《渺小一生》:外頭正下著傾盆大雨

　 He had never seen Caleb drunk in their time together, but he can tell instantly that he is, and in a dangerous mood. “Your secretary told me where you were,” Caleb says to him. “You must be Harold,” he says, and extends his hand to Harold, who shakes it, looking bewildered.

他們?cè)谝黄饡r(shí)，他從沒(méi)看過(guò)凱萊布喝醉，但這會(huì)兒他立刻看出他喝醉了，而且處于一種危險(xiǎn)的狀態(tài)?！澳愕拿貢嬖V我你在這里。”凱萊布對(duì)他說(shuō)，“你一定是哈羅德。”他說(shuō)，朝哈羅德伸出手。哈羅德跟他握了手，一臉困惑。

　 “Jude?” Harold asks him, but he can’t speak.

“裘德？”哈羅德問(wèn)他，但他說(shuō)不出話來(lái)。

　 “Caleb Porter,” says Caleb, and slides into the semicircular booth, pressing against his side. “Your son and I are dating.”

“我是凱萊布·波特?！眲P萊布說(shuō)，然后滑進(jìn)他們半圓形的卡座里坐下，緊貼著他，“你兒子正在跟我交往?！?

　 Harold looks at Caleb, and then at him, and opens his mouth, speechless for the first time since he has known him.

哈羅德看看凱萊布，又看看他，張開嘴巴，但說(shuō)不出話來(lái)。他認(rèn)識(shí)哈羅德以來(lái)，這還是頭一次。

　 “Let me ask you something,” Caleb says to Harold, leaning in as if delivering a confidence, and he stares at Caleb’s face, his vulpine handsomeness, his dark, glinting eyes. “Be honest. Don’t you ever wish you had a normal son, not a cripple?”

“我問(wèn)你一件事?！眲P萊布對(duì)哈羅德說(shuō)，同時(shí)身體前傾，好像要表達(dá)自信。他則盯著凱萊布狐貍似的俊美臉龐，還有他發(fā)亮的深色眼睛，“老實(shí)說(shuō)，你難道從沒(méi)想過(guò)要一個(gè)正常的兒子，而不是瘸了腿的？”

　 For a moment, no one says anything, and he can feel something, a current, sizzle in the air. “Who the fuck are you?” hisses Harold, and then he watches Harold’s face change, his features contorting so quickly and violently from shock to disgust to anger that he looks, for an instant, inhuman, a ghoul in Harold’s clothing. And then his expression changes again, and he watches something harden in Harold’s face, as if his very muscles are ossifying before him.

一時(shí)之間沒(méi)人說(shuō)話，他可以感覺(jué)空氣中有種電流。“你他媽的是誰(shuí)？”哈羅德咬牙道。他看到哈羅德的臉色變了，五官扭動(dòng)得迅速又劇烈，從震驚轉(zhuǎn)為厭惡又轉(zhuǎn)為憤怒，有一瞬間看起來(lái)甚至不像人類，像穿著哈羅德衣服的食尸鬼。然后哈羅德的表情再度改變，他看到哈羅德臉上有個(gè)什么變得堅(jiān)硬起來(lái)，仿佛他的肌肉就在自己的面前硬化。

　 “You did this to him,” he says to Caleb, very slowly. And then to him, in dismay, “It wasn’t tennis, was it, Jude. This man did this to you.”

“他是被你打?！彼浅＞徛貙?duì)凱萊布說(shuō)，然后驚慌地對(duì)他說(shuō)，“根本不是網(wǎng)球，對(duì)不對(duì)，裘德？是這個(gè)人打的?！?

　 “Harold, don’t,” he begins to say, but Caleb has grabbed his wrist, and is gripping it so hard that he feels it might be breaking. “You little liar,” he says to him. “You’re a cripple and a liar and a bad fuck. And you’re right—you’re disgusting. I couldn’t even look at you, not ever.”

“哈羅德，不要?！彼_口，但凱萊布抓住他的手腕，他覺(jué)得手腕快要骨折了?！澳氵@個(gè)撒謊精?！眲P萊布對(duì)他說(shuō)，“你是個(gè)瘸子、撒謊精，還是個(gè)爛貨。另外你說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)——你很惡心。我連看你都沒(méi)辦法，沒(méi)辦法?！?

　 “Get the fuck out of here,” says Harold, biting down on each word. They are all of them speaking in whispers, but the conversation feels so loud, and the rest of the restaurant so silent, that he is certain everyone can hear them.

“你他媽的滾出去?！惫_德說(shuō)，咬著牙吐出每個(gè)字。雖然都是用氣音說(shuō)的，但感覺(jué)很大聲，整個(gè)餐廳忽然很安靜，他覺(jué)得每個(gè)人都聽到了。

　 “Harold, don’t,” he begs him. “Stop, please.”

“哈羅德，不要?！彼笾皠e鬧了，求求你?！?

　 But Harold doesn’t listen to him. “I’m going to call the police,” he says, and Caleb slides out of the booth and stands, and Harold stands as well. “Get out of here right now,” Harold repeats, and now everyone really is looking in their direction, and he is so mortified that he feels sick.

但哈羅德不理他?！拔乙螂娫拡?bào)警?！彼f(shuō)，然后凱萊布滑出卡座站起來(lái)，哈羅德也站起來(lái)，“你馬上給我滾出去?！惫_德又說(shuō)了一次。這回每個(gè)人真的都朝他們這看了，他無(wú)地自容得簡(jiǎn)直想吐。

　 “Harold,” he pleads.

“哈羅德?！彼謶┣蟮?。

　 He can tell from Caleb’s swaying motion that he is really very drunk, and when he pushes at Harold’s shoulder, Harold is about to push back when he finds his voice, finally, and shouts Harold’s name, and Harold turns to him and lowers his arm. Caleb gives him his small smile, then, and turns and leaves, shoving past some of the waiters who have silently gathered around him.

從凱萊布搖晃的動(dòng)作，他看得出他真的醉得很厲害。他推了一下哈羅德的肩膀，哈羅德正要推回去時(shí)，他終于能發(fā)出聲音，喊了哈羅德的名字。哈羅德轉(zhuǎn)向他，放下手臂。凱萊布朝他微微一笑，然后轉(zhuǎn)身離去，擠過(guò)了幾個(gè)靜靜圍過(guò)來(lái)的侍者。

　 Harold stands there for a moment, staring at the door, and then begins to follow Caleb, and he calls Harold’s name again, desperate, and Harold comes back to him.

哈羅德又站了一會(huì)兒，瞪著餐廳門，想跟著出去。他又絕望地喊了哈羅德的名字，哈羅德這才回到他身邊。

　 “Jude—” Harold begins, but he shakes his head. He is so angry, so furious, that his humiliation has almost been eclipsed by his rage. Around them, he can hear people’s conversations resuming. He hails their waiter and gives him his credit card, which is returned to him in what feels like seconds. He doesn’t have his wheelchair today, for which he is enormously, bitterly grateful, and in those moments he is leaving the restaurant, he feels he has never been so nimble, has never moved so quickly or decisively.

“裘德……”哈羅德說(shuō)，但他搖搖頭。他很生氣，氣瘋了，他的羞辱感跟他的怒火比起來(lái)，簡(jiǎn)直不算什么。在他們周圍，他聽到人們又開始談話。他朝侍者揮手，給了自己的信用卡，幾秒鐘后侍者回來(lái)還給他。他今天沒(méi)坐輪椅，此刻他非常后悔。在他離開餐廳的短短幾秒鐘，他覺(jué)得自己從來(lái)沒(méi)有這么靈活、走得這么快，又這么果決。

　 Outside, it is pouring. His car is parked a block away, and he shuffles down the sidewalk, Harold silent at his side. He is so livid he wishes he could not give Harold a ride at all, but they are on the east side, near Avenue A, and Harold will never be able to find a cab in the rain.

外頭正下著傾盆大雨。他的車停在一個(gè)街區(qū)外，他沿著人行道往前，哈羅德默默陪在他旁邊。他氣得真不想開車送哈羅德，但此時(shí)他們?cè)谑袇^(qū)東端，靠近A大道。現(xiàn)在又下著雨，哈羅德絕對(duì)叫不到出租車。

　 “Jude—” Harold says once they’re in the car, but he interrupts him, keeping his eyes on the road before him. “I was begging you not to say anything, Harold,” he says. “And you did anyway. Why did you do that, Harold? You think my life is a joke? You think my problems are just an opportunity for you to grandstand?” He doesn’t even know what he means, doesn’t know what he’s trying to say.

“裘德……”他們上車后，哈羅德就開口了，但他打斷他，眼睛只看著前面的路?！肮_德，我一直求你什么都別說(shuō)，”他說(shuō)，“結(jié)果你還是說(shuō)了。你為什么要那樣做，哈羅德？你認(rèn)為我的人生是一場(chǎng)笑話嗎？你認(rèn)為我的問(wèn)題只是讓你躍上大舞臺(tái)的機(jī)會(huì)嗎？”他甚至不明白自己講這些話是什么意思，不明白自己想這些做什么。

　 “No, Jude, of course not,” says Harold, his voice gentle. “I’m sorry—I just lost it.”

“不，裘德，當(dāng)然不是?！惫_德說(shuō)，他的聲音輕柔，“對(duì)不起，我氣得失去理智了。”

　 This sobers him for some reason, and for a few blocks they are silent, listening to the sluice of the wipers.

出于某些原因，這句話讓他清醒過(guò)來(lái)。接下來(lái)幾個(gè)街區(qū)，他們保持沉默，聽著雨刷的聲音。

　 “Were you really going out with him?” Harold asks.

“你之前真的在跟他交往嗎？”哈羅德問(wèn)。