不要告訴你的孩子說他們很有能力

In recent years, our parenting culture began to send the message that competence was important for building self-esteem and that parents needed to do everything they can to convince their children how competent they were. All very reasonable, to be sure. However, that same parenting culture made a big mistake by telling parents that the way to instill competence in their children was to tell them how competent they were. Parents bought into this message and starting telling their children how smart andtalented and wonderful they were. But here's the problem. Children can't be convinced that they are competent.

近幾年，我們的教養(yǎng)文化開始傳達這樣的信息：能力對樹立自尊很重要，父母應(yīng)該盡其所能使他們的孩子相信他們是多么有能力?？梢钥隙ǖ氖牵械倪@些都很合理。然而，同樣的教養(yǎng)文化通過給孩子們灌輸他們是多么有能力的方式犯了個大錯誤。父母們輸入了這樣的信息，并且開始告訴他們的孩子他們是多么聰明，多么有天賦，多么棒。但是這里有一個問題，孩子們不能被說服相信他們是有能力的。

When parents try to convince their children of how competent they are, they often have the exact opposite effect. There is this little thing called reality that children have to confront on a daily basis; life has a way of sending messages about competence that can be in sharp contrast to the outsized messages of competence that parents send their children. When children are faced with the conflict between what their parents had told them about how good they are and what reality is telling them, the result is the bursting of the “You are the best” bubble that their parents blew up for them. The result: disappointment, hurt, and an actual loss of sense of competence. Let me be clear here: The only way for children to build a true sense of competence is through first-hand experience that includes travails, triumphs, struggles, setbacks, and successes.

當(dāng)父母盡力去讓孩子他們是多么有能力時，這往往會起到相反的效果。孩子們在日常中不得不面對一種叫做現(xiàn)實的東西。生活有一種傳遞能力信息的方式，這種方式和父母傳遞給孩子說他們有很強能力的信息形成鮮明對比。當(dāng)孩子們面臨這父母告訴他們的他們多么優(yōu)秀和現(xiàn)實正告訴他們的這兩者之間的沖突時，其結(jié)果就是摧毀了父母為他們放大的“你是最棒的”的泡沫。結(jié)果是失望、受傷和能力感覺的實際損失。這兒讓我說清楚：為孩子建立真正意義上的能力唯一方式就是第一手的體驗，包括艱辛、勝利、斗爭、挫折和成功。

So, to reiterate, only your children can build their sense of competence. You can, however, do several things to encourage them to develop their own competence. First, you can give them opportunities in their daily lives to gain a sense of competence. Your family life is rife with situations that are just calling out for you to allow your children to “get their hands dirty” and find out what they are capable of, for example, dressing, eating, drawing, reading, cooking, chores, and interacting with others. Of course, they will gain additional competencies from their experiences in school, sports, the performing arts, and other extracurricular activities.

所以，重申一下，只有孩子自己可以建立他們的能力。然而，你可以做一些事情來鼓勵他們發(fā)展自己的能力。首先，你可以在日常生活中給他們機會去獲得能力。你的家庭生活充滿了各種狀況，這就是在呼喚你讓你的孩子“弄臟自己的手，”然后找到他們的能力。例如：穿衣、吃飯、繪畫、閱讀、烹飪、家務(wù)、以及與他人交流。當(dāng)然，他們也將從他們在學(xué)校里的經(jīng)歷中獲得很多額外的能力，比如體育、演藝和其他的課外活動。

These daily experiences allow your children to develop specific competencies that will be helpful to them as they progress through childhood and into adulthood. Those early competencies lay the foundation for the development of more complex capabilities later in life related to higher education, career, and more sophisticated relationships.

這些日常經(jīng)歷能夠讓你的孩子發(fā)展具體的能力，當(dāng)他們經(jīng)歷孩童到成年的過程，這些能力對他們很有幫助。這些早期的能力也為他們后期生活中涉及的更加復(fù)雜能力發(fā)展像高等教育、事業(yè)和其他復(fù)雜的關(guān)系的發(fā)展等奠定了基礎(chǔ)。

Also, the more individual competencies children develop, the more they will view themselves as globally competent people which will give them confidence to explore their world, try new things, take risks, and persist in the face of obstacles and setbacks. In other words, competence begets competence.

另外，孩子們發(fā)展的個人能力越多，他們就越會認(rèn)為自己是在全世界都是有能力的人，這將給他們探索世界的信心，嘗試新事物，承擔(dān)風(fēng)險，并堅持面對障礙和挫折。換句話說，能力產(chǎn)生能力。

Second, you can be sure that they gain the most value from their experiences. You can direct their focus to the competencies that enabled those successes (e.g., “You were really focused and worked hard on that project.”) rather than some generic praise of the accomplishment itself (e.g., “Good job.!). And you can praise their accomplishments (e.g., “You must feel so good about your project.”).

第二點，你可以確定孩子們會從他們的經(jīng)歷中獲得最大的價值。你可以引導(dǎo)他們集中于那些能使他們成功的能力(例如：“在那個項目上你真的很專注很努力”)而不是那些成就本身所通用的一致好評(例如：“做得好”)。你可以贊揚他們的成就(例如：“你對你的項目一定感覺很棒”)。

But you shouldn't just focus on the successes because, as every parent knows, as your children develop, they will experience far more failures than successes as they begin to gain competence. How you react often dictates how they will respond to those failures. If you show disappointment and frustration, they will judge their experience asnegative and it may cause them to be reluctant to try again in the future. But if you are positive and supportive, your children will get the message that failure is okay and just a part of life.

但是你不應(yīng)該只關(guān)注成功，因為每一位父母都知道，當(dāng)孩子們發(fā)展時、獲得能力時，相對于成功，他們更可能失敗。你的反應(yīng)往往決定了了他們將如何回應(yīng)這些失敗。如果你表現(xiàn)的失望或者沮喪，他們會判定自己的經(jīng)歷是消極的，這可能會導(dǎo)致他們不愿在未來再嘗試一次。但是如果你是積極的支持的，你的孩子將會得到這樣的信息：失敗沒什么，也是生活中的一部分。

A great difficulty for parents is allowing their children to be wrong or do something poorly in the mistaken belief that these experiences will hurt their sense of competence and scar their little psyches. But children, like everyone else, will likely fail the first few times they try anything new. Plus, they're little kids, so you wouldn't expect them to do much of anything very well at first. Whether they do it well isn't important because success isn't really the goal. Instead, the goal is their willingness to keep trying. And you can have faith that if your children continue to try at something, they will, sooner or later, achieve some degree of competence and success.

對父母來說，一個很大的困難就是允許孩子犯錯，允許做一些不好的事情并且錯誤地認(rèn)為這些經(jīng)歷將會損傷他們的能力，給他們的小心靈留下創(chuàng)傷。但是和其他人一樣，孩子們在嘗試新事物的前幾次里可能會失敗。另外，他們是小孩子，你不能指望他們第一次都會把事情做得很好。他們能否做好不重要，因為成功不是真正的目的。相反的，我們的目的是他們愿意持續(xù)嘗試。你可以堅信：如果你的孩子可以繼續(xù)嘗試新事物，他們遲早會達到某種程度上的能力和成功。

Another mistake that parents make is that, after being unsuccessful when their children first try something, they try to correct them so they will succeed the next time they try (otherwise, many parents think, their children will get further scarred from the repeated failures). But put yourself in your children's shoes. How would you feel if you tried really hard at something and your parents jumped right in to show you that you did it the wrong way and here's how to do it the right way? Wouldn’t it irritate the heck out of you? Well, that's how your children probably feel. And what message are you sending with your rapid-fire intervention? That you don't believe your children are competent enough to figure it out on their own. You may ask, but how are they going to learn to do it the right way? I assure you that they will most likely figure it out themselves over time, through practice or observation. When they do finally get it, they will own it and will make a big deposit in their competence “bank.” That's not to say that you can't lend a hand when they are struggling. But let them take the lead; if they really want your help, they'll ask for it.

父母會犯的另外一個錯誤是，當(dāng)孩子們第一次嘗試一些事情失敗后，他們盡力去糾正孩子，所以下一次他們嘗試的時候會取得成功。(否則，許多父母認(rèn)為，他們的孩子將從不斷重復(fù)的失敗中得到更大的創(chuàng)傷)。但是你應(yīng)該把自己放在孩子的位置。如果你在某件事情上很努力，然而你的父母跳著告訴你你做錯了，并告訴你用正確的方法該怎么做，你感覺如何?這會不會刺激你的挫折感?其實，那可能就是你孩子的感受。你快速發(fā)送和干預(yù)的信息是什么呢?你不相信你的孩子有足夠的能力去解決自己的事情。你可能會問：他們要怎么學(xué)會用正確的方法去做呢?我向你保證，他們將最有可能隨著時間的推移通過實踐和觀察去弄明白自己。當(dāng)他們最終得到它，他們就會擁有它并且會在他們的能力“銀行”有一大筆存款。這并不是說當(dāng)孩子們在苦苦掙扎的時候你們不能伸出援手，而是應(yīng)該讓他們先帶頭，如果他們真的需要你的幫助，他們會開口的。