為什么現(xiàn)代戀情大多以失敗告終?

Eli Finkel, a US university professor specialising in social psychology reckons there's a very common reason modern relationships fail - and it's all about our expectations. In an interview with The Atlantic about his new book The All-or-Nothing Marriage, Finkel explained he considers many people in relationships too idealistic.

以利·芬克爾(Eli Finkel)是美國(guó)一所大學(xué)的教授，專攻社會(huì)心理學(xué)。他認(rèn)為現(xiàn)代戀情之所以失敗存在一個(gè)普遍原因--都是因?yàn)槲覀兊钠谕Ｔ凇短窖笤驴?The Atlantic)對(duì)其新書(shū)The All-or-Nothing Marriage進(jìn)行采訪的過(guò)程中，芬克爾解釋道，他認(rèn)為很多戀愛(ài)中的人都過(guò)于理想化。

Basically, rather than just being content that our partner provides us with a spare pair of hands to sort out the home and go about our daily lives, we're expecting them to be everything to us. We are, he reckons, demanding WAY too much of them. A lot of modern couples expect their significant other to love them, duh, but also to 'help them grow' and become our best selves.

基本說(shuō)來(lái)，我們不僅滿足于另一半在家庭生活、日常生活中幫助我們，而且還期待他們成為我們的一切。他認(rèn)為，我們對(duì)另一半的要求太多了。很多現(xiàn)代情侶都希望他們的另一半愛(ài)他們，但同時(shí)也期望另一半能'幫助他們成長(zhǎng)'，成為最好的自己。

 

We want them to make us feel attractive, smart, hilarious, sexy, basically all the things all the time. And this, he says, is putting so much pressure on our relationships that we are totally screwing them up. Why though? Finkel says in the past 100 years, marriage and relationship expectations have blurred due to cultural changes.

我們希望他們能讓我們感受到自己的魅力、智慧、幽默、性感，幾乎時(shí)時(shí)刻刻都希望從他們的身上感受自己的美好面。他說(shuō)道，這樣做會(huì)對(duì)感情造成很大的壓力，導(dǎo)致不歡而散。為什么會(huì)這樣呢?芬克爾說(shuō)道，過(guò)去100年間，婚姻和戀情的期待已經(jīng)由于文化差異而變得模糊不清。

In his The Atlantic interview, he said: 'I would just urge everybody, think about what you'relooking for from this one relationship and decide, are these expectations realistic in light ofwho I am, who my partner is, what the dynamics that we have together are?

接受《太平洋月刊》的采訪時(shí)，他說(shuō)道："我想要敦促每一位，想想你希望從這段戀情中得到什么，然后根據(jù)自己是什么樣的人、另一半是什么樣的人，以及我們?cè)谝黄饡?huì)怎樣來(lái)決定這些期望是否實(shí)際。"

'If so, how are we going to achieve all of these things together? Or alternatively, how can were linquish some of these roles that we play in each others' lives, and outsource them to, say, another member of your social network?'

"如果是，那我們又該如何一起實(shí)現(xiàn)這些期望?或者，我們?cè)撊绾畏艞壴诒舜松钪邪缪莸哪承┙巧?，并將這些角色交由社交生活中的其他人士扮演?"

What he's saying is, in order to not overload your partner with expectation, you probs could maybe go to a pal or family member for the assurances your significant other can't give you. And that's totally fine.

他說(shuō)道，為了不對(duì)另一半產(chǎn)生過(guò)多期待，你或許可以從朋友或家人那里尋求另一半無(wú)法給予你的肯定。這是完全沒(méi)問(wèn)題的。

He continues: 'The question isn't, "Are you asking too much?" The question is, "Are you asking the appropriate amount, in light of the nature of the relationship right now?"

他繼續(xù)說(shuō)道："問(wèn)題不是'你是否要求太多了?'而是'基于你們的戀情進(jìn)展，你提出的要求是否合適?'"