《渺小一生》:他一說出口就后悔了

　 “Because he doesn’t want them to know that he cuts himself, that’s why! And I didn’t know it was going to be this hard for him, Andy,” he said. “He never tells me anything! How was I supposed to know?”

“因為他不想讓他們知道他在割自己，這就是為什么！而且安迪，我不知道這件事會讓他這么難熬?！彼f，“他從來沒跟我提過！我怎么會曉得？”

　 “Because! You’re supposed to! Fucking use your brain, Willem!”

“因為！你應該要曉得的！他媽的用用你的腦子，威廉！”

　 “Don’t you fucking shout at me,” he shouted. “You’re just mad, Andy, because he’s your patient and you can’t fucking figure out a way to make him better and so you’re blaming me.”

“你他媽的不要跟我吼。”他吼回去，“安迪，你只是在生氣，因為他是你的病人。你想不出辦法讓他好過一點，你就來怪我。”

　 He regretted it the moment he said it, and in that instant they were both silent, panting into their phones. “Andy,” he began.

他一說出口就后悔了。那一刻，他們兩人都沉默下來，對著電話喘氣?！鞍驳稀！彼乳_口。

　 “Nope,” said Andy. “You’re right, Willem. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“不，”安迪說，“威廉，你說得沒錯。對不起，我很抱歉?！?

　 “No,” he said, “I’m sorry.” He was abruptly miserable, thinking of Jude in the ugly Lispenard Street bathroom. Before he had left, he had looked everywhere for Jude’s razors—beneath the toilet tank lid; in the back of the medicine cabinet; even under the drawers in the cupboard, taking each out and examining them from all angles—but couldn’t find them. But Andy was right—it was his responsibility. He should have done a better job. And he hadn’t, so really, he had failed.

“不，是我很抱歉?！彼鋈缓茈y過，想到裘德坐在利斯本納街丑陋的浴室里。他離開前，曾到處尋找裘德的刮胡刀片——找了水箱蓋底下、浴室醫(yī)藥柜后頭，甚至找過碗櫥抽屜底下，每一個抽屜都拉出來，檢查過各種角度——還是找不到。但安迪說得沒錯，這的確是他的責任。他應該做得更好。結果沒有，所以沒錯，他失敗了。

　 “No,” said Andy. “I’m really sorry, Willem; it’s totally inexcusable. And you’re right—I don’t know what to do.” He sounded tired. “It’s just that he’s had—he’s had such a shitty life, Willem. And he trusts you.”

“不，”安迪說，“威廉，我真的很抱歉，我完全沒有借口。而且你說得沒錯——我不知道該怎么辦?！彼目跉夂闷＞?，“只不過威廉，他以前——他以前過得那么糟，而且他信賴你?！?

　 “I know,” he mumbled. “I know he does.”

“我知道?！彼卣f，“我知道他信賴我?！?

　 So they’d worked out a plan, and when he got back home, he’d monitored Jude more closely than he had before, a process that had proved singularly unrevealing. Indeed, in the month or so after the adoption, Jude was different than he’d seen him before. He couldn’t exactly define how: except on rare occasions, he wasn’t ever able to determine the days Jude was unhappy and the days he wasn’t. It wasn’t as if he normally moped around and was unemotive and then, suddenly, wasn’t—his fundamental behavior and rhythms and gestures were the same as before. But something had changed, and for a brief period, he had the strange sensation that the Jude he knew had been replaced by another Jude, and that this other Jude, this changeling, was someone of whom he could ask anything, who might have funny stories about pets and friends and scrapes from childhood, who wore long sleeves only because he was cold and not because he was trying to hide something. He was determined to take Jude at his word as often and as much as he could: after all, he wasn’t his doctor. He was his friend. His job was to treat him as he wanted to be treated, not as a subject to be spied on.

于是他們擬出一個計劃。后來他回到紐約，就比以前更嚴密地監(jiān)視裘德，結果一無所獲。被收養(yǎng)后的那一個月左右，裘德跟以前很不一樣。他也說不上來是哪里不一樣。除了很偶爾的狀況，他難以判定裘德那天開心或不開心。裘德平常并不會無精打采、不露情緒，然后忽然間就變了個人——他的基本行為模式、節(jié)奏、姿勢還是跟以前一樣。但有些什么改變了。很短的一陣子，他有種奇怪的感覺，他認識的裘德換成另一個裘德，而這個新的、被偷換過來的裘德，他可以向他詢問任何事；這個裘德可能會講起寵物和朋友的趣事，以及童年的片段；這個裘德穿長袖是因為怕冷，而不是為了遮掩什么。他決心盡可能多相信裘德說的話：畢竟，他不是裘德的醫(yī)生，他只是裘德的朋友。他的任務是以裘德希望的方式對待他，而不是把他當成暗中監(jiān)視的對象。

　 And so, after a certain point, his vigilance diminished, and eventually, that other Jude departed, back to the land of fairies and enchantments, and the Jude he knew reclaimed his space. But then, every once in a while, there would be troubling reminders that what he knew of Jude was only what Jude allowed him to know: he called Jude daily when he was away shooting, usually at a prearranged time, and one day last year he had called and they’d had a normal conversation, Jude sounding no different than he always did, and the two of them laughing at one of Willem’s stories, when he heard in the background the clear and unmistakable intercom announcement of the sort one only hears at hospitals: “Paging Dr. Nesarian, Dr. Nesarian to OR Three.”

于是過了一陣子，他的警覺性逐漸消失了，但最終，另一個裘德離開了，回到童話和魔法的世界中去了，原先他認識的裘德回來了。每隔一陣子，就會有一些麻煩的狀況出現，提醒他：他認識的裘德，不過是裘德允許他知道的部分。他到外地拍戲時，每天都會打電話給裘德，通常是事先講好的時間。去年有一天，他們在電話中如常地聊天，裘德講話跟平常沒有兩樣，就在兩人為了威廉拍戲的趣事大笑時，他聽到背景中清楚無誤的廣播聲，只有醫(yī)院才會有：“呼叫納撒瑞安醫(yī)師。納撒瑞安醫(yī)師請到三號手術室?！?

　 “Jude?” he’d asked.

“裘德？”他問。

　 “Don’t worry, Willem,” he’d said. “I’m fine. I just have a slight infection; I think Andy’s gone a little crazy.”

“別擔心，威廉?！彼f，“我沒事，只是有一點輕微的感染。我覺得安迪有點太緊張了?！?

　 “What kind of infection? Jesus, Jude!”

“什么樣的感染？老天啊，裘德！”

　 “A blood infection, but it’s nothing. Honestly, Willem, if it was serious, I would’ve told you.”

“血液感染，但是沒什么。老實說，威廉，如果真的嚴重，我會告訴你的?！?

　 “No, you fucking wouldn’t have, Jude. A blood infection is serious.”

“不，你他媽的才不會告訴我，裘德。血液感染就很嚴重了。”

　 He was silent. “I would’ve, Willem.”

他沉默了一會兒：“威廉，我會告訴你的?！?

　 “Does Harold know?”

“哈羅德知道嗎？”

　 “No,” he said, sharply. “And you’re not to tell him.”

“不，”他說，忽然很兇，“你不可以告訴他?！?

　 Exchanges like this left him stunned and bothered, and he spent the rest of the evening trying to remember the previous week’s conversations, picking through them for clues that something might have been amiss and he might have simply, stupidly overlooked it. In more generous, wondering moments, he imagined Jude as a magician whose sole trick was concealment, but every year, he got better and better at it, so that now he had only to bring one wing of the silken cape he wore before his eyes and he would become instantly invisible, even to those who knew him best. But at other times, he bitterly resented this trick, the year-after-year exhaustion of keeping Jude’s secrets and yet never being given anything in return but the meanest smidges of information, of not being allowed the opportunity to even try to help him, to publicly worry about him. This isn’t fair, he would think in those moments. This isn’t friendship. It’s something, but it’s not friendship. He felt he had been hustled into a game of complicity, one he never intended to play. Everything Jude communicated to them indicated that he didn’t want to be helped. And yet he couldn’t accept that. The question was how you ignored someone’s request to be left alone—even if it meant jeopardizing the friendship. It was a wretched little koan: How can you help someone who won’t be helped while realizing that if you don’t try to help, then you’re not being a friend at all? Talk to me, he sometimes wanted to shout at Jude. Tell me things. Tell me what I need to do to make you talk to me.

這類對話事后總讓他震驚而困擾。接下來整個傍晚，他都在努力回想上星期的對話，仔細尋找任何不對勁，任何因為自己的愚蠢而忽略掉的線索。在比較寬容而好奇的時刻，他會把裘德想象成一個魔術師，唯一的招數就是隱瞞，但隨著每一年過去，他的本事越來越厲害，現在他只要拉起絲制斗篷的一角遮在眼前，整個人就會立刻隱形，就連最了解他的人都看不到。但在其他時候，他好恨這個招數，一年又一年費心地幫裘德保密，除了極少的信息，他從來沒能得到什么重大消息，連試著幫他、公然表示憂慮的機會都沒有。這樣不公平，在那些時候他會想，這不是友誼。這是某種別的東西，但不是友誼。他覺得自己被硬推進某個他從來不想玩的共謀游戲里。裘德跟他們溝通的一切，都顯示他不想接受幫忙。然而，他無法接受。問題在于，某個人要求你別煩他，你要如何置之不理，即使這會危及你們的友誼。這是個棘手的兩難問題：你要怎么幫助一個不想被幫助的人，同時明白如果你不試著幫忙，那么你根本算不上朋友？他有時真想朝裘德大吼，跟我談一談。把事情告訴我，告訴我該怎么做，才能讓你跟我談。

　 Once, at a party, he had overheard Jude tell someone that he told him, Willem, everything, and he had been both flattered and perplexed, because really: he knew nothing. It was sometimes incredible to him how much he cared about someone who refused to tell him any of the things friends shared with each other—how he had lived before they met, what he feared, what he craved, who he was attracted to, the mortifications and sadnesses of daily life. In the absence of talking to Jude himself, he often wished he could talk to Harold about Jude, and figure out how much he knew, and whether, if they—and Andy—braided together all their knowledge, they might be able to find some sort of solution. But this was dreaming: Jude would never forgive him, and instead of the connection he did have with him, he would have none at all.

有回在派對上，他無意間聽到裘德跟某個人說他會告訴威廉所有事，當時他一方面覺得很得意，一方面又很困惑，因為其實他什么都不知道。有時他覺得不可思議，他居然會這么關心一個人，即使他拒絕說出朋友間會分享的事情——他們認識前他過著什么樣的生活、他害怕什么、他渴望什么、他受什么樣的人吸引、日常生活的煩惱和悲傷。因為裘德自己不肯談，有時他真希望跟哈羅德談談裘德，搞清楚他知道多少，同時看他們和安迪能不能把各自了解的事情拼湊起來，或許可以得到一些解答。但這只是夢想：要是真這么做，裘德永遠不會原諒他，他們之間原本的聯系也會消失殆盡。