愛(ài)駐我心 第35期:愛(ài)在無(wú)語(yǔ)時(shí)

In the doorway of my home, I looked closely at theface of my 23-year-old son, Daniel, his backpack by his side.

在家門(mén)口，我凝視著23歲的兒子丹尼爾的臉，他的背包就放在身旁。

We were saying goodbye.

幾個(gè)小時(shí)之后我們即將道別。

In a few hours he would be flying to France.

他就要飛往法國(guó)。

He would be staying there for at least a year to learn another language and experience life in adifferent country.

他將在那里待上至少一年的時(shí)間學(xué)習(xí)另一種語(yǔ)言，體驗(yàn)另一個(gè)國(guó)度的生活。

It was a transitional time in Daniel’s life, a passage, a step from college into the adult world.

這是丹尼爾生命中的一個(gè)過(guò)渡時(shí)期，也是他從象牙塔進(jìn)入成人世界踏出的一步。

I wanted to leave him some words that would have some meaning, some significance beyondthe moment.

我希望送給他幾句話(huà)，幾句能讓他受用終身的話(huà)語(yǔ)。

But nothing came from my lips.

但我竟一句話(huà)也說(shuō)不出來(lái)。

No sound broke the stillness of my beachside home.

我們的房子坐落在海邊，此刻屋里一片靜寂。

Outside, I could hear the shrill cries of sea gulls as they circled the ever changing surf on LongIsland.

屋外，海鷗在波濤澎湃的長(zhǎng)島海域上空盤(pán)旋，我能聽(tīng)見(jiàn)它們的聲聲尖叫。

Inside, I stood frozen and quiet, looking into the searching eyes of my son.

我就這樣冷冷地站在屋里，默默地注視著兒子那雙困惑的眼睛。

What made it more difficult was that I knew this was not the first time I had let such a momentpass.

更糟的是，我知道自己已經(jīng)不是第一次讓如此重要的時(shí)光白白流逝。

When Daniel was five, I took him to the school-bus stop on his first day of kindergarten.

丹尼爾五歲的時(shí)候，那是他上幼兒園的第一天，我領(lǐng)著他來(lái)到校車(chē)的停車(chē)點(diǎn)。

I felt the tension in his hand holding mine as the bus turned the corner.

當(dāng)校車(chē)轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)街角出現(xiàn)時(shí)，他的小手緊緊地攥著我，我感覺(jué)到了他的緊張。

I saw color flush his cheeks as the bus pulled up.

校車(chē)到站的那一刻，丹尼爾雙頰發(fā)紅。

He looked at me—as he did now.

抬頭望著我——就像現(xiàn)在這樣。

What is it going to be like, Dad? Can I do it? Will I be okay?

“爸爸，接下來(lái)會(huì)怎樣呢?我能行么?我會(huì)很好嗎?”

And then he walked up the steps of the bus and disappeared inside.

說(shuō)著，他上了校車(chē)，消失在我的視線里。

And the bus drove away.

車(chē)開(kāi)走了。

And I had said nothing.

我卻始終開(kāi)不了口。

A decade or so later, a similar scene played itself out.

十多年后，這一幕再次上演。

With his mother, I drove him to William and Mary College in Virginia.

我和妻子開(kāi)車(chē)送他到維吉尼亞州的威廉瑪麗學(xué)院讀書(shū)。

His first night, he went out with his new schoolmates, and when he met us the next morning,he was sick.

在學(xué)校的第一個(gè)晚上，丹尼爾和他的新同學(xué)一起外出，第二天清晨，再見(jiàn)到他時(shí)，他病了。

He was coming down with mononucleosis, but we could not know that then.

其實(shí)他當(dāng)時(shí)已經(jīng)染上了單核細(xì)胞增多癥，但我們并不知道那件事。

We thought he had a hangover.

以為他只是有點(diǎn)不舒服而已。

In his room, Dan lay stretched out on his bed as I started to leave for the trip home.

我準(zhǔn)備啟程回家時(shí)，丹尼爾正在宿舍的床上躺著。

I tried to think of something to say to give him courage and confidence as he started this newphase of life.

我很想說(shuō)一些鼓勵(lì)的話(huà)語(yǔ)，在他開(kāi)始這份新生活時(shí)，給他一些勇氣和信心。

Again, words failed me.

但是，我再一次語(yǔ)塞。

I mumbled something like, “Hope you feel better, Dan.” And I left.

我只是咕噥了一句：“希望你快點(diǎn)好起來(lái)，丹尼爾。”然后就轉(zhuǎn)身離開(kāi)了。

Now, as I stood before him, I thought of those lost opportunities.

此時(shí)此刻，當(dāng)我站在他面前，我想起了那些錯(cuò)過(guò)的時(shí)刻。

How many times have we all let such moments pass?

究竟有多少次，我們讓這些珍貴的時(shí)刻白白溜走?

A boy graduates from school, a daughter gets married.

兒子的畢業(yè)典禮，女兒的婚禮等等。

We go through the motions of the ceremony, but we don’t seek out our children and find aquiet moment to tell them what they have meant to us.

我們疲于應(yīng)付這些熱鬧的場(chǎng)面，卻沒(méi)有在人群中抓住我們的孩子，找個(gè)安靜的地方，親口說(shuō)出他們對(duì)我們有多么重要。

Or what they might expect to face in the years ahead.

或者與他們聊聊未來(lái)的挑戰(zhàn)和人生的期望。

How fast the years had passed.

時(shí)光飛逝，歲月如梭。

Daniel was born in New Orleans, LA.,in 1962, slow to walk and talk, and small of stature.

1962年，小丹尼爾出生于洛杉磯新奧爾良市。他學(xué)會(huì)走路和說(shuō)話(huà)要比同齡人稍遲一些，個(gè)子也長(zhǎng)得不高。

He was the tiniest in his class, but he developed a warm, outgoing nature and was popularwith his peers.

但是，盡管丹尼爾是班里最瘦小的一個(gè)，但他的性格熱情外向，在同學(xué)中人緣頗佳。

He was coordinated and agile, and he became adept in sports.

由于協(xié)調(diào)性好，動(dòng)作敏捷，他很快就成了運(yùn)動(dòng)高手。

Baseball gave him his earliest challenge.

棒球是丹尼爾人生的第一項(xiàng)挑戰(zhàn)。

He was an outstanding pitcher in Little League, and eventually, as a senior in high school,made the varsity, winning half the team’s games with a record of five wins and two losses.

他是棒球隊(duì)里出色的投手，高三的時(shí)候，丹尼爾帶領(lǐng)學(xué)校棒球隊(duì)所向披靡，創(chuàng)下了七局五勝的記錄。

At graduation, the coach named Daniel the team’s most valuable player.

在畢業(yè)典禮上，棒球教練宣布他為球隊(duì)里的最有價(jià)值球員。

His finest hour, though,came at a school science fair.

然而，丹尼爾最輝煌的時(shí)刻卻是在一次校園科技展上。

He entered an exhibit showing how the circulatory system works.

丹尼爾帶著他的循環(huán)電路系統(tǒng)參加了這次展覽。

It was primitive and crude, especially compared to the fancy, computerized, blinking-lightmodels entered by other students.

與其他參展學(xué)生的那些新奇怪異、電腦操控、熠熠發(fā)光的模型相比，丹尼爾的作品相形見(jiàn)絀。

My wife, Sara, felt embarrassed for him.

我的妻子莎拉都感到有些尷尬。

It turned out that the other kids had not done their own work—their parents had made theirexhibits.

后來(lái)我們才知道，其他孩子的作品并不是自己完成的，而是父母代勞的。

As the judges went on their rounds, they found that these other kids couldn’t answer theirquestions.

當(dāng)評(píng)委在現(xiàn)場(chǎng)評(píng)審的時(shí)候，他們發(fā)現(xiàn)這些孩子都對(duì)參展作品一無(wú)所知，無(wú)法回答他們的問(wèn)題。

Daniel answered every one.

只有丹尼爾對(duì)答如流。

When the judges awarded the Albert Einstein Plaque for the best exhibit, they gave it to him.

于是，他們把本次展覽的最佳作品獎(jiǎng)?lì)C給了丹尼爾，并授予他艾伯特·愛(ài)因斯坦獎(jiǎng)牌。

By the time Daniel left for college he stood six feet tall and weighed 170 pounds.

丹尼爾剛進(jìn)大學(xué)時(shí)已經(jīng)是個(gè)身高六尺、重一百七十磅的堂堂男子漢了。

He was muscular and in superb condition, but he never pitched another inning, having given upbaseball for English literature.

自從放棄棒球而選擇英國(guó)文學(xué)后，肌肉結(jié)實(shí)、身體強(qiáng)壯的丹尼爾就再?zèng)]打過(guò)棒球了。

I was sorry that he would not develop his athletic talent, but proud that he had made such amature decision.

我為他放棄了自己的體育特長(zhǎng)感到遺憾，但更為他做出如此慎重的決定感到驕傲。

One day I told Daniel that the great failing in my life had been that I didn’t take a year or two offto travel when I finished college.

有一次，我告訴丹尼爾，我一生中最大的失誤就是，大學(xué)剛畢業(yè)時(shí)沒(méi)能抽出一兩年的時(shí)間出游旅行。

This is the best way, to my way of thinking, to broaden oneself and develop a largerperspective on life.

在我看來(lái)，旅行是開(kāi)拓視野、形成豁達(dá)人生觀的最好的方式。

Once I had married and begun working, I found that the dream of living in another culture hadvanished.

而當(dāng)我成家工作以后，我發(fā)現(xiàn)，體驗(yàn)異國(guó)文化的夢(mèng)想已經(jīng)煙消云散了。

Daniel thought about this.

聽(tīng)了這番話(huà)后，丹尼爾若有所思。

His friends said that he would be insane to put his career on hold.

丹尼爾的朋友告誡他說(shuō)，為了游歷世界而把事業(yè)擱在一邊，這是非常愚蠢的瘋狂行為。

But he decided it wasn’t so crazy.

但丹尼爾并不認(rèn)同。

After graduation, he worked as a waiter at college, a bike messenger and a house painter.

畢業(yè)后，他曾在大學(xué)校園端盤(pán)子，騎單車(chē)送報(bào)紙，還替人刷過(guò)墻。

With the money he earned, he had enough to go to Paris.

通過(guò)打工掙錢(qián)，他攢足了去巴黎的路費(fèi)。

The night before he was to leave, I tossed in bed.

丹尼爾離開(kāi)的前一晚上，我在床上輾轉(zhuǎn)難眠。

I was trying to figure out something to say.

我想準(zhǔn)備好明天要說(shuō)的話(huà)。

Nothing came to mind. Maybe, I thought, it wasn"t necessary to say anything.

但腦袋里卻一片空白，也許根本就無(wú)須說(shuō)什么，我安慰自己。

What does it matter in the course of a life-time if a father never tells a son what he really thinksof him?

即使一位父親一輩子都不曾親口告訴兒子自己對(duì)他的看法，那又如何?

But as I stood before Daniel, I knew that it does matter.

然而，當(dāng)我面對(duì)著丹尼爾，我知道這非常重要。

My father and I loved each other.

我愛(ài)我的父親，他也愛(ài)我。

Yet, I always regretted never hearing him put his feelings into words and never having thememory of that moment.

但我從未聽(tīng)他說(shuō)過(guò)什么心里話(huà)，更沒(méi)有這些感人的回憶，為此，我總是心懷遺憾。

Now, I could feel my palms sweat and my throat tighten.

現(xiàn)在，我能感覺(jué)到自己手心冒汗，喉嚨也在打結(jié)。

Why is it so hard to tell a son something from the heart?

為什么對(duì)兒子說(shuō)幾句心里話(huà)這么困難?

My mouth turned dry, and I knew I would be able to get out only a few words clearly.

我的嘴巴變得干澀，我想我頂多能夠清晰地吐出幾個(gè)字而已。

“Daniel," I said, "if I could have picked, I would have picked you."

“丹尼爾，”我終于擠出了一句，“如果上帝讓我選擇誰(shuí)是我的兒子，我始終會(huì)選你。”

That"s all I could say.

這是我說(shuō)的唯一一句話(huà)。

I wasn"t sure he understood what I meant.

我不知道丹尼爾是否理解了這句話(huà)。

Then he came toward me and threw his arms around me.

但他撲過(guò)來(lái)伸出胳膊抱住了我。

For a moment, the world and all its people vanished, and there was just Daniel and me in ourhome by the sea.

那一刻，整個(gè)世界都消失了，只剩下我和丹尼爾站在海邊的小屋里。

He was saying something, but my eyes misted over, and I couldn"t understand what he wassaying.

丹尼爾也在說(shuō)著什么，但淚水已經(jīng)模糊了我的雙眼，我一個(gè)字也沒(méi)聽(tīng)進(jìn)去。

All I was aware of was the stubble on his chin as his face pressed against mine.

當(dāng)他的臉緊貼著我時(shí)，我感覺(jué)到了他下巴的胡子楂。

And then, the moment ended.

然后，一切恢復(fù)原樣。

I went to work, and Daniel left a few hours later with his girlfriend.

我繼續(xù)工作，丹尼爾幾個(gè)小時(shí)后帶著女友離開(kāi)了。

That was seven weeks ago, and I think about him when I walk along the beach on weekends.

七個(gè)星期過(guò)去了。周末在海邊散步時(shí)，我會(huì)想起丹尼爾。

Thousands of miles away, somewhere out past the ocean waves breaking on the desertedshore, he might be scurrying across Boulevard Saint Germain, strolling through a mustyhallway of the Louvre, bending an elbow in a Left Bank cafe.

幾千英里之外的某個(gè)地方，橫跨這個(gè)荒蕪海岸的茫茫大海，丹尼爾也許正飛奔著穿越圣熱蒙大道，或者漫步在盧浮宮散發(fā)著霉味的走廊上，又或者正托著下巴，坐在左岸咖啡館里憩息。

What I had said to Daniel was clumsy and trite.

我對(duì)丹尼爾說(shuō)的那些話(huà)，既晦澀又老套。

It was nothing. And yet, it was everything.

空洞無(wú)文。然而，它卻道出了一切。