戀愛(ài)關(guān)系中最致命的10句話

When you're married or in a long-term relationship, some things are better left unsaid.

結(jié)婚以后，或者處在長(zhǎng)期的戀愛(ài)關(guān)系中的時(shí)候，有一些話還是不說(shuō)為好。

Below, marriage therapists and other experts share 10 phrases and statements to strike from your vocabulary now.

下面，婚姻咨詢師和其他專家給我們分享了要從我們的語(yǔ)庫(kù)中劃掉的10個(gè)短語(yǔ)和句子。

1. “You never do the dishes. You always just leave them sitting there.”

“你從來(lái)都不洗碗，總是把它們?nèi)釉谀蔷筒还芰恕?rdquo;

The dishes are a placeholder for pretty much anything here. Whatever the issue, using accusatory blanket terms like “never” and “always” tends to end the same way every time: with you and your boo engaged in an overblown argument. Plus, there's a good chance your generalization is wrong, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in Takoma Park, Maryland.

來(lái)自馬里蘭州塔科馬帕克的心理學(xué)家薩曼莎·羅德曼說(shuō)，這里的碗碟可以用任何事物代替。無(wú)論是什么問(wèn)題，只要用到“從來(lái)不”、“總是”等充滿指責(zé)意味的概括性字眼，每次都會(huì)導(dǎo)致同樣的結(jié)果：你和伴侶大吵一架。而且，你的概括很有可能是錯(cuò)誤的。

“Nothing is black and white so telling a partner that she's never on time or he's always selfish can't be right,” she told The Huffington Post. “These types of statements only lead to a prosecutor-defendant dynamic, which is not what you want in your marriage.”

她對(duì)《赫芬頓郵報(bào)》說(shuō)：“沒(méi)有什么事是非黑即白的，所以對(duì)伴侶說(shuō)她從來(lái)沒(méi)有準(zhǔn)時(shí)過(guò)或他總是很自私，并不好。這些話只會(huì)導(dǎo)致你們不斷來(lái)回指責(zé)和辯解，這并不是你在婚姻里想要的。”

2. “You sound exactly like your mother.”

“你和你媽說(shuō)話一模一樣。”

When arguing, stick to the issue at hand and keep the focus on the two of you. Introducing nasty comparisons to your in-laws is unfair and ultimately a diversion from your problems, said Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.

婚姻與家庭咨詢師、《幸福婚姻指南》的作者莎倫·吉爾克里斯特·奧尼爾說(shuō)，吵架的時(shí)候，要專注于眼前問(wèn)題，把焦點(diǎn)放在你們兩個(gè)人身上。把對(duì)方父母牽扯進(jìn)來(lái)進(jìn)行比較的做法非常可惡，不公平，最終也偏離了你們本身的問(wèn)題。

“Mentioning parents can easily become mean-spirited attacks that interfere with the couple's ability to address the underlying issues,” she told HuffPost.

她對(duì)《赫芬頓郵報(bào)》說(shuō)：“提及父母就很有可能變成刻薄的攻擊，影響雙方解決眼前問(wèn)題的能力。”

3. “You think you're better than everyone else!”

“你是不是覺(jué)得自己很了不起!”

Never put words in your partner's mouth or in this case, thoughts in their head. There's no way of knowing what someone is feeling or thinking, so keep the assumptions to yourself, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas.

來(lái)自阿肯色州小巖城的婚姻與家庭咨詢師貝基·惠茨通說(shuō)，永遠(yuǎn)不要對(duì)伴侶說(shuō)這句話，或者，即使這樣說(shuō)了，也不要讓他們認(rèn)為你真這么想。了解他人的情緒或想法是不可能的，所以這樣的假設(shè)留給你自己就好。

“These statements are aggravating because your spouse knows that what you're accusing them of is not true,” she said. “What you're saying suggests you don't think very highly of your S.O. It's a double dose of pain in one sentence.”

她說(shuō)：“這樣的話容易激化矛盾，因?yàn)閷?duì)方認(rèn)為你的指責(zé)不實(shí)。并且，你說(shuō)的話表明你對(duì)對(duì)方的評(píng)價(jià)不高。所以，這句話包含了雙重傷害。”

4. “Do I look like I've put on weight?”

“我是不是胖了?”

“What you really mean by asking this is, 'I know I've put on weight. I'm unhappy about how I look and I need you to say that you're OK with my current state.'” she said. “These types of questions are all about side-stepping personal responsibility, plus they force your partner into an enabling role,” said Robyn Wahlgast, a dating and relationship coach for women.

“你問(wèn)這句話的真正意思是'我知道我體重增加了，我不滿意我的樣子，我需要你說(shuō)你對(duì)我的現(xiàn)狀很滿意'?；卮疬@些問(wèn)題都不是必要的個(gè)人責(zé)任，而且這種問(wèn)題相當(dāng)于在逼迫伴侶去發(fā)揮激勵(lì)你的作用，”女性約會(huì)和戀愛(ài)輔導(dǎo)師蘿賓·沃爾葛斯特如是說(shuō)。

5. “Have you put on a few pounds?”

“你是不是胖了?”

Blunt, negative remarks to your spouse about his or her appearance are also out of line.

直白、消極地評(píng)論配偶的外貌也越過(guò)了紅線。

“Unconstructive criticism of physical appearance is as bad as it gets,” Whetstone said. “It's painful because you're suggesting that your partner isn't good enough or that they're less than or defective.”

“毫無(wú)助益地批評(píng)外貌，要多糟有多糟，”惠茨通說(shuō)。“這樣很傷人，因?yàn)槟阍诎凳灸愕陌閭H不夠好、差那么一點(diǎn)、有缺陷。”

6. “You're a horrible parent, breadwinner, lover...”

“你是個(gè)糟糕的家長(zhǎng)/當(dāng)家的/愛(ài)人……”

Put-downs centered around your spouse's family or occupational roles are particularly cruel, said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida.

貶低你配偶的家庭或職業(yè)角色非常殘忍，弗羅里達(dá)邁阿密灘市心理治療師M·加里·諾依曼說(shuō)。

“Negative statements about our self-identities are devastating,” he said. “These roles are so important and tender. When they're questioned, we feel completely torn down. It becomes hard to forget statements like this.”

他說(shuō)：“消極評(píng)價(jià)個(gè)人身份的結(jié)果是毀滅性的。我們的角色重要又脆弱，它們一旦被質(zhì)疑，我們就感覺(jué)完全崩潰了。我們也很難忘掉這樣的話。”

7. “Ugh, I hate when you do that.” (Said in front of friends or family.)

(當(dāng)著朋友或家人的面說(shuō))“呃，我討厭你那么做。”

Putting your spouse down in front of others is a huge no-no in a relationship, said Whetstone.

惠茨通說(shuō)，當(dāng)著他人的面貶低配偶是婚姻與戀愛(ài)關(guān)系中萬(wàn)萬(wàn)不可做的事。

“In this example, you are gathering people against your spouse — and what is worse than that? It is hard to recover from such a boundary violation,” she said. “It causes resentment and a lack of trust.”

她說(shuō)：“在這種情況中，你在召集大家反對(duì)你的配偶——比這更糟的是，你很難求得對(duì)方原諒這樣越界的事，對(duì)方會(huì)為此怨恨，不再信任你。”

8. “I barely know him — he's just someone I work with.”

“我不怎么了解他——他就是和我一起工作的人而已。”

It's almost inevitable that you or your partner will develop a small, innocent crush on someone at some point during your marriage. If that happens, be upfront about it. Don't try to sweep it under the rug with a statement that minimizes your feelings, said Wahlgast.

沃爾葛斯特說(shuō)，在你們的婚姻關(guān)系中，不可避免地，伴侶或你在某個(gè)時(shí)刻會(huì)對(duì)其他人產(chǎn)生一種輕微的、單純的好感。如果這樣的事真的發(fā)生，就要直面問(wèn)題。不要輕描淡寫地一說(shuō)，掩飾你的感情。

“The best way to neutralize the potential destructiveness of your crush is to briefly and simply acknowledge it to your spouse,” she said. “Try saying to your husband, 'I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have a bit of a crush on that new consultant. He's so funny — his sense of humor reminds me of yours.'”

“你對(duì)別人的好感對(duì)你們的關(guān)系有潛在的毀滅性危險(xiǎn)，化解這一危險(xiǎn)的最好方式就是向你的配偶簡(jiǎn)明扼要地承認(rèn)事實(shí)。”她說(shuō)，“試著對(duì)你丈夫說(shuō)'我知道這聽(tīng)起來(lái)很荒唐，但我對(duì)那個(gè)新來(lái)的顧問(wèn)有點(diǎn)兒好感。他很風(fēng)趣，他的幽默感讓我想到了你。'”

Though it may be an uncomfortable subject to broach, ultimately, Wahlgast said being transparent about your feelings “will create more openness with your partner. You'll each feel more comfortable bringing up other taboo subjects in a kind and respectful way.”

盡管這個(gè)問(wèn)題可能不好開(kāi)口，但沃爾葛斯特說(shuō)，坦白你的情感最終“會(huì)讓你和你的伴侶更加坦誠(chéng)相待。你們也會(huì)以友好、互相尊重的方式提出其他禁忌話題，雙方都會(huì)感到更舒服。”

9. “You shouldn't feel that way.”

“你不該那么想。”

There's nothing more belittling or condescending than telling your spouse what he should or shouldn't be feeling in any given situation, Rodman said.

羅德曼說(shuō)，沒(méi)有什么比告訴你的配偶他或她在某種情況下應(yīng)該或不應(yīng)該怎么想更居高臨下、更貶低人了。

“There is no right or wrong way for someone to feel,” she said. “Feelings are what they are; try to understand your partner and be curious about his experience rather than dismissing what you don't understand.”

她說(shuō)：“一個(gè)人怎么想沒(méi)有對(duì)錯(cuò)，感覺(jué)就是感覺(jué)，不可捉摸;要試著去理解你的伴侶，問(wèn)下他怎么得來(lái)這樣的體驗(yàn)，而不是否認(rèn)你不理解的事”。

10. “Don't wait up for me.”

“不用等我了。”

This seemingly innocent remark suggests you're not going to bed at the same time, a habit that can be damaging to your relationship, said Wahlgast.

沃爾葛斯特說(shuō)，這個(gè)看起來(lái)沒(méi)什么問(wèn)題的言論表明你們不打算在同一時(shí)間睡覺(jué)，這個(gè)習(xí)慣會(huì)破壞你們的關(guān)系。

“You should view shared bedtime as a way to strengthen your connection with your partner — it's a powerful form of physical intimacy, with or without sex,” she said. “Saying OK to separate bedtimes enables behaviors that destroy intimacy, such as solitary porn-watching and flirty messaging with friends or co-workers.”

“你應(yīng)該把相同的睡覺(jué)時(shí)間視作與伴侶加強(qiáng)關(guān)系的一種方式——對(duì)維持肌膚親密非常有效，與性無(wú)關(guān)，”她說(shuō)。“同意有不同的睡覺(jué)時(shí)間，容易產(chǎn)生破壞親密關(guān)系的行為，比如獨(dú)自看色情片，或與朋友、同事發(fā)曖昧短信。”