《渺小一生》:“如果兩個我都不愿意呢？”

　 There’s a very long silence, until Andy says, “I don’t think so, Willem. Or rather: I don’t think there’s anything chemically wrong with him. I think his craziness is all man-made.” He is silent. “Make him talk to you, Willem,” he says. “If he talks to you, I think you’ll—I think you’ll understand why he is the way he is.” And suddenly, he needs to get home, and he is dressing and hurrying out the door, hailing a cab and getting into it, getting out and getting into the elevator, opening the door and letting himself into the apartment, which is silent, disconcertingly silent. On the way over, he had a sudden image, one that felt like a premonition, that Jude had died, that he had killed himself, and he runs through the apartment shouting his name.

安迪沉默了很久，最后才說：“我不認(rèn)為，威廉?；蛘邞?yīng)該說，我不認(rèn)為他有任何機(jī)能上的問題。我想他的瘋狂完全是人為的?！彼聊?。“設(shè)法讓他跟你談吧，威廉?！彼f，“如果他跟你談，我想你會——我認(rèn)為你會了解為什么他是這個樣子?！睊炝穗娫捄?，忽然間，他覺得必須回家，于是換好衣服又匆忙出門，招了一輛出租車坐上去，到家下了車沖進(jìn)電梯，然后用鑰匙開了門進(jìn)入公寓。里頭一片安靜，令人不安的那種安靜。趕來的路上，他腦中忽然冒出一個畫面，一種不祥的預(yù)感。畫面里，裘德死了，自殺了，于是他在公寓里奔跑，喊著裘德的名字。

　 “Willem?” he hears, and he runs through their bedroom, with their bed still made, and then sees Jude in the far left corner of their closet, curled up on the ground, facing the wall. But he doesn’t think about why he’s there, he just drops to the floor next to him. He doesn’t know if he has permission to touch him, but he does so anyway, wrapping his arms around him. “I’m sorry,” he says to the back of Jude’s head. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said—I would be distraught if you hurt yourself. I am distraught.” He exhales. “And I never, ever should have gotten physical with you. Jude, I’m so sorry.”

“威廉？”他聽到后，跑進(jìn)他們的臥室，里頭的床還鋪得好好的，他看到裘德縮在衣柜間另一頭的角落，蜷縮在地上，面對著墻壁。他沒去想他為什么在那兒，只是沖過去跪在他旁邊。他不知道裘德是否愿意讓他碰觸，他不管了，用雙手抱住他?！皩Σ黄?，”他對著裘德的后腦勺說，“我好抱歉，我好抱歉。我說那些都不是真心的——我看到你傷害自己太難過了。我現(xiàn)在就很難過?！彼鲁鲆豢跉?，“而且我再怎么樣都不該對你動手的。裘德，真的很對不起?！?

　 “I’m sorry, too,” Jude whispers, and they are silent. “I’m sorry about what I said. I’m sorry I lied to you, Willem.”

“我也很抱歉?！濒玫螺p聲說，兩人沉默了?！昂鼙肝艺f了那些話。很抱歉我跟你撒謊，威廉?！?

　 They are quiet for a long time. “Do you remember the time you told me you were afraid that you were a series of nasty surprises for me?” he asks him, and Jude nods, slightly. “You aren’t,” he tells him. “You aren’t. But being with you is like being in this fantastic landscape,” he continues, slowly. “You think it’s one thing, a forest, and then suddenly it changes, and it’s a meadow, or a jungle, or cliffs of ice. And they’re all beautiful, but they’re strange as well, and you don’t have a map, and you don’t understand how you got from one terrain to the next so abruptly, and you don’t know when the next transition will arrive, and you don’t have any of the equipment you need. And so you keep walking through, and trying to adjust as you go, but you don’t really know what you’re doing, and often you make mistakes, bad mistakes. That’s sometimes what it feels like.”

他們沉默了許久。“你還記得那回你跟我說，你擔(dān)心對我來說，你是一連串不愉快的驚訝嗎？”他問他。裘德輕輕點(diǎn)了頭?！澳悴皇牵彼嬖V他，“你不是。但是跟你在一起，就像處在一個奇幻的風(fēng)景里?！彼^續(xù)緩緩地說，“你以為這是一片森林，然后忽然間變了，變成一片草原，或叢林，或一片冰崖。這些風(fēng)景都很美，但也很陌生。你沒有地圖，也不明白為什么會突然間就從這塊地轉(zhuǎn)到了下一個，而且你不知道什么時候會發(fā)生下一次轉(zhuǎn)變，你也沒有任何所需的設(shè)備可以應(yīng)付。你只能繼續(xù)走，設(shè)法邊走邊調(diào)整，但你其實(shí)不明白你在做什么，還常常會犯錯，犯很可怕的錯。有時我的感覺就是這樣。”

　 They’re silent. “So basically,” Jude says at last, “basically, you’re saying I’m New Zealand.”

他們兩個人沉默了一會兒。“所以基本上，”裘德最后終于說，“基本上，你的意思是我是新西蘭。”

　 It takes him a second to realize Jude is joking, and when he does he begins to laugh, unhingedly, with relief and sorrow, and he turns Jude toward him and kisses him. “Yes,” he says. “Yes, you’re New Zealand.”

他花了一秒鐘才明白裘德在開玩笑，然后開始錯亂地大笑，放心又哀傷。這時他把裘德轉(zhuǎn)過來吻他?！皼]錯，”他說，“沒錯，你是新西蘭?！?

　 Then they are quiet again, and serious, but at least they are looking at each other.

之后他們又沉默了，而且都很嚴(yán)肅，好不容易他們才看著彼此。

　 “Are you going to leave?” Jude asks, so quietly that Willem can barely hear him.

“你要離開我嗎？”裘德問，小聲得幾乎聽不到。

　 He opens his mouth; shuts it. Oddly, even with everything he has thought and not thought over the last day and night, he has not considered leaving, and now he thinks about it. “No,” he says. And then, “I don’t think so,” and he watches Jude shut his eyes and then open them, and nod. “Jude,” he says, and the words come to his mouth as he says them, and as he speaks, he knows he is doing the right thing, “I do think you need help—help I don’t know how to give you.” He takes a breath. “I either want you to voluntarily commit yourself, or I want you to start seeing Dr. Loehmann twice a week.” He watches Jude for a long time; he can’t tell what he’s thinking.

他張開嘴，又閉上。奇怪的是，過去這一天一夜，有那么多想過又沒想過的事情，但是他從沒考慮要離開裘德，現(xiàn)在他想到這個可能性。“不，”他說，“我不這么認(rèn)為?！比缓笏粗玫麻]上眼睛，又睜開點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭?！棒玫拢彼f，不自覺地就說了出來，說的時候，他覺得這么做是正確的，“我的確覺得你需要專業(yè)幫助——那是我沒有辦法給你的?！彼丝跉?，“我希望你能自愿去醫(yī)院的精神科住院，否則我希望你每星期去婁曼醫(yī)生那兩次?！彼粗玫潞镁?，看不出他在想什么。

　 “And what if I don’t want to do either?” Jude asks. “Are you going to leave?”

“如果兩個我都不愿意呢？”裘德問，“你就要離開嗎？”

　 He shakes his head. “Jude, I love you,” he says. “But I can’t—I can’t condone this kind of behavior. I won’t be able to stick around and watch you do this to yourself if I thought you’d interpret my presence as some sort of tacit approval. So. Yes. I guess I would.”

他搖搖頭?！棒玫?，我愛你，”他說，“但是我沒辦法——我沒辦法容忍這樣的行為。我沒辦法待在你身邊，看著你對自己做出這樣的事，因?yàn)槲矣X得你會以為我是在默許這樣的行為。所以，沒錯，我想我會離開。”

　 Again they are quiet, and Jude turns over and lies on his back. “If I tell you what happened to me,” he begins, falteringly, “if I tell you everything I can’t discuss—if I tell you, Willem, do I still have to go?”

他們又沉默了一會兒，然后裘德轉(zhuǎn)身，仰天躺著?！叭绻腋嬖V你以前發(fā)生在我身上的事，”他時斷時續(xù)地說，“如果我告訴你一切我沒辦法討論的事——威廉，如果我告訴你了，那我還得去醫(yī)院或看精神科醫(yī)生嗎？”

　 He looks at him, shakes his head again. “Oh, Jude,” he says. “Yes. Yes, you still have to. But I hope you’ll tell me anyway, I really do. Whatever it is; whatever it is.”

他看著他，再度搖頭?！鞍?，裘德，”他說，“是的，你還是得去。但是我希望你無論如何會告訴我，真的。無論是什么事情，無論有多糟?！?

　 They are quiet once more, and this time, their quiet turns to sleep, and the two of them fit into each other and sleep and sleep until Willem hears Jude’s voice speaking to him, and then he wakes, and he listens as Jude talks. It will take hours, because Jude is sometimes unable to continue, and Willem will wait and hold him so tightly that Jude won’t be able to breathe. Twice he will try to wrench himself away, and Willem will pin him to the ground and hold him there until he calms himself. Because they are in the closet, they won’t know what time it is, only that there has been a day that has arrived and departed, because they will have seen flat carpets of sun unroll themselves into the closet’s doorways from the bedroom, from the bathroom. He will listen to stories that are unimaginable, that are abominable; he will excuse himself, three times, to go to the bathroom and study his face in the mirror and remind himself that he has only to find the courage to listen, although he will want to cover his ears and cover Jude’s mouth to make the stories cease. He will study the back of Jude’s head, because Jude can’t face him, and imagine the person he thinks he knows collapsing into rubble, clouds of dust gusting around him, as nearby, teams of artisans try to rebuild him in another material, in another shape, as a different person than the person who had stood for years and years. On and on and on the stories will go, and in their path will lie squalor: blood and bones and dirt and disease and misery. After Jude has finished telling him about his time with Brother Luke, Willem will ask him, again, if he enjoys having sex at all, even a little, even occasionally, and he will wait the many long minutes until Jude says he doesn’t, that he hates it, that he always has, and he will nod, devastated, but relieved to have the real answer. And then he will ask him, not even knowing where the question has been hiding, if he’s even attracted to men, and Jude will tell him, after a silence, that he’s not certain, that he had always had sex with men, and so assumed he always would. “Are you interested in having sex with women?” he’ll ask him, and he’ll watch as, after another long silence, Jude shakes his head. “No,” he’ll say. “It’s too late for me, Willem,” and he will tell him it’s not, that there are things they can do to help him, but Jude will shake his head again. “No,” he’ll say. “No, Willem, I’ve had enough. No more,” and he will realize, as if slapped, the truth of this, and will stop. They will sleep again, and this time, his dreams will be terrible. He will dream he is one of the men in the motel rooms, he will realize that he has behaved like one of them; he will wake with nightmares, and it will be Jude who has to calm him. Finally they will heave themselves from the floor—it will be Saturday afternoon, and they will have been lying in the closet since Thursday night—and shower and eat something, something hot and comforting, and then they will go directly from the kitchen into the study, where he will listen as Jude leaves a message for Dr. Loehmann, whose card Willem has kept in his wallet all these years and produces, magician-like, within seconds, and from there to bed, and they will lie there, looking at each other, each afraid to ask the other: he to ask Jude to finish his story; Jude to ask him when he is leaving, because his leaving now seems an inevitability, a matter of logistics.

他們再度沉默。這一回，他們的沉默轉(zhuǎn)為睡眠，兩個人緊挨著睡了又睡，直到威廉聽見裘德的聲音在跟他講話，他醒過來，認(rèn)真聽裘德說。接下來，持續(xù)了好幾小時，因?yàn)橛袝r裘德說不下去，威廉會等待，緊擁著他，緊得裘德都沒法呼吸了。裘德兩度試著掙脫開，但威廉按住他，牢牢抱著，直到他安靜下來。他們在衣柜間，不知道是幾點(diǎn)，只知道白天來了又去，因?yàn)樗麄兛吹揭恍K陽光從臥室和浴室逐漸展開，延伸到衣柜間門內(nèi)。他聽著那些故事，無法想象，令人發(fā)指；中間他暫時離開過三次，去浴室審視鏡中自己的臉，提醒自己只能鼓起勇氣聽下去，盡管他好想捂住耳朵，捂住裘德的嘴巴，讓那些故事停止。他會看著裘德的后腦（因?yàn)轸玫聼o法面對他），想象他自以為了解的那個人倒在碎石路上，周圍環(huán)繞著一縷縷煙塵，同時在附近，一批批工匠試著重建他，用另一種材料，做成另一種形狀，成為另一個人，而不是原先那個獨(dú)自站立多年的人。那些故事持續(xù)又持續(xù)，沿途有種種骯臟：血、骨頭、塵土、疾病、悲慘。裘德講完他和盧克修士共度的時期之后，威廉再一次問他，他到底是否享受性愛，即使只是一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)，即使只是偶爾。他等了好多分鐘，直到裘德說不，他痛恨性交，向來如此。他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，很震驚，但同時因?yàn)榈玫秸嬲拇鸢付帕诵?。然后，不知道這個問題是從哪里冒出來的，他問裘德是否喜歡男人。裘德沉默了一會兒說，他不確定，說他向來都是跟男人性交，所以他認(rèn)為以后也會是如此?！澳阌信d趣和女人性交嗎？”他問他。好久的靜默過后，他看到裘德?lián)u搖頭?！安?，”他說，“對我來說太遲了，威廉?！彼嬖V他不會太遲，說有很多方法可以幫助他，但裘德再度搖搖頭?！安唬彼f，“不，威廉，我受夠了。再也不要了?！彼腥淮笪?，像是臉上挨了一記耳光，知道裘德說得沒錯，于是便不再提起。他們又睡著了，這回他做了可怕的夢。他夢到自己是汽車旅館里的那些男人之一，明白自己的行為就跟他們一樣；他在夢魘中驚醒，換成裘德安撫他。最后，他們從地板上起身去沖澡，吃點(diǎn)撫慰的熱食，時間已經(jīng)是星期六下午，他們從星期四晚上就躺在衣柜間里。接下來他們從廚房進(jìn)入書房，他聽著裘德打電話留言給婁曼醫(yī)生（這些年來，威廉的皮夾里一直放著婁曼醫(yī)生的名片，幾秒鐘內(nèi)就可以拿出來，像變魔術(shù)一樣）。然后他們回到臥室，躺在床上，看著彼此，很怕問對方：他很怕問裘德接下來的故事；裘德則懼怕問他什么時候要離開，因?yàn)楝F(xiàn)在他的離開似乎是無可避免、很合邏輯的事情了。

　 On and on they stare, until Jude’s face becomes almost meaningless as a face to him: it is a series of colors, of planes, of shapes that have been arranged in such a way to give other people pleasure, but to give its owner nothing. He doesn’t know what he is going to do. He is dizzy with what he has heard, with comprehending the enormity of his misconceptions, with stretching his understanding past what is imaginable, with the knowledge that all of his carefully maintained edifices are now destroyed beyond repair.

他們一直凝視著對方，直到裘德的臉對他來說幾乎不像臉，而是一連串色彩、平面、形狀組合而成的，給他人帶來愉悅，卻沒帶給主人任何好處。他不知道自己要怎么做。他頭昏眼花，因?yàn)橹奥牭降哪切?，因?yàn)榱私獾阶约旱恼`解有多嚴(yán)重，因?yàn)樗弑M全力去理解種種無法想象的事，也因?yàn)橹浪⌒囊硪砭S持的種種假象，現(xiàn)在被完全摧毀了。

　 But for now, they are in their bed, in their room, in their apartment, and he reaches over and takes Jude’s hand, holds it gently in his own.

但眼前，他們在床上，在他們的房間，在他們的公寓里，他伸手牽起裘德的手，輕柔握在手里。

　 “You’ve told me about how you got to Montana,” he hears himself saying. “So tell me: What happened next?”

“你跟我說了你是怎么到蒙大拿州的?！彼牭阶约赫f，“那么告訴我：接下來呢？”

　 It was a time he rarely thought about, his flight to Philadelphia, because it was a period in which he had been so afloat from himself that even as he had lived his life, it had felt dreamlike and not quite real; there had been times in those weeks when he had opened his eyes and was genuinely unable to discern whether what had just happened had actually happened, or whether he had imagined it. It had been a useful skill, this persistent and unshatterable somnambulism, and it had protected him, but then that ability, like his ability to forget, had abandoned him as well and he was never to acquire it again.

去到費(fèi)城的那段時光他很少想起，那段期間他總是脫離自己在神游，實(shí)際的生活也像是做夢一般，不太真實(shí)；那幾個星期里，有幾度他睜開眼睛，真的無法搞清剛剛發(fā)生過的事情是真的發(fā)生過，還是他自己想象出來的。這種堅(jiān)持且不可摧毀的夢游癥狀態(tài)是一種很有用的技巧，它曾經(jīng)保護(hù)了他，但后來，這種能力就像他遺忘的能力一樣，都棄他而去，再也找不回來了。

　 He had first noticed this suspension at the home. At nights, he would sometimes be awakened by one of the counselors, and he would follow them down to the office where one of them was always on duty, and he would do whatever they wanted. After they were done, he would be escorted back to his room—a small space with a bunk bed that he shared with a mentally disabled boy, slow and fat and frightened-looking and prone to rages, whom he knew the counselors also sometimes took with them at night—and locked in again. There were a few of them the counselors used, but aside from his roommate, he didn’t know who the other boys were, only that they existed. He was nearly mute in those sessions, and as he knelt or squatted or lay, he thought of a round clock face, its second hand gliding impassively around it, counting the revolutions until it ended. But he never begged, he never pled. He never bargained or made promises or cried. He didn’t have the energy; he didn’t have the conviction—not any longer, not anymore.

他頭一次注意到這種脫離自己的神游狀態(tài)，是在少年之家。夜里，他有時會被某一位輔導(dǎo)員叫醒，跟著走到總有一名輔導(dǎo)員值班的辦公室，然后他會做他們要他做的任何事。做完之后，他又會被送回自己的房間，被關(guān)在里頭。那是一個小小的空間，有一張雙層床，室友是一個智力不足的少年，遲緩而肥胖，一臉恐懼，而且很容易發(fā)脾氣，他知道輔導(dǎo)員們夜里有時也會帶走他。他們有少數(shù)幾個人是輔導(dǎo)員會利用的，但除了他的室友之外，他不知道還有誰，只知道他們存在。這些待在辦公室的夜間時刻，他幾乎沉默無聲，當(dāng)他跪下、蹲下或躺下時，他會想著一個圓圓的鐘面，上頭的秒針無動于衷地轉(zhuǎn)著圈，他數(shù)著轉(zhuǎn)了幾圈，直到完事。但他從不低聲下氣，從不乞求，也從不討價還價、保證或哭泣。他沒有那個力氣，沒有那個信心——再也沒有，再也不會了。

　 It was a few months after his weekend with the Learys that he tried to run away. He had classes at the community college on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on those days, one of the counselors would wait for him in the parking lot and drive him back to the home. He dreaded the end of classes, he dreaded the ride home: he never knew which counselor would be waiting for him, and when he reached the parking lot and saw who it was, his footsteps would sometimes slow, but it was as if he was a magnet, something controlled by ions, not will, and into the car he would be drawn.

跟黎瑞夫婦共度周末的幾個月后，他試著逃跑。他星期一、二、三、五會去社區(qū)大學(xué)上課，這幾天，就會有一位輔導(dǎo)員在停車場等他，開車送他回去。他很怕課上完，很怕開車回去的路程。他從不知道來接他的會是哪個輔導(dǎo)員，當(dāng)他來到停車場，看到是誰，有時步伐就會慢下來。然而他就像是磁鐵，被離子所控制，沒有意志，最后總會被吸進(jìn)車子里。