英語視頻暢談歐美人文風(fēng)情43：脫口秀女王Ellen的幽默畢業(yè)演說

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can't graduate 'til I finish, so listen up.

謝謝你，Cowen校長、Cowen校長太太、尊貴的來賓們、不尊貴的來賓們(你們知道自己身分吧)、尊敬的教職人員、和怪怪的西班牙文老師。還有感謝你們所有2009年的畢業(yè)班。我知道你們大多數(shù)都還在宿醉中，且頭痛欲裂，自肥膩星期二慶典(基督徒齋戒期前最后一個(gè)周二)以來都還沒睡覺，但你們?cè)谖已葜v結(jié)束之前都還不能畢業(yè)，所以好好聽著。

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant. Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia's, and they're all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

當(dāng)我被邀請(qǐng)來做畢業(yè)演講時(shí)，我馬上就答應(yīng)了。然后我跑去查“畢業(yè)”是什么意思...如果我有本字典就會(huì)簡單多了，但我家里大部分的書都是Portia(Ellen的妻子，澳洲人)的，它們?nèi)际怯冒闹拚Z寫的。所以我必須自己拆開這個(gè)字來找出意思。

Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. So there's that. But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.

Commencement：common(常見的)、和cement(水泥)。常見的水泥。你經(jīng)常在人行道上看到水泥。人行道上有裂痕，如果你踩到裂痕，你就會(huì)摔斷你媽媽的背(西洋古老迷信)。所以就是這樣。

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school. And I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows, I didn't go to any college at all. Any college. And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I"m a huge celebrity.

但我很榮幸你們邀請(qǐng)我來到這里在你們的常見水泥演講。我原本以為你必須要是個(gè)很出名的校友...小油...鋁(音似校友)...校游，你必須要從這間學(xué)校畢業(yè)(才能來演講)。我沒在這上大學(xué)，我不曉得Cowan校長知不知道，我根本沒上過大學(xué)。任何大學(xué)!我不是說你們浪費(fèi)了你們的時(shí)間或金錢，但看看我：我是個(gè)大咖名人。

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.

雖然我確實(shí)從“社會(huì)磨練大學(xué)”畢業(yè)，我們的吉祥物就是那些胸部，我花了很多時(shí)間在這里成長。我的母親在Newcomb工作，我在每次需要從她錢包偷些東西時(shí)會(huì)去那兒。但我今天為什么會(huì)在這里?當(dāng)然不是要來偷東西，你們坐太遠(yuǎn)了，而我永遠(yuǎn)無法僥倖逃跑。

I'm here because of you. Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. I'm here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I'm saying is, when you're older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?

我在這是因?yàn)槟銈?，因?yàn)槲覠o法想到一群更堅(jiān)韌、更有勇氣的畢業(yè)班。我是說，看看你們?nèi)即┲銈兊漠厴I(yè)袍。通常當(dāng)你在早上十點(diǎn)還穿著睡袍時(shí)，就表示你已經(jīng)放棄了。我在這是因?yàn)槲覑奂~奧良。我在這土生土長，我的性格形成時(shí)期是在這度過的，就像你們，當(dāng)我住在這里時(shí)，我只洗過六次衣服。當(dāng)我從學(xué)校畢業(yè)后，我完全迷失了，而當(dāng)提到學(xué)校，我指的是國中，但我無論如何還是繼續(xù)下去并完成高中學(xué)業(yè)。我真的...我沒有抱負(fù)。我不知道要做什么。我做過所有事，從...我撬過牡蠣、我當(dāng)過接待員、我當(dāng)過酒保、我當(dāng)過服務(wù)生、我粉刷房子、我賣吸塵器，我一點(diǎn)想法都沒有。而我以為我最后就會(huì)在某個(gè)工作安頓下來。我會(huì)賺足夠的錢來支付我的房租，也許還能看基本的第四臺(tái)、也許不行。我真的沒有計(jì)劃。我的重點(diǎn)是，當(dāng)我在你們這年紀(jì)的時(shí)候，我真的以為我知道我是誰，但我其實(shí)不知道。像是，舉例來說，當(dāng)我在你們這年紀(jì)時(shí)，我和男生交往。所以我要說的是，當(dāng)你們年紀(jì)更大一些時(shí)，你們大部分都會(huì)變同性戀。有任何人抄下這東西嗎?爸爸媽媽?

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don't understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.

反正，我不知道我人生中想做什么事，而我最后走上現(xiàn)在這條路是因?yàn)橐患浅１瘧K的事件。我那時(shí)也許十九歲，我當(dāng)時(shí)的女友在一場(chǎng)車禍中喪生。我曾經(jīng)過那場(chǎng)車禍，但我不知道那是她，我就繼續(xù)走，而我在那不久后就發(fā)現(xiàn)就是她。我那時(shí)住在公寓的地下室，我沒有錢，我沒有暖氣、沒有空氣、我地上有一張床墊，那公寓有大批跳蚤出沒。我深深自我反省。我就想：“為什么她突然就走了，然后這里還有跳蚤?”我不了解，那一定有個(gè)目的，如果我們可以拿起電話并打給上帝問這些問題，不就方便多了嗎?

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, "I'm gonna do this on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson"- at the time he was the king - "and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down." And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.

我開始寫作，從我身上涌出的文思是和上帝的虛構(gòu)對(duì)話，那對(duì)話是單方面的。我寫完它后，我看看它，然后我告訴我自己(那時(shí)我甚至還沒做過單口相聲，從來沒有，城里沒有俱樂部)。我說：“我要和Johnny Carson(那時(shí)他是天王)在《今夜秀》上表演這個(gè)。”“我要成為這個(gè)節(jié)目史上第一個(gè)被叫去入座受訪的女人。”幾年后，我成為那節(jié)目史上第一位入座受訪的女性(且是那節(jié)目史上唯一一位女性)，因?yàn)槲覍懙哪切┡c上帝間的電話對(duì)話。我開始單口相聲這條路，而它很成功也很棒，但很艱難，因?yàn)槲以囍偹腥?，而我有這個(gè)我一直隱瞞著的我是同性戀的秘密。我想如果人們發(fā)現(xiàn)了，他們就不會(huì)喜歡我，他們會(huì)取笑我。

Then my career turned into - I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I'm gay, then they'll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career". I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper. The phone didn't ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did. And I realised that I had a purpose. And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished... it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didn't want to pick it up. Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.

接著我的事業(yè)演變成...我有了自己的情境喜劇，那非常成功，另一種等級(jí)的成功。而我想，如果他們發(fā)現(xiàn)我是同性戀，那么他們就永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)看了。那是很久以前，你也許...這是當(dāng)我們只有白人總統(tǒng)的時(shí)候，但無論如何，這是以前...許多年前的事!然后我終于決定了我生活在這么多羞愧感、這么多的恐懼之下，因此我就是再也無法那樣子生活。我決定要出柜，而且要讓它很有創(chuàng)意，我的角色會(huì)在同時(shí)出柜。而這不是要做任何政治聲明，這不是要做任何除了將我自己從這個(gè)我一直背負(fù)的沉重感中釋放以外的事。我就是想要誠實(shí)以對(duì)。我想：“最糟糕的事會(huì)是什么?我可能會(huì)失業(yè)。”我失業(yè)了。我失業(yè)了。在播出六年后那節(jié)目被停掉了，甚至沒有告知我。我在報(bào)紙上讀到的。電話有三年沒響過。我沒有工作邀約。沒有任何人想要接觸我。然而，我那時(shí)收到幾乎就要自殺、但因?yàn)槲宜龅氖露鴽]有自殺的孩子的來信。然后我明白了我有個(gè)目的。那不只是為了我、不是為了名人，但我覺得我好像被處罰了，而那是段糟糕的時(shí)期。我憤怒、難過，然后我被邀請(qǐng)去主持脫口秀。邀請(qǐng)我去主持脫口秀的人試著要推銷它，而大部分的電視臺(tái)并不想接手。大部分的人不想買單，因?yàn)樗麄冇X得沒人會(huì)想看我。

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place. I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets. and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was "boobies", by the way? It's not, it's "groupies".

真的當(dāng)我回顧那時(shí)光，我不會(huì)改變?nèi)魏我患?。我是說，失去一切對(duì)我來說非常重要，因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)最重要的事情是，是對(duì)自己誠實(shí)。最后，那是將我?guī)У酱说氐氖虑椤Ｎ覜]有生活在恐懼之下、我是自由的、我沒有秘密，我知道我永遠(yuǎn)都會(huì)好好的，因?yàn)闊o論如何，我知道我是誰。所以總之，當(dāng)我年輕一些的時(shí)候，我以為成功是某件不同的事。我想當(dāng)我長大后，我想要變得出名。我想要變明星。我想要演電影。當(dāng)我長大后，我想要看看世界、開好車、我想要有粉絲群(注一)。引用樂團(tuán)小野貓的歌詞，對(duì)了，有多少人覺得那聽起來是“奶奶”?那不是，那是“粉絲(groupie音近boobies)”。

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure. to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. to contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that. Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don't take anyone's advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

但我今天對(duì)成功的概念不一樣了。隨著你成長，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)成功的定義改變了。對(duì)你們?cè)S多人來說，在今天，成功是能夠撐過20杯龍舌蘭酒。對(duì)我來說，你的人生中最重要的事就是帶著尊嚴(yán)過你的生活，不要屈服于同儕壓力試著成為你不是的那種人、當(dāng)一個(gè)誠實(shí)、有憐憫心的人來度過你的人生、在某些方面做出貢獻(xiàn)。所以為我的結(jié)論下結(jié)論：跟隨你的熱情、對(duì)你自己誠實(shí)。永遠(yuǎn)不要跟隨任何其他人的道路，除非你在森林里、你迷路了、然后你看到一條路，那你務(wù)必要沿著那走。別給予建議。它會(huì)回來狠咬你的屁屁。不要接受任何人的建議。所以我要給你們的建議是對(duì)自己誠實(shí)，那一切都會(huì)好好的。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It's gonna be great. You've already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, "Is it above sea level?" . So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with. And you'll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

我知道你們很多人都擔(dān)心你的的未來，但不需要擔(dān)心。經(jīng)濟(jì)正在繁榮發(fā)展、工作市場(chǎng)門戶大開、地球好得很。它會(huì)很棒的。你們已經(jīng)從一個(gè)颶風(fēng)(卡崔娜)中存活下來了。還有什么可以發(fā)生在你們身上的?如同我先前提到的，有些發(fā)生在你身上最悲慘的事情會(huì)教你最多東西。現(xiàn)在你知道你第一份工作面試要問的正確問題是，像是，“它高于海平面嗎?”所以為我先前在常見水泥演講作結(jié)的結(jié)論來下結(jié)論，我猜我試著要說的是：人生就像一場(chǎng)盛大的油膩星期二盛會(huì)。但不要秀出你的胸部，向人們展示你的頭腦，如果他們喜歡他們所見，你就會(huì)獲得更多珠子(注二)多到你不知該那來做什么好。你們會(huì)醉醺醺的，大多數(shù)時(shí)候。所以經(jīng)過卡崔娜颶風(fēng)侵襲的2009年畢業(yè)班，我說：“恭喜”，如果你們不記得我今天說的任何一件事，只要記得這個(gè)：你們會(huì)好好的，噹滴都都噹。就跳舞吧(注三)。