《渺小一生》:他從來沒看過大人哭

　 “Where are the forests?” he asked.

“森林在哪里？”他問。

　 Brother Luke laughed. “Patience, Jude.”

盧克修士大笑：“裘德，耐心點?！?

　 They would need to stay in a motel for a few days, Brother Luke explained, both to make sure the other brothers weren’t following them and so he could begin scouting for the perfect place to build their cabin. The motel was called The Golden Hand, and their room had two beds—real beds—and Brother Luke let him choose which one he wanted. He took the one near the bathroom, and Brother Luke took the one near the window, with a view of their car. “Why don’t you take a shower, and I’m going to go to the store and get us some supplies,” said the brother, and he was suddenly frightened. “What’s wrong, Jude?”

盧克修士解釋，他們得在一家汽車旅館先待幾天，一方面要確定其他修士不會追上來，另一方面他們也可以開始尋找完美的地點來建造小木屋。那家汽車旅館叫“金手”，他們的房間有兩張床——真正的床——盧克修士讓他先挑。他挑了靠浴室那張，盧克修士則睡靠窗的那張，隔著窗子就可以看到他們的車。“你先去沖個澡，我去店里買些東西。”修士說。他忽然害怕起來。“裘德，怎么了？”

　 “Are you going to come back?” he asked, hating how scared he sounded.

“你會回來嗎？”他問，很恨自己的聲音聽起來這么害怕。

　 “Of course I’ll come back, Jude,” said the brother, hugging him. “Of course I will.”

“我當然會回來，裘德，”修士說，走過來給他一個擁抱，“我當然會回來啊?！?

　 When he did, he had a loaf of sliced bread, and a jar of peanut butter, and a hand of bananas, and a quart of milk, and a bag of almonds, and some onions and peppers and chicken breasts. That evening, Brother Luke set up the small hibachi he’d brought in the parking lot and they grilled the onions and peppers and chicken, and Brother Luke gave him a glass of milk.

他回來時，帶了一條切開的面包、一瓶花生醬、一串香蕉，還有一大瓶牛奶、一包杏仁，外加一些洋蔥、青椒和雞胸肉。那天晚上，盧克修士把他在停車場買來的小烤爐架起來，他們烤了洋蔥、青椒和雞肉，盧克修士給了他一杯牛奶。

　 Brother Luke established their routine. They woke early, before the sun was up, and Brother Luke made himself a pot of coffee with the coffeemaker he’d brought, and then they drove into town, to the high school’s track, where Luke let him run around for an hour as he sat in the bleachers, drinking his coffee and watching him. Then they returned to the motel room, where the brother gave him lessons. Brother Luke had been a math professor before he came to the monastery, but he had wanted to work with children, and so he had later taught sixth grade. But he knew about other subjects as well: history and books and music and languages. He knew so much more than the other brothers, and he wondered why Luke had never taught him when they lived at the monastery. They ate lunch—peanut butter sandwiches again—and then had more classes until three p.m., when he was allowed outside again to run around the parking lot, or to take a walk with the brother down the highway. The motel faced the interstate, and the whoosh of the passing cars provided a constant soundtrack. “It’s like living by the sea,” Brother Luke always said.

盧克修士建立了他們的日常生活。他們一早就起床，盧克修士會用他買的咖啡壺給自己沖一壺咖啡。然后他們開車到鎮(zhèn)上，去當?shù)馗咧械奶飶綀?，讓他跑一小時，盧克則坐在露天看臺上喝咖啡看他跑。之后，他們回到旅館房間，修士會給他上課。盧克修士去修道院之前是數(shù)學教授，他一直想做與孩子有關的工作，后來就去小學教六年級。但他也懂其他科目，包括歷史、閱讀、音樂和語文。盧克修士懂的比其他修士多好多，他不懂以前住在修道院時，為什么盧克修士從沒教過他。接著他們吃午餐（又是花生醬三明治），然后下午上課到3點，他就可以到停車場上繞著圈子跑步，或是跟修士沿著高速公路散步。那家汽車旅館面對著州際高速公路，經(jīng)過車子的呼嘯聲是永遠的背景音樂。“就像住在海邊一樣?！北R克修士總是這么說。

　 After this, Brother Luke made a third pot of coffee and then drove off to look for locations where they’d build their cabin, and he stayed behind in their motel room. The brother always locked him into the room for his safety. “Don’t open the door for anyone, do you hear me?” asked the brother. “Not for anyone. I have a key and I’ll let myself in. And don’t open the curtains; I don’t want anyone to see you’re in here alone. There are dangerous people out there in the world; I don’t want you to get hurt.” It was for this same reason that he wasn’t to use Brother Luke’s computer, which he took with him anyway whenever he left the room. “You don’t know who’s out there,” Brother Luke would say. “I want you to be safe, Jude. Promise me.” He promised.

之后，盧克修士會煮第三壺咖啡，然后開車出去尋找蓋小屋的地點，他則留在旅館房間。為了他的安全，修士離開時總是把房門上鎖?！叭魏稳饲瞄T都不要開，聽到?jīng)]？”修士要求他，“任何人都不行。我有鑰匙，我回來會自己開門。另外別拉開窗簾，我不希望任何人看到你一個人在里面。外頭有很多危險的人，我不希望你受到傷害。”出于同樣的原因，他也不能用盧克修士的筆記本電腦，反正修士一離開房間就會帶走。“你不知道外頭有什么壞人，”盧克修士說，“裘德，我希望你安全。跟我保證?！彼ＷC了。

　 He would lie on his bed and read. The television was forbidden to him: Luke would feel it when he came back to the room, to see if it was warm, and he didn’t want to displease him, he didn’t want to get in trouble. Brother Luke had brought a piano keyboard in his car, and he practiced on it; the brother was never mean to him, but he did take lessons seriously. As the sky grew dark, though, he would find himself sitting on the edge of Brother Luke’s bed, pinching back the curtain and scanning the parking lot for Brother Luke’s car; some part of him was always worried that Brother Luke wouldn’t return for him after all, that he was growing tired of him, that he would be left alone. There was so much he didn’t know about the world, and the world was a scary place. He tried to remind himself that there were things he could do, that he knew how to work, that maybe he could get a job cleaning the motel, but he was always anxious until he saw the station wagon pulling toward him, and then he would be relieved, and would promise himself that he would do better the next day, that he would never give Brother Luke a reason to not return to him.

他會躺在自己的床上閱讀。盧克修士也不準他看電視，回來時還會摸電視機，看看是不是溫的；他不想惹修士不高興，不想惹麻煩。盧克修士的車上也有一臺電子琴，他會用那個練習；修士從來沒罵過他，但是很把他的課業(yè)當回事。天空轉(zhuǎn)暗時，他會不自覺地坐在盧克修士那張床的角落，偷偷拉開窗簾一角看外頭的停車場，尋找盧克修士的車子；他心里某部分總是擔心盧克修士再也不會回來了，擔心修士厭倦他，擔心自己會被單獨留下。這個世界好可怕，有那么多他不知道的事物。他設法提醒自己有些事情他可以做，他會干活，或許他可以在汽車旅館找到清潔的差事，但他總是很焦慮，只有看到那輛旅行車開過來才能放松，然后向自己保證他明天會更乖，絕對不會給盧克修士任何不回來的理由。

　 One evening the brother came back to the room looking tired. A few days ago, he had returned excited: he had found the perfect piece of land, he said. He described a clearing surrounded by cedars and pines, a little stream nearby busy with fish, the air so cool and quiet that you could hear every pinecone as it fell to the soft ground. He had even shown him a picture, all dark greens and shadows, and had explained where their cabin would go, and how he could help build it, and where they would make a sleeping loft, a secret fort, just for him.

某天傍晚修士回到房間，一臉疲倦。幾天前，他回來時很興奮，說他找到完美的土地了。他描述了一片有雪松和松樹環(huán)繞的林間空地，附近有一條魚類繁多的小溪，那里的空氣很涼、很安靜，可以聽到每個松球落到柔軟土地上的聲音。他甚至拿了張照片給他看，一片墨綠色和陰影，然后解釋他們的小木屋要蓋在哪里，他要怎么幫忙建造，哪里會是閣樓臥室（那會是他專屬的秘密堡壘）。

　 “What’s wrong, Brother Luke?” he asked him, after the brother had been silent so long that he could no longer stand it.

看到修士沉默了好久，他再也忍不住了?！霸趺椿厥拢R克修士？”他問。

　 “Oh, Jude,” said the brother, “I’ve failed.” He told him how he had tried and tried to buy the land, but he just didn’t have the money. “I’m sorry, Jude, I’m sorry,” he said, and then, to his amazement, the brother began to cry.

“啊，裘德，”修士說，“我失敗了?！彼f他自己如何試了又試要買那塊地，但他就是沒有足夠的錢。“對不起，裘德，對不起。”他說。令他驚訝的是，修士哭了起來。

　 He had never before seen an adult cry. “Maybe you could teach again, Brother Luke,” he said, trying to comfort him. “I like you. If I were a kid, I’d like to be taught by you,” and the brother smiled a bit at him and stroked his hair and said it didn’t work like that, that he’d have to get licensed by the state, and it was a long and complicated process.

他從來沒看過大人哭?！氨R克修士，或許你可以再去教書，”他說，試著安慰他，“我喜歡你。如果我是小孩，我會很想讓你教的?！钡奘靠嘈χ鴵崦念^發(fā)，說那不行，他要教書就得拿到這個州的教師執(zhí)照，而那個過程漫長又復雜。

　 He thought and thought. And then he remembered: “Brother Luke,” he said, “I could help—I could get a job. I could help earn money.”

他想了又想，然后他想到了。“盧克修士，”他說，“我可以幫忙——我可以找個工作。我可以幫忙賺錢?！?

　 “No, Jude,” said the brother. “I can’t let you do that.”

“不，裘德，”修士說，“我不能讓你這么做?！?

　 “But I want to,” he said. He remembered Brother Michael telling him how much he cost for the monastery to maintain, and felt guilty and frightened, both. Brother Luke had done so much for him, and he had done nothing in return. He not only wanted to help earn money; he had to.

“可是我想幫忙?！彼f。他還記得邁克修士跟他說養(yǎng)他花了修道院多少錢，覺得內(nèi)疚又害怕。盧克修士為他做了這么多，他卻完全沒回報。他不光是想要幫忙賺錢而已；他非幫不可。

　 At last he was able to convince the brother, who hugged him. “You really are one in a million, you know that?” Luke asked him. “You really are special.” And he smiled into the brother’s sweater.

最后他終于說服修士，修士抱抱他。“你真是一百萬人中才有的一個，你知道嗎？”盧克跟他說，“你真的好特別。”然后他偎著修士的毛衣微笑。

　 The next day they had classes as usual, and then the brother left again, this time, he said, to find him a good job: something he could do that would help them earn money so they could buy the land and build the cabin. And this time Luke returned smiling, excited even, and seeing this, he was excited as well.

次日他們?nèi)绯Ｉ险n，然后修士又離開了，這回說要去幫他找份好工作，找份他可以幫忙賺錢的差事，這樣就可以買下地蓋小木屋了。這回盧克回來時滿臉微笑，甚至很興奮，他看了也跟著興奮。

　 “Jude,” said the brother, “I met someone who wants to give you some work; he’s waiting right outside and you can start now.”

“裘德，”修士說，“我碰到一個人愿意給你一些工作；他就在外頭等，你現(xiàn)在就可以開始了?！?

　 He smiled back at the brother. “What am I going to do?” he asked. At the monastery, he had been taught to sweep, and dust, and mop. He could wax a floor so well that even Brother Matthew had been impressed. He knew how to polish silver, and brass, and wood. He knew how to clean between tiles and how to scrub a toilet. He knew how to clean leaves out of gutters and clean and reset a mousetrap. He knew how to wash windows and do laundry by hand. He knew how to iron, he knew how to sew on buttons, he knew how to make stitches so even and fine that they looked as if they had been done by machine.

他也對著修士微笑?！拔乙鍪裁?？”他問。在修道院里，他學過掃地、擦灰塵、抹地。他可以把地板打蠟打得亮晶晶的，連馬修修士都很佩服。他知道如何擦亮銀器、銅器和木頭。他知道如何清潔瓷磚間的縫隙，以及刷馬桶。他知道如何掃出水溝里的落葉，清理并重新放置捕鼠器。他知道如何洗窗子、手洗衣服。他會熨衣服、縫紐扣，還有本事把針腳縫得又細又均勻，看起來就像是裁縫機縫出來的。