托福寫作次次27+？！掃清文中的「邏輯障礙」是關(guān)鍵！!
寫作邏輯的嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)性、清晰性和可理解性在托福寫作考試的評(píng)分中不容忽視，邏輯不清楚或邏輯論證不足都是極其典型的扣分點(diǎn)，甚至嚴(yán)重一點(diǎn)，如果學(xué)生審題直接失誤，寫作方向自然也會(huì)與考官預(yù)計(jì)的截然不同，那么整篇文章都會(huì)是一個(gè)敗筆，這毫無疑問是很嚴(yán)重的問題。
托福寫作一向是邏輯先行、語言隨后，在寫作之前務(wù)必對(duì)整篇文章的大布局、段落分論點(diǎn)、段落的展開方向有一個(gè)比較清晰的認(rèn)知，不可以騎驢找馬走一步是一步，先保證審題正確，然后確保論點(diǎn)不跑偏、論據(jù)細(xì)節(jié)正確且充足，這樣才能保證可以寫成一篇相對(duì)不錯(cuò)的托福作文。
下面，我們就結(jié)合學(xué)生習(xí)作來分析一下學(xué)生在寫作時(shí)常見的邏輯障礙：
Parents today are more involved in their children's education than parents were in the past. Do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays people are earning more and more money than before, and parents are inclined to sent their children to really good schools for education. Some parents even spent a large sum of money in making their children to study abroad in very famous colleges. So many persons believe that parents these years are more involved in their children’s education than in the old days when people do not have a lot of money. But other people have questions about this thinking. They think that parents in the past are also paying much attention to their children’s study. They often force their kids to study hard, and they also work hard to earn money to send children to better schools. Well, about this question, I have to say that parents in the new society are more greatly involved in their children’s study.
To begin, all the economy advances we achieved during the past contributes to the change. On one hand, parents nowadays have more money disposal, so they can invest more on the education of their children. Thirty years ago, the income of the whole family were just enough to buy the daily necessity, so even if parents wanted to pay for the extra study, it was impossible. On the other hand, prosperous economy means parents do not need to work all the time in order to earn enough money to support their families. They are able to have a lot of holidays so that they can spend more time concern about the education of their children or even teach their children study themselves.
In the second place, it is due to the ‘single child’ policy is introduced by the government. This policy makes parents be more actively involved in their children’s education than they were in the past possible. With only one child in each family, parents expect the child to reach a high level in academics, they put more attention to their education. Thirty years ago, if one child do not want to go to school, his parents might agree with him because there are other children who do not want to study well. But nowadays, because this child is the only hope of the family in the future, so nearly all parents would force their child to work hard.
Last but not least, modern society values education more than before. The more developed the society is, the more important education is for this society. Here is an example of my parents. They value education so much that they get up early and cook for me everyday just in order to give me enough time to study so I can concentrate the classes. But in the past, as my mother told me, my grandpa and grandma never did such thing for her because they did not realize the importance of education. It did not really matter whether you can concentrate on the classes.
In summary, I do believe that parents in modern society involves more in the education of their children because of the development of economy, the government’s policy and the changes society outlook.
那么這篇學(xué)生習(xí)作中存在哪些嚴(yán)重的邏輯問題呢？
我們首先細(xì)讀文章的主體段：
“To begin, all the economy advances we achieved during the past contributes to the change. On one hand, parents nowadays have more money disposal, so they can invest more on the education of their children. Thirty years ago, the income of the whole family were just enough to buy the daily necessity, so even if parents wanted to pay for the extra study, it was impossible. On the other hand, prosperous economy means parents do not need to work all the time in order to earn enough money to support their families. They are able to have a lot of holidays so that they can spend more time concern about the education of their children or even teach their children study themselves. ”
該篇作文的題目是 “Parents today are more involved in their children's education than parents were in the past. 現(xiàn)在的父母比過去的父母更多地參與到其子女的教育中，這一命題是否成立?！?/span>
針對(duì)這一話題，該生選擇的是正面同意的立場(chǎng)，主題段選擇的支撐點(diǎn)是從經(jīng)濟(jì)發(fā)展角度出發(fā)，強(qiáng)調(diào)今時(shí)今日的經(jīng)濟(jì)發(fā)展遠(yuǎn)勝?gòu)那?，今日的父母?jīng)濟(jì)實(shí)力遠(yuǎn)勝過去的父母，從而一方面能夠加大對(duì)子女教育的投入力度，另一方面經(jīng)濟(jì)實(shí)力的增強(qiáng)也使得父母可以有更多的閑暇時(shí)間參與子女教育。
這兩個(gè)小分點(diǎn)毫無疑問從邏輯上來說是可以立住腳的，但該生在本段犯了一個(gè)很大的錯(cuò)誤：說理不到位、論據(jù)細(xì)節(jié)不充足，雖然分論點(diǎn)擺出來來，但卻沒有對(duì)自身分論點(diǎn)的合理性做充足的論證支撐，這一點(diǎn)在寫作考試中無疑是一大失敗。
比如小分點(diǎn) “On one hand, parents nowadays have more money disposal, so they can invest more on the education of their children. 經(jīng)濟(jì)發(fā)展了，父母可支配收入增加了，因此可以投資更多錢在子女教育上了?！?該生緊隨其后也比較了過去如父母這方面的經(jīng)濟(jì)能力：Thirty years ago, the income of the whole family were just enough to buy the daily necessity, so even if parents wanted to pay for the extra study, it was impossible.
但問題是這番對(duì)比并沒有直接和題干的關(guān)鍵信息 the increased parental involvement in children’s education from modern parents 產(chǎn)生邏輯關(guān)系，現(xiàn)在父母比過去父母可以花更多錢在子女教育上就一定能證明現(xiàn)在父母參與度對(duì)子女教育參與度更高嗎？其實(shí)不然。因此這一小分點(diǎn)上學(xué)生的論證鏈條其實(shí)是很不充分的，能做一定補(bǔ)充，如加上如下細(xì)節(jié)和題干聯(lián)系起來：
On one hand, parents nowadays have more money fully at their own disposal, so they can invest more in the education of their children. And then it’s quite human nature to expect a high return for a heavy investment. Therefore, parents in the modern society will definitely be willing to play an active role in their children’s education. Yet things in the past were quite different. Thirty years ago, the income of the whole family was just enough to cover the daily necessities, so even if parents wanted to send their kids to school for high-quality education, it was financially impossible for them to fulfill this goal. Therefore, they didn’t have to and also were unable to get actively involved in children’s education in their days.
此外這段還有一個(gè)很典型的問題，學(xué)生列舉了兩個(gè)小分點(diǎn)來支撐該段的分論點(diǎn)，段內(nèi)并列的論證方式是可取的，但這一段卻是比較失敗，因?yàn)閮蓚€(gè)小分點(diǎn)該生都沒能進(jìn)行比較到位的論證支撐，因此可以給出的建議就是學(xué)生選擇其中一個(gè)小分點(diǎn)展開論證，結(jié)合道理論證和舉例論證，對(duì)小分點(diǎn)進(jìn)行比較具體的可行的邏輯解釋，
如個(gè)點(diǎn)可以強(qiáng)調(diào)：
Economic advancements and increased familial income lead to heavier investment in children’s education among modern parents. Parents looking forward to high returns from their heavy investments shall out of question be willing to get actively involved in their kids’ education.
第二個(gè)點(diǎn)可以強(qiáng)調(diào)：
Improved financial situation in modern times has eliminated the possibility for parents to toil around the clock so as to support their family, and allows them more free time to take care of their kids.
兩個(gè)小分點(diǎn)選取一個(gè)進(jìn)行充分解釋，不失為一個(gè)更好的選擇。
下面我們來看文章的第三個(gè)主體段。
Last but not least, modern society values education more than before. The more developed the society is, the more important education is for this society. Here is an example of my parents. They value education so much that they get up early and cook for me everyday just in order to give me enough time to study so I can concentrate the classes. But in the past, as my mother told me, my grandpa and grandma never did such thing for her because they did not realize the importance of education. It did not really matter whether you can concentrate on the classes.
這一段學(xué)生給出的分論點(diǎn)是 “modern society values education more than before. 和過去相比，現(xiàn)代社會(huì)更重視教育 ”，論點(diǎn)很切題。后面論證內(nèi)容用的是對(duì)比論證，把現(xiàn)在自己上學(xué)的經(jīng)歷和過去媽媽上學(xué)經(jīng)歷進(jìn)行比較：現(xiàn)在，我的父母很重視教育，所以他們每天早起給我做飯，讓我有足夠的時(shí)間去專心學(xué)習(xí)。在過去，外公外婆卻沒有為媽媽做過這樣的事情，因?yàn)樗麄儧]有重視教育，他們覺得專心上學(xué)
并不是很重要。
對(duì)比論證，尤其是今昔對(duì)比，是一個(gè)非常好用的論證方式，很大程度上能幫我們把一個(gè)復(fù)雜的事情解釋清楚。但是，該段對(duì)比過去和現(xiàn)在父母對(duì)教育重視程度時(shí)邏輯不是很完善，對(duì)比式段落展開時(shí)，一般是昔【原因 — 結(jié)果】but 今【原因 — 結(jié)果】這種框架結(jié)構(gòu)。
而該生并沒有遵循這樣的框架，現(xiàn)在過去對(duì)教育的重視程度不同是什么原因完全沒有提到，只是寫到媽媽每天早起給我做早飯，這個(gè)不是原因，只是重視教育的一種表現(xiàn)。而對(duì)于過去外公外婆對(duì)教育的態(tài)度方面，只說他們沒有為媽媽早起做飯，是對(duì)前面 “現(xiàn)在” 論證內(nèi)容的一種重復(fù)，并沒有給出更有說服力的內(nèi)容。最后一句話， It did not really matter whether you can concentrate on the classes. 是對(duì)前面外公外婆認(rèn)為教育不重要的一種重復(fù)，但是對(duì)于為什么不重視，依舊沒有給出原因。
建議的邏輯框架是：過去，教育對(duì)于人們的生活和工作影響不是很大，不讀書直接務(wù)農(nóng)或打工是很理所當(dāng)然的選擇，讀書與否根本不重要，因此父母幾乎一點(diǎn)也不重視子女教育問題；但現(xiàn)在不一樣，現(xiàn)代社會(huì)職場(chǎng)競(jìng)爭(zhēng)愈演愈烈，一個(gè)好的文憑和的能力毫無疑問已成為人們找到好工作、過上幸福生活的必備條件，父母因此對(duì)于子女教育也傾注了更多心力。
參考的寫法是：
Here is an example of my parents. For a long time they have been harboring this wish that I can someday work my way into one of the most prestigious universities in my country or even around the world. And this is because having an advantageous academic background can help lead people into a more promising career and a happier life. So, in order to fulfill this goal, my parents have been dedicating almost all of their free time to my education. However exhausted they may be after a long day’s work, they still insist on sparing some time to help me with my academic study. But things were quite different in the past. In those days, people didn’t really give much concern for receiving school education because being educated or not mattered very little to their life. Most of them would simply choose to follow the footprint of their fathers and become a farmer. Therefore parents at that time
were not really concerned about their children’s education.
邏輯的完整與否決定了考官是否能讀得下去，是否能讀得明白。提升邏輯論證的完整性需要在掌握論證方法的前提下，不斷去練習(xí)，嘗試讓自己每句話都說得有邏輯。平時(shí)在日常溝通的時(shí)候，也嘗試讓自己的表達(dá)條理清晰有邏輯。
寫好一篇作文并非一朝一夕之功，但是清楚寫作常見錯(cuò)誤以及正確的方法策略肯定可以幫助學(xué)生更好地備戰(zhàn)這門考試，對(duì)其取得高分自然也會(huì)有諸多幫助。總而言之，要想寫好一篇作文，務(wù)必做到邏輯明晰，如此才有可能寫出一篇比較體面的托福作文。
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