雙語(yǔ)讀劇：Call me by ...（一）05:我一直不露痕跡

I had put reading last on my list, thinking that, with the willful, brazen attitude he’d displayed so far, reading would figure last on his. A few hours later, when I remembered that he had just finished writing a book on Heraclitus and that “reading” was probably not an insignificant part of his life, I realized that I needed to perform some clever backpedaling and let him know that my real interests lay right alongside his. What unsettled me, though, was not the fancy footwork needed to redeem myself. It was the unwelcome misgivings with which it finally dawned on me, both then and during our casual conversation by the train tracks, that I had all along, without seeming to, without even admitting it, already been trying—and failing—to win him over.
When I did offer—because all visitors loved the idea—to take him to San Giacomo and walk up to the very top of the belfry we nicknamed To-die-for1, I should have known better than to just stand there without a comeback. I thought I’d bring him around simply by taking him up there and letting him take in the view of the town, the sea, eternity. But no. Later!
 
我把“讀書(shū)”放在愛(ài)好的最末位，因?yàn)槲艺J(rèn)為以他截至目前為止表現(xiàn)出來(lái)的任性固執(zhí)與滿不在乎，閱讀對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)應(yīng)該是敬陪末座。但幾個(gè)小時(shí)后，我想起來(lái)他剛剛完成一本探討赫拉克利特2的書(shū)，“閱讀”在他的生活中可能并非微不足道。我意識(shí)到我必須機(jī)靈點(diǎn)，改弦易轍，讓他知道我真正的興趣是跟他一致的。然而令我心煩意亂的并不是替自己扳回一城所需要的復(fù)雜策略，而是害怕討人嫌的疑慮讓我終于醒悟：雖然當(dāng)時(shí)，或我們?cè)阼F軌旁閑聊時(shí)，我一直不露痕跡、甚至不愿承認(rèn)地努力想要贏得他的好感——然而卻徒勞無(wú)功。
我提議帶他去圣吉亞科莫（訪客都很喜歡那里），登上我們戲稱為“死也要看”的鐘塔頂端時(shí)，我不該笨到只是呆站著吐不出一句機(jī)智的反駁。我原以為只要帶他登上塔頂，讓他看看這城鎮(zhèn)、這片海、永恒的景致，就能爭(zhēng)取到他的認(rèn)同。可是不然。又是一句“回頭再說(shuō)”！
 
But it might have started way later than I think without my noticing anything at all. You see someone, but you don’t really see him, he’s in the wings. Or you notice him, but nothing clicks, nothing “catches,” and before you’re even aware of a presence, or of something troubling you, the six weeks that were offered you have almost passed and he’s either already gone or just about to leave, and you’re basically scrambling to come to terms with something, which, unbeknownst to you, has been brewing for weeks under your very nose and bears all the symptoms of what you’re forced to call I want. How couldn’t I have known, you ask? I know desire when I see it—and yet, this time, it slipped by completely. I was going for the devious smile that would suddenly light up his face each time he’d read my mind, when all I really wanted was skin, just skin.
 
但一切的開(kāi)始也可能比我想的要晚得多，在我渾然不覺(jué)的時(shí)候。你看見(jiàn)某個(gè)人，但你其實(shí)沒(méi)把他看進(jìn)眼里，他尚在幕后準(zhǔn)備登場(chǎng)；或者你注意到他了，可是沒(méi)有觸動(dòng)，沒(méi)有“火花”，甚至在你意識(shí)到某個(gè)存在或有什么困擾你之前，你所擁有的六個(gè)星期就快要過(guò)完，而到那時(shí)候他要么已然不在，要么即將離開(kāi)。基本上你此時(shí)正忙亂地要去正視并接受些“什么”，這個(gè)“什么”在你混沌不知的情況下，當(dāng)著你的面醞釀了數(shù)周，它所有的癥狀都逼著你不得不說(shuō)出我想要。我們會(huì)問(wèn)自己：怎么沒(méi)能早點(diǎn)明白？我一向清楚欲望為何物啊。然而，這次它就這么悄悄溜過(guò)，不著痕跡。我迷戀他每次看破我心思時(shí)臉上閃現(xiàn)的那抹瞬間明媚的狡黯微笑，而我真心渴望的其實(shí)是皮肉，只是他的身體而已。