托福寫作開篇就錯：那你一定是這么寫的

　　一.繞彎子Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.

　　Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

　　回答：With the development of science and technology, people’s living standard has been improving day by day. According to the family plan, one couple could have only one child.

　　So child becomes the center of the whole family. Some of them are even spoiled. Therefore, I think it is better if the young adult could live independent from their parents as soon as possible.

　　解析：這個開頭看似沒有任何問題，但是仔細分析就會發(fā)現(xiàn)很多問題。首先，作者繞了個大彎才給出自己的觀點。其次，觀點是對原題目的抄寫，改動的比較少。最后，開篇缺少引起下文的過渡句。更大的錯誤是這個開頭更像是一個全文主要觀點的一個分論點。

　　修改后：As we all know, some young adults have the sense of independence in a special period so that they want to choose to live apart from their family, while others still choose to stay with parents in the family.

　　Family can provide young adults a warm bay where he or she could turn to whenever any problems arise. However, considering the sound development of the young adult both mentally and physically, I think to live independently the earlier, the better.

　　Independence is a lesson that each of us must face one day. The detailed reasons are listed below.