雙語暢銷書·怦然心動 Chapter 05　嘿——嘿——嘿！快走開！

Chapter 05

嘿——嘿——嘿！快走開！

我害怕雞蛋，也害怕雞。好吧，你想笑就笑吧，不過我確實(shí)沒有騙你。

關(guān)于雞蛋，那是六年級的事了。

這里面還有一條蛇。

以及貝克家的兄弟們。

貝克家的兩兄弟名叫馬特和麥克，不過直到現(xiàn)在我也分不清誰是誰。他們一向形影不離。雖然不是雙胞胎，但兩個(gè)人的長相和聲音卻出奇地相似，他們都和利奈特一個(gè)班，所以其中的一個(gè)也許留過級。

反正，我從沒見過哪個(gè)老師心甘情愿地連續(xù)兩年教這兩個(gè)瘋子，無論哪一個(gè)。

不管怎么說，馬特和麥克讓我見識了蛇怎么吃雞蛋。我說吃雞蛋，是指連殼也不剝，囫圇吞下去的吃法。

如果不是利奈特，我可能一輩子都無法擺脫對爬行類動物的小小恐懼。利奈特和住在三條街以外的斯凱勒·布朗是死黨，一有機(jī)會，她就跑去看他練習(xí)打鼓。就是那種，咚——咚——砰什么的，好像跟我也沒什么關(guān)系，對吧？但是后來斯凱勒和朱莉的哥哥組了一個(gè)樂隊(duì)，他們起名叫“神秘小便”。

媽媽聽說以后，快要?dú)庹耍骸澳膫€(gè)父母會放任孩子組織什么‘神秘小便’樂隊(duì)？太下流了。真是惡心！”

“這就是他們要達(dá)到的目的，媽媽，”利奈特試著給她解釋，“名字什么也代表不了。只是為了惹那些老家伙生氣。”

“你在說我老嗎，年輕的女士？因?yàn)槲掖_確實(shí)實(shí)生你們的氣了！”

利奈特只是聳聳肩，表示媽媽隨便怎么想都可以。

“去！回到你房間去?！眿寢寪汉莺莸卣f。

“為什么？”利奈特也惡狠狠地回答她，“我什么也沒說！”

“你當(dāng)然知道這是為什么。現(xiàn)在給我回屋去，好好反省你的態(tài)度，年輕姑娘！”

于是，利奈特就這樣再一次因?yàn)榍啻浩诘臎_動被關(guān)了禁閉，從此以后，只要晚餐時(shí)間利奈特遲到了兩分鐘以上，媽媽就會命令我去斯凱勒家叫她回家。利奈特大概覺得很尷尬，但我感覺更糟。我還在上小學(xué)，而“神秘小便”的成員已經(jīng)上中學(xué)了。他們成熟，穿著講究，鄰里之間都聽得到他們的電吉他奏出的強(qiáng)力和弦，而我看起來就像是剛從主日學(xué)?；丶业男『骸?/p>

我緊張得不得了，叫利奈特回家吃飯的時(shí)候連聲音都變尖了。真的，我一點(diǎn)兒也不夸張。不過沒過多久，樂隊(duì)就把名字里的“神秘”二字去掉了，“小便”斯凱勒和樂隊(duì)其他成員也慢慢習(xí)慣了我的出現(xiàn)。他們不再對我怒目相向，而是對我說：“嘿，小弟弟，過來一起玩一會兒！”或是“嗨，布萊斯弟弟，想跟我們來段即興嗎？”

于是，我就這樣混進(jìn)了斯凱勒·布朗家的車庫，身邊圍繞著一群中學(xué)生，觀看一條大蟒蛇吞雞蛋。我早就在貝克兄弟家的臥室里見過它吃下一只老鼠，所以“小便”的把戲沒那么容易嚇到我。況且，我意識到他們是存心保留這個(gè)小節(jié)目用來捉弄我，于是打定主意不能讓他們得逞。

不過，這還真有點(diǎn)難度，親眼見證蛇吞下一只雞蛋，要比想象中更令人毛骨悚然。那條蟒蛇把血盆大口張到嚇人的程度，含住雞蛋，只聽“咕?！币宦?，那只雞蛋就滾進(jìn)了它的喉嚨。但是戲還沒演完。蟒蛇吞下三個(gè)雞蛋之后，馬特——也許是麥克——說：“布萊斯弟弟，你知道它怎么消化這些蛋嗎？”

我嫌惡地聳聳肩，試圖保持住正常說話的聲音，然后答道：“胃酸？”

他搖頭，裝出一副天機(jī)不可泄露的表情：“它需要一棵樹，或者一條腿。”他沖我咧嘴笑著，“你愿意把腿借給它嗎？”

我向后退了兩步，眼前全是那個(gè)怪物把我整條腿當(dāng)成餐后甜點(diǎn)一口吞掉的畫面。“不——不行！”我說。

他笑了，指著正在爬過房間的大蟒：“噢，太糟糕了。它選擇了另一種方式，打算用鋼琴代替你的腿?！?/p>

用鋼琴！這到底是條什么蛇??？姐姐怎么能容忍跟這些瘋子待在同一個(gè)房間？我看著她，雖然利奈特仍然表現(xiàn)出一副無所謂的樣子，但我了解她——她早就被嚇出一身雞皮疙瘩了。

蛇把身體在鋼琴腳上繞了三圈，然后馬特——也許是麥克——豎起食指：“噓！噓！安靜安靜?？春昧?！”

蛇停止蠕動，開始收縮身體。隨著收縮的過程，我們聽到了雞蛋在體內(nèi)碎裂的聲音?！疤炷模珢盒牧?！”女孩子們感嘆道?！鞍?，我的天！”男孩子們說。麥克和馬特相視大笑：“準(zhǔn)備開飯！”

面對蟒蛇，我希望保持冷靜，但事實(shí)上我開始做噩夢，夢里全是蛇在吞雞蛋、吞老鼠、吞貓。

還有我自己。

真正的噩夢由此開始。

在斯凱勒家車庫里看完那場秀大約兩周后的一天早上，朱莉出現(xiàn)在我家門口，猜猜她手里拿著什么？半箱雞蛋。她蹦蹦跳跳的，就像在過圣誕節(jié)：“你好呀，布萊斯！還記得艾比、邦妮、克萊德和德克斯特嗎？還有尤尼斯和佛羅倫斯？”

我一頭霧水地看著她。圣誕老人的馴鹿好像不叫這個(gè)名字呀。

“你知道吧……我養(yǎng)的雞？去年科技展孵化出的那些?！?/p>

“哦，沒錯(cuò)。當(dāng)然忘不了。”

“它們下蛋了！”她把紙箱塞進(jìn)我手里，“拿著！這是送給你和你全家的?！?/p>

“哦。呃，謝謝?！闭f著，我關(guān)上了門。

我以前很喜歡吃雞蛋。尤其是炒蛋，配上培根或者番茄醬。可是，就算沒有蟒蛇在其中作梗，我也知道這些雞蛋無論怎么烹調(diào)，吃在我嘴里必定味同嚼蠟。因?yàn)樯暗碾u是朱莉安娜·貝克在五年級科技展上孵出來的。

那是典型的朱莉作風(fēng)。她完完全全支配了科技展，而她的項(xiàng)目自始至終都是在觀察雞蛋。要知道，孵蛋的過程其實(shí)沒什么值得大書特書的細(xì)節(jié)。調(diào)好光線，擺好容器，鋪上碎報(bào)紙，就是這樣。沒有別的了。

但是，朱莉決心要寫一篇冗長的報(bào)告，還要加上圖表——線圖、柱狀圖和餅圖——來描述雞蛋的活動。幾個(gè)雞蛋而已！

她還計(jì)算了孵蛋的時(shí)間，控制它們在展覽當(dāng)天晚上孵出小雞。她干嗎非得這么做??？我辛辛苦苦做了一個(gè)火山噴發(fā)的實(shí)景模型，結(jié)果人人都去關(guān)心朱莉的小雞怎么破殼了。我也親自去看了一眼——完全客觀地說——太無聊了。小雞只花了五秒鐘的時(shí)間就破殼而出，而后的五分鐘里就躺在那兒一動不動。

我聽見朱莉嘰里咕嚕地對評委們說著什么。她拿著一支教鞭——你能相信嗎？不是鉛筆，而是一支真正的可伸縮的教鞭，以便她站在孵化器旁邊也能指著那些圖表，介紹觀察小雞21天孵化過程的興奮之情。

她只差沒穿一身小雞戲服了，朋友，我敢保證——如果她真的想穿，早就穿上了。

不過，這件事已經(jīng)過去了。這就是朱莉會做的事，對吧？但是一年后的今天，眼前突然跑出來一箱自家出產(chǎn)的雞蛋。剛好媽媽從走廊里探出頭來問我：“剛才是誰啊，親愛的？你拿著什么東西？是雞蛋嗎？”這時(shí)候我很難壓住火氣，不去想她那個(gè)得了大獎的愚蠢的項(xiàng)目吧。

從媽媽的表情來看，她正在忙著做飯?！笆堑模蔽野央u蛋遞給她，“不過我只想吃麥片?！?/p>

她打開紙箱看了看，然后笑著合上了?！罢娌诲e(cuò)！”她說，“誰送來的？”

“朱莉。她下的?！?/p>

“她下的？”

“呃，她家的雞下的。”

“是嗎？”媽媽的笑容退去，她重新打開紙箱，“這樣啊。我不知道她還……養(yǎng)了雞。”

“記得嗎？去年科技展的時(shí)候，你和爸爸花了一個(gè)小時(shí)看它們出殼?！?/p>

“好吧，可是我們怎么才能知道……這些雞蛋里有沒有小雞？”

我聳聳肩：“我說過了，我只吃麥片?！?/p>

那天我們吃的都是麥片，但談話的內(nèi)容一直是雞蛋。爸爸認(rèn)為它們完全可以吃——他小的時(shí)候吃過農(nóng)場養(yǎng)殖的新鮮雞蛋，非常鮮美。但媽媽無法摒棄她會從雞蛋里敲出一只死雞的念頭，然后話題迅速轉(zhuǎn)向了公雞的問題——我抱著我的麥片只好無語了。

最后利奈特說：“如果他們養(yǎng)了一只公雞，你覺得我們會不知道嗎？所有的鄰居會不知道？”

嗯，我們都認(rèn)為她說到點(diǎn)子上了。但是媽媽仍然不甘心：“也許他們養(yǎng)了一只不會打鳴的。你知道——就像不會叫的狗一樣？”

“一只不會打鳴的公雞?！卑职终f，就像聽到了最最荒謬的故事一樣。他看了媽媽一眼，意識到自己最好還是附和她關(guān)于公雞不會打鳴的主意，而不是取笑她?！斑?，”他說，“我從來沒聽說過，不過這也是有可能的。”

利奈特聳聳肩，對媽媽說：“你去問問他們好啦。給貝克夫人打個(gè)電話就知道了?！?/p>

“哦，”媽媽說，“好吧，我可不想問她關(guān)于雞蛋的問題。這聽起來不太禮貌，對不對？”

“問問馬特或者麥克?！蔽覍翁卣f。

她怒視著我，從牙縫里說：“閉嘴。”

“怎么了？我什么也沒說！”

“你沒發(fā)現(xiàn)我再也不去他家了嗎，白癡！”

“利奈特！”媽媽喊道，就像是頭一次聽到姐姐用這種態(tài)度對我說話似的。

“嘿，這是真的！他怎么會不知道呢？”

“我正想問你呢，親愛的。出什么問題了？”

利奈特站起來，把椅子推回去?！皠e裝得好像你真的關(guān)心我似的?！彼е勒f，然后沖回房間去了。

“唉，天哪！”爸爸說。

媽媽站起來：“不好意思?！比缓蟾翁厝チ俗呃?。

媽媽走了以后，爸爸說：“好吧，孩子，為什么你不去問問朱莉呢？”

“爸爸！”

“就問個(gè)簡單的問題嘛，布萊斯。沒什么大不了?！?/p>

“但是她會拉住我解釋半個(gè)小時(shí)！”

他盯著我看了一分鐘，然后說：“男孩不應(yīng)該害怕女孩?！?/p>

“我不是怕她……”

“我覺得你是?！?/p>

“爸爸！”

“真的，孩子。我希望你去問問她?？朔謶郑貋砀嬖V我們答案?！?/p>

“問他們養(yǎng)沒養(yǎng)公雞？”

“是的，”他站起來，收起盛麥片的碗，“我得去上班了，你也要去上學(xué)。我希望今晚聽到答案?！?/p>

好極了。真是好極了。這一天還沒有開始，就被毀掉了。在學(xué)校，我跟加利特講了這件事，他卻只是聳聳肩說：“好吧，她就住在你家對街，是不是？”

“對，怎么了？”

“你爬上圍欄去看看唄?！?/p>

“你讓我偷偷摸摸去偵察一下？”

“當(dāng)然了?！?/p>

“可是……我怎么才能知道他們養(yǎng)沒養(yǎng)公雞？”

“公雞嘛……我不知道……體形大一些。羽毛更多?！?/p>

“羽毛？你是說我要去數(shù)羽毛？”

“不，笨蛋！我媽媽說公雞的羽毛更鮮艷。”他笑了，“不過對你來說，我就不確定了。”

“謝謝。你幫了我大忙，伙計(jì)。太謝謝了。”

“記住，公雞的個(gè)頭更大，羽毛更鮮艷。你知道吧，就是屁股后面那些長長的羽毛。紅色，或者黑色，或者別的顏色。還有，公雞是不是頭上長了些紅色的軟乎乎的東西？還有脖子上也是？沒錯(cuò)，反正公雞在腦袋的四周都長著紅色的軟東西?！?/p>

“所以你的意思是，我應(yīng)該爬上圍欄，尋找長了長羽毛和紅色軟東西的家伙?！?/p>

“哦，等等，萬一小雞也長了那些紅色的軟東西呢。你看著辦吧。”

我朝他翻著白眼，差一點(diǎn)兒就想說，我還是問問朱莉算了。但他忽然說道：“如果需要的話，我陪你去?！?/p>

“真的嗎？”

“當(dāng)然，哥們兒。真的?！?/p>

于是，我和加利特·安德森就這樣在下午三點(diǎn)半來到貝克家的后墻，緊張地朝院子里偷窺。不是為了行動隱蔽，而是不這樣就沒法在當(dāng)天晚飯時(shí)間向爸爸交差了。

我們行動得很迅速。下課鈴一響，我們就從學(xué)校溜出來，因?yàn)樵谟?jì)劃里，如果我們到貝克家夠早，就能在朱莉到家之前搞定一切。連書包都沒放回家，我們就直接沖下小路，準(zhǔn)備實(shí)施偷窺計(jì)劃。

其實(shí)不一定要爬上貝克家的圍欄。我發(fā)現(xiàn)，從外面幾乎可以直接看到院子里的景象。但是加利特執(zhí)著地抻著脖子向上看，我不得不照計(jì)劃行事，不過潛意識里我還是想到，加利特不住這附近，而我還要繼續(xù)住在這兒呢。

后院亂得一塌糊涂，這倒沒有出乎我的意料。灌木已經(jīng)長瘋了，用木頭和鐵絲搭的雞籠擺在一邊，院子里沒鋪草坪，而是一層肥沃的土壤。

加利特先發(fā)現(xiàn)了那條狗，它睡在露臺上兩張丑陋的折疊椅中間。他指指狗：“你覺得它會給咱們搗亂嗎？”

“我們不會在里面待太久的，不至于惹上麻煩！那些該死的雞在哪兒？”

“也許在籠子里?！彼麚炱鹨粔K石頭，朝那堆膠合板和鐵絲網(wǎng)組成的破爛扔過去。

只聽見一陣掀動羽毛的聲音，后來其中一只拍著翅膀走出來。它沒走多遠(yuǎn)，卻也足夠讓我們看到它的羽毛和紅色的冠子。

“怎么樣？”我問，“這是公雞嗎？”

他聳聳肩：“我覺得像小雞?！?/p>

“你怎么知道？”

他又聳聳肩：“我就是知道?！?/p>

我們看著它翻動泥土，然后我問：“好吧，母雞長什么樣？”

“母雞？”

“是啊。有公雞、小雞，也有母雞。母雞長什么樣？”

“那里就有一只?！彼钢惪思业暮笤赫f。

“那么，小雞什么樣？”

他看著我，就像我是個(gè)瘋子：“你在說什么？”

“我說小雞！小雞什么樣？”

他往后退了一步，說：“布萊斯弟弟，你瘋了嗎。那就是一只小雞！”他彎腰撿起另一塊石頭，正要往外扔，這時(shí)露臺的玻璃門被推開了，朱莉從屋里走出來。

我們一起縮回頭。我一邊透過圍欄向里面望著，一邊問道：“她什么時(shí)候回來的？”

加利特小聲抱怨著：“就在你抽風(fēng)問起那只小雞的時(shí)候?！比缓笄穆曊f，“不過，這么一來倒是簡單了。她是不是拿著籃子？她大概要過來撿雞蛋?！?/p>

但是她要先寵愛一下她那條臟兮兮的狗。她彎下腰，把狗搓圓揉扁地愛撫了一通，然后唱起了歌。

她竟然真的在唱歌，用盡全力扯著嗓子：“在陰天中的一縷陽光，外邊還很冷，這個(gè)月已經(jīng)是五月，我猜測你會說是什么讓我們走上這條路，我的女孩，我談?wù)摰呐ⅰ?/p>

她朝雞籠里望去，咕咕地叫著：“你好呀，弗洛！下午好，邦妮！過來呀，我的小寶貝！”

雞籠不夠大，她不能走到里面去。它更像一個(gè)單面坡頂?shù)男∥?，連狗都很難往里鉆。不過，什么事情也難不住朱莉安娜·貝克。她彎下身，手掌和膝蓋著地，一頭扎進(jìn)去。雞們咯咯叫著，拍著翅膀跑出來，轉(zhuǎn)眼院子里全是雞，朱莉只露出一雙沾滿雞糞的鞋在籠子外面。

我們聽到的不光是雞叫。她在籠子里繼續(xù)顫聲唱道：“我不需要金錢財(cái)富和名譽(yù)，我已經(jīng)很富有，親愛的，你就是我想要的，我猜測你會說是什么讓我們走上這條路，我的女孩，我談?wù)摰呐ⅰ?/p>

有那么一瞬間，我的注意力根本不在尋找小雞身上有沒有紅色的冠子或是羽毛。我低頭看著朱莉安娜·貝克的腳，好奇這世界上怎么會有人趴在東倒西歪的雞舍里、鞋子上沾滿雞糞，卻還是那么快樂。

加利特讓我重新回到現(xiàn)實(shí)?！斑@些都是小雞，”他說，“你看?！?/p>

我迅速地把視線從朱莉的鞋子上收回，開始研究那些雞。先是清點(diǎn)數(shù)量，1——2——3——4——5——6，都在這里了。

不管怎么說，誰能忘了她當(dāng)初孵出了六只小雞呢？這是本校有史以來的最高紀(jì)錄——縣里的每一個(gè)人都聽說了。

可我還是不知道該怎么開口請教加利特。沒錯(cuò)，它們?nèi)切‰u，這能說明什么問題？我不想讓他再有機(jī)會數(shù)落我，但還是沒看出其中的意義。最后，我還是問他：“你是說，這里沒有公雞？”

“絕對沒有?！?/p>

“你怎么知道？”

他聳肩：“公雞走起路來趾高氣揚(yáng)的。”

“趾高氣揚(yáng)？”

“是的?？墒悄憧础@里沒有一只雞長了長羽毛，還有那些紅色的軟軟的東西，”他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，“是的。它們肯定都是小雞?！?/p>

那天晚上，爸爸開門見山地問：“好吧，兒子，任務(wù)完成了嗎？”他邊說邊用力刺向碗里的意大利面，在叉子上卷成一團(tuán)。

我也把面條如此處理，朝他微微一笑。“嗯哼，”我的語氣就像是播報(bào)新聞，“它們都是小雞?！?/p>

他翻卷叉子的手忽然停住了：“所以？”

我感覺到有什么不對，但不知道是哪里不對。我試著繼續(xù)保持微笑，說：“什么所以？”

他放下叉子，盯著我的臉：“她是這么回答你的？‘它們都是小雞’？”

“呃，不完全是?！?/p>

“她到底是怎么回答的？”

“呃……其實(shí)她什么都沒說?！?/p>

“這是什么意思？”

“意思是我跑去她家然后自己看了一眼?！蔽遗φf得像是一項(xiàng)了不起的成就，但是爸爸不買賬。

“你沒問她？”

“我不需要問，加利特很懂行，我們一起去觀察得出了結(jié)論。”

利奈特回來了，她剛才去洗掉了僅剩的幾根面條上的干酪醬。拿過鹽瓶，她瞪了我一眼：“你才是小雞。”

“利奈特！”媽媽說，“你注意點(diǎn)?！?/p>

利奈特停止撒鹽：“媽媽，他去偷窺了。你明白嗎？他從別人家的圍欄向里偷窺，難道你能容忍他這么做？”

媽媽把頭轉(zhuǎn)向我這邊：“布萊斯，這是真的嗎？”

現(xiàn)在人人都在盯著我看，我覺得有必要維護(hù)自己的臉面：“這算什么？你讓我去搞清楚他們家養(yǎng)了什么雞，我就去了！”

“嘿——嘿——嘿！”姐姐發(fā)出低低的吼聲。

爸爸沒有恢復(fù)咀嚼?！岸愕拇鸢甘?，”他字斟句酌地說，“它們都是……小雞?！?/p>

“是的?！?/p>

他嘆了口氣，叉起一口面條，嚼了很久很久才咽下去。

我的心迅速地往下沉，卻還是一頭霧水。為了打破尷尬，我說：“所以，你們可以放心吃那些雞蛋了，不過我連碰都不想碰，千萬別再跟我提到它們了?！?/p>

媽媽一邊吃著沙拉，一邊用目光在爸爸和我的臉上反復(fù)逡巡，我相信她在等待爸爸對我偵察鄰居家的壯舉做出表示。但爸爸什么都沒說，于是她清清喉嚨，說道：“為什么？”

“因?yàn)椤溃驗(yàn)椤也恢涝撛趺凑f。”

“說出來?！卑职趾鋈婚_口。

“呃，因?yàn)?，你知道，那里到處都是屎?！?/p>

“哦，太惡心了！”姐姐邊說邊扔下她的叉子。

“你是說雞的糞便？”媽媽問。

“是的。那個(gè)院子里連草坪都沒有。到處都是土，還有，呃，你懂的，雞屎。小雞踩在上面，在雞屎里啄來啄去，還……”

“天哪，惡心死了！”利奈特哀號道。

“真的，就是這樣！”

利奈特站起來：“你覺得我聽了這個(gè)還吃得下去？”然后昂首闊步地走出房間。

“利奈特！你必須吃點(diǎn)東西再走。”媽媽朝她身后喊道。

“不，我不吃了！”她喊回來，一秒鐘以后，她轉(zhuǎn)過頭，探進(jìn)客廳說，“而且你再也別指望我吃一個(gè)雞蛋了，媽媽?！抽T氏菌’這個(gè)詞對你而言一點(diǎn)兒意義都沒有嗎？”

利奈特沖向走廊，媽媽說：“沙門氏菌？”她把頭轉(zhuǎn)向爸爸，“你覺得雞蛋上有沙門氏菌嗎？”

“我不知道，佩西。我更擔(dān)心的是，我兒子是個(gè)膽小鬼?！?/p>

“膽小鬼？瑞克，別這么說。布萊斯才不是膽小鬼呢。他是個(gè)出色的孩子，他——”

“他害怕一個(gè)小姑娘。”

“爸爸，我不怕她，是她總來煩我！”

“為什么？”

“你知道為什么！她也來煩過你。她做事太過分了！”

“布萊斯，我希望你克服恐懼心理，可是你總是半途而廢。如果你喜歡她，那就是另外一回事了。愛是一種讓人害怕的東西，但你面對的不是愛，是尷尬。是的，她話太多了，她對每一件小事都過分熱心了，可是，那又怎么樣呢？敲門進(jìn)去，問她問題，再走出來。勇敢地面對她，把你的問題大聲說出來！”

“瑞克……”媽媽說，“瑞克，冷靜點(diǎn)。他確實(shí)回答了你問他的問題……”

“不，他沒有！”

“你這是什么意思？”

“他告訴我說，那里全都是小雞！它們當(dāng)然都是小雞！我的問題是，有幾只公的，幾只母的。”

爸爸的話好像一下一下敲進(jìn)我腦子里，好吧，我覺得自己是個(gè)徹頭徹尾的傻瓜。難怪他討厭我。我真是個(gè)白癡！它們都是小雞……上帝！加利特假裝自己是個(gè)雞類專家，其實(shí)他什么也不懂！我怎么會相信他的話呢？

但是太晚了。爸爸已經(jīng)認(rèn)定我是個(gè)膽小鬼，為了幫我克服恐懼，他決定讓我把那盒雞蛋送回貝克家，并告訴他們我家不吃雞蛋，或者我們對雞蛋過敏，任何借口都行。

媽媽插了進(jìn)來：“你看看你都在教他什么呀，瑞克？這不是真的。如果他把雞蛋還回去，難道不應(yīng)該跟他們說實(shí)話嗎？”

“怎么說？說你害怕沙門氏菌？”

“我？你不是也有點(diǎn)擔(dān)心嗎？”

“佩西，這不是重點(diǎn)。重點(diǎn)是，我不想有個(gè)膽小的兒子！”

“所以你教他說謊？”

“好吧。那就把雞蛋扔掉算了。不過從現(xiàn)在開始，我要求你正視那個(gè)厲害小妞的眼睛，聽見沒有？”

“好的，長官?！?/p>

“好，就這樣吧?！?/p>

接下來的八天里，我完全忘記了這件事。第九天，她又出現(xiàn)了，早上七點(diǎn)鐘，在我家門廊上手里拿著雞蛋，蹦蹦跳跳地說：“嗨，布萊斯！給你?！?/p>

我試著直視她的眼睛，禮貌地謝絕，可是該死的，她看起來那么高興，我根本沒有完全睡醒，不敢就這樣拒絕她。

她興奮地把又一盒雞蛋塞進(jìn)我手里，而我緊張地把它們?nèi)M(jìn)廚房的垃圾桶，趕在我爸爸下樓來吃早餐之前。

這種情況一直持續(xù)了兩年。兩年哪！它已經(jīng)變成我早上的固定節(jié)目。我得留心朱莉的到來，這樣就能在她敲門或者按門鈴之前把門打開，我還得在爸爸出現(xiàn)之前及時(shí)地把雞蛋毀尸滅跡。

終于有一天，我搞砸了。那段時(shí)間，因?yàn)闊o花果樹被砍，朱莉其實(shí)已經(jīng)不怎么出現(xiàn)了，但是突然有一天早上，她又回到我家門口的臺階上來送雞蛋。像平時(shí)一樣，我接過它們，然后想拿去丟掉。但是廚房的垃圾桶太滿了，盛不下這個(gè)盒子，所以我把它們放在垃圾的最上面，提起垃圾桶，推開房門，打算把它們一股腦兒地倒進(jìn)門外的垃圾箱。

猜猜誰像個(gè)雕塑似的站在我家門廊上？

當(dāng)然是送蛋的小母雞。

我差點(diǎn)把垃圾桶翻倒在門廊上?！澳阍趺催€在這兒？”我問她。

“我……我不知道。我只是在……想事情。”

“想什么？”我絕望了。我急需找到什么東西用來轉(zhuǎn)移她的注意力，在她發(fā)現(xiàn)這堆垃圾最上面是什么之前。她把目光移開了，就像難為情似的。朱莉安娜·貝克會覺得難為情？我認(rèn)為這是不可能的。

不過，管他呢。這是個(gè)難得的機(jī)會，我可以把一本濕漉漉的雜志蓋在盛雞蛋的盒子上，而我抓住了這關(guān)鍵的機(jī)會。然后，我試圖向側(cè)院里的垃圾箱發(fā)起快攻，但她竟然上來封堵我。沒錯(cuò)，她走過來嚴(yán)嚴(yán)實(shí)實(shí)地?fù)踝×宋业娜ヂ罚缓笊斐鍪直?，就像在斷球?/p>

她追著我不放，堵住我。“怎么回事？”她追問道，“是摔碎了嗎？”

太好了。我怎么沒想到？“是的，朱莉，”我告訴她，“我真的很抱歉?！?/p>

而我心里想的是，求求你，上帝，哦求求你，上帝，讓我把它們?nèi)舆M(jìn)垃圾箱吧。

但上帝一定是睡著了。朱莉抓住垃圾箱，翻出她寶貴的雞蛋，馬上就發(fā)現(xiàn)它們都好好的，連裂紋也沒有。

她手里拿著雞蛋，定定地站在那里，而我倒掉剩下的垃圾。

“你為什么要扔掉它們？”她問，可聽上去完全不像平時(shí)的朱莉安娜·貝克。那聲音輕輕的，帶著顫抖。

于是，我告訴她我們害怕被傳染沙門氏菌，因?yàn)樗业脑鹤訉?shí)在太臟了，而且我們不想傷害她的感情。我說得好像我們是對的，她才是錯(cuò)的，但我覺得自己就像個(gè)渾蛋，一個(gè)假惺惺的渾蛋。

她說，有幾家鄰居從她那里買雞蛋?；ㄥX買。

當(dāng)我的腦子還在處理這個(gè)驚人的消息時(shí)，她已經(jīng)迅速地心算過了?！澳阌袥]有想過，為了給你這些雞蛋，我已經(jīng)損失了超過一百美元？”她的眼淚洶涌而出，轉(zhuǎn)身跑過街道。

我只能努力說服自己，并不是我開口向她要這些雞蛋的——我從沒說過我們想要、需要或是喜歡它們——事實(shí)上，我從來沒見朱莉哭過。不管是體育課上摔斷了手臂，還是在學(xué)校被別的孩子欺負(fù)，或者被她的哥哥們戲弄。即使他們砍倒無花果樹的時(shí)候她也沒哭。剛才，我可以肯定她哭了，但我并沒有真的看見她的眼淚。

對我來說，朱莉安娜·貝克那么堅(jiān)強(qiáng)，不可能掉眼淚。

我回到自己的房間收拾上學(xué)用的東西，感到自己是地球上有史以來最糟糕的渾蛋。我躲著她、躲著爸爸鬼鬼祟祟地扔了兩年雞蛋——我成什么了？我為什么不能站出來說，不要再送了，謝謝你，我們不想要，我們不需要，我們不喜歡……把它們留給蛇吃吧，為什么不告訴她？說什么都可以！

難道我真的害怕傷害她的感情？

或者，我害怕的是她？

Chapter 05

Brawk-Brawk-Brawk!

BRYCE

Eggs scare me. Chickens, too. And buddy, you can laugh at that all you want, but I'm being dead serious here.

It started in the sixth grade with eggs.

And a snake.

And the Baker brothers.

The Baker brothers' names are Matt and Mike, but even now I can't tell you which one's which. You never see one without the other. And even though they're not twins, they do look and sound pretty much the same, and they're both in Lynetta's class, so maybe one of them got held back.

Although I can't exactly see a teacher voluntarily having either of those maniacs two years in a row.

Regardless, Matt and Mike are the ones who taught me that snakes eat eggs. And when I say they eat eggs, I'm talking they eat them raw and shell-on whole.

I probably would've gone my entire life without this little bit of reptilian trivia if it hadn't been for Lynetta. Lynetta had this major-league thing for Skyler Brown, who lives about three blocks down, and every chance she got, she went down there to hang out while he practiced the drums. Well, boom-boom-whap, what did I care, right? But then Skyler and Juli's brothers formed a band, which they named Mystery Pisser.

When my mom heard about it, she completely wigged out. "What kind of parents would allow their children to be in a band named Mystery Pisser? It's vile. It's disgusting!"

That's the whole point, Mom, Lynetta tried to explain. "It doesn't mean anything. It's just to get a rise out of old people."

Are you calling me old, young lady? Because it's certainly getting a rise out of me!

Lynetta just shrugged, implying that my mom could draw her own conclusion.

Go! Go to your room, my mother snapped.

For what? Lynetta snapped back. "I didn't say a thing!"

You know perfectly well what for. Now you go in there and adjust your attitude, young lady!

So Lynetta got another one of her teenage time-outs, and after that any time Lynetta was two minutes late coming home for dinner, my mother would messenger me down to Skyler's house to drag her home. It might have been embarrassing for Lynetta, but it was worse for me. I was still in elementary school, and the Mystery Pisser guys were in high school. They were ripe and ragged, raging power chords through the neighborhood, while I looked like I'd just gotten back from Sunday school.

I'd get so nervous going down there that my voice would squeak when I'd tell Lynetta it was time for dinner. It literally squeaked. But after a while the band dropped Mystery from their name, and Pisser and its entourage got used to me showing up. And instead of glaring at me, they started saying stuff like, "Hey, baby brother, come on in!" "Hey, Brycie boy, wanna jam?"

This, then, is how I wound up in Skyler Brown's garage, surrounded by high school kids, watching a boa constrictor swallow eggs. Since I'd already seen it down a rat in the Baker brothers' bedroom, Pisser had lost at least some of the element of surprise. Plus, I picked up on the fact that they'd been saving this little show to freak me out, and I really didn't want to give them the satisfaction.

This wasn't easy, though, because watching a snake swallow an egg is actually much creepier than you might think. The boa opened its mouth to an enormous size, then just took the egg in and glub! We could see it roll down its throat.

But that wasn't all. After the snake had glubbed down three eggs, Matt-or-Mike said, "So, Brycie boy, how's he gonna digest those?"

I shrugged and tried not to squeak when I answered, "Stomach acid?"

He shook his head and pretended to confide, "He needs a tree. Or a leg." He grinned at me. "Wanna volunteer yours?"

I backed away a little. I could just see that monster try to swallow my leg whole as an after-egg chaser. "N-no!"

He laughed and pointed at the boa slithering across the room. "Aw, too bad. He's going the other way. He's gonna use the piano instead!"

The piano! What kind of snake was this? How could my sister stand being in the same room as these dementos? I looked at her, and even though she was pretending to be cool with the snake, I know Lynetta — she was totally creeped out by it.

The snake wrapped itself around the piano leg about three times, and then Matt-or-Mike put his hands up and said, "Shhh! Shhh! Everybody quiet. Here goes!"

The snake stopped moving, then flexed. And as it flexed, we could hear the eggs crunch inside him. "Oh, gross!" the girls wailed. "Whoa, dude!" the guys all said. Mike and Matt smiled at each other real big and said, "Dinner is served!"

I tried to act cool about the snake, but the truth is I started having bad dreams about the thing swallowing eggs. And rats. And cats.

And me.

Then the real-life nightmare began.

One morning about two weeks after the boa showin Skyler's garage, Juli appears on our doorstep, and what's she got in her hands? A half-carton of eggs. She bounces around like it's Christmas, saying, "Hiya, Bryce! Remember Abby and Bonnie and Clyde and Dexter?Eunice and Florence?"

I just stared at her. Somehow I remembered Santa's reindeer a little different than that.

You know ... my chickens? The ones I hatched for the science fair last year?

Oh, right. How could I forget.

They're laying eggs! She pushed the carton into my hands. "Here, take these! They're for you and your family."

Oh. Uh, thanks,I said, and closed the door.

I used to really like eggs. Especially scrambled, with bacon or sausage. But even without the little snake incident, I knew that no matter what you did to these eggs, they would taste nothing but foul to me. These eggs came from the chickens that had been the chicks that had hatched from the eggs that had been incubated by Juli Baker for our fifth-grade science fair.

It was classic Juli. She totally dominated the fair, and get this —her project was all about watching eggs. My friend, there is not a lot of action to report on when you're incubating eggs. You've got your light, you've got your container, you've got some shredded newspaper, and that's it. You're done.

Juli, though, managed to write an inch-thick report, plus she made diagrams and charts — I'm talking line charts and bar charts and pie charts — about the activity of eggs. Eggs!

She also managed to time the eggs so that they'd hatch the night of the fair. How does a person do that? Here I've got a live-action erupting volcano that I've worked pretty stinking hard on, and all anybody cares about is Juli's chicks pecking out of their shells. I even went over to take a look for myself, and — I'm being completely objective here —it was boring. They pecked for about five seconds, then just lay there for five minutes.

I got to hear Juli jabber away to the judges, too. She had a pointer —can you believe that? Not a pencil, an actual retractable pointer, so she could reach across her incubator and tap on this chart or that diagram as she explained the excitement of watching eggs grow for twenty-one days. The only thing she could've done to be more overboard was put on a chicken costume, and buddy, I'm convinced — if she'd thought of it, she would have done it.

But hey — I was over it. It was just Juli being Juli, right? But all of a sudden thereI am a year later, holding a carton of home-grown eggs. And I'm having a hard time not getting annoyed all over again about her stupid blue-ribbon project when my mother leans out from the hallway and says, "Who was that, honey? What have you got there? Eggs?"

I could tell by the look on her face that she was hot to scramble. "Yeah," I said, and handed them to her. "But I'm having cereal."

She opened the carton, then closed it with a smile. "How nice!"she said. "Who brought themover?"

Juli. She grew them.

Grew them?

Well, her chickens did.

Oh? Her smile started falling as she opened the carton again. "Is that so. I didn't know she had... chickens."

Remember? You and Dad spent an hour watching them hatch at last year's science fair?

Well, how do we know there're not ... chicks inside these eggs?

I shrugged. "Like I said, I'm having cereal."

We all had cereal, but what we talked about were eggs. My dad thought they'd be just fine — he'd had farm-fresh eggs when he was a kid and said they were delicious. My mother, though, couldn't get past the idea that she might be cracking open a dead chick, and pretty soon discussion turned to the role of the rooster — something me and my Cheerios could've done without.

Finally Lynetta said, "If they had a rooster, don't you think we'd know? Don't you think the whole neighborhood would know?"

Hmmm, we all said, good point. But then my mom pipes up with, "Maybe they got it de-yodeled. You know — like they de-bark dogs?"

A de-yodeled rooster, my dad says, like it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. Then he looks at my mom and realizes that he'd be way better off going along with her de-yodeled idea than making fun of her. "Hmmm," he says, "I've never heard of such a thing, but maybe so."

Lynetta shrugs and says to my mom, "So just ask them, why don't you. Call up Mrs. Baker and ask her."

Oh,my mom says. "Well, I'd hate to call her eggs into question. It doesn't seem very polite, now, does it?"

Just ask Matt or Mike, I say to Lynetta.

She scowls at me and hisses, "Shut up."

What? What'd I do now?

Haven't you noticed I haven't been going down there, you idiot?

Lynetta! my mom says. Like this is the first time she's heard my sister talk to me or something.

Well, it's true! How can he not have noticed?

I was going to ask you about that, honey. Did something happen?

Lynetta stands up and shoves her chair in. "Like you care," she snaps, and charges down to her room.

Oh, boy, my dad says.

Mom says, "Excuse me," and follows Lynetta down the hall.

When my mother's gone, my dad says, "So, son, why don't you just ask Juli?"

Dad!

It's just a little question, Bryce. No harm, no foul.

But it'll get me a half-hour answer!

He studies me for a minute, then says, "No boy should be this afraid of a girl."

I'm not afraid of her... !

I think you are.

Dad!

Seriously, son. I want you to get us an answer. Conquer your fear and get us an answer.

To whether or not they have a rooster?

That's right. He gets up and clears his cereal bowl, saying, "I've got to get to work and you've got to get to school. I'll expect a report tonight."

Great. Just great. The day was doomed before it had started. But then at school when I told Garrett about what had happened, he just shrugged and said, "Well, she lives right across the street from you, right?"

Yeah, so?

So just go look over the fence.

You mean spy?

Sure.

But ... how can I tell if one of them's a rooster or not?

Roosters are ... I don't know... bigger. And they have more feathers.

Feathers? Like I've got to go and count feathers?

No, stupid! My mom says that the male's always brighter. Then he laughs and says, "Although in your case I'm not so sure."

Thanks. You are giving me big-time help here, buddy. I really appreciate it.

Look, a rooster's going to be bigger and have brighter feathers. You know, those long ones in the back? They're redder or blacker or whatever. And don't roosters have some rubbery red stuff growing off the top of their head? And some off their neck, too? Yeah, the rooster's got all sorts of rubbery red stuff all around its face.

So you're saying I'm supposed to look over the fence for big feathers and rubbery red stuff.

Well, come to think of it, chickens have that rubbery red stuff, too. Just not as much of it.

I rolled my eyes at him and was about to say, Forget it, I'll just ask Juli, but then he says, "I'll come with you if you want."

Seriously?

Yeah, dude. Seriously.

And that, my friend, is how I wound up spying over the Bakers' back fence with Garrett Anderson at three-thirty that afternoon. Not my choice of covert operations, but a necessary one in order to report back to my dad that night at dinner.

We got there fast, too. The bell rang and we basically charged off campus because I figured if we got to the Bakers' quick enough, we could look and leave before Juli was anywhere near her house. We didn't even drop off our backpacks. We went straight down the alley and started spying.

It'snot really necessary to look over the Bakers' fence. You can see almost as well looking through it. But Garrett kept sticking his head up, so I figured I should too, although in the back of my mind I was aware that Garrett didn't have to live in this neighborhood — I did.

The backyard was a mess. Big surprise. The bushes were out of control, there was some kind of hodgepodge wood-and-wire coop off to one side, and the yard wasn't grass, it was highly fertilized dirt.

Garrett was the first to notice their dog, sacked out on the patio between two sorry-looking folding chairs. He points at him and says, "You think he's going to give us trouble?"

We're not going to be here long enough to get in trouble! Where are those stupid chickens?

Probably in the coop, he says, then picks up a rock and throws it at the mess of plywood and chicken wire.

At first all we hear is a bunch of feathers flapping, but then one of the birds comes fluttering out. Not very far, but enough so we can see it's got feathers and rubbery red stuff.

So? I ask him. "Is that a rooster?"

He shrugs. "Looks like a chicken to me."

How can you tell?