《渺小一生》:他很依賴盧克：依賴他的食物

　 He blinked, surprised. He wasn’t sure what the question was going to be, but now that it had come, he was relieved. He rarely thought of the scar these days, and now he looked at it, its taffeta gleam, and as he ran his fingertips across it, he thought of how this scar led to so many other problems, and then to Brother Luke, and then to the home, and to Philadelphia, to all of it.

他眨眨眼，很驚訝。他不確定這個(gè)問(wèn)題會(huì)走向哪里，但既然已經(jīng)提出了，他反而松了一口氣。他最近很少想到這個(gè)疤，現(xiàn)在他看著它，那塔夫綢般的光澤。他用指尖輕輕撫過(guò)，想著這個(gè)疤會(huì)如何引出其他問(wèn)題。然后他想到盧克修士，想到少年之家，想到費(fèi)城，想到過(guò)往的一切。

　 But what in life wasn’t connected to some greater, sadder story? All Willem was asking for was this one story; he didn’t need to drag everything else behind it, a huge ugly snarl of difficulties.

但人生里，哪件事不會(huì)牽涉出其他更大、更哀傷的故事呢？威廉問(wèn)的就是這個(gè)故事：他不必把背后的一切全扯出來(lái)，扯出那一大團(tuán)巨大而丑陋、由種種難題糾結(jié)在一起的混亂。

　 He thought about how he could start, and plotted what he’d say in his head before he opened his mouth. Finally, he was ready. “I was always a greedy kid,” he began, and across the table, he watched Willem lean forward on his elbows, as for the first time in their friendship, he was the listener, and he was being told a story.

他想著要怎么開(kāi)始，開(kāi)口前把要講的先在腦袋里規(guī)劃好。終于，他準(zhǔn)備好了。“小時(shí)候我向來(lái)很貪心，”他說(shuō)。隔著桌子，他看到威廉撐著手肘，身體前傾，在他們多年的友誼中，這是威廉第一次成為傾聽(tīng)者，要聽(tīng)他說(shuō)出一個(gè)故事。

　 He was ten, he was eleven. His hair grew long again, longer even than it had been at the monastery. He grew taller, and Brother Luke took him to a thrift store, where you could buy a sack of clothes and pay by the pound. “Slow down!” Brother Luke would joke with him, pushing down on the top of his head as if he were squashing him back to a smaller size. “You’re growing up too fast for me!”

他10歲，他11歲。他的頭發(fā)又長(zhǎng)了，比在修道院時(shí)還長(zhǎng)。他長(zhǎng)高了，盧克修士帶他到一家二手商店，稱重量買了一大袋衣服?！奥稽c(diǎn)！”盧克修士會(huì)跟他開(kāi)玩笑，按著他的頭頂，好像要把他按小一點(diǎn)，“你長(zhǎng)太快了！”

　 He slept all the time now. In his lessons, he was awake, but as the day turned to late afternoon, he would feel something descend upon him, and would begin yawning, unable to keep his eyes open. At first Brother Luke joked about this as well—“My sleepyhead,” he said, “my dreamer”—but one night, he sat down with him after the client had left. For months, years, he had struggled with the clients, more out of reflex than because he thought he was capable of making them stop, but recently, he had begun to simply lie there, inert, waiting for whatever was going to happen to be over. “I know you’re tired,” Brother Luke had said. “It’s normal; you’re growing. It’s tiring work, growing. And I know you work hard. But Jude, when you’re with your clients, you have to show a little life; they’re paying to be with you, you know—you have to show them you’re enjoying it.” When he said nothing, the brother added, “Of course, I know it’s not enjoyable for you, not the way it is with just us, but you have to show a little energy, all right?” He leaned over, tucked his hair behind his ear. “All right?” He nodded.

現(xiàn)在他總是在睡覺(jué)。上課時(shí)，他醒著，但到了傍晚，他就覺(jué)得有個(gè)什么降臨到他身上，他會(huì)開(kāi)始打呵欠，睜不開(kāi)眼睛。一開(kāi)始，盧克修士也把這件事拿來(lái)開(kāi)玩笑?！拔业念x(chóng)，”他說(shuō)，“我的夢(mèng)想家?！钡怯幸灰梗櫩妥吡酥?，盧克修士陪著他坐下來(lái)。有好幾個(gè)月，甚至超過(guò)兩年，他一直反抗顧客，大部分是出于本能反應(yīng)，而不是以為可以讓他們停下來(lái)。但最近，他開(kāi)始只是躺在那里，一動(dòng)也不動(dòng)，等著發(fā)生的事情趕緊結(jié)束?！拔抑滥愫芾?，”盧克修士說(shuō)，“這很正常，你正在長(zhǎng)大。長(zhǎng)大很辛苦、很累人。而且我知道你很努力工作。但裘德，你跟顧客在一起的時(shí)候，就得表現(xiàn)得有點(diǎn)精神；他們花錢是為了跟你在一起，你知道——你得讓他們看到你也很享受?！彼裁炊疾徽f(shuō)。修士又說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然了，我知道這對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)并不愉快，不像我們兩個(gè)在一起那樣，但是你得表現(xiàn)出一點(diǎn)活力，好嗎？”修士湊過(guò)來(lái)，把他的頭發(fā)塞到耳后?！昂脝?？”他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。

　 It was also around then that he began throwing himself into walls. The motel they were staying in—this was in Washington—had a second floor, and once he had gone upstairs to refill their bucket of ice. It had been a wet, slippery day, and as he was walking back, he had tripped and fallen, bouncing the entire way downstairs. Brother Luke had heard the noise his fall made and had run out. Nothing had been broken, but he had been scraped and was bleeding, and Brother Luke had canceled the appointment he had for that evening. That night, the brother had been careful with him, and had brought him tea, but he had felt more alive than he had in weeks. Something about the fall, the freshness of the pain, had been restorative. It was honest pain, clean pain, a pain without shame or filth, and it was a different sensation than he had felt in years. The next week, he went to get ice again, but this time, on his way back to the room, he stopped in the little triangle of space beneath the stairwell, and before he was conscious of what he was doing, he was tossing himself against the brick wall, and as he did so, he imagined he was knocking out of himself every piece of dirt, every trace of liquid, every memory of the past few years. He was resetting himself; he was returning himself to something pure; he was punishing himself for what he had done. After that, he felt better, energized, as if he had run a very long race and then had vomited, and he had been able to return to the room.

也大約在這陣子，他開(kāi)始撞墻。他們當(dāng)時(shí)住的那家汽車旅館（在華盛頓州）有兩層，有回他拿著冰桶上樓去拿冰塊。那天下雨，到處又濕又滑，他下樓時(shí)絆了一下摔倒了，一路摔到樓下。盧克修士聽(tīng)到聲音趕緊沖出來(lái)。他沒(méi)骨折，但是有擦傷和流血，盧克修士就取消了當(dāng)天晚上的預(yù)約。那天晚上，修士對(duì)他小心翼翼，還幫他端茶，他覺(jué)得自己有好幾個(gè)星期沒(méi)這么有活力了。那回跌倒和疼痛的新鮮感有種恢復(fù)健康的功效。那是誠(chéng)實(shí)的痛、干凈的痛，沒(méi)有羞恥和污穢，他已經(jīng)好幾年沒(méi)有這樣的感覺(jué)了。下個(gè)星期，他又去拿冰塊，但這回，他下樓回房途中，在樓梯下方的小三角空間停下，還沒(méi)意識(shí)到自己在做什么，就整個(gè)人朝磚墻撞過(guò)去，而且一邊想象著把身上的每粒塵土、每滴液體、過(guò)去幾年的每段記憶都撞出來(lái)。他要重新設(shè)定自己；他要讓自己回到某種純凈的狀態(tài)；他要為自己所做的事懲罰自己。之后，他好過(guò)多了，有精神多了，好像長(zhǎng)途賽跑后那樣嘔吐了，這才有辦法回到房間。

　 Eventually, however, Brother Luke realized what he was doing, and there had been another talk. “I understand you get frustrated,” Brother Luke said, “but Jude, what you’re doing isn’t good for you. I’m worried about you. And the clients don’t like seeing you all bruised.” They were silent. A month ago, after a very bad night—there had been a group of men, and after they had left, he had sobbed, wailed, coming as close to a tantrum as he had in years, while Luke sat next to him and rubbed his sore stomach and held a pillow over his mouth to muffle the sound—he had begged Luke to let him stop. And the brother had cried and said he would, that there was nothing more he’d like than for it to be just the two of them, but he had long ago spent all his money taking care of him. “I don’t regret it for an instant, Jude,” said the brother, “but we don’t have any money now. You’re all I’ve got. I’m so sorry. But I’m really saving now; eventually, you’ll be able to stop, I promise.”

但最后，盧克修士明白了他在做什么，找他談話。“我知道你很失望，”盧克修士說(shuō)，“但是裘德，你做這些事對(duì)你沒(méi)有好處。我很擔(dān)心你。顧客也不喜歡看到你全身都是瘀青。”他們沉默了一會(huì)兒。一個(gè)月前，遇到一個(gè)非常糟的夜晚，一群男人離開(kāi)后，他又啜泣又哭號(hào)，多年來(lái)第一次近似亂發(fā)脾氣。盧克坐在他旁邊，一直揉著他發(fā)痛的肚子，還用枕頭捂住他的嘴好悶住聲音。他求盧克讓他停下。修士也哭了，說(shuō)他會(huì)的，說(shuō)他恨不得只有他們兩個(gè)人，但他為了照顧他，早就把所有錢都花光了?！棒玫?，我一點(diǎn)也不后悔，”修士說(shuō)，“但現(xiàn)在我完全沒(méi)錢了。我只剩下你。對(duì)不起。但我現(xiàn)在真的開(kāi)始存錢了?？傆幸惶?，你可以停止的，我保證?！?

　 “When?” he had sobbed.

“什么時(shí)候？”他啜泣著問(wèn)。

　 “Soon,” said Luke, “soon. A year. I promise,” and he had nodded, although he had long since learned that the brother’s promises were meaningless.

“很快的，”盧克說(shuō)，“很快的。一年。我保證?！彼c(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，雖然他早就明白修士的承諾毫無(wú)意義。

　 But then the brother said that he would teach him a secret, something that would help him relieve his frustrations, and the next day he had taught him to cut himself, and had given him a bag already packed with razors and alcohol wipes and cotton and bandages. “You’ll have to experiment to see what feels best,” the brother had said, and had shown him how to clean and bandage the cut once he had finished. “So this is yours,” he said, giving him the bag. “You let me know when you need more supplies, and I’ll get them for you.” He had at first missed the theatrics, the force and weight, of his falls and his slams, but he soon grew to appreciate the secrecy, the control of the cuts. Brother Luke was right: the cutting was better. When he did it, it was as if he was draining away the poison, the filth, the rage inside him. It was as if his old dream of leeches had come to life and had the same effect, the effect he had always hoped it would. He wished he was made of metal, of plastic: something that could be hosed down and scrubbed clean. He had a vision of himself being pumped full of water and detergent and bleach and then blasted dry, everything inside him made hygienic again. Now, after the final client of the night had left, he took Brother Luke’s place in the bathroom, and until he heard the brother telling him it was time to come to bed, his body was his to do with what he chose.

但接著，修士說(shuō)要告訴他一個(gè)秘密，可以幫助他紓解他的挫敗感。次日，他給了他一袋裝了刮胡刀片、酒精棉片、棉花和繃帶的袋子，教他割自己?！澳愕脤?shí)驗(yàn)一下，看什么感覺(jué)最適合。”修士說(shuō)，然后教他割完了要如何清潔并貼上繃帶?！斑@個(gè)給你?！彼f(shuō)，把袋子交給他，“需要補(bǔ)充的時(shí)候跟我說(shuō)一聲，我會(huì)幫你準(zhǔn)備好?！彼婚_(kāi)始很懷念摔下樓梯和撞墻的戲劇化動(dòng)作，還有那種威力和分量，但他很快就喜歡上割自己的私密性和可控性。盧克修士說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)：割自己比較好。他割的時(shí)候，好像排掉了體內(nèi)的毒素、污穢、憤怒。就如同他舊日的水蛭夢(mèng)復(fù)活了，有著同樣的效果，而這種效果是他一直期盼的。他真希望自己是金屬或塑料做的，可以用水沖一沖，刷洗干凈。他想象自己被灌滿了水、清潔劑和漂白水，排光光之后，他體內(nèi)的一切又干凈衛(wèi)生了。現(xiàn)在，晚上的最后一個(gè)顧客離開(kāi)后，他就會(huì)進(jìn)入浴室，他的身體是他的，可以做他想做的事情，直到修士跟他說(shuō)該睡覺(jué)了。

　 He was so dependent on Luke: for his food, for his protection, and now for his razors. When he needed to be taken to the doctor because he was sick—he got infections from the clients, no matter how hard Brother Luke tried, and sometimes he didn’t properly clean his cuts and they became infected as well—Brother Luke took him, and got him the antibiotics he needed. He grew accustomed to Brother Luke’s body, his mouth, his hands: he didn’t like them, but he no longer jolted when Luke began to kiss him, and when the brother put his arms around him, he obediently returned the embrace. He knew there was no one else who would ever treat him as well as Luke did: even when he did something wrong, Luke never yelled at him, and even after all these years, he had still never hit him. Earlier, he had thought he might someday have a client who would be better, who might want to take him away, but now he knew that would never be the case. Once, he had started getting undressed before the client was ready, and the man had slapped his face and snapped at him. “Jesus,” he’d said, “slow down, you little slut. How many times have you done this, anyway?” And as he always did whenever the clients hit him, Luke had come out of the bathroom to yell at the man, and had made the man promise to behave better if he was going to stay. The clients called him names: he was a slut, a whore, filthy, disgusting, a nympho (he had to look that one up), a slave, garbage, trash, dirty, worthless, a nothing. But Luke never said any of those things to him. He was perfect, said Luke, he was smart, he was good at what he did and there was nothing wrong with what he did.

他很依賴盧克：依賴他的食物，依賴他的保護(hù)，現(xiàn)在還依賴他的刮胡刀片。每回他生病必須去看醫(yī)生時(shí)（無(wú)論盧克修士多么努力，他還是會(huì)被顧客傳染，另外有時(shí)他割完后沒(méi)有處理好，傷口也會(huì)感染），盧克修士就會(huì)帶他去買他需要的抗生素。他逐漸習(xí)慣了盧克修士的身體、他的嘴、他的手。他不喜歡，但是盧克吻他時(shí)他不再慌張，而且修士雙手抱著他時(shí)，他也會(huì)順從地回抱。他知道再也沒(méi)有人能像盧克對(duì)他那么好，即使他做錯(cuò)了什么事，盧克也從來(lái)沒(méi)罵過(guò)他，即使過(guò)了這么多年，也從來(lái)沒(méi)打過(guò)他。早些時(shí)候，他想過(guò)或許哪天會(huì)碰到一個(gè)更好的顧客，可能會(huì)想帶他走，但現(xiàn)在他知道永遠(yuǎn)不可能了。有一回，他在顧客準(zhǔn)備好之前就開(kāi)始脫衣服，那男人打了他一耳光，然后罵他?！疤彀。彼f(shuō)，“別那么快，你這個(gè)小騷貨。你做這個(gè)做多少次了？”就像每次有顧客打他時(shí)一樣，盧克會(huì)從浴室里走出來(lái)罵那個(gè)男人，逼那個(gè)男人保證會(huì)更守規(guī)矩，否則就要趕他走。顧客會(huì)罵他：罵他騷貨，罵他婊子，罵他骯臟，罵他惡心，還罵他花癡（他本來(lái)不懂花癡是什么，查了才知道），罵他是奴隸、垃圾、廢物、污穢、沒(méi)用、人渣。但盧克從來(lái)沒(méi)對(duì)他說(shuō)過(guò)這些字眼。盧克說(shuō)，他很完美，他很聰明，他把這些事做得很好，一點(diǎn)錯(cuò)也沒(méi)有。

　 The brother still talked of their being together, although now he talked of a house on the sea, somewhere in central California, and would describe the stony beaches, the noisy birds, the storm-colored water. They would be together, the two of them, like a married couple. No longer were they father and son; now they were equals. When he turned sixteen, they would get married. They would go on a honeymoon to France and Germany, where he could finally use his languages around real French and Germans, and to Italy and Spain, where Brother Luke had lived for two years: once as a student, once the year after he graduated college. They would buy him a piano so he could play and sing. “Other people won’t want you if they knew how many clients you’d been with,” the Brother said. “And they’d be silly to not want you. But I’ll always want you, even if you’ve been with ten thousand clients.” He would retire when he was sixteen, Brother Luke said, and he had cried then, quietly, because he had been counting the days until he was twelve, when Brother Luke had promised he could stop.

修士還是會(huì)談到他們要在一起，不過(guò)他現(xiàn)在談的是海邊的一棟房子，在加州中部，然后描述卵石海灘、嘈雜的海鳥(niǎo)、色彩如風(fēng)暴般的海水。他們會(huì)在一起，只有他們兩個(gè)，就像已婚的伴侶。他們?cè)僖膊皇歉缸樱滑F(xiàn)在他們是平等的。等到他滿16歲，他們就會(huì)結(jié)婚。他們會(huì)去法國(guó)和德國(guó)度蜜月，在那里，他終于可以跟真正的法國(guó)人和德國(guó)人講法語(yǔ)和德語(yǔ)。還要去意大利和西班牙，盧克修士曾在那住過(guò)兩年：一次是以學(xué)生的身份，一次是大學(xué)畢業(yè)后那年。他們會(huì)給他買一架鋼琴，這樣他就可以彈琴唱歌?！捌渌艘侵滥憬舆^(guò)多少客，就不會(huì)想要你了?！北R克修士說(shuō)，“是他們太笨了才不想要你，但是我永遠(yuǎn)都想要你，就算你接過(guò)一萬(wàn)個(gè)客人也一樣?！钡人麧M16歲就可以退休了，盧克修士說(shuō)。然后他靜靜地哭了，因?yàn)橹氨R克修士答應(yīng)他滿12歲就可以停止，他一直在算日子。

　 Sometimes Luke apologized for what he had to do: when the client was cruel, when he was in pain, when he bled or was bruised. And sometimes Luke acted as if he enjoyed it. “Well, that was a good one,” he’d say, after one of the men left. “I could tell you liked that one, am I right? Don’t deny it, Jude! I heard you enjoying yourself. Well, it’s good. It’s good to enjoy your work.”

有時(shí)，盧克會(huì)為他必須做的事道歉，當(dāng)顧客很殘忍、當(dāng)他很痛、當(dāng)他流血或有瘀青的時(shí)候。有時(shí)，盧克表現(xiàn)得好像他很喜歡他做這些似的。“唔，剛剛那回真不錯(cuò)啊，”他會(huì)在顧客離開(kāi)后說(shuō)，“我看得出你喜歡這回，對(duì)不對(duì)？別否認(rèn)，裘德！我聽(tīng)得出你自己也很享受。唔，這樣很好。享受你的工作是好事?！?

　 He turned twelve. They were now in Oregon, working their way toward California, Luke said. He had grown again; Brother Luke predicted he would be six foot one, six foot two when he stopped—still shorter than Brother Luke, but not by much. His voice was changing. He wasn’t a child anymore, and this made finding clients more difficult. Now there were fewer individual clients and more groups. He hated the groups, but Luke said that was the best he could do. He looked too old for his age: clients thought he was thirteen or fourteen, and at this age, Luke said, every year counted.

他滿12歲了。盧克說(shuō)，現(xiàn)在他們?cè)诙砝諏?，正要去加州。他又長(zhǎng)高了，盧克修士預(yù)測(cè)他會(huì)一路長(zhǎng)到六英尺一英寸或六英尺二英寸，還是比盧克修士矮，但沒(méi)矮多少。他也開(kāi)始變聲，不再是小孩了，這使得找顧客變得更困難。現(xiàn)在單獨(dú)來(lái)的客人變少了。他討厭成群結(jié)伴來(lái)的顧客，但盧克說(shuō)他只能找到這些。他看起來(lái)比他的實(shí)際年齡大，顧客都以為他13歲或14歲。盧克說(shuō)，在這個(gè)年紀(jì)，每一年的生意都會(huì)差很多。

　 It was fall; September twentieth. They were in Montana, because Luke thought he would like to see the night sky there, the stars as bright as electrical lights. There was nothing strange about that day. Two days earlier, he’d had a large group, and it had been so awful that Luke had not only canceled his clients for the day after but had let him sleep alone for both nights, the bed completely his. That evening, though, life had returned to normal. Luke joined him in bed, and began kissing him. And then, as they were having sex, there was a banging at their door, so loud and insistent and sudden that he had almost bitten down on Brother Luke’s tongue. “Police,” he could hear, “open up. Open up right now.”

到了秋天，九月二十日。他們當(dāng)時(shí)在蒙大拿州，因?yàn)楸R克覺(jué)得他會(huì)想看看那兒的夜空，星星亮得像電燈。那天沒(méi)有什么不尋常。兩天前，他接了一大群結(jié)伴而來(lái)的客人，狀況糟到盧克不光是取消了次日的顧客，還連續(xù)兩夜讓他單獨(dú)睡覺(jué)，那張床完全是他的。不過(guò)那天夜里，生活又恢復(fù)正常。盧克來(lái)到他床上跟他一起睡，開(kāi)始吻他。然后，他們性交到一半時(shí)，忽然有人敲門，很大聲、既堅(jiān)持又突然，害他差點(diǎn)咬到盧克修士的舌頭。“警察，”他聽(tīng)到門外的人喊，“開(kāi)門，馬上開(kāi)門?！?

　 Brother Luke had clamped his hand over his mouth. “Don’t say a word,” he hissed.

盧克修士一手緊緊捂住他的嘴巴?！皠e出聲?！彼脷庖粽f(shuō)。

　 “Police,” shouted the voice again. “Edgar Wilmot, we have a warrant for your arrest. Open the door right now.”

“警察，”那聲音又喊了，“埃德加·威爾默特，我們有你的逮捕令。馬上開(kāi)門。”

　 He was confused: Who was Edgar Wilmot? Was he a client? He was about to tell Brother Luke that they had made a mistake when he looked up and saw his face and realized that they were looking for Brother Luke.

他很困惑：誰(shuí)是埃德加·威爾默特？是某個(gè)顧客嗎？他正要告訴盧克他們搞錯(cuò)了，但他一抬頭看到他的臉，立刻明白他們要找的就是盧克修士。

　 Brother Luke pulled out of him and motioned for him to stay in the bed. “Don’t move,” he whispered. “I’ll be right back.” And then he ran into the bathroom; he could hear the door lock click.

盧克修士起身離開(kāi)他，比劃著示意他待在床上。“別動(dòng)，”他低聲說(shuō)，“我馬上回來(lái)?！比缓笈苓M(jìn)浴室。他聽(tīng)到門“喀噠”一聲鎖上。

　 “No,” he’d whispered wildly, as Luke left him. “Don’t leave me, Brother Luke, don’t leave me alone.” But the brother had left anyway.

“不要，”他看到盧克離開(kāi)，著急地用氣音說(shuō)，“別離開(kāi)我，盧克修士，別留下我一個(gè)人?！钡奘窟€是離開(kāi)了。