《渺小一生》:他本來以為里頭是個(gè)地牢

　 “You have a venereal disease,” the man said, “I can smell it on you,” and he cringed, and bent his head, and nodded.

“你有性病?！蹦悄腥苏f，“我聞得出來。”他覺得很難堪，低下臉，點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。

　 The man sighed. “Well,” he said, “you’re in luck, because I’m a doctor, and I happen to have some antibiotics in the house.” He got up and padded over to one of the cupboards, and came back with an orange plastic bottle, and took out a pill. “Take this,” he said, and he did. “Finish your milk,” the man said, and he did, and then the man left the room and he waited until he came back. “Well?” the man said. “Follow me.”

那男人嘆氣?！昂冒?。”他說，“你運(yùn)氣很好，因?yàn)槲沂轻t(yī)生，而且家里碰巧有抗生素。”他站起來走到一個(gè)碗櫥前，拿著一個(gè)橘色塑料瓶回來，取出一顆藥丸。“吃掉?！彼f，于是他吃了?！昂鹊裟愕呐Ｄ獭！蹦悄腥苏f，于是他喝了，之后那男人離開房間，他等著，那男人又折回來。“怎么了？”那男人說，“跟我來啊。”

　 He did, his legs stringy beneath him, and followed the man to a door across from the living room, which the man unlocked and held open for him. He hesitated, and the man made an impatient clucking noise. “Go on,” he said. “It’s a bedroom,” and he shut his eyes, weary, and then opened them again. He began preparing himself for the man to be cruel; the quiet ones always were.

他照辦，覺得雙腿虛弱，跟著那男人走到客廳另一頭的一扇門前，那男人打開鎖，拉開門等著。他猶豫了，那男人發(fā)出一個(gè)不耐煩的嘖聲?！斑M(jìn)去，”他說，“里頭是臥室?！彼＞氲亻]上眼睛又睜開。他有心理準(zhǔn)備這個(gè)男人會(huì)很殘酷；安靜的男人通常都很殘酷。

　 When he reached the doorway, he saw that it led to a basement, and there was a set of wooden steps, steep like a ladder, that he would have to descend, and he paused once more, wary, and the man made his strange insect-like sound again and shoved him, not hard, against the small of his back, and he stumbled down the stairs.

他走到門口，看到門通往地下室，有一道木頭階梯，陡得像梯子。他知道自己必須下去，他再度停下來，提防著。那男人又發(fā)出了那個(gè)像昆蟲叫的奇怪聲音，輕輕朝他后腰推了一下，于是他跌跌撞撞地下樓了。

　 He had been expecting a dungeon, slippery and leaking and dank, but it really was a bedroom, with a mattress made up with a blanket and sheets, and a blue circular rug beneath it, and lining the left-hand wall, bookcases of the same unfinished wood the staircase had been made from, with books on them. The space was bright-lit in that aggressive, relentless way he remembered from hospitals and police stations, and there was a small window, about the size of a dictionary, cut high into the far wall.

他本來以為里頭是個(gè)地牢，滑溜、漏水、陰暗潮濕，但結(jié)果里頭真的是臥室，有毯子和床單鋪成的床，底下鋪著一條藍(lán)色的圓形地毯。左手邊的墻壁上有一排書柜，跟樓梯一樣以沒上亮光漆的木板制成，上頭放著書。整個(gè)空間燈光很亮，是他記憶中醫(yī)院和警察局那種具有侵略性、無情的亮法。另外還有一盞小窗子，大小跟一本字典差不多，在另一頭墻上的高處。

　 “I put out some clothes for you,” the man said, and he saw that folded on the mattress was a shirt and a pair of sweatpants, and a towel and toothbrush as well. “The bathroom’s there,” the man said, pointing to the far right-hand corner of the room.

“我?guī)湍銣?zhǔn)備了一些衣服?！蹦悄凶诱f。他看到床上有折好的一件襯衫和一條運(yùn)動(dòng)褲，還有一條毛巾和一把牙刷?！霸∈以谀抢??！蹦悄腥苏f，指著房間右手邊的角落。

　 And then he began to leave. “Wait,” he called after the man, and the man stopped his climb and looked at him, and he began, under the man’s gaze, to unbutton his shirt. Something changed in the man’s face, then, and he climbed another few steps. “You’re sick,” he said. “You have to get better first,” and then he left the room, the door clicking shut after him.

那男子轉(zhuǎn)身要離開。“等一下。”他在那男子后頭叫道，那男人爬樓梯爬到一半停下來看著他。他在那男子的注視下，開始解開襯衫扣子。那男人的臉色變了，又爬了幾階。“你生病了，”他說，“你得先養(yǎng)好病?！比缓笞叱龇块g，把門關(guān)上。

　 He slept that night, both from lack of anything else to do and from exhaustion. The next morning he woke and smelled food, and he groaned to his feet and walked slowly up the stairs, where he found a plastic tray with a plate of eggs, poached, and two lengths of bacon, a roll, a glass of milk, a banana, and another of the white pills. He was too wobbly to bring it down without falling, so he sat there, on one of the unfinished wooden steps, and ate the food and swallowed the pill. After resting, he stood to open the door and take the tray to the kitchen, but the knob wouldn’t turn because the door was locked. There was a small square cut into the bottom of the door, a cat door, he assumed, although he hadn’t seen a cat, and he held back its curtain of rubber and poked his head out. “Hello?” he called. He realized he didn’t know the man’s name, which wasn’t unusual—he never knew their names. “Sir? Hello?” But there was no answer, and he could tell from the way the house was silent that he was alone.

那天晚上他睡了，因?yàn)闆]有其他事可做，而且他累壞了。次日早晨醒來，他聞到食物的氣味，呻吟著站起來，慢吞吞地爬上樓梯，在樓梯頂端發(fā)現(xiàn)一個(gè)塑料托盤，里面放著一盤水蒸蛋、兩條培根、一個(gè)面包卷、一杯牛奶、一根香蕉，外加一顆白色藥丸。他整個(gè)人搖晃不穩(wěn)，沒辦法把食物端下樓，于是就坐在那道沒上亮光漆的木板階梯上吃掉那些食物，吞下那顆藥丸。他歇了一會(huì)兒，站起來要開門把托盤送回廚房，但門把轉(zhuǎn)不動(dòng)，鎖上了。門的底部開了一個(gè)小方窗，他猜想是貓洞，不過他沒在這屋里看到貓，于是他把小洞上的橡膠蓋揭起，頭探出去?！肮D？”他喊道。這時(shí)他才想到自己還不知道那男子的名字，這也不稀奇，他從來不知道顧客的名字?！跋壬抗D？”沒有人響應(yīng)，整棟房子一片安靜，他感覺只有他一個(gè)人。

　 He should have felt panic, he should have felt fear, but he felt neither, only a crush of tiredness, and he left the tray at the top of the stairs and worked his way slowly down again, and then into bed, where he slept once more.

他應(yīng)該覺得恐慌，應(yīng)該覺得害怕，但他沒有，只有一種徹骨的疲倦，于是他把托盤留在樓梯頂端，緩緩下樓，上了床繼續(xù)睡。

　 He dozed for that entire day, and when he woke, the man was standing above him again, watching him, and he sat up, abruptly. “Dinner,” the man said, and he followed him upstairs, still in his borrowed clothes, which were too wide in the waist and too short in the sleeves and legs, because when he had looked for his own clothes, they were missing. My money, he thought, but he was too addled to think beyond that.

他睡了一整個(gè)白天，醒來時(shí)，那個(gè)男子又站在他上方看他，他猛然坐起身?！俺酝聿土??！蹦悄凶诱f。他跟著他上樓，仍穿著借來的衣服，腰部太寬，袖子和褲腿都太短。稍早他想找自己的衣服，發(fā)現(xiàn)都不見了。我的錢，他心想，但他的腦袋太昏亂，沒法想得更遠(yuǎn)。

　 Once again he sat in the brown kitchen, and the man brought him his pill, and a plate with brown meat loaf, and a slop of mashed potatoes, and broccoli, and another plate for himself, and they began to eat in silence. Silence didn’t make him nervous—usually, he was grateful for it—but this man’s silence was closer to inwardness, the way a cat will be silent and watching, watching, watching so fixedly that you don’t know what it sees, and then suddenly it will jump, and trap something beneath its paw.

他又坐在褐色的廚房里。那男人拿了一顆藥給他，還有裝了褐色肉餡糕、土豆泥及西蘭花的盤子，另外一個(gè)盤子是那男子自己的，兩個(gè)人開始沉默地吃了起來。沉默不會(huì)令他緊張，通常他還會(huì)很慶幸，但這個(gè)人的沉默卻是更本質(zhì)的，就像一只貓沉默地觀察、觀察、觀察，目不轉(zhuǎn)睛地看著，搞得你不知道它看到了什么，接著它忽然間跳起來，爪子底下抓住了獵物。

　 “What kind of doctor are you?” he asked, tentatively, and the man looked at him.

“你是哪一科的醫(yī)生？”他小心翼翼地問，那男子抬頭看著他。

　 “A psychiatrist,” the doctor said. “Do you know what that is?”

“精神科醫(yī)生。”那醫(yī)生說，“你知道這個(gè)詞是什么意思嗎？”

　 “Yes,” he said.

“知道?！彼f。

　 The man made his noise again. “Do you like being a prostitute?” he asked, and he felt, unaccountably, tears in his eyes, but then he blinked and they were gone.

那男人又發(fā)出那個(gè)聲音。“你喜歡當(dāng)男妓嗎？”男人問。他忽然莫名其妙地覺得眼睛上浮了一層淚，但他眨眨眼，眼淚就沒了。

　 “No,” he said.

“不喜歡?！彼f。

　 “Then why do you do it?” the man asked, and he shook his head. “Speak,” the man said.

“那你為什么要做？”那男人問。他搖搖頭?！罢f話?！蹦悄腥苏f。

　 “I don’t know,” he said, and the man made a huffing noise. “It’s what I know how to do,” he said at last.

“不知道?！彼f。那男人發(fā)出一個(gè)吐氣的聲音。“因?yàn)槲叶迷趺醋?。”最后他說。

　 “Are you good at it?” the man asked, and once again, he felt that sting, and he was quiet for a long time.

“那你很擅長嗎？”那男人問。再一次，他又覺得眼睛刺痛，沉默了好久。

　 “Yes,” he said, and it was the worst admission he had ever made, the hardest word for him to say.

“是的。”他說。這是他這輩子承認(rèn)過最糟糕的事情，是他講過最困難的一個(gè)字眼。