情感專(zhuān)家告訴你：如何“科學(xué)地”說(shuō)分手

可能沒(méi)啥比被甩更悲催了，但是甩人的一方感覺(jué)可能也好不到哪兒去。其實(shí)，分手對(duì)當(dāng)事人雙方來(lái)講都不那么容易，但是如果你要甩了你的那個(gè)TA，還是有方法減輕你倆的痛苦的，情感專(zhuān)家給指出了幾條光明大道。

Tell the truth — but don’t be cruel

溫柔點(diǎn)兒，講真話

If you’re ending a relationship, you owe it to the other person to explain why, says Rachel Sussman, a New York City psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible. “The people that I see who have the hardest time after a breakup, it’s because they don’t understand,” Sussman says. Ideally, your reason shouldn’t shock the other person, because you’ve discussed it in the past and tried to work through it, Sussman adds.

如果你想結(jié)束一段戀情，你應(yīng)該給對(duì)方一個(gè)解釋。來(lái)自紐約的心理治療師、《分手圣經(jīng)》的作者瑞秋·蘇斯曼說(shuō)道：“在我看來(lái)，人們?cè)诜质趾笞畲蟮耐纯嘣谟谒麄兿氩幻靼诪槭裁捶质帧＠碚撋?，提出分手一方的理由不該使?duì)方感到震驚，因?yàn)樵跊Q定分手前你們應(yīng)該為此爭(zhēng)執(zhí)過(guò)，并且想過(guò)要去修復(fù)。”

Guy Winch, a New York City psychologist and author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, agrees that you should give a reason, but stresses that a breakup isn’t license to unload all of your pent-up complaints and snide comments — even if the other person says they want to hear them. “Find the one thing, because that might be useful for them [to know],” he says. Listing every last annoyance isn’t productive and will only drag out what’s likely to be a painful conversation.

同樣來(lái)自紐約的心理治療師、《如何修復(fù)破碎的心》的作者蓋·衛(wèi)恩齊也同意蘇斯曼的這一觀點(diǎn)，并強(qiáng)調(diào)分手的重點(diǎn)不是釋放你一直壓抑著的怨言和盡情地諷刺對(duì)方，哪怕對(duì)方表示會(huì)接受你的“發(fā)泄”。“找出一件能夠使對(duì)方理解的、具體的事兒來(lái)說(shuō)明白。”無(wú)休止的抱怨毫無(wú)益處，反而會(huì)使痛苦的交談沒(méi)完沒(méi)了。

It’s also important to choose your words carefully, the experts agree. “Phrase something as, ‘This bothers me,’ or ‘This really was difficult for me,'” instead of blaming the other person, Winch says. What you feel is terrible isn’t always objectively terrible, he says — just bad for you.

專(zhuān)家們還認(rèn)為，謹(jǐn)慎措辭也很重要。衛(wèi)恩齊說(shuō)，不要只是責(zé)備對(duì)方，可以試著這樣說(shuō)：“這讓我困擾”或“這對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)真的很難”。你感覺(jué)很糟糕的事兒并不一定很糟糕，可能只是你的感覺(jué)而已。

Finally, resist the urge to soften the blow with platitudes. Saying, “‘We can be friends,’ or ‘Now’s not a good time for me,’ all sound like, well, maybe in the future” things could work out, Winch says. Don’t imply that’s the case if it’s not.

最后，抑制住說(shuō)善意謊言的沖動(dòng)。衛(wèi)恩齊說(shuō)，別試圖用“我們以后還可以做朋友”或者“目前我的狀態(tài)不適合談戀愛(ài)”這種話來(lái)給對(duì)方無(wú)謂的希望。如果以后再無(wú)可能，就不要給對(duì)方任何暗示。

Do it face-to-face

面對(duì)面，說(shuō)清楚

Both Winch and Sussman say in-person breakups are the most considerate and mature option for established couples, and should preferably happen in a private place. “If it’s in public, they might be distraught, and then they have to somehow get home, which is horrible,” Winch says. The best place to do it is in their home, not yours, he adds, so you can leave if the situation gets too drawn out, and so that they’re in a familiar place.

衛(wèi)恩齊和蘇斯曼都提到，對(duì)于已經(jīng)確立關(guān)系的伴侶來(lái)說(shuō)，私下、面對(duì)面談分手是最體貼和成熟的方式。衛(wèi)恩齊說(shuō)：“如果在公眾場(chǎng)合，被甩的一方情緒會(huì)比較容易失控，這種情況下再獨(dú)自回家是比較危險(xiǎn)的。”談這類(lèi)問(wèn)題最好的地方就是在對(duì)方家里，而不是你的家里，這樣如果談得不太順暢你可以離開(kāi)，而對(duì)方也是在自己熟悉的地方。”

That said, there are a few exceptions to the face-to-face rule, Winch says. Most importantly, if you fear for your safety in any way, you should keep your distance. Aside from that, a phone-based breakup may be okay if you’re dating long-distance, or if you’ve only seen each other a few times. For very new dating situations that have only lasted a date or two, you can even get away with a text.

衛(wèi)恩齊說(shuō)，不過(guò)“面對(duì)面”原則也有幾種例外的情況。最重要的是，如果你擔(dān)心自身的安全，你還是應(yīng)該與對(duì)方保持距離。除此以外，如果是異地戀，或者彼此只見(jiàn)過(guò)幾面，電話分手也是可行的。如果只是剛剛開(kāi)始的戀情、只見(jiàn)過(guò)一兩次面，那么短信分手也不是不可以。

But even if you’ve only been on one date, Winch says it’s always better to be upfront, rather than ghosting. He even recommends writing out a boilerplate message — something along the lines of, “Thank you, it was fun, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection” — and keeping it on hand for those situations.

但是，哪怕你們只約會(huì)過(guò)一次，給對(duì)方一個(gè)交代比玩“消失”要好得多，衛(wèi)恩齊說(shuō)道，哪怕只是寫(xiě)一些類(lèi)似“謝謝你，和你一起挺開(kāi)心的，不過(guò)還是沒(méi)什么心動(dòng)的感覺(jué)”之類(lèi)的客套話。

Be sure

說(shuō)再見(jiàn)，就再見(jiàn)

All too often, Sussman says, the person who ends a relationship has second thoughts once the deed is done, which only makes for a messy, painful situation. “Spend some time soul-searching, journaling, talking to a really good friend or family member or talking to a relationship specialist” to get your thoughts in order, Sussman says.

蘇斯曼說(shuō)道，很多時(shí)候，提出分手的一方會(huì)在分手后又改變主意，這會(huì)使情況變得更糟，更讓人痛苦。蘇斯曼說(shuō)：“先花些時(shí)間去反省、回顧、與摯友親人或情感專(zhuān)家溝通，理清思緒。”

While it may feel uncomfortable to carry on the relationship while you make up your mind, Winch says it’s a necessary evil. “Everyone who wants to break up, every single person, does not voice that the minute they think it. They have to process it and be sure and be ready,” Winch says. “That’s how it works.”

衛(wèi)恩齊說(shuō)，當(dāng)你已經(jīng)打定主意后，再繼續(xù)保持關(guān)系會(huì)很煎熬，雖然不希望傷害別人，但這是一個(gè)必經(jīng)過(guò)程。“每一個(gè)想分手的人，不會(huì)在冒出這個(gè)念頭的第一時(shí)間就說(shuō)出來(lái)。他們都要考慮一番，確定自己要分手，并做好準(zhǔn)備，”衛(wèi)恩齊說(shuō)，“一般都是這樣操作的。”

Once you’ve resolutely decided to end things, however, you shouldn’t delay the conversation or prematurely act like you’re single, Sussman says. “The dumbest thing people do is get involved with other people before their relationship is over. They just want to have a plan B. It can also be to create distance, maybe even on some level of wanting to get caught,” she says. “If you’re involved with someone and the contract is exclusivity and monogamy, to cheat on that person is the most hurtful thing.”

蘇斯曼說(shuō)，一旦你確定要結(jié)束一段關(guān)系，就不要再拖拖拉拉不提分手，也別過(guò)早地向全世界宣布自己是單身。她說(shuō)：“最愚蠢的事兒就是‘騎驢找馬’。有的人總是想給自己留條后路。有的人還會(huì)刻意制造距離，甚至盼著被對(duì)方發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的背叛。愛(ài)情是具有排他性的，欺騙是對(duì)他人最大的傷害。”

Let them decide whether or not to contact you

讓“被甩”的一方?jīng)Q定你們還是不是“朋友”

It may seem kind to check in on your ex or to maintain a friendly rapport after a breakup, but resist the impulse. Both Sussman and Winch say the person who got dumped should be the one to decide when, or if, they want to reopen contact — and ideally, that should only happen after you’ve both moved on completely.

關(guān)心前任或者與前任做朋友看似很“重情重義”，但是最好別這樣。蘇斯曼和衛(wèi)恩齊都提到，應(yīng)該讓“被甩”的一方來(lái)決定是否還要繼續(xù)保持聯(lián)系，而且最好是在你們雙方都已經(jīng)從過(guò)去解脫出來(lái)后。

Couples should take time apart before trying to become friends, Sussman says. Let at least three months pass before starting any kind of friendship, Winch says — adding that most people who follow this rule opt not to get back in touch. If you’re the person ending things, Winch says you should prepare yourself for that possibility and give your ex their space, as hard as that may be.

蘇斯曼說(shuō)道，情侶或夫妻在分手后應(yīng)該要過(guò)段時(shí)間再?zèng)Q定是不是要繼續(xù)做朋友。衛(wèi)恩齊建議這個(gè)“冷卻期”至少要三個(gè)月時(shí)間，但實(shí)際上這樣做了的人通常都再也不會(huì)聯(lián)系對(duì)方了。既然已經(jīng)“甩了”別人，就應(yīng)該準(zhǔn)備好面對(duì)不可預(yù)知的未來(lái)，給前任空間(盡管會(huì)很難過(guò))，放過(guò)彼此吧。