伍迪單口相聲精選 第21期:愛情故事A Love Story

Ah, this occurred before I was married, a long timeago, out in Manhattan, I was in Manhattan. I was atCity Center, this was ages ago, I was watching aballet at City Center, and I'm not a ballet fan at all, but they were doing the dying swan, andthere was a rumour, that some bookmakers had drifted into town from upstate New York, andthat they had fixed the ballet.

這事發(fā)生在我結(jié)婚之前，很久以前了，我那時(shí)在曼哈頓。我在“城市中心劇場(chǎng)”【1】，多年以前，我在“城市中心”看芭蕾演出。我根本不喜歡看芭蕾，但是他們演的是《天鵝之死》【2】，當(dāng)時(shí)有謠傳說打紐約北部晃過來(lái)一批賭客，他們對(duì)芭蕾做了點(diǎn)手腳。

Apparently there was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.

顯然有很多錢打賭天鵝會(huì)活下來(lái)。

And I look at the box, and I see a girl, and my weak spot is women, so I always think somedaythey're gonna make me a birthday party, and wheel out a tremendous birthday cake, and agiant, naked woman is gonna leap out of the cake and hurt me and leap back in the cake.

我朝包廂望了一眼，看見一個(gè)女孩。我這人的弱點(diǎn)就是女人，所以我總是幻想有朝一日大家給我舉辦一個(gè)生日聚會(huì)，推出一個(gè)龐大無(wú)比的生日蛋糕，一個(gè)巨大的裸體女子從蛋糕里面跳出來(lái)，在打傷我之后又跳回去。

So I pick up this girl, I was very glib, and she was a brilliant girl, she was a Bennington girl,studying at Bennington to be a woman male nurse at a four-year program, working on a termpaper on the increasing incidents of heterosexuality amongst homosexuals.

于是我就和那個(gè)女孩搭訕，我口若懸河。她是個(gè)出色的女孩，來(lái)自于本寧頓學(xué)院【3】，她在本寧頓學(xué)的是“女性男護(hù)士”專業(yè)，學(xué)制四年，正在寫一篇學(xué)期論文，論題有關(guān)“同性戀者中日益增多的異性戀事件”。

The girl was a swinger, however, I must....The girl was brought up in Darien, Conneticut, andwhen she was younger, she had a little brother about six years old, eight years...his parentssent the kid to military school.

那姑娘是個(gè)豪放女，我不得不……女孩在康涅狄格的達(dá)里安鎮(zhèn)長(zhǎng)大，在她年輕一點(diǎn)的時(shí)候，她有個(gè)六歲的小弟弟，是八歲??這孩子被他父母送進(jìn)了軍校。

And while he was there, he stole jam or something, and they caught him, and they wanted todo things right, 'cause it was military school, so they held a court martial there.

在軍校期間他偷了果醬還是什么東西，他們抓住了他，他們決定好好立一下規(guī)矩，因?yàn)槟鞘擒娦?。于是他們將他送上了軍事法庭?/p>

They found the kid guilty. They shot him.

孩子被判有罪，他們槍斃了他。

They returned to his parents half the tuition.

他們把一半的學(xué)費(fèi)還給了他父母。

Meanwhile, I was running amok with his sister, his sister was fabulous, she was a great, great,blonde, and she had tattooed on the inner surface of her thigh, the words 'Bird lives', which,unfortunately, I was never privileged to see in the relationship, but had it been printed inBraille, I would have had a great thing going with her.

同時(shí)，我正和他姐姐打得火熱，他姐姐棒極了，她是個(gè)很漂亮、很漂亮的金發(fā)美女。她在大腿內(nèi)側(cè)紋了幾個(gè)字：“鳥住于此”，不過不幸的是在我與她交往的這期間，我從未被允許看過那些字。要是那些字是用盲文紋上去的就好了，那樣的話我就和她有好事可干了。

We used to go up to her apartment late at night, and all her beatnik friends would be sittingcrosslegged on each other there, and they would be trying to make opium out of the poppiesgiven out by veterans on street corners.

我們經(jīng)常深夜去她住的地方，所有她那些“垮掉的一代”的朋友們互相翹著腿，坐在那兒，他們還試著用罌粟來(lái)做鴉片，那是從街角的老兵那里搞來(lái)的。

She used to plug in her twelve and a half dollar hi-fi set, y'know, with the teakwood needle,and put on the record albums on of Marcel Marceau, y'know, just....

她曾給她那臺(tái)用十二塊五美元買來(lái)的高保真唱機(jī)插上柚木針頭，然后放上馬塞爾·馬爾索【4】的唱片，簡(jiǎn)直是??

She crushed me, I...Every time I tell the story, I'm reminded...I was what you would call, not aintellectual, up to her...she was...I was thrown out of college, and when I was thrown out ofcollege I got a job on Madison Avenue in New york, a real dyed-in-the-wool advertising agencyon Madison Avenue, wanted a man to come in, and they pay him ninetyfive dollars a week, andto sit in their office, and to look jewish.

她壓得我喘不過氣來(lái)，我……每次我提起這些事，我總是想起??跟她相比，我算不上你們所說的知識(shí)分子，她是……我被大學(xué)踢出校門，我被大學(xué)掃地出門后在紐約的麥迪遜大道找到份工作，那是一家地道的廣告公司，在麥迪遜大道上，他們想招聘一個(gè)人，付給他每周95美元，就讓他坐在他們的辦公室里，看上去像猶太人。

They wanted to prove to the outside world, that they would hire minority groups, y'know.

他們想證明給外面世界的人看，他們?cè)敢夤陀蒙贁?shù)族裔。

So I was the one they hired, y'know. I was the show jew at the agency.

所以我就成了他們雇用的人。我成了公司里的猶太擺設(shè)。

I tried to look jewish desperately, y'know. I used to read my memos from right to left all thetime.

我拼命地想表現(xiàn)得更像猶太人，我總是從右向左念我的文函。

They fired me finally, 'cause I took off too many jewish holidays.

他們最終還是解雇了我，因?yàn)槲矣刑嗟莫q太節(jié)假日不去上班。

【1】即“紐約城市中心”，位于曼哈頓西55大街，介于第六和第七大道之間，是一家新摩爾建筑風(fēng)格的劇院，以舞蹈和芭蕾演出聞名。

【2】俄羅斯芭蕾舞編導(dǎo)米哈伊爾·福金在1905年為安娜·巴甫洛娃創(chuàng)作的獨(dú)舞，音樂取自于圣桑的《動(dòng)物狂歡節(jié)》組曲中的大提琴獨(dú)奏曲《天鵝》。

【3】位于佛蒙特州本寧頓鎮(zhèn)的一所女子學(xué)院。

【4】馬塞爾·馬爾索，法國(guó)的滑稽劇(啞劇)演員。