美國著名脫口秀主持人艾倫·德詹尼絲杜蘭大學畢業(yè)演講:做真正的自己

謝謝，謝謝考恩校長，和有頭有臉的來賓們，呃，有頭有臉的來賓，你知道你是誰，不用介紹了(眾人笑)，誠心感謝大家……以及討厭的西班牙語老師(眾人大笑)

And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, Irealize most of you are hungover and have splittingheadaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, butyou can't graduate 'til I finish, so listen up.

感謝所有2009屆的畢業(yè)生，我知道你們絕大多數(shù)人還因為宿醉頭痛欲裂，狂歡到今天都還沒睡，但是沒聽完我的演講不能畢業(yè)，所以都聽好了!(學生們歡呼)

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went tolook up what commencement meant. Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, butmost of the books in our house are Portia's, and they're all written in Australian. So I had tobreak the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

當我被問是否來參加畢業(yè)典禮演講的時候，我立刻就回答了：yes!……然后我才去查“畢業(yè)典禮”是什么意思(眾人笑)。如果我有字典的話就輕松多了，但我家的書大多是portia的(ellen的妻子，澳大利亞人)而且都是澳洲文(眾人笑)，所以……我得自己摸索，去找出這個詞的意思。

Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement. You commonly see cement onsidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. Sothere's that. But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.

“commencement畢業(yè)典禮”：commen常見的+cement水泥，常見的水泥(眾人大笑)你常常見到水泥，在人行道上，人行道有裂縫，你要是踩到裂縫，就會撞傷你媽媽的背(大家笑)，所以大概意思就是這樣了(笑聲)

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had tograduate from this school. And I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if President Cowanknows, I didn't go to any college at all. Any college. And I'm not saying you wasted your time,or money, but look at me, I"m a huge celebrity.

但我很榮幸被邀請來做你們的“常見的水泥”的演講。我以為非得是又有名，又是你們學校的校友才能來……我沒有在這里念過大學，我不知校長先生是否知道，我完全沒上過大學…任何一間大學!我倒不是在說你們在浪費時間和金錢，不過看看我，我是個超級成功的大名人唉!(大家爆笑)

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spenta lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at (? 估計是某家商店的名字) and I would go thereevery time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today? Clearly notto steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.

事實上我在這里度過許多成長的歲月，我媽媽在這里工作時，我常來找她……每當我要偷她錢包里的錢時(大家笑)。但我今天在這里的原因，顯然不是要偷你們的錢……

I'm here because of you. Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageousgraduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing arobe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. I'm here because I love New Orleans. I wasborn and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here Ionly did laundry six times.

我在這里是因為你們，因為沒有比你們更優(yōu)秀更勇敢的畢業(yè)生了?？纯茨銈兠恳粋€人，身穿你們的袍子(學士袍)，通常我們說在早上10點還穿著袍子(睡袍)代表你放棄人生了(大家大笑)。我在這里，因為我愛紐奧良，我在這里出生成長，在此度過少年時光，正如你們一樣，當我住這里時，我只洗過6次衣服(眾人笑)。

When I finished school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle school, but I wentahead and finished high school anyway. And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what Iwanted to do. I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, Iwas a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought I'd justfinally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basiccable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, Ireally thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, Iwas dating men. So what I'm saying is, when you're older, most of you will be gay. Anyonewriting this stuff down? Parents?

當我從學校畢業(yè)的時候，我完完全全迷失了自我，學校我指的是初中(大家笑)，后來我也繼續(xù)念完了高中。我當時，沒有任何的野心，不知道自己想做什么。我什么工作都做，我挖生蠔，當帶位員，做酒保，當服務(wù)生，粉刷房子，賣吸塵器……完全不知道自己想做什么。我只想隨便找個糊口的工作，過一輩子，能有錢負得起房租就行，我完全沒有任何計劃。我想說的是，當我像你們這么大的時候，我真的以為我了解自己，但其實我并不了解，舉例來說，我像你們這么大的時候，還在和男人約會(大家大笑)。所以我的意思是：當你們再長大些后，大多數(shù)的人，都會是gay!(場內(nèi)爆笑，ellen自己也笑了)

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this pathwas from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a caraccident. And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going, and I foundout shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, Ihad no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? Idon't understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pickup the phone and call God, and ask these questions.

總之，當時我不知道我的人生要干嘛，而最后我找到了我人生目標，卻是因為一件十分悲慘的事。我那時可能才19歲，當時的女朋友因為車禍身亡了。我經(jīng)過了事故現(xiàn)場，并不知道是她，還繼續(xù)往前走。不久后，才知道那是她。我當時……住在地下室的公寓，沒有錢，沒有暖氣，房子里都是跳蚤。我困惑不已，心想，為何她突然走了，而為何我又呆再這樣一個境地里。我無法理解，但其中一定有什么理由。要是能直接拿起電話打給上帝問個清楚，不就太好了。

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God,which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and Ihadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, "I'm gonna do this onthe Tonight Show With Johnny Carson"- at the time he was the king - "and I'm gonna be thefirst woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down." And several years later, Iwas the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show tosit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.

于是我開始寫一些東西，心里涌現(xiàn)出一段我和上帝的對話，雖然只是我一個人的獨白。當我完成了它后，我閱讀了這個劇本，對自己說，我說我要在“今夜秀”上和強尼.卡森一起表演這一段。強尼.卡森是當時主持屆的天王，我對自己說我要成為該節(jié)目史上第一個被邀請和強尼一起坐下來訪問的女性。數(shù)年之后，我成為這個節(jié)目史上，第一位也是唯一一位，被邀請坐下來和他訪問的女性。就因為那段我寫的和上帝打電話的劇本。

And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard,because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I wasgay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me.

從此我開始做單人脫口秀，做得很成功，也很辛苦，因為我想討好每一個人，同時又守著我身為同性戀的秘密。我想人們要是發(fā)現(xiàn)了，就不會喜歡我了。

Then my career turned into - I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another levelof success. And I thought, what if they find out I'm gay, then they'll never watch, and this wasa long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago -and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn'tlive that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my characterwould come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to doanything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I justwanted to be honest. And I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? I can lose mycareer". I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, Iread it in the paper. The phone didn't ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted totouch me at all.

后來我又有了自己的喜劇，也很成功，更進一步的成功。我于是更擔心，要是別人發(fā)現(xiàn)了怎么辦，是不是就不會看我的節(jié)目了?這都是很久以前的事了，你們可能不知道，那都是我們的總統(tǒng)還都是白人時候的事了(大家大笑)。最終我還是決定……我一直帶著羞恥和恐懼而活，我再也不能像那樣活下去了，于是我決定讓劇中的主角和我自己同時出柜。不是為了什么政治原因或是其他，只是為了讓我從一個背負已久的沉重枷鎖中釋放出來，我只是想要……誠實!我想不會有更慘的事發(fā)生了，難道會失去我的演藝事業(yè)嗎?結(jié)果，我真的失去了。我的節(jié)目在做了6年后，沒有告知我就停播了，我讀了報紙才知道。家中的電話三年沒有再響過，沒人愿意找我做節(jié)目，沒人愿意碰我。

Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of whatI did. And I realised that I had a purpose. And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't aboutcelebrity, but I felt like I was being punished... it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, andthen I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. Andmost stations didn't want to pick it up. Most people didn't want to buy it because they thoughtnobody would watch me.

然而我收到了想要自殺的同性戀孩子的來信，他們因為我的出柜而最終沒有自殺，我才了解到，我在這個世上是有目的的。那曾是一段痛苦的日子，我很憤世嫉俗，很難過。后來有人找我做脫口秀(今天的ellenshow)，制作公司想要賣出節(jié)目，但是大多數(shù)電視臺都不愿意買。

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me tolose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place. I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets.and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.

當我回想起這些往事的時候，我一點也不想去改變什么，即使失去一切。因為我意識到，最重要的事是，對自己誠實。我的選擇令我在今天能活得自在，沒有恐懼和秘密。我知道一切都是ok的，因為無論如何，我知道自己是誰。

So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thoughtwhen I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I growup I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the PussycatDolls. How many people thought it was "boobies", by the way? It's not, it's "groupies".

因此，這是不是結(jié)論的結(jié)論，當我年輕時，對成功的定義不同，我想我的志愿是：我想出名，想當明星，拍電影，我想要去看世界，開名車，有一群死黨……(ellen這段說的很溜，大家反應(yīng)過來其實這是小野貓的一首歌的歌詞，于是大笑)

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you'll realise the definition ofsuccess changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots oftequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and notto give into peer pressure. to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as anhonest and compassionate person. to contribute in some way.

但今日我對成功的定義變了，當你長大，你就會發(fā)現(xiàn)這點。對你們中的很多人來說，成功的定義是能灌下20杯龍舌蘭酒(大家笑)。對我來說，生命中最重要的事是：活得誠實!別逼自己去做不是真正的你，要活得正直，有憐憫之心，在某些方面有所貢獻。

So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never followanyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by allmeans you should follow that. Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don'ttake anyone's advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

因此，這是結(jié)論的結(jié)論(眾人笑)：追隨熱情，忠于自我，絕不要追隨別人的腳步，除非你在森林里迷路了才要這么做(大家笑)。別給人忠告，別接受任何人的忠告。所以…我要給大家的忠告是(大家大笑)：做真實的你，一切都會沒事的。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It's gonna begreat. You've already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentionedbefore, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. Andnow you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, "Is it above sealevel?" .

我知道在座很多人都在擔心自己的前途，但不用擔心，經(jīng)濟正急速增長，就業(yè)市場求才若渴(大家大笑)，地球也好的很!(大家笑)一切都會好的，你們都經(jīng)歷過風災(zāi)了，還有什么可怕的?如我以前所說的：最慘痛的事教會你最多。比如現(xiàn)在你第一次面試，就知道該問考官什么了，例如“公司高于海平面嗎?”(大家大笑，紐奧良因地勢低被淹水)

So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, in the common cementspeech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showingyour boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads thanyou know what to do with. And you'll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009,I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: you'regonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

因此……總結(jié)一下我剛才做的我的“常見的水泥”演講的結(jié)論(大家笑)，我猜我想說的是，人生猶如一場狂歡嘉年華，記得展現(xiàn)你的頭腦，而不是胸部。……2009年的畢業(yè)生們，我說祝賀大家了!若你不記得我今天說的任何話，就請記住這一句：you’re going to be ok，dun-doom-doom-doom(大家愣)，just dance!(所有人大笑歡呼)