雙語讀?。篊all me by ...（一）49:我現(xiàn)在沒有勇氣，還沒準備好

Try again later were the last words I’d spoken to myself every night when I’d sworn to do something to bring Oliver closer to me. Try again later meant, I haven’t the courage now. Things weren’t ready just yet. Where I’d find the will and the courage to try again later I didn’t know. But resolving to do something rather than sit passively made me feel that I was already doing something, like reaping a profit on money I hadn’t invested, much less earned yet.
But I also knew that I was circling wagons around my life with try again laters, and that months, seasons, entire years, a lifetime could go by with nothing but Saint Try-again-later stamped on every day. Try again later worked for people like Oliver. If not later, when? was my shibboleth.
If not later, when? What if he had found me out and uncovered each and every one of my secrets with those four cutting words?
I had to let him know I was totally indifferent to him.
 
“回頭再試”，是我每晚暗自發(fā)誓要采取行動拉近奧利弗與我的距離時，對自己說的最后幾個字。“回頭再試”的意思是：我現(xiàn)在沒有勇氣，還沒準備好；上哪兒去找“回頭再試”的意志與勇氣我不知道，但打定主意要采取行動而非坐以待斃，讓我覺得自己已經做了什么，好像正從我尚未投資、更沒賺到的錢中來獲取利潤。
但我也清楚道我用“回頭再試”為自己的人生筑起一道防線，就這樣度過幾個月、幾個季節(jié)、整整幾年、或者一輩子，除了銘刻在每一天的“回頭再試”之外，什么都沒有。對于奧利弗這樣的人來說，“回頭再試”是管用的。而“回頭不試，更待何時”是我的口令。
回頭不試，更待何時？如果他看穿了我，用那八個尖刻的字揭發(fā)我一個又一個秘密怎么辦？
我必須讓他知道，我對他毫無興趣。

 
What sent me into a total tailspin was talking to him a few mornings later in the garden and finding, not only that he was turning a deaf ear to all of my blandishments on behalf of Chiara, but that I was on the totally wrong track.
“What do you mean, wrong track?”
“I’m not interested.”
I didn’t know if he meant not interested in discussing it, or not interested in Chiara.
“Everyone is interested.”
“Well, maybe. But not me.”
Still unclear.
There was something at once dry, irked, and fussy in his voice.
“But I saw you two.”
“What you saw was not your business to see. Anyway, I’m not playing this game with either her or you.”
 
令我徹底陷入迷茫的是，幾天后的早上，我在花園跟他說話，發(fā)現(xiàn)他不僅對我對奇亞拉的美言充耳不聞，而且我根本搞錯了方向。
“你說搞錯方向是什么意思？”
“我沒興趣。”
我不知道他的意思是沒興趣討論，還是對奇亞拉沒興趣。
“大家都有興趣。”
“嗯，或許吧?？墒俏覜]有。”
仍然不明朗。
他的聲音有一種既冷淡、惱怒又吹毛求疵的成分。
“可是我看見你們在一起。”
“你看到的不關你的事?？傊?，我不跟你也不跟她玩這種游戲。”