《渺小一生》:“這部電影要叫什么？”

　 “Then I’ll carry you,” Jude had said promptly, and Willem had smiled. “Or we’ll get a donkey, and he’ll carry you. But really, Willem, the point is to walk the road, not ride it.”

“那我就背你。”裘德立刻說(shuō)，威廉露出微笑?！盎蛘呶覀兣活^驢子來(lái)，讓它馱著你。不過(guò)真的，威廉，這條路的重點(diǎn)就是要用走的，不是用騎的?！?

　 As they grew older, as it became clearer and clearer that this dream of Jude’s would forever remain simply that, their fantasies of the Camino became more elaborate. “Here’s the pitch,” Jude would say. “Four strangers—a Chinese Daoist nun coming to terms with her sexuality; a recently released British convict who writes poetry; a Kazakhstani former arms dealer grieving his wife’s death; and a handsome and sensitive but troubled American college dropout—that’s you, Willem—meet along the Camino and develop friendships of a lifetime. You’ll shoot in real time, so the shoot will only last as long as the walk does. And you’ll have to walk the entire time.”

后來(lái)隨著他們年紀(jì)漸長(zhǎng)，事情變得越來(lái)越明顯，裘德的這個(gè)夢(mèng)終將是個(gè)夢(mèng)，他們編織的圣雅各布之路幻想故事也變得更加復(fù)雜。“我想到一個(gè)了，”裘德會(huì)說(shuō)，“四個(gè)陌生人：一個(gè)逐漸接受自己性傾向的華人道姑；一個(gè)剛出獄的英國(guó)詩(shī)人囚犯；一個(gè)剛遭受喪妻之痛的哈薩克斯坦前任軍火販子；還有一個(gè)英俊、善感但煩惱的美國(guó)大學(xué)輟學(xué)生——威廉，這個(gè)就是你——在圣雅各布之路相遇，發(fā)展出一生的友誼。你們會(huì)實(shí)時(shí)拍攝，所以這段路走多久，拍攝時(shí)間就有多久。而且你從頭到尾都得用走的。”

　 By this time, he would always be laughing. “What happens in the end?” he asked.

講到這里，他通常已經(jīng)大笑起來(lái)?！白詈蟮慕Y(jié)局是什么？”他問(wèn)。

　 “The Daoist nun ends up falling in love with an ex–Israeli Army officer she meets along the way, and the two of them return to Tel Aviv to open a lesbian bar called Radclyffe’s. The convict and the arms dealer end up together. And your character will meet some virginal but, it turns out, secretly slutty Swedish girl along the route and open a high-end B&B in the Pyrenees, and every year, the original group will gather there for a reunion.”

“那個(gè)道姑最后愛上一個(gè)前以色列女軍官，兩人回到特拉維夫開了一家叫拉德克利夫的女同性戀酒吧[5]。那個(gè)前科犯和軍火販子最后在一起了。你的角色會(huì)在路上認(rèn)識(shí)一個(gè)貌似純潔、但私底下很淫蕩的瑞典少女，最后在比利牛斯山區(qū)開了一家高檔民宿，每一年，你們?cè)嗳笋R都會(huì)去那邊團(tuán)聚?！?

　 “What’s the movie called?” he asked, grinning.

“這部電影要叫什么？”他咧嘴笑著問(wèn)。

　 Jude thought. “Santiago Blues,” he said, and Willem laughed again.

裘德想了一下說(shuō)：“《圣雅各布藍(lán)調(diào)》?！蓖执笮ζ饋?lái)。

　 Ever since, they had referred in passing to Santiago Blues, whose cast morphed to accommodate him as he grew older, but whose premise and location never did. “How’s the script?” Jude would ask him whenever something new came in, and he would sigh. “Okay,” he would say. “Not Santiago Blues good, but okay.”

從此以后，他們偶爾就會(huì)隨口提起《圣雅各布藍(lán)調(diào)》，隨著他年紀(jì)漸長(zhǎng)，里頭的角色也跟著調(diào)整，但設(shè)定和拍攝地點(diǎn)還是一樣?！澳莻€(gè)劇本怎么樣？”每回他拿到一個(gè)新劇本，裘德就會(huì)這樣問(wèn)他，而他會(huì)嘆氣?！斑€好，”他說(shuō)，“不像《圣雅各布藍(lán)調(diào)》那么好，不過(guò)還可以?！?

　 And then, shortly after that pivotal Thanksgiving, Kit, whom Willem had at one point told of his and Jude’s interest in the Camino, had sent him a script with a note that read only “Santiago Blues!” And while it wasn’t exactly Santiago Blues—thank god, he and Jude agreed, it was far better—it was in fact set on the Camino, it would in fact be shot partly in real time, and it did in fact begin in the Pyrenees, at Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port, and ended in Santiago de Compostela. The Stars Over St. James followed two men, both named Paul, both of whom would be played by the same actor: the first was a sixteenth-century French monk traveling the route from Wittenberg on the eve of the Protestant Reformation; the second was a contemporary-day pastor from a small American town who was beginning to question his own faith. Aside from a few minor characters, who would drift in and out of the two Pauls’ lives, his would be the only role.

就在那個(gè)關(guān)鍵的感恩節(jié)假期，基特（威廉跟他提過(guò)自己和裘德對(duì)圣雅各布之路的興趣）寄了一個(gè)劇本過(guò)來(lái)，附上的字條只寫著：“《圣雅各布藍(lán)調(diào)》！”雖然那劇本不太像《圣雅各布藍(lán)調(diào)》——感謝老天，他和裘德都同意，這劇本好太多了——不過(guò)設(shè)定的場(chǎng)景在圣雅各布之路，而且一部分是實(shí)時(shí)拍攝，起點(diǎn)在比利牛斯山區(qū)的圣讓皮耶德波爾，終點(diǎn)是加利西亞的首府圣地亞哥孔波斯特拉。這部名為《星光下的圣雅各布》的電影講述兩個(gè)男人的故事，他們都叫保羅，由同一個(gè)演員飾演：第一個(gè)保羅是16世紀(jì)的法蘭西隱修士，在宗教改革前夕從威登堡出發(fā)，走上這條朝圣之路；第二個(gè)保羅活在今天，是一個(gè)開始質(zhì)疑自己信仰的美國(guó)小城牧師。除了兩個(gè)保羅人生中偶爾穿插的幾個(gè)小角色之外，主角就是唯一的角色。

　 He gave Jude the script to read, and after he finished, Jude had sighed. “Brilliant,” he said, sadly. “I wish I could come on this with you, Willem.”

他把劇本給裘德閱讀?？赐曛?，裘德嘆氣?！疤珔柡α恕！彼卣f(shuō)，“威廉，真希望我可以跟你一起去?！?

　 “I wish you could, too,” he said, quietly. He wished Jude had easier dreams for himself, dreams he could accomplish, dreams Willem could help him accomplish. But Jude’s dreams were always about movement: they were about walking impossible distances or traversing impossible terrains. And although he could walk now, and although he felt less of it than Willem could remember him feeling for years, he would, they knew, never live a life without pain. The impossible would remain the impossible.

“我也希望?！彼吐曊f(shuō)。他真希望裘德有容易一點(diǎn)的夢(mèng)，是他自己可以達(dá)成，而威廉可以幫助他的。但裘德的夢(mèng)總是有關(guān)移動(dòng)：走不可能的長(zhǎng)距離，穿越不可能的地形。盡管他現(xiàn)在可以走路，盡管威廉覺得他的疼痛比記憶中多年來(lái)的要輕，但他們都知道，裘德的生活中永遠(yuǎn)都會(huì)有疼痛。不可能的事還是不可能。

　 He had dinner with the Spanish director, Emanuel, who was young but already highly acclaimed and who, despite the complexity and melancholy of his script, was buoyant and bright, and kept repeating his astonishment that he, Willem, was going to be in his film, that it was his dream to work with him. He, in turn, told Emanuel of Santiago Blues (Emanuel had laughed when Willem described the plot. “Not bad!” he said, and Willem had laughed, too. “It’s supposed to be bad!” he corrected Emanuel). He told him about how Jude had always wanted to walk this path; how humbled he was that he would get to do it for him.

他和這部電影的西班牙導(dǎo)演伊曼紐爾吃晚餐。伊曼紐爾很年輕，但已經(jīng)頗受贊譽(yù)，盡管他寫的劇本復(fù)雜而憂郁，他本人卻活潑開朗，一直說(shuō)他很驚訝威廉要演他的電影，說(shuō)他一直夢(mèng)想著要跟他合作。于是威廉也告訴伊曼紐爾《圣雅各布藍(lán)調(diào)》的事情（威廉描述劇情時(shí)，伊曼紐爾大笑?！安徊盥?！”他說(shuō)。威廉也大笑?！八緛?lái)應(yīng)該很差的！”他糾正伊曼紐爾）。他還告訴他，裘德一直想去走這條路；現(xiàn)在他很榮幸能有機(jī)會(huì)代他去走一趟。

　 “Ah,” Emanuel said, teasingly. “I think this is the man for whom you ruined your career, am I right?”

“啊，”伊曼紐爾取笑地說(shuō)，“我想，讓你不惜犧牲自己事業(yè)的就是這個(gè)人吧？”

　 He had smiled back. “Yes,” he said. “That’s him.”

他也微笑?！笆堑?。”他說(shuō)，“就是他。”

　 The days on The Stars Over St. James were very long and, as Jude had promised, there was lots of walking (and a caravan of slow-moving trailers instead of donkeys). The cell-phone reception was patchy in parts, and so he would instead write Jude messages, which seemed more appropriate anyway, more pilgrim-like, and in the morning, he sent him pictures of his breakfast (black bread with caraway seeds, yogurt, cucumbers) and of the stretch of road he would walk that day. Much of the road cut through busy towns, and so in places they were rerouted into the countryside. Each day, he chose a few white pebbles from the side of the road and put them in a jar to take home; at night, he sat in his hotel room with his feet wrapped in hot towels.

《星光下的圣雅各布》的拍攝時(shí)間很長(zhǎng)，而且一如裘德保證過(guò)的，要走很多路（另外有一列長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的拖車隊(duì)取代了驢子）。某些地方的手機(jī)信號(hào)不良，他就改發(fā)文字信息給裘德，感覺發(fā)消息似乎更適合，比較像朝圣客。每天早上，他會(huì)把早餐的照片（加葛縷子的黑面包、酸奶、小黃瓜）和這一天要走的路程發(fā)給他。這條路沿途經(jīng)過(guò)許多熱鬧的城鎮(zhèn)，所以有些地方他們會(huì)改道進(jìn)入鄉(xiāng)間。每一天，他都會(huì)從路邊撿幾塊小石頭，放在一個(gè)罐子里準(zhǔn)備帶回家；夜里，他坐在旅館房間，用熱毛巾熱敷雙腳。

　 They finished filming two weeks before Christmas, and he flew to London for meetings, and then back to Madrid to meet Jude, where they rented a car and drove south, through Andalusia. In a town on a cliff high above the sea they stopped to meet Asian Henry Young, whom they watched trudging uphill, waving at them with both arms when he saw them, and finishing the last hundred yards in a sprint. “Thank god you’re giving me an excuse to get the fuck out of that house,” he said. Henry had been living for the past month at an artists’ residency down the hill, in a valley filled with orange trees, but unusually for him, he hated the other six people at the colony, and as they ate dishes of orange rounds floating in a liqueur of their own juice and topped with cinnamon and pulverized cloves and almonds, they laughed at Henry’s stories about his fellow artists. Later, after telling him goodbye and that they’d see him next month in New York, they walked slowly together through the medieval town, whose every structure was a glittering white salt cube, and where striped cats lay in the streets and flicked the tips of their tails as people with wheel carts ground slowly around them.

他們?cè)谑フQ節(jié)前兩周結(jié)束拍攝。他先飛到倫敦開會(huì)，接著飛回馬德里和裘德會(huì)合，租一輛車往南開到安達(dá)盧西亞。他們開到一個(gè)位于海邊高崖上的小鎮(zhèn)，停下來(lái)跟約好的亞裔亨利·楊碰面。他們看著亨利·楊慢吞吞地往上坡爬，一看到他們就興奮地?fù)]動(dòng)雙臂，最后一百碼是用沖的。“感謝老天，你們讓我有借口離開那棟該死的房子?！彼f(shuō)。亨利過(guò)去那個(gè)月都住在坡下的一座藝術(shù)村，那個(gè)谷地種滿了柳橙樹，但他痛恨駐村的其他六個(gè)藝術(shù)家，這對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)很少見。他們吃著點(diǎn)心，柳橙香甜酒里浮著切成圓片的柳橙，上頭撒了肉桂、丁香粉和杏仁。亨利講起另外六個(gè)藝術(shù)家的故事，他們聽了大笑。最后道別時(shí)，他們跟亨利說(shuō)下個(gè)月在紐約見，然后兩人一起在那個(gè)中世紀(jì)小鎮(zhèn)散步，鎮(zhèn)上每一棟建筑都像發(fā)亮的白色鹽塊，幾只虎斑貓?zhí)稍隈R路上，偶爾有人推著推車緩緩經(jīng)過(guò)，那些貓的尾巴尖端就輕輕甩動(dòng)。

　 The next evening, outside Granada, Jude said he had a surprise for him, and they got into the car that was waiting for them in front of the restaurant, Jude with the brown envelope he’d kept by his side all through dinner.

次日晚上，在格拉納達(dá)市外，裘德說(shuō)他有個(gè)驚喜要給他。他們上了那輛等在餐廳門口的車，裘德帶著一個(gè)褐色信封袋，整頓晚餐都放在身旁。

　 “Where’re we going?” he asked. “What’s in the envelope?”

“我們要去哪里？”他問(wèn)，“那個(gè)信封里裝了什么？”

　 “You’ll see,” Jude said.

“等著看就知道了。”裘德說(shuō)。

　 Up and downhill they swooped, until the car stopped before the arched entryway to the Alhambra, where Jude handed the guard a letter, which the guard studied and then nodded at, and the car slid through the doorway and stopped and the two of them got out and stood there in the quiet courtyard.

他們的車子迅速開上坡又開下坡，最后停在阿爾罕布拉宮[6]的拱門入口前。裘德遞給警衛(wèi)一封信，警衛(wèi)仔細(xì)看了一下，點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，車子就開進(jìn)門停下來(lái)。他們兩個(gè)下了車，站在安靜的庭院里。

　 “Yours,” Jude said, shyly, nodding at the buildings and gardens below. “For the next three hours, anyway,” and then, when Willem couldn’t say anything, he continued, quietly, “Do you remember?”

“都是你的了。”裘德害羞地對(duì)著下方的建筑物和庭園說(shuō)，“總之是接下來(lái)的三個(gè)小時(shí)?！蓖f(shuō)不出話來(lái)。他又小聲地說(shuō)：“你還記得嗎？”