《渺小一生》:“我不知道要怎么處理這幅畫?！?/h1>

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2020年03月25日

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　 But JB couldn’t, or wouldn’t, and finally he had gotten up and left, and JB hadn’t tried to stop him.

但杰比沒辦法，或者不愿意道歉。最后他站起來離開，杰比也沒有試圖阻止他。

　 After that, he simply stopped speaking to JB. Willem had made his own approach, and the two of them (as Willem told him) had actually begun shouting at each other in the street, and then Willem, too, had stopped speaking to JB, and so from then on, they had to rely primarily on Malcolm for news of JB. Malcolm, typically noncommittal, had admitted to them that he thought JB was totally in the wrong, while at the same time suggesting that they were both being unrealistic: “You know he’s not going to apologize, Judy,” he said. “This is JB we’re talking about. You’re wasting your time.”

之后，他再也不跟杰比說話了。威廉也去找杰比談過。根據(jù)威廉的說法，他們兩個(gè)最后就在馬路上吼來吼去，然后威廉也不跟杰比講話了。所以從那時(shí)開始，他們主要是靠馬爾科姆得知杰比的消息。馬爾科姆還是一如往常地不表態(tài)，但也坦承他認(rèn)為這件事錯(cuò)的絕對(duì)是杰比，同時(shí)又暗示他們兩個(gè)太不切實(shí)際。“小裘，你明知道他不會(huì)道歉的，”他說，“這可是杰比啊。你只是在浪費(fèi)時(shí)間而已?！?

　 “Am I being unreasonable?” he asked Willem after this conversation.

“我要求他道歉過分嗎？”跟馬爾科姆談話之后，他問威廉。

　 “No,” Willem said, immediately. “It’s fucked up, Jude. He fucked up, and he needs to apologize.”

“不?！蓖⒖陶f，“這件事太扯了，裘德。他太扯了，而且他一定要道歉?！?

　 The show sold out. Willem and the Girl was delivered to him at work, as was Willem and Jude, Lispenard Street, II, which Willem had bought. Jude, After Sickness (the title, when he learned it, had made him so newly angry and humiliated that for a moment he experienced what the saying “blind with rage” meant) was sold to a collector whose purchases were considered benedictions and predictive of future success: he only bought from artists’ debut shows, and almost every artist whose work he had bought had gone on to have a major career. Only the show’s centerpiece, Jude with Cigarette, remained unplaced, and this was due to a shockingly amateurish error, in which the director of the gallery had sold it to an important British collector and the owner of the gallery had sold it to the Museum of Modern Art.

那次展覽的畫全數(shù)賣光。他買的《威廉與女孩》和威廉買的《威廉與裘德，利斯本納街，II》都送到了他的辦公室?！遏玫?，病后》（他后來知道畫名，心底又生起一股怒火和羞辱感，霎時(shí)體驗(yàn)到所謂“氣得盲目”是什么意思）被某個(gè)收藏家買走。他的購(gòu)買向來被視為祝福和未來獲得成功的預(yù)言：他只買藝術(shù)家首展的作品，而且被他買下作品的藝術(shù)家后來大都發(fā)展得不錯(cuò)。只有展覽中最重要的作品《拿著香煙的裘德》還沒確定歸屬。這是因?yàn)橐粋€(gè)非?？膳碌耐庑绣e(cuò)誤：畫廊經(jīng)理把這幅畫賣給一位重要的英國(guó)收藏家，畫廊老板卻把它賣給了紐約的現(xiàn)代藝術(shù)博物館。

　 “So, perfect,” Willem said to Malcolm, knowing Malcolm would ferry his words back to JB. “JB should tell the gallery that he’s keeping the painting, and he should just give it to Jude.”

“所以，好極了?！蓖R爾科姆說，知道馬爾科姆會(huì)把他的話轉(zhuǎn)達(dá)給杰比，“杰比應(yīng)該跟畫廊說，那幅畫他要自己留著，而且應(yīng)該把它送給裘德。”

　 “He can’t do that,” Malcolm said, as appalled as if Willem had suggested simply tossing the canvas into a trash can. “It’s MoMA.”

“他不能這么做。”馬爾科姆說，嚇得好像威廉是在建議把那幅畫丟到垃圾桶里，“那是紐約現(xiàn)代藝術(shù)博物館啊?！?

　 “Who cares?” Willem asked. “If he’s that fucking good, he’ll have another shot at MoMA. But I’m telling you, Malcolm, this is really the only solution he has left if he wants to keep Jude as a friend.” He paused. “And me, too.”

“誰在乎？”威廉說，“如果他真的那么厲害，還是有機(jī)會(huì)進(jìn)現(xiàn)代藝術(shù)博物館。不過馬爾科姆，我告訴你，如果他想保住裘德這個(gè)朋友，真的只有這個(gè)解決辦法。”

　 So Malcolm conveyed that message, and the prospect of losing Willem as a friend had been enough to make JB call Willem and demand a meeting, at which JB had cried and accused Willem of betraying him, and always taking Jude’s side, and obviously not giving a shit about his, JB’s, career, when he, JB, had always supported Willem’s.

于是馬爾科姆傳了話。想到可能失去威廉這個(gè)朋友，足以讓杰比打電話給威廉要求碰面。見面時(shí)杰比哭了，還控訴威廉背叛他，總是站到裘德那一邊，根本不在乎杰比的事業(yè)，而杰比向來很支持威廉的事業(yè)。

　 All of this had taken place over months, as spring turned into summer, and he and Willem had gone to Truro without JB (and without Malcolm, who told them he was afraid of leaving JB on his own), and JB had gone to the Irvines’ in Aquinnah over Memorial Day and they had gone over the Fourth of July, and he and Willem had taken the long-planned trip to Croatia and Turkey by themselves.

這一切耗上了好幾個(gè)月。當(dāng)春天轉(zhuǎn)入夏天時(shí)，他和威廉去了特魯羅度假，沒有杰比（也沒有馬爾科姆，他說他很怕留下杰比一個(gè)人）。杰比跟馬爾科姆一家人去馬撒葡萄園的阿奎納過五月底的陣亡將士紀(jì)念日假期和七月四日國(guó)慶節(jié)假期，而他和威廉則踏上了計(jì)劃已久的克羅地亞和土耳其之旅。

　 And then it was fall, and by the time Willem and JB had their second meeting, Willem had suddenly and unexpectedly booked his first film role, playing the king in an adaptation of The Girl with the Silver Hands and was leaving to shoot in Sofia in January, and he had gotten a promotion at work and had been approached by a partner at Cromwell Thurman Grayson and Ross, one of the best corporate firms in the city, and was having to use the wheelchair Andy had gotten him that May more often than not, and Willem had broken up with his girlfriend of a year and was dating a costume designer named Philippa, and his former fellow law clerk, Kerrigan, had written a mass e-mail to everyone he had ever worked with in which he simultaneously came out and denounced conservatism, and Harold had been asking him who was coming over for Thanksgiving this year, and if he could stay a night after whoever he invited had left, because he and Julia needed to talk about something with him, and he had seen plays with Malcolm and gallery shows with Willem and had read novels that he would have argued about with JB, as the two of them were the novel-readers of the group: a whole list of things the four of them would have once picked over together that they now instead discussed in twos or threes. At first, it had been disorienting, after so many years of operating as a foursome, but he had gotten used to it, and although he missed JB—his witty self-involvement, the way he could see everything the world had to offer only as it might affect him—he also found himself unable to forgive him and, simultaneously, able to see his life without him.

然后是秋天，威廉和杰比第二度碰面。在此之前，威廉很意外地獲得了他的第一部電影片約，飾演格林童話改編的《銀手姑娘》里的國(guó)王，一月就要去保加利亞的首都索非亞拍片；他在工作上獲得晉升，全紐約最好的大型律師事務(wù)所之一克瑟葛羅的一位合伙人也來找他加入，但同時(shí)，他偶爾不得不開始使用安迪在五月幫他買的輪椅。此外，威廉和交往一年的女友分手，開始跟服裝設(shè)計(jì)師菲莉帕在一起；還有他以前當(dāng)法官助理時(shí)的同事克里根發(fā)了一封電子郵件給所有曾與他共事的人，在信中出柜，同時(shí)還譴責(zé)了保守主義；哈羅德一直在問今年感恩節(jié)有誰會(huì)來，還問他同行的人離開之后，能不能留下來住一夜，因?yàn)樗椭禧悑I有事要跟他談?wù)劇＿@幾個(gè)月，他和馬爾科姆去看舞臺(tái)劇，和威廉去看畫展，另外還讀了幾本小說。以前他都是跟杰比討論，因?yàn)樗膫€(gè)朋友里就他們兩個(gè)最愛看小說。有好多事情以前他們四個(gè)會(huì)一起討論，但現(xiàn)在都是其中兩個(gè)或三個(gè)人討論。一開始他們有點(diǎn)無所適從，畢竟這么多年都是四人行，但他逐漸習(xí)慣了，而且就算他想念杰比——包括他的機(jī)智和自我中心，他有本事只看到這個(gè)世界可能影響他的事情——他也發(fā)現(xiàn)自己無法原諒他，甚至他已經(jīng)完全可以接受沒有杰比的生活。

　 And now, he supposed, their fight was over, and the painting was his. Willem came down with him to the office that Saturday and he unwrapped it and leaned it against the wall and the two of them regarded it in silence, as if it were a rare and inert zoo animal. This was the painting that had been reproduced in the Times review and, later, the Artforum story, but it wasn’t until now, in the safety of his office, that he was able to truly appreciate it—if he could forget it was him, he could almost see how lovely an image it was, and why JB would have been attracted to it: for the strange person in it who looked so frightened and watchful, who was discernibly neither female nor male, whose clothes looked borrowed, who was mimicking the gestures and postures of adulthood while clearly understanding nothing of them. He no longer felt anything for that person, but not feeling anything for that person had been a conscious act of will, like turning away from someone in the street even though you saw them constantly, and pretending you couldn’t see them day after day until one day, you actually couldn’t—or so you could make yourself believe.

而現(xiàn)在，他想他們的吵架結(jié)束了，這幅畫是他的了。那個(gè)星期六，威廉跟他去辦公室，他把畫拆開來靠在墻上，兩人沉默地看了好久，好像那是一只不會(huì)動(dòng)的動(dòng)物園動(dòng)物。這幅畫曾登上《紐約時(shí)報(bào)》的藝評(píng)版，稍后《藝術(shù)論壇》也有報(bào)道，但是直到現(xiàn)在，它平安地抵達(dá)他的辦公室之后，他才有辦法真正欣賞它。如果他能忘記里頭畫的是自己，他幾乎可以看出這張畫有多美好，也明白杰比為什么會(huì)被這個(gè)畫面吸引：畫中的陌生人一副害怕又提防的模樣，無法分辨是男是女，衣服像是借來的，模仿著成人的動(dòng)作和姿態(tài)，但顯然對(duì)兩者一點(diǎn)也不了解。他對(duì)畫中那人再也沒有任何感覺，但這種沒感覺是刻意靠意志才辦到的。就像你常常在街上碰到一個(gè)人，卻故意不去看，隨著一天天過去，都假裝看不到，直到有一天，你真的看不到此人了，或者你讓自己相信你看不到。

　 “I don’t know what I’m going to do with it,” he admitted to Willem, regretfully, because he didn’t want the painting, and yet felt guilty that Willem had axed JB out of his life on his behalf, and for something he knew he would never look at again.

“我不知道要怎么處理這幅畫?！彼蛲钩校芎蠡?，因?yàn)樗幌胍@幅畫，而且很內(nèi)疚威廉之前為了他跟杰比絕交，為了一個(gè)他知道自己不會(huì)再看的東西。

　 “Well,” said Willem, and there was a silence. “You could always give it to Harold; I’m sure he’d love it.” And he knew then that Willem had perhaps always known that he didn’t want the painting, and that it hadn’t mattered to him, that he hadn’t regretted choosing him over JB, that he didn’t blame him for having to make that decision.

“嗯，”威廉沉默了一會(huì)兒說，“反正你可以送給哈羅德，我很確定他一定會(huì)很喜歡?！彼@才明白，威廉或許一直都清楚他不想要這幅畫，而且他不在意，也不后悔選擇了他而非杰比，更沒有因?yàn)楸仨氉鲞@個(gè)選擇而怪他。

　 “I could,” he said slowly, although he knew he wouldn’t: Harold would indeed love it (he had when he had seen the show) and would hang it somewhere prominent, and whenever he went to visit him, he would have to look at it. “I’m sorry, Willem,” he said at last, “I’m sorry to drag you down here. I think I’ll leave it here until I figure out what to do.”

“是啊?！彼従彽卣f，但他知道他不會(huì)這么做。哈羅德會(huì)很喜歡這幅畫（他當(dāng)初看展時(shí)就非常喜歡了），還會(huì)把畫掛在顯眼的位置。這么一來，每回他去拜訪哈羅德都會(huì)看到。“對(duì)不起，威廉。”最后他終于說，“我很后悔把你拖過來。我想我要把畫留在這里，等到我想出該怎么處理再說。”

　 “It’s okay,” Willem said, and the two of them wrapped it up again and replaced it under his desk.

“沒關(guān)系?！蓖f。于是兩人又把畫包回去，放到辦公桌下。

　 After Willem left, he turned on his phone and this time, he did write JB a message. “JB,” he began, “Thanks very much for the painting, and for your apology, both of which mean a lot.” He paused, thinking about what to say next. “I’ve missed you, and want to hear what’s been going on in your life,” he continued. “Call me when you have some time to hang out.” It was all true.

威廉離開后，他打開手機(jī)，終于寫了一則短信給杰比?！敖鼙?，”他寫道，“很謝謝你的畫，也謝謝你的道歉，兩者都對(duì)我意義重大?！彼麜和Ｏ聛?，想著接下來要說什么，“我一直很想念你，想知道你的近況?！彼^續(xù)寫，“等到你有空碰面時(shí)，記得打個(gè)電話給我?！边@些都是實(shí)話。

　 And suddenly, he knew what he should do with the painting. He looked up the address for JB’s registrar and wrote her a note, thanking her for sending him Jude with Cigarette and telling her that he wanted to donate it to MoMA, and could she help facilitate the transaction?

忽然間，他知道自己該怎么處理這幅畫了。他查到杰比那家代理畫廊的登記員地址，寫了一封短信給她，謝謝她把《拿著香煙的裘德》寄來，說他想把這件作品捐給紐約現(xiàn)代藝術(shù)博物館，問她能不能幫忙促成這件事？

　 Later, he would look back on this episode as a sort of fulcrum, the hinge between a relationship that was one thing and then became something else: his friendship with JB, of course, but also his friendship with Willem. There had been periods in his twenties when he would look at his friends and feel such a pure, deep contentment that he would wish the world around them would simply cease, that none of them would have to move from that moment, when everything was in equilibrium and his affection for them was perfect. But, of course, that was never to be: a beat later, and everything shifted, and the moment quietly vanished.

后來回頭看時(shí)，他把這起事件當(dāng)成某種轉(zhuǎn)折點(diǎn)，是一段人際關(guān)系從此改變的關(guān)鍵：適用于他和杰比的友誼，這很自然，但也適用于他和威廉的友誼。在他二十來歲時(shí)，有時(shí)他會(huì)看著自己的朋友，感覺到一種非常純粹、深厚的滿足。他恨不得環(huán)繞他的世界當(dāng)場(chǎng)停止，沒有一個(gè)人必須離開那一刻，因?yàn)橐磺卸继幱诰鉅顟B(tài)，他對(duì)他們的情感也是最完美的。當(dāng)然，這樣的事情永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)發(fā)生。片刻之后，一切都改變了，那個(gè)時(shí)刻悄悄消失。

　 It would have been too melodramatic, too final, to say that after this JB was forever diminished for him. But it was true that for the first time, he was able to comprehend that the people he had grown to trust might someday betray him anyway, and that as disappointing as it might be, it was inevitable as well, and that life would keep propelling him steadily forward, because for everyone who might fail him in some way, there was at least one person who never would.

如果說在這起事件之后，杰比對(duì)他來說沒有以前那么重要，未免太夸張、太決絕了。但他的確第一次有辦法理解，自己多年來信賴的人有一天可能會(huì)背叛他。這很令人失望，但是也無法避免。人生會(huì)持續(xù)推著他前進(jìn)，就算每個(gè)人都可能在某方面辜負(fù)他，但至少有一個(gè)人永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)。