伍迪單口相聲精選 第18期:我的婚姻My Marriage

I wanted to discuss my marriage, 'cause that'simportant. My marriage, or as it was known, "The Oxbow Incident".

我想談?wù)撘幌挛业幕橐?，因?yàn)槟呛苤匾?。我的婚姻，正如人們所知的那樣，是個(gè)“牛軛事件” 【1】。

I had a rough marriage. Well, my wife was animmature woman and, ah, That's all I can say,she...See if this is not immature to you.

我的婚姻很不平靜。我妻子是個(gè)很不成熟的女人，我就是這么認(rèn)為的，你們看一下這是不是很不成熟。

I would be home in the bathroom, taking a bath, and my wife would walk right in, whenevershe felt like, and sink my boats.

我在家里的衛(wèi)生間里正在洗澡，我妻子只要心血來(lái)潮就會(huì)闖進(jìn)來(lái)，把我在玩的船只弄沉。

It was partially my fault that we got divorced, I had a lousy attitude toward her.

我們離婚部分是我的錯(cuò)，我對(duì)她的態(tài)度很惡劣。

The first year of marriage I had a bad...basically a bad attitude toward her, I guess.

結(jié)婚的第一年，我的脾氣……基本上以很壞的脾氣對(duì)待她，我想是的。

I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal all the time.

我甚至老是在想將我妻子壓到某個(gè)基座底下去。

We used to argue and fight, we finally decided, we either take a vacation on Bermuda or get adivorce, one of the two things, and we discussed it very maturely, and we decided on thedivorce, 'cause we felt we had a limited amount of money to spend, y'know.

我們經(jīng)常爭(zhēng)論和吵架，最后我們終于決定，要么我們?nèi)グ倌酱笕簫u度假，要么就離婚，兩者擇其一。我們心平氣和地商量完，我們決定去離婚，因?yàn)槲覀冇X(jué)得我們的錢已經(jīng)所剩無(wú)幾。

A vacation in Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something that you'd always have.

去百慕大度假兩周一過(guò)就結(jié)束了，而離婚這件事你可以一輩子離個(gè)沒(méi)完。

And I saw myself free again, living in the Village, y'know, in a batchelor apartment with a woodburning fireplace and a shaggy rug, y'know, and on the walls one of those great Picassos by VanGogh, and just great swinging...Airline hostesses running amok in the apartment, y'know.

我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己又重獲自由，我住在格林尼治村，一間單身公寓里，里面有燃燒木料的壁爐和粗糙的地毯，墻上掛著的是梵高畫(huà)的眾多的畢加索偉大畫(huà)像中的一幅。我享受著放浪形骸的生活??和空姐們?cè)谖葑永锖鞣菫椤?/p>

And I got very excited, and I ran into my wife, she was in the next room at the time, listeningto Conelrad on the radio, y'know.

我興奮異常，跑進(jìn)我妻子的房間，她那時(shí)就住在我隔壁，正在收聽(tīng)“電磁波輻射控制”電臺(tái)【2】。

I laid it right on the line with her, I came right to the point, I said "Quasimodo, I want adivorce".

我開(kāi)門見(jiàn)山、直接了當(dāng)?shù)貙?duì)她說(shuō)：“卡西莫多【3】，我要離婚。”

And she said "Great, get the divorce", but it turns out, in New York state, they have a strangelaw that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery, and it's weird, because theten commandments say "Thou shalt not commit adultery", but New York state says you have to.

她說(shuō)：“好啊，離婚就離婚。”可是事與愿違，在紐約州，有一條奇怪的法律：除非你能證明存在通奸行為，否則不予離婚。這真的很怪異，因?yàn)?ldquo;十戒”里說(shuō)：“汝等不許行邪淫。”可紐約州卻說(shuō)你不做不行。

Well, finally, what happened was, my wife committed adultery for me.

好吧，最終發(fā)生的事是：我妻子為了我行了邪淫。

She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have.

她總是比我更加容易機(jī)械地受到影響。

【1】《牛軛事件》，1940年出版的西部小說(shuō)，故事講的是美國(guó)西部一個(gè)小鎮(zhèn)上的人們，動(dòng)用私刑處死了三個(gè)被懷疑是偷牛賊的無(wú)辜者。

【2】冷戰(zhàn)時(shí)期美國(guó)政府為了對(duì)付前蘇聯(lián)的進(jìn)攻轟炸而設(shè)立的應(yīng)急廣播系統(tǒng)。

【3】《巴黎圣母院》中的鐘樓怪人。