伍迪單口相聲精選 第18期:我的婚姻My Marriage

I wanted to discuss my marriage, 'cause that'simportant. My marriage, or as it was known, "The Oxbow Incident".

我想談論一下我的婚姻，因為那很重要。我的婚姻，正如人們所知的那樣，是個“牛軛事件” 【1】。

I had a rough marriage. Well, my wife was animmature woman and, ah, That's all I can say,she...See if this is not immature to you.

我的婚姻很不平靜。我妻子是個很不成熟的女人，我就是這么認為的，你們看一下這是不是很不成熟。

I would be home in the bathroom, taking a bath, and my wife would walk right in, whenevershe felt like, and sink my boats.

我在家里的衛(wèi)生間里正在洗澡，我妻子只要心血來潮就會闖進來，把我在玩的船只弄沉。

It was partially my fault that we got divorced, I had a lousy attitude toward her.

我們離婚部分是我的錯，我對她的態(tài)度很惡劣。

The first year of marriage I had a bad...basically a bad attitude toward her, I guess.

結(jié)婚的第一年，我的脾氣……基本上以很壞的脾氣對待她，我想是的。

I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal all the time.

我甚至老是在想將我妻子壓到某個基座底下去。

We used to argue and fight, we finally decided, we either take a vacation on Bermuda or get adivorce, one of the two things, and we discussed it very maturely, and we decided on thedivorce, 'cause we felt we had a limited amount of money to spend, y'know.

我們經(jīng)常爭論和吵架，最后我們終于決定，要么我們?nèi)グ倌酱笕簫u度假，要么就離婚，兩者擇其一。我們心平氣和地商量完，我們決定去離婚，因為我們覺得我們的錢已經(jīng)所剩無幾。

A vacation in Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something that you'd always have.

去百慕大度假兩周一過就結(jié)束了，而離婚這件事你可以一輩子離個沒完。

And I saw myself free again, living in the Village, y'know, in a batchelor apartment with a woodburning fireplace and a shaggy rug, y'know, and on the walls one of those great Picassos by VanGogh, and just great swinging...Airline hostesses running amok in the apartment, y'know.

我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己又重獲自由，我住在格林尼治村，一間單身公寓里，里面有燃燒木料的壁爐和粗糙的地毯，墻上掛著的是梵高畫的眾多的畢加索偉大畫像中的一幅。我享受著放浪形骸的生活??和空姐們在屋子里胡作非為。

And I got very excited, and I ran into my wife, she was in the next room at the time, listeningto Conelrad on the radio, y'know.

我興奮異常，跑進我妻子的房間，她那時就住在我隔壁，正在收聽“電磁波輻射控制”電臺【2】。

I laid it right on the line with her, I came right to the point, I said "Quasimodo, I want adivorce".

我開門見山、直接了當?shù)貙λf：“卡西莫多【3】，我要離婚。”

And she said "Great, get the divorce", but it turns out, in New York state, they have a strangelaw that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery, and it's weird, because theten commandments say "Thou shalt not commit adultery", but New York state says you have to.

她說：“好啊，離婚就離婚。”可是事與愿違，在紐約州，有一條奇怪的法律：除非你能證明存在通奸行為，否則不予離婚。這真的很怪異，因為“十戒”里說：“汝等不許行邪淫。”可紐約州卻說你不做不行。

Well, finally, what happened was, my wife committed adultery for me.

好吧，最終發(fā)生的事是：我妻子為了我行了邪淫。

She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have.

她總是比我更加容易機械地受到影響。

【1】《牛軛事件》，1940年出版的西部小說，故事講的是美國西部一個小鎮(zhèn)上的人們，動用私刑處死了三個被懷疑是偷牛賊的無辜者。

【2】冷戰(zhàn)時期美國政府為了對付前蘇聯(lián)的進攻轟炸而設立的應急廣播系統(tǒng)。

【3】《巴黎圣母院》中的鐘樓怪人。