TPO21托福獨(dú)立寫(xiě)作技巧

　　“For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school”

　　嚴(yán)師分析：這是一個(gè)在托福獨(dú)立寫(xiě)作的教育題材中的經(jīng)典話題。要做到有說(shuō)服力并表達(dá)豐富，就得先把思路打開(kāi)。具體地說(shuō)眼前的題目，一個(gè)人才，首先要有一定智商，往往表現(xiàn)為學(xué)習(xí)成績(jī);更重要的是情商，人際技巧與堅(jiān)持樂(lè)觀都是情商的體現(xiàn);最后還可上升到品德，價(jià)值觀，人格魅力。要提醒的是，托福獨(dú)立寫(xiě)作的藝術(shù)就在于自圓其說(shuō)，所以一定要挑自己熟悉的寫(xiě)!可以先用嚴(yán)師的specific這一利器，想想看什么樣的職業(yè)明顯是更需要整合資源與人互動(dòng)的?企業(yè)家吧，銷(xiāo)售人員吧，管理人員吧;什么樣的職業(yè)明顯更依賴(lài)個(gè)人的專(zhuān)業(yè)知識(shí)與創(chuàng)造力呢?作家，畫(huà)家，音樂(lè)人?嚴(yán)師可能更熟悉前者，你也可以挑自己熟悉的行業(yè)，站個(gè)隊(duì)先。而自圓其說(shuō)地過(guò)程你可以從嚴(yán)師對(duì)下面這篇福神范例的修改意見(jiàn)里體會(huì)各種要害與機(jī)關(guān)：)請(qǐng)看下面五段文字：

　　Different jobs have different requirements. Some professions like medical research and art performance demand more technical know-how than social skills, so I disagree with the opinion that the capability to socialize outweighs studying diligently in school.

　　嚴(yán)師對(duì)開(kāi)頭的點(diǎn)評(píng)：很沉穩(wěn)的開(kāi)頭，ability to relate well to people被換成capability to socialize;studying hard 被換成studying diligently; more important than 被換成 outweigh; 另外technical know-how也是很好的特色用詞。如果還要改進(jìn)，可以再豐富一下，加一句，說(shuō)明即便是在傳統(tǒng)上認(rèn)為與人打交道很重要的那些專(zhuān)業(yè)，如企業(yè)家，銷(xiāo)售人員，管理人員等專(zhuān)業(yè)的學(xué)習(xí)，也由于信息科技的繁榮，知識(shí)更新速度的加快，對(duì)人的專(zhuān)業(yè)知識(shí)的積累提出了更高要求。

　　First of all, medical researchers are expected to conduct experiments skillfully rather than relate well to people . From a beginner to a medical expert, one has a long way to go. On average it would take 5 years to finish medical bachelor degree for a Chinese student and subsequently another 3 years of master degree in research. The success in later years of research in medicine require the overall time and energy consumed during the accumulation of know-how such as molecular biology, organic chemistry and clinical pharmacology.

　　嚴(yán)師點(diǎn)評(píng)2段：細(xì)節(jié)展開(kāi)很出色，顯示了豐富的詞匯;例子很恰當(dāng)。如果要改進(jìn)變得更有說(shuō)服力，還可以做一點(diǎn)對(duì)比推斷，指出如果分出一部分精力社交，就會(huì)耽誤最寶貴的用于學(xué)核心技能的時(shí)間精力，短期追求完美，長(zhǎng)遠(yuǎn)卻有害于自己的潛力充分發(fā)揮。另外know-how這個(gè)詞不愿意重復(fù)可換成expertise, skills, techniques..

　　Moreover, if one wishes to be an eminent artist, the success rests with the prowess in art not in dealing with people. Lang lang, an outstanding pianist of the world, had kept on practicing each note as well as the movement of the great pianist, like Schuman, Beethoven, since he was determined to be a professional artist in school. Picasso does not have to be an expert in communicating with different people because he is not supposed to be talk show host nor salesperson. All he needs to do is studying hard in painting school in Paris and equip with knowledge to master brush, color and canvass.

　　嚴(yán)師點(diǎn)評(píng)3段：eminent,prowess都是很贊的地道表達(dá)。deal with, communicate with用詞變換也不錯(cuò)。例子很切題。如果要改進(jìn)，對(duì)例子加工的深度還可以加大：是專(zhuān)注而不是分心;是投入而不是松懈;打造了世界級(jí)大師們的核心競(jìng)爭(zhēng)力。studying hard如果想換，可以是devote to; dedicated to, commit oneself into..

　　Finally, studying hard not only provides the students with book knowledge but also the habit of diligence so it is more significant than social skills. Just as a famous saying goes ：the diligence and excellence are great habits. In school time, the priority should be given to learning because human beings were then at heyday of intelligence and memory. As for social skills, it is never too late to obtain even when one retired from work. In future career, no matter what you did, it is inevitable that basical and advanced knowledge are also required if one employee wants to be promoted .Most importantly, since one has a sense of diligence cultivated since shooltime, one would outperform the workmates who is lazier and superficial.

　　嚴(yán)師點(diǎn)評(píng)4段：本段改進(jìn)的點(diǎn)在于可以做個(gè)讓步，指出那些認(rèn)為專(zhuān)業(yè)知識(shí)的積累不如社交重要的人，往往是基于過(guò)去人們的現(xiàn)實(shí)做出的判斷，而現(xiàn)如今隨著互聯(lián)網(wǎng)技術(shù)的繁榮，社交網(wǎng)站的盛行，人們積累朋友與社交資源的速度也大大加速;全球化更是讓世界變小變平，只要有豐富的專(zhuān)業(yè)積累，總是有多種途徑實(shí)現(xiàn)職業(yè)的突破，因而學(xué)生時(shí)代的重點(diǎn)更應(yīng)該是academic achievement 而不是在無(wú)謂的聚會(huì)上浪費(fèi)時(shí)間。

　　To sum up, I hold that studying hard is more important than relating with people because success in medical research and art performance lies in knowledge. In addition, studying hard helps students to become a qualified and diligent person who is favored for promotion by the superordinates.

　　嚴(yán)師點(diǎn)評(píng)結(jié)尾：優(yōu)點(diǎn)是有重申，語(yǔ)言準(zhǔn)確也沒(méi)有問(wèn)題。改進(jìn)之處是studying hard 重復(fù)嚴(yán)重，可以換 concentration on educational pursuits; stick to academic goals; input into professional skills; important 不必重復(fù)，可換 essential, vital, paramount, pivotal, crucial, critical等。要想提升說(shuō)服力，還可加一句讓步，指出社交的確可以讓我們結(jié)識(shí)重要的人脈，但學(xué)生階段的重點(diǎn)一定是核心競(jìng)爭(zhēng)力，也就是學(xué)術(shù)成就- academic achievements.