《渺小一生》:但他和三個(gè)好友都沒(méi)有子女

　 Alex is seated to his left, and he talks to her about her job as the public relations director of a fashion label called Rothko, which she has just quit, to Rhodes’s consternation. “Do you miss it yet?” he asks.

今天亞歷克絲坐在他左邊，兩人聊起她的工作。她原來(lái)在一家時(shí)裝公司羅思科當(dāng)公關(guān)主任，剛剛辭職，讓羅茲非常驚恐?！伴_始想念上班的日子了嗎？”他問(wèn)。

　 “Not yet,” she says. “I know Rhodes isn’t happy about it”—she smiles—“but he’ll get over it. I just felt I should stay home while the kids are young.”

“還沒(méi)?！彼f(shuō)，“我知道羅茲很不高興，”她微笑，“但是他會(huì)想開的。我只是覺得應(yīng)該趁孩子還小，待在家里多陪陪他們?！?

　 He asks about the country house the two of them have bought in Connecticut (another source of Rhodes’s nightmares), and she tells him about the renovation, which is grinding into its third summer, and he groans in sympathy. “Rhodes said you were looking somewhere in Columbia County,” she says. “Did you end up buying?”

他問(wèn)起了他們夫婦在康涅狄格州買的鄉(xiāng)村住宅（羅茲夢(mèng)魘的另一個(gè)來(lái)源），她把狀況告訴他，緩慢的整修過(guò)程現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)進(jìn)入了第三個(gè)夏天。他發(fā)出同情的嘆息?！傲_茲說(shuō)過(guò)你去哥倫比亞郡看房子。”她說(shuō)，“你后來(lái)買了嗎？”

　 “Not yet,” he says. It had been a choice: either the house, or he and Richard were going to renovate the ground floor, make the garage usable and add a gym and a small pool—one with a constant current, so you could swim in place in it—and in the end, he chose the renovation. Now he swims every morning in complete privacy; not even Richard enters the gym area when he’s in it.

“還沒(méi)。”他說(shuō)。那棟房子只是個(gè)選項(xiàng)：看要買下那里，還是跟理查德一起出錢整修一樓，把車庫(kù)修得能用，再加個(gè)健身房和一個(gè)小游泳池——會(huì)制造恒定水流的那種，這樣你就可以在原地逆水游泳——結(jié)果他們選擇整修一樓。現(xiàn)在他每天早上都在完全私人的狀態(tài)下游泳：他在健身房的時(shí)候，連理查德都不會(huì)進(jìn)去。

　 “We wanted to wait on the house, actually,” Alex admits. “But really, we didn’t have a choice—we wanted the kids to have a yard while they were little.”

“我們其實(shí)在等那棟房子整修好?！眮啔v克絲承認(rèn)，“可是也沒(méi)有辦法——小孩還小，我們希望他們有個(gè)院子?！?

　 He nods; he has heard this story before, from Rhodes. Often, it feels as if he and Rhodes (and he and almost every one of his contemporaries at the firm) are living parallel versions of adulthood. Their world is governed by children, little despots whose needs—school and camp and activities and tutors—dictate every decision, and will for the next ten, fifteen, eighteen years. Having children has provided their adulthood with an instant and nonnegotiable sense of purpose and direction: they decide the length and location of that year’s vacation; they determine if there will be any leftover money, and if so, how it might be spent; they give shape to a day, a week, a year, a life. Children are a kind of cartography, and all one has to do is obey the map they present to you on the day they are born.

他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，之前他聽羅茲說(shuō)過(guò)了。他常常覺得，他和羅茲（還有幾乎律師事務(wù)所每個(gè)同齡的人）似乎過(guò)著兩種并行但截然不同的成人生活。他們的世界由子女統(tǒng)治，那些小暴君的需求（學(xué)校、度假營(yíng)、活動(dòng)、家教）支配了每個(gè)決定，而且接下來(lái)十年、十五年、十八年都會(huì)如此。子女為成人生活提供了一種迫切而無(wú)法改變的目的感和方向感：他們決定了每年度假要去哪里、去多久；他們決定了家里會(huì)不會(huì)有多余的錢，如果有，該怎么花；他們讓每一天、每一星期、每一年、每一生成形。擁有子女就像是在繪制某種地圖，你唯一要做的，就是遵循他們出生那天給你的路線，乖乖地照著畫。

　 But he and his friends have no children, and in their absence, the world sprawls before them, almost stifling in its possibilities. Without them, one’s status as an adult is never secure; a childless adult creates adulthood for himself, and as exhilarating as it often is, it is also a state of perpetual insecurity, of perpetual doubt. Or it is to some people—certainly it is to Malcolm, who recently reviewed with him a list he’d made in favor of and against having children with Sophie, much as he had when he was deciding whether to marry Sophie in the first place, four years ago.

但他和三個(gè)好友都沒(méi)有子女，因此整個(gè)世界在眼前展開，種種可能性簡(jiǎn)直多得令人透不過(guò)氣來(lái)。沒(méi)了子女，你的成人身份是永遠(yuǎn)不確定的；沒(méi)有小孩的成人為自己創(chuàng)造出一種成年生活，這常常令人振奮，但也是一種長(zhǎng)年不穩(wěn)定、令人陷入自我懷疑的狀態(tài)。或者對(duì)某些人來(lái)說(shuō)是如此，馬爾科姆肯定就是這樣，他最近還擬了一張清單，列出生小孩的優(yōu)點(diǎn)和缺點(diǎn)，來(lái)找他商量，差不多就像四年前在決定要不要跟蘇菲結(jié)婚時(shí)那樣。

　 “I don’t know, Mal,” he said, after listening to Malcolm’s list. “It sounds like the reasons for having them are because you feel you should, not because you really want them.”

“不知道，小馬，”他聽完馬爾科姆的清單后說(shuō)，“聽起來(lái)你生小孩的理由，好像是因?yàn)槟阌X得自己應(yīng)該要，而不是你真的想要。”

　 “Of course I feel I should,” said Malcolm. “Don’t you ever feel like we’re all basically still living like children, Jude?”

“我當(dāng)然會(huì)覺得應(yīng)該要?！瘪R爾科姆說(shuō)，“裘德，難道你從來(lái)不覺得，我們基本上還活得像個(gè)小孩嗎？”

　 “No,” he said. And he never had: his life was as far from his childhood as he could imagine. “That’s your dad talking, Mal. Your life won’t be any less valid, or any less legitimate, if you don’t have kids.”

他不曾有這種感覺，他的人生離童年很遠(yuǎn)，遠(yuǎn)得不能再遠(yuǎn)了。“不會(huì)?！彼f(shuō)，“小馬，那是你爸的想法。如果你沒(méi)有小孩，你的人生也不會(huì)更不完整，或更不理直氣壯。”

　 Malcolm had sighed. “Maybe,” he said. “Maybe you’re right.” He’d smiled. “I mean, I don’t really want them.”

馬爾科姆嘆氣，“或許吧，”他說(shuō)，“或許你說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)?！彼冻鑫⑿Γ拔业囊馑际?，我不是真的很想要小孩?！?

　 He smiled back. “Well,” he said, “you can always wait. Maybe someday you can adopt a sad thirty-year-old.”

他也微笑，“唔，”他說(shuō)，“反正你永遠(yuǎn)可以改變心意?；蛟S有一天你可以收養(yǎng)一個(gè)悲慘的30歲孤兒?！?

　 “Maybe,” Malcolm said again. “After all, I hear it is a trend in certain parts of the country.”

“或許吧?！瘪R爾科姆說(shuō)，“畢竟，我聽說(shuō)國(guó)內(nèi)有些地方正流行這種事呢?！?

　 Now Alex excuses herself to help Rhodes in the kitchen, who has been calling her name with mounting urgency—“Alex. Alex! Alex!”—and he turns to the person on his right, whom he doesn’t recognize from Rhodes’s other parties, a dark-haired man with a nose that looks like it’s been broken: it starts heading decisively in one direction before reversing directions, just as decisively, right below the bridge.

這會(huì)兒羅茲在廚房喊亞歷克絲，越喊越急——“亞歷克絲。亞歷克絲！亞歷克絲！”——她只好暫時(shí)告退去幫忙。他轉(zhuǎn)向坐在右邊的那個(gè)人，他在羅茲的其他晚宴中從沒(méi)見過(guò)他，是個(gè)深色頭發(fā)的男子，鼻子看起來(lái)像是被打斷的：一開始堅(jiān)決地往一個(gè)方向延伸，過(guò)了鼻梁又忽然改變方向，而且同樣堅(jiān)決。

　 “Caleb Porter.”

“凱萊布·波特?！?

　 “Jude St. Francis.”

“裘德·圣弗朗西斯。”

　 “Let me guess: Catholic.”

“讓我猜猜看：天主教徒。”

　 “Let me guess: not.”

“讓我猜猜看：不是?！?

　 Caleb laughs. “You’re right about that.”

凱萊布大笑：“你猜對(duì)了?！?

　 They talk, and Caleb tells him he’s just moved to the city from London, where he’s spent the past decade as the president of a fashion label, to take over as the new CEO at Rothko. “Alex very sweetly and spontaneously invited me yesterday, and I thought”—he shrugs—“why not? It’s this, a good meal with nice people, or sitting in a hotel room looking desultorily at real estate listings.” From the kitchen there is a timpani clatter of falling metal, and Rhodes swearing. Caleb looks at him, his eyebrows raised, and he smiles. “Don’t worry,” he reassures him. “This always happens.”

他們聊天，凱萊布說(shuō)他之前十年都在倫敦?fù)?dān)任一家時(shí)裝公司的董事長(zhǎng)，最近剛搬來(lái)紐約接任羅思科的執(zhí)行長(zhǎng)。“亞歷克絲很好心，昨天臨時(shí)起意邀請(qǐng)我來(lái)，我心想，”他聳聳肩，“有何不可呢？要不是來(lái)這里跟一群友善的好人吃一頓大餐，就是坐在旅館房間看著一堆房地產(chǎn)清單找房子?！睆N房里傳來(lái)金屬落地連串的叮咚響聲，還有羅茲的咒罵。凱萊布看著他，抬起雙眉。他笑出來(lái)，“別擔(dān)心，”他向他保證，“這種事很常見?！?