《渺小一生》:他忽然覺(jué)得很不自在

　 “Yes!” says Willem, triumphantly. “That’s her!”

“沒(méi)錯(cuò)！”威廉得意地說(shuō)，“就是她！”

　 “God, Willem, give me some credit; it was just last week.”

“老天，威廉，別那么瞧不起我吧，那不過(guò)是上星期的事?！?

　 “I know, I know. Well, anyway, here’s the thing—she’s interested in you.”

“我知道，我知道。唔，總之呢，事情是這樣的——她對(duì)你有興趣?！?

　 He is perplexed. “What do you mean?”

他沒(méi)搞懂：“什么意思？”

　 “She asked Robin if you were single.” He pauses. “I told her I didn’t think you were interested in seeing anyone, but I’d ask. So. I’m asking.”

“她跟羅賓問(wèn)起你是不是單身。”威廉停了一下，“我跟她說(shuō)我不認(rèn)為你有興趣跟任何人交往，但是我會(huì)問(wèn)問(wèn)。所以，現(xiàn)在我就在問(wèn)你了。”

　 The idea is so preposterous that it takes him a while to understand what Willem’s saying, and when he does, he stops, and laughs, embarrassed and disbelieving. “You’ve got to be kidding, Willem,” he says. “That’s ridiculous.”

這個(gè)想法實(shí)在太荒唐了，他花了好一會(huì)兒才搞懂威廉的意思，然后他停下腳步大笑，難為情又難以置信。“威廉，你一定是在開(kāi)玩笑?！彼f(shuō)，“這太荒謬了。”

　 “Why is it ridiculous?” asks Willem, suddenly serious. “Jude, why?”

“為什么荒謬？”威廉問(wèn)，忽然嚴(yán)肅起來(lái)，“裘德，為什么？”

　 “Willem,” he says, recovering himself. “It’s very flattering. But—” He winces and laughs again. “It’s absurd.”

“威廉，”他說(shuō)，平靜下來(lái)，“我覺(jué)得很榮幸。可是……”他扮了個(gè)鬼臉又大笑，“這真的太荒謬了?！?

　 “What is?” Willem says, and he can feel the conversation turn. “That someone should be attracted to you? This isn’t the first time this has happened, you know. You just can’t see it because you won’t let yourself.”

“哪里荒謬？”威廉說(shuō)，他可以感覺(jué)到這段對(duì)話(huà)轉(zhuǎn)向了，“是有人會(huì)被你吸引嗎？這種事又不是第一次。你看不到，是因?yàn)槟悴蛔屪约嚎吹?。?

　 He shakes his head. “Let’s talk about something else, Willem.”

他搖搖頭：“威廉，我們談點(diǎn)別的話(huà)題吧?！?

　 “No,” says Willem. “You’re not getting out of this one, Jude. Why is it ridiculous? Why is it absurd?”

“不，”威廉說(shuō)，“這回你別想逃避，裘德。為什么這樣很荒謬？為什么很荒唐？”

　 He is suddenly so uncomfortable that he actually does stop, right on the corner of Fifth and Forty-fifth, and starts scanning the avenue for a cab. But of course, there are no cabs.

他忽然覺(jué)得很不自在，完全停下了腳步，就在第五大道和45街的交叉口，他想找輛出租車(chē)。當(dāng)然，沒(méi)有出租車(chē)。

　 As he considers how to respond, he thinks back to a time a few days after that night in JB’s apartment, when he had asked Willem if JB had been correct, at least in some part: Did Willem resent him? Did he not tell them enough?

他正在思索該怎么回應(yīng)時(shí)，忽然想起在杰比公寓那一晚的幾天后，他曾問(wèn)威廉杰比是不是沒(méi)說(shuō)錯(cuò)，至少就某部分而言：威廉怨恨他嗎？因?yàn)樗嬖V他們的事情不夠多？

　 Willem had been silent for such a long time that he knew the answer even before he heard it. “Look, Jude,” Willem had said, slowly, “JB was—JB was out of his mind. I could never be sick of you. You don’t owe me your secrets.” He paused. “But, yes, I do wish you’d share more of yourself with me. Not so I could have the information but so, maybe, I could be of some help.” He stopped and looked at him. “That’s all.”

威廉沉默好久，還沒(méi)開(kāi)口，他就知道答案了。“聽(tīng)我說(shuō)，裘德，”當(dāng)時(shí)威廉緩緩地說(shuō)，“杰比當(dāng)時(shí)……當(dāng)時(shí)他發(fā)神經(jīng)了。我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)討厭你的。你沒(méi)有義務(wù)把秘密告訴我?！彼麜和Ｒ幌拢安贿^(guò)沒(méi)錯(cuò)，我的確希望你多告訴我一些你的事。不是我想知道，而是如果你說(shuō)了，那么或許我可以幫上一點(diǎn)忙。”他停下來(lái)看著他，“就這樣。”

　 Since then, he has tried to tell Willem more things. But there are so many topics that he has never discussed with anyone since Ana, now twenty-five years ago, that he finds he literally doesn’t have the language to do so. His past, his fears, what was done to him, what he has done to himself—they are subjects that can only be discussed in tongues he doesn’t speak: Farsi, Urdu, Mandarin, Portuguese. Once, he tried to write some things down, thinking that it might be easier, but it wasn’t—he is unclear how to explain himself to himself.

從那時(shí)開(kāi)始，他就試著告訴威廉更多事。但自打二十五年前安娜過(guò)世以來(lái)，有太多話(huà)題他根本沒(méi)跟人談過(guò)，他發(fā)現(xiàn)，他確實(shí)找不到字眼去描述。他的過(guò)去、他的恐懼、在他身上發(fā)生過(guò)的事情——這些話(huà)題只能用他不會(huì)講的語(yǔ)言談：波斯語(yǔ)、烏爾都語(yǔ)、中文、葡萄牙語(yǔ)。他一度試著寫(xiě)下來(lái)，覺(jué)得或許比較容易，結(jié)果并沒(méi)有——他不知道該怎么跟自己解釋這一切。

　 “You’ll find your own way to discuss what happened to you,” he remembers Ana saying. “You’ll have to, if you ever want to be close to anyone.” He wishes, as he often does, that he had let her talk to him, that he had let her teach him how to do it. His silence had begun as something protective, but over the years it has transformed into something near oppressive, something that manages him rather than the other way around. Now he cannot find a way out of it, even when he wants to. He imagines he is floating in a small bubble of water, encased on all sides by walls and ceilings and floors of ice, all many feet thick. He knows there is a way out, but he is unequipped; he has no tools to begin his work, and his hands scrabble uselessly against the ice’s slick. He had thought that by not saying who he was, he was making himself more palatable, less strange. But now, what he doesn’t say makes him stranger, an object of pity and even suspicion.

“你會(huì)找到自己的方法，去談你過(guò)去發(fā)生的事。”他還記得安娜所說(shuō)的話(huà)，“你非得找到不可，如果你想跟任何人親近的話(huà)?！彼髞?lái)常常希望自己當(dāng)時(shí)愿意跟她談，讓她教自己談的方法。他的沉默一開(kāi)始是一種保護(hù)，但經(jīng)過(guò)這些年，已經(jīng)轉(zhuǎn)變成某種近乎壓迫的東西，反過(guò)來(lái)控制他?，F(xiàn)在即使他想擺脫沉默，都沒(méi)辦法了。他想象自己浮在一個(gè)小水泡中，上下四周都凍成厚厚的冰墻，厚達(dá)數(shù)英尺。他知道有個(gè)辦法可以出去，但手上沒(méi)有工具；他不知道如何下手，于是雙手徒勞地在滑溜的冰上亂扒。他本來(lái)一直以為，只要不談自己的過(guò)去，他就會(huì)比較討人喜歡，也比較不奇怪。但現(xiàn)在，他沒(méi)講的部分卻讓他更奇怪，成為憐憫，甚至懷疑的目標(biāo)。

　 “Jude?” Willem prompts him. “Why is it absurd?”

“裘德？”威廉這會(huì)兒逼問(wèn)他，“為什么很荒謬？”

　 He shakes his head. “It just is.” He starts walking again.

他搖搖頭：“反正就是很荒謬?！彼珠_(kāi)始往前走。

　 For a block, they say nothing. Then Willem asks, “Jude, do you ever want to be with someone?”

兩人安靜地走了一個(gè)街區(qū)。然后威廉問(wèn)：“裘德，你想過(guò)要找個(gè)伴嗎？”

　 “I never thought I would.”

“我從沒(méi)想過(guò)我能找到。”