèn)識到，我們自己也沒有多少感恩之心。

The mere act of giving thanks has tangible benefits, research suggests. A 2008 study of 221 kids published in the Journal of School Psychology analyzed sixth- and seventh-graders assigned to list five things they were grateful for every day for two weeks. It found they had a better outlook on school and greater life satisfaction three weeks later, compared with kids assigned to list five hassles.

研究表明，僅僅是表示謝意的行動也會帶來實際的益處。2008年發(fā)表于《學(xué)校心理學(xué)雜志》(Journal of School Psychology)的一項研究報告對221名六年級和七年級的學(xué)生進行了分析，他們被要求在兩周時間里每天列出為之心存感恩的五件事情。研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，相比被要求每天列舉五件為之煩惱的事的孩子，這些孩子在三周后對學(xué)校的看法更積極，生活滿意度也更高。

Another study examined 1, 035 high-school students outside New York City. The study, published in 2010 in the Journal of Happiness Studies, found that those who showed high levels of gratitude, for instance thankfulness for the beauty of nature and strong appreciation of other people, reported having stronger GPAs, less depression and envy and a more positive outlook than less grateful teens.

另一項研究檢查了紐約市以外1,035名高中生的情況。該研究論文于2010年發(fā)表于《幸福研究雜志》(Journal of Happiness Studies)，研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，相比那些不太感恩的青少年，具有強烈感恩之心的學(xué)生(比如對自然之美心存感恩，或很感激其他人)平均成績更高、不容易沮喪和嫉妒，也更為積極樂觀。

Further, teens who strongly connected buying and owning things with success and happiness reported having lower GPAs, more depression and a more negative outlook. 'Materialism had just the opposite effect as gratitude -- almost like a mirror, ' says study co-author Jeffrey Froh, associate professor of psychology at Hofstra University.

此外，將購買和擁有事物與成功和幸福聯(lián)系起來的青少年成績較差、情緒更低落、也更為悲觀。上述研究的聯(lián)合作者、霍夫斯特拉大學(xué)(Hofstra University)心理學(xué)助理教授弗羅(Jeffrey Froh)說，物質(zhì)主義產(chǎn)生的效果與感恩剛好相反。

Internet shopping has made acquisition so easy, the value of goods can be harder to recognize. 'Today, if one of our boys needs a new pair of shoes, my wife goes on Zappos, picks out the color and size, and they show up the next day in a FedEx box. No wishing. No prioritizing. No desiring for something that is out of touch. Just click the button, and presto, the shoes arrive on our doorstep, ' says Willy Walker, who heads commercial real estate finance firm Walker and Dunlop in Bethesda, Md. 'It drives me crazy.'

網(wǎng)絡(luò)購物讓買東西更方便，但是人們更難以意識到商品的價值。在馬里蘭州貝塞斯達(dá)經(jīng)營商業(yè)房地產(chǎn)金融公司W(wǎng)alker and Dunlop的沃克爾(Willy Walker)說，現(xiàn)在，如果哪個孩子需要一雙新鞋，我妻子就會上Zappos網(wǎng)站，挑好顏色和尺寸，第二天鞋子就裝在聯(lián)邦快遞(FedEx)的盒子里送來了。沒有許愿的過程，不用決定優(yōu)先順序，沒有對可望而不可及的東西的期許。只要點擊鼠標(biāo)，然后鞋子轉(zhuǎn)眼就送到門口了。這簡直讓我發(fā)瘋。

He has reacted to this reality -- so different from how he'd eye a pair of Pumas at the store for months before ever getting them as a kid -- with determination to keep consumption modest where possible. So, he hasn't set up the Wii his kids received as a present. 'They get plenty of video entertainment all over, so why not scale back at home?' he says.

現(xiàn)在的情況完全不同于他自己小時候在店里眼巴巴地看著一雙彪馬(Puma)運動鞋、要好幾個月才能得到的情形，面對這一事實，他決心盡可能地將孩子們的消費保持在適度的水平。因此他一直沒有設(shè)置孩子們作為禮物收到的Wii游戲機。他說，他們到處都有一大堆的視頻游戲，因此為什么不在家里減少一點兒呢?

When his son wanted a cellphone for his 11th birthday, Mr. Walker set out to 'get the Pinto rather than the Cadillac.' In this case, his resolve fell away when challenged by factors like ease and quality. 'The Pintos didn't really limit access to texting or Web-browsing. They just did everything worse than the more expensive phones. So we got him an iPhone 4S. Ugh.'

當(dāng)他兒子想要一部手機作為11歲生日禮物時，沃克爾打算買個便宜的，不要高檔的。這一次，由于考慮到手機的使用便利程度和質(zhì)量等因素，他的決心有所動搖。他說：“廉價手機其實也并不限制收發(fā)短信或上網(wǎng)。它們只不過是所有的功能都比更昂貴的手機差。于是我們給他買了部iPhone 4S。唉。”

A 2013 study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that tracked materialism in 355, 000 high school seniors from 1976 to 2007 found that desire for lots of money has increased markedly since the mid-1970s, while willingness to work hard to earn it has decreased. Among kids surveyed, 62% thought it was important to have lots of money and nice things between 2005 and 2007, while 48% had this view from 1976 to 1978.

2013年發(fā)表于《人格與社會心理學(xué)公報》(Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin)的一項研究在1976年至2007年期間跟蹤調(diào)查了35.5萬名高中高年級學(xué)生的物質(zhì)主義傾向，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)，自上世紀(jì)70年代中期以來，學(xué)生們想要很多錢的愿望大大增加，而通過努力賺錢的意愿則下降了。在接受調(diào)查的孩子中，2005至2007年之間有62%的人認(rèn)為有很多錢和好東西很重要，1976至1978年有此看法的孩子比例為48%。

'This subject is huge for us, ' says Gabrielle Toledano, an executive vice president at videogame company Electronic Arts. She and her husband live in San Francisco with their 9-year-old, Amelie, and 12-year-old, Ben. Ms. Toledano, and her husband Kurt Gantert, a camp director and stay-home dad, are deliberate about finding everyday ways to remind their kids how good they've got it.

視頻游戲公司藝電(Electronic Arts)的執(zhí)行副總裁托勒達(dá)諾(Gabrielle Toledano)說，這個主題對我們來說意義極為重大。她和丈夫與九歲的女兒阿梅莉(Amelie)和12歲的兒子本(Ben)住在舊金山。托勒達(dá)諾和丈夫甘特爾特(Kurt Gantert)深思熟慮，在日常生活中想辦法提醒孩子們，他們享受著多好的生活。甘特爾特是一位夏令營負(fù)責(zé)人，并負(fù)責(zé)在家?guī)Ш⒆印?/p>

'We eat family dinner every night and thank Dad for making it, ' Ms. Toledano says. 'We talk about how I work hard so we can have nice food. If the kids don't come to the table when we call them, I tell them it's rude, because someone has made an effort, ' she says.

托勒達(dá)諾說，我們一家人每天晚上吃飯時都會感謝爸爸做飯。我們會談?wù)撐夜ぷ饔卸嘈量?，所以我們才有可口的美食。如果我們叫孩子們吃飯時他們沒來到餐桌邊，我會告訴他們這樣沒禮貌，因為有人為此付出了辛勞。

The couple is committed to their kids' having part-time jobs when they are old enough. 'They should work in the back office or the kitchen, ' Ms. Toledano says. 'There are interesting, hardworking people there. You learn more about gratitude when you have friends who aren't as privileged as you are, ' she says.

這對夫婦決心在孩子們足夠大時讓他們從事兼職工作。托勒達(dá)諾說，他們應(yīng)當(dāng)在后勤部門或廚房里干活。那里有一些很有意思、努力工作的人。如果你有一些境遇不如自己的朋友，你會更多地學(xué)會感恩。

Despite good intentions, some parents are struggling with how to stoke the giving fires in their children. 'It's an uphill battle, ' says Andrea Rice, president of professional development coaching business CareerCore. Her kids are 12 and 9. 'We both work, so the kids have an au pair. They are shuttled from A to B. They don't really struggle much. Because that's their reality, it doesn't matter how much you say, 'Appreciate this, appreciate that, ' ' Ms. Rice says.

雖然懷揣著良好意愿，但一些父母覺得很難讓孩子更多地付出。“這是非常艱難的。”職業(yè)發(fā)展培訓(xùn)機構(gòu)CareerCore的總裁萊斯(Andrea Rice)說。她的孩子分別為12歲和九歲。萊斯說，我們夫妻兩人都要上班，因此孩子們有一個住家保姆。他們總在不斷穿梭。他們其實沒遇到過什么困難。因為現(xiàn)實就是這樣的，不管你怎樣苦口婆心地說對這個要感恩，對那個要感恩。

Everyday actions may be even more important than big efforts, researchers say. 'Express gratitude to your spouse. Thank your kids, ' Hofstra's Dr. Froh says. 'Parents say, 'Why should I thank them for doing something they should do, like clean their room?' By reinforcing this, kids will internalize the idea, and do it on their own.'

研究人員說，父母的日常行為可能比花大力氣去說教孩子更為重要。霍夫特斯拉大學(xué)的弗羅說，向你的另一半表示感謝。同時也要謝謝你的孩子們。弗羅表示，父母會說，我為什么要為孩子應(yīng)該自己動手做的事情去謝謝他們，比如打掃自己的房間?但實際上，通過這種強調(diào)方式，孩子會將這一想法內(nèi)在化，然后自己來做。

Still, Eastern Washington's Dr. Watkins cautions, 'Don't shove it down their throats.' His family gives thanks at Thanksgiving, but it's not a formal process. 'Don't make this, 'It's your turn, so say something whether you feel it or not, ' ' he says.

但東華盛頓大學(xué)的沃特金斯提醒說，這件事還是不要硬來。他的家庭會在感恩節(jié)彼此道謝，但不會搞得非常正式。他說，不要弄成好像是“該你了，無論有沒有感受，都說點什么吧”。

UC Davis's Dr. Emmons believes gratitude is actually easier for kids. 'As we get older, the give and take of life is driven by expectations around tit-for-tat reciprocity. Kids have a natural affinity to gratitude. They often teach parents as much or more about gratitude than the other way around.'

加州大學(xué)戴維斯分校的埃蒙斯認(rèn)為，其實孩子更容易懷有感恩的心態(tài)。他說，隨著年齡的增長，我們生活中的給予和回報往往會變成你來我往這種互惠型期待，而孩子則有一種很自然的感恩心理，他們在這方面教給父母的常常與父母教給孩子的一樣多，甚至更多。