《渺小一生》:這就是他想要的嗎？赦免？

　 He finished the last tie and brought himself to his feet, Harold deliberately not helping him. “I don’t want to tell you this,” he said, and looked down at the forsythia, its bare twiggy ugliness. “But I have to because—because I don’t want to be deceitful with you. But Harold—I think you think I’m one kind of person, and I’m not.”

他綁完了最后一個結(jié)，吃力地站起身子，哈羅德刻意不幫他。“我不想跟你說這件事。”他說，低頭看著連翹，那些光禿而細(xì)瘦的樹枝好丑，“但是我一定得講，因為，因為我不想欺騙你。哈羅德，我想你以為我是某一種人，而我不是。”

　 Harold was quiet. “What kind of person do I think you are?”

哈羅德沉默了一會：“我認(rèn)為你是哪一種人？”

　 “A good person,” he said. “Someone decent.”

“好人。”他說，“像樣的人。”

　 “Well,” said Harold, “you’re right. I do.”

“唔，”哈羅德說，“沒錯，我是這樣想的。”

　 “But—I’m not,” he said, and could feel his eyes grow hot, despite the cold. “I’ve done things that—that good people don’t do,” he continued, lamely. “And I just think you should know that about me. That I’ve done terrible things, things I’m ashamed of, and if you knew, you’d be ashamed to know me, much less be related to me.”

“但——我不是。”他說，可以感覺到自己的雙眼發(fā)熱，盡管天氣很冷，“我做過一些事情是，是好人不會做的。”他小聲地說，“我只是覺得你應(yīng)該知道關(guān)于我的這一點。我做過很可怕的事，讓我羞愧的事。你要是知道了，會很后悔認(rèn)識我，更別說跟我扯上關(guān)系了。”

　 “Jude,” Harold said at last. “I can’t imagine anything you might have done that would change the way I feel about you. I don’t care what you did before. Or rather—I do care; I would love to hear about your life before we met. But I’ve always had the feeling, the very strong feeling, that you never wanted to discuss it.” He stopped and waited. “Do you want to discuss it now? Do you want to tell me?”

“裘德，”哈羅德終于說，“我無法想象你做過的任何事會改變我對你的感覺。我不在乎你以前做過什么。或者應(yīng)該說，我其實在乎，我很想聽聽你認(rèn)識我以前的人生。但我總有個感覺，非常強(qiáng)烈的感覺，就是你絕對不想談。”他停下來等著，“你想現(xiàn)在談嗎？你想告訴我嗎？”

　 He shook his head. He wanted to and didn’t want to, both. “I can’t,” he said. Beneath the small of his back, he felt the first unfurlings of discomfort, a blackened seed spreading its thorned branches. Not now, he begged himself, not now, a plea as impossible as the plea he really meant: Not now, not ever.

他搖搖頭。他想談，也不想談。“我做不到。”他說。在他后腰下方，他感到第一股不舒服開始出現(xiàn)，一顆發(fā)黑的種子伸出它帶刺的樹枝。不要現(xiàn)在發(fā)作，他向自己哀求，現(xiàn)在不要。那懇求就像他真正的意思一樣不可能：現(xiàn)在不要，永遠(yuǎn)都不要。

　 “Well,” Harold sighed, “in the absence of specifics, I won’t be able to reassure you specifically, so I’m just going to give you a blanket, all-encompassing reassurance, which I hope you’ll believe. Jude: whatever it is, whatever you did, I promise you, whether you someday tell me or not, that it will never make me regret wanting or having you as a member of my family.” He took a deep breath, held his right hand before him. “Jude St. Francis, as your future parent, I hereby absolve you of—of everything for which you seek absolution.”

“唔，”哈羅德說，“因為缺乏確切的細(xì)節(jié)，我也沒法確切跟你保證，所以我就給你一個概括性、全方位的保證好了，而且我希望你能相信。裘德：無論是什么事，無論你做過什么，我跟你保證，無論你以后會不會告訴我，我想讓你成為我家里的一分子，絕對不會后悔。”他深吸一口氣，舉起右手，“裘德·圣弗朗西斯，我以你未來父親的身份，在此赦免你——赦免所有你想尋求赦免的事情。”

　 And was this what he in fact wanted? Absolution? He looked at Harold’s face, so familiar he could remember its every furrow when he closed his eyes, and which, despite the flourishes and formality of his declaration, was serious and unsmiling. Could he believe Harold? The hardest thing is not finding the knowledge, Brother Luke once said to him after he’d confessed he was having difficulty believing in God. The hardest thing is believing it. He felt he had failed once again: failed to confess properly, failed to determine in advance what he wanted to hear in response. Wouldn’t it have been easier in a way if Harold had told him that he was right, that they should perhaps rethink the adoption? He would have been devastated, of course, but it would have been an old sensation, something he understood. In Harold’s refusal to let him go lay a future he couldn’t imagine, one in which someone might really want him for good, and that was a reality that he had never experienced before, for which he had no preparation, no signposts. Harold would lead and he would follow, until one day he would wake and Harold would be gone, and he would be left vulnerable and stranded in a foreign land, with no one there to guide him home.

這就是他想要的嗎？赦免？他看著哈羅德的臉，熟悉得連閉上眼都記得他臉上的每道溝紋；盡管剛剛的宣告那么夸張又那么正式、嚴(yán)肅、毫無新意。他能相信哈羅德嗎？最難的事情不是找到答案，盧克修士有回跟他坦承自己很難相信上帝之后這么說，而是找到之后要相信。他覺得自己再度失敗了：他沒有適當(dāng)?shù)靥拱滓磺校瑳]有事先確定自己想要聽到哪種答案。如果哈羅德跟他說他是對的，說他們或許應(yīng)該重新考慮收養(yǎng)的事情，那么就某種意義而言，他不是會比較好過嗎？當(dāng)然，他會非常震驚，但那是以前就體驗過、已經(jīng)了解的感覺。哈羅德不肯放開他，就等于提出一個他無法想象的未來；在那個未來中，某個人可能真的希望永遠(yuǎn)接納他。但那種現(xiàn)實是他從來不曾體驗過的，所以他毫無準(zhǔn)備，沒有路標(biāo)可以參考。于是哈羅德走在前面領(lǐng)路，他跟在后面。直到有一天他醒來，哈羅德不見了，他會毫無防備地被困在一片陌生的土地中，沒有人可以指引他回家。

　 Harold was waiting for his reply, but the pain was now unignorable, and he knew he had to rest. “Harold,” he said. “I’m sorry. But I think—I think I’d better go lie down for a while.”

哈羅德等待他的回答，但他已經(jīng)痛到無法忍受，也知道自己必須休息。“哈羅德，”他說，“對不起，我想，我想我最好去躺一會兒。”

　 “Go,” said Harold, unoffended, “go.”

“去吧。”哈羅德說，并沒有不高興，“去吧。”

　 In his room, he lies down atop the comforter and closes his eyes, but even after the episode ends, he’s exhausted, and tells himself he’ll nap for just a few minutes and then get up again and see what Harold has in the house: if he has brown sugar, he’ll bake something—there was a bowl of persimmons in the kitchen, and maybe he’ll make a persimmon cake.

他回到自己的房間，躺在薄被上，閉上眼睛，但直到疼痛發(fā)作結(jié)束，他還是筋疲力盡。他告訴自己只能小睡幾分鐘，就要起來看哈羅德家里有什么材料，如果有紅糖，他就要烘焙點心，廚房里有一缽柿子，或許他可以烤個柿子蛋糕。

　 But he doesn’t wake up. Not when Harold comes to check on him in the next hour and places the back of his hand against his cheek and then drapes a blanket over him; not when Harold checks on him again, right before dinner. He sleeps through his phone ringing at midnight and again at six a.m., and through the house phone ringing at twelve thirty and then at six thirty, and Harold’s conversations with first Andy and then Willem. He sleeps into the morning, and through lunch, and only wakes when he feels Harold’s hand on his shoulder and hears Harold saying his name, telling him his flight’s leaving in a few hours.

但是他沒有醒來。一個小時后，哈羅德進(jìn)來查看，把手背貼在他臉頰，然后幫他蓋了條毯子，他沒有醒；晚餐過后，哈羅德又進(jìn)來查看了一次，他也沒有醒。他一直沒有醒來，半夜12點電話響了，然后是清晨6點，同時固定電話在12點半和清晨6點半也都響過，于是哈羅德先是跟安迪、接著跟威廉講了電話。他一直睡，睡過了上午，睡過了午餐時間，直到最后，他感覺到哈羅德的手放在他肩膀上喊他的名字，跟他說他的航班再過兩三個小時就要起飛，這才醒來。

　 Before he wakes, he dreams of a man standing in a field. He can’t see the man’s features, but he is tall and thin, and he’s helping another, older man hitch the hulk of a tractor carapace to the back of a truck. He knows he’s in Montana from the whitened, curved-bowl vastness of the sky, and from the particular kind of cold there, which is completely without moisture and which feels somehow purer than cold he’s felt anywhere else.

醒來之前，他夢到一個男人站在一片田野里。他看不到那個男人的臉，但是那人高而瘦，正在幫另一個比較老的男人把一臺曳引機(jī)的笨重車殼鉤在一輛卡車后頭。他知道地點是在蒙大拿州，因為有一片發(fā)白、圓碗狀的遼闊天空，還有那種獨有的寒冷：完全沒有濕氣，比他去過所有地方的冷都更純粹。

　 He still can’t see the man’s features, but he thinks he knows who he is, recognizes his long strides and his way of crossing his arms in front of him as he listens to the other man. “Cody,” he calls out in his dream, and the man turns, but he’s too far away, and so he can’t quite tell if, under the brim of the man’s baseball cap, they share the same face.

他還是看不到那個男人的臉，但他覺得自己知道他是誰，認(rèn)出了他長長的步伐和雙臂交抱聽老男人講話的姿勢。“科迪。”他在夢中喊道。那男人轉(zhuǎn)身，但他離得太遠(yuǎn)了，不太確定那男人棒球帽的帽檐底下，是不是一張跟他一樣的臉。

　 The fifteenth is a Friday, which he takes off from work. There had been some talk of a dinner party on Thursday night, but in the end, they settle on an early lunch the day of the ceremony (as JB calls it). Their court appointment is at ten, and after it’s over, everyone will come back to the house to eat.

二月十五日是星期五，這一天他請了假。本來大家考慮在星期四晚上舉行晚餐派對，但最后還是決定在儀式（杰比這么稱呼）之后再辦一場早午宴。法院排定的時間是10點，等程序結(jié)束，大家就回到哈羅德家吃飯。

　 Harold had wanted to call a caterer, but he insisted he’d cook, and he spends the remains of Thursday evening in the kitchen. He does the baking that night—the chocolate-walnut cake Harold likes; the tarte tatin Julia likes; the sourdough bread they both like—and picks through ten pounds of crab and mixes the meat with egg and onion and parsley and bread crumbs and forms them into patties. He cleans the potatoes and gives the carrots a quick scrub, and chops the ends off the brussels sprouts, so that the next day all he’ll have to do is toss them in oil and shove them into the oven. He shakes the cartons of figs into a bowl, which he’ll roast and serve over ice cream topped with honey and balsamic vinaigrette. They are all of Harold and Julia’s favorite dishes, and he is glad to make them, glad to have something to give them, however small. Throughout the evening, Harold and Julia wander in and out, and although he tells them not to, they wash dishes and pans as he dirties them, pour him glasses of water and wine, and ask if they can help him, even though he tells them they should relax. Finally they leave for bed, and although he promises them that he will as well, he instead stays up, the kitchen bright and silent around him, singing quietly, his hands moving to keep the mania at bay.

哈羅德本來想找外燴廚師，但他堅持要做菜，于是整個星期四傍晚他都在廚房里忙。當(dāng)天晚上他做了烘焙——哈羅德喜歡的巧克力核桃蛋糕；朱麗婭喜歡的反轉(zhuǎn)蘋果塔；酸面團(tuán)面包則是他們夫婦兩個都愛的——然后把十磅螃蟹的蟹肉剔出來，加上雞蛋、洋蔥、西芹和面包丁，做成蟹肉餅。他把馬鈴薯洗干凈，又迅速刷好胡蘿卜，切掉抱子甘藍(lán)的梗，這樣次日他只要用油拌過、放進(jìn)烤箱就好了。他把幾盒無花果倒進(jìn)一個大缽，打算烤過后，放在冰淇淋上，再淋上蜂蜜和意大利陳年酒醋醬。這些都是哈羅德和朱麗婭最喜歡吃的，他很高興能準(zhǔn)備這些，很高興自己有東西可以送給他們，無論是多小的東西。一整夜，哈羅德和朱麗婭不時走進(jìn)廚房逗留。盡管他叫他們不要管，他們還是在旁邊幫忙洗他用過的盤子和鍋子，倒水或葡萄酒給他，還問能不能幫上忙，不管他一直要他們放輕松。最后他們終于去睡覺，他保證他也會去睡。結(jié)果他繼續(xù)熬夜，在明亮寂靜的廚房里小聲唱著歌，雙手忙碌著，防止自己陷入瘋狂。

　 The past few days have been very difficult, some of the most difficult he can remember, so difficult that one night he even called Andy after their midnight check-in, and when Andy offered to meet him at a diner at two a.m., he accepted the offer and went, desperate to get himself out of the apartment, which suddenly seemed full of irresistible temptations: razors, of course, but also knives and scissors and matches, and staircases to throw himself down. He knows that if he goes to his room now, he won’t be able to stop himself from heading directly to the bathroom, where he has long kept a bag, its contents identical to the one at Lispenard Street, taped to the sink’s undercarriage: his arms ache with yearning, and he is determined not to give in. He has both dough and batter left over, and decides he’ll make a tart with pine nuts and cranberries, and maybe a round flat cake glazed with slices of oranges and honey: by the time both are done baking, it will almost be daylight and he will be past danger and will have sucessfully saved himself.

過去幾天非常難熬，有些甚至可以列入他記憶中最難熬的時刻。他難受到有天夜里接到安迪12點的查勤電話后，又打過去。安迪提議凌晨2點跟他在一家小餐館碰面，他接受了，只想趕緊逃離他的公寓，因為里頭忽然充滿種種無法抗拒的誘惑：當(dāng)然有刮胡刀片，但也有刀子、剪刀、火柴，還有可以讓自己摔下去的樓梯。眼前是在哈羅德的廚房里，他知道如果回到自己的房間，他就無法阻止自己直接進(jìn)入浴室。他一直在里頭藏了一個袋子，里頭裝的東西跟利斯本納街那個袋子一模一樣，就貼在水槽的底架上。他的手臂渴望得發(fā)痛，但他決心不要投降。他還剩下一些面團(tuán)和面糊，決定加上松子和蔓越莓做一個水果塔，或許再做個圓形海綿蛋糕，覆上柳橙片和蜂蜜。等兩個都烤好，應(yīng)該就快天亮了。那樣他就可以度過危險，成功拯救自己。

　 Malcolm and JB will both be at the courthouse the next day; they’re taking the morning flight. But Willem, who was supposed to be there, won’t; he called the week before to say filming had been delayed, and he’ll now be coming home on the eighteenth, not the fourteenth. He knows there’s nothing to be done about this, but still, he mourns Willem’s absence almost fiercely: a day like this without Willem won’t be a day at all. “Call me the second it’s over,” Willem had said. “It’s killing me I can’t be there.”

馬爾科姆和杰比明天都會搭早班飛機(jī)去法院跟他們會合。倒是本來該到場的威廉卻不會來了，他上星期打電話來，說拍片進(jìn)度延遲，要十八日才能回家，而不是原定的十四日。他知道這是沒辦法的事，但威廉的缺席還是讓他難過得要命：這么重大的一天卻少了威廉，一切簡直變得無意義了。“結(jié)束后馬上打電話給我。”之前威廉跟他說，“真受不了，我居然沒辦法趕到。”

　 He did, however, invite Andy in one of their midnight conversations, which he grew to enjoy: in those talks, they discussed everyday things, calming things, normal things—the new Supreme Court justice nominee; the most recent health-care bill (he approved of it; Andy didn’t); a biography of Rosalind Franklin they’d both read (he liked it; Andy didn’t); the apartment that Andy and Jane were renovating. He liked the novelty of hearing Andy say, with real outrage, “Jude, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!,” which he was used to hearing when being confronted about his cutting, or his amateurish bandaging skills, instead applied to his opinions about movies, and the mayor, and books, and even paint colors. Once he learned that Andy wouldn’t use their talks as an occasion to reprimand him, or lecture him, he relaxed into them, and even managed to learn some more things about Andy himself: Andy spoke of his twin, Beckett, also a doctor, a heart surgeon, who lived in San Francisco and whose boyfriend Andy hated and was scheming to get Beckett to dump; and how Jane’s parents were giving them their house on Shelter Island; and how Andy had been on the football team in high school, the very Americanness of which had made his parents uneasy; and how he had spent his junior year abroad in Siena, where he dated a girl from Lucca and gained twenty pounds. It wasn’t that he and Andy never spoke of Andy’s personal life—they did to some extent after every appointment—but on the phone he talked more, and he was able to pretend that Andy was only his friend and not his doctor, despite the fact that this illusion was belied by the call’s very premise.

不過，他有次在午夜的談話開口邀請了安迪。他逐漸喜歡上這段時光：在那些談話里，他們會討論日常、平靜、普通的事情，例如剛被提名的最高法院大法官候選人、最近的醫(yī)療法案（他贊成，安迪則不）、一本他們都讀過的羅莎琳德·富蘭克林（Rosalind Franklin）傳記（他喜歡，安迪則不）、安迪和簡正在重新裝潢的公寓。他喜歡聽到安迪帶著真正的憤慨說“裘德，你他媽的一定是在跟我開玩笑”，感覺很新奇，因為他以前聽到安迪講這句話，總是在質(zhì)問他的割傷，或是看到他外行的包扎技巧，而不是聽到他發(fā)表關(guān)于電影、市長、書籍，甚至油漆顏色的意見。一旦他知道安迪不會利用這段談話時間斥責(zé)他，或跟他說教，他就放松了，甚至得知了更多安迪本人的事情：安迪談到他的雙胞胎兄弟貝克特也是醫(yī)生，心臟外科醫(yī)生，住在舊金山；安迪很討厭他的男朋友，正在設(shè)計甩掉貝克特；談到簡的父母要把長島東端謝爾特島的房子送給他們；談到安迪高中時加入美式橄欖球校隊，這種極富美國人風(fēng)格的運動使他爸媽很不安；還談到他大三時曾到意大利錫耶納當(dāng)交換學(xué)生，他在那里跟一個來自盧卡的女孩交往，胖了二十磅。他們以前不是沒談過安迪的私生活——每次約診都會聊——但通過電話，他們談得更多，也可以假裝安迪只是他的朋友而非他的醫(yī)生，即使安迪打電話來的前提恰恰可以推翻這個錯覺。