雅思大作文點(diǎn)評(píng):應(yīng)幫助當(dāng)?shù)厣鐓^(qū)還是國(guó)際組織？

　　ome people think we should provide help for the local communities. Others think we should give money and support to the national and international organizations. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

　　The developments of local communities and national international organizations are important results caused by social improvement. Thus a heatedly discussed issue is that whether (兩個(gè)連詞引導(dǎo)一個(gè)從句，明顯錯(cuò)誤) we should help the local communities or provide money and support to the national and international organizations (這句照抄了題目里的句子) . However in my opinion they are both necessary and complementary that we should not quit neither of them.

　　點(diǎn)評(píng)：2+1’的模式，最后一句話正面表達(dá)了作者自己的觀點(diǎn)。但是前兩句話寫(xiě)得并不好，要么有錯(cuò)誤，要么照抄了題目里的句子。

　　Local communities play an important role in our daily life. Meanwhile they contribute a lot to the cultrual development. A unforgetable memory is that I joined a local league whose aim is to help the senior citizens in need when I was in high school. The group I belonged to was respected to help an old lady who lived alone and in a poor health. Our regular visits made her didn't feel lonely any longer. 　 What's more, 　 our activities jnflunced other citizens living in the same community, 　 and they egan to help the old lady as well. A good atmosphere formed. It's not difficult to imagine how terrible our life will be without local vommunities, those who need help may receive much less cocerns, and people's sense and awareness of helping each others whould fade away.

　　點(diǎn)評(píng)：這段有許多問(wèn)題需要澄清一下：

　　1 .段落中舉例的問(wèn)題。例證法是段落展開(kāi)的常用方法，但是在雅思考試中不宜用太過(guò)冗長(zhǎng)或描述很具體的例子，這樣會(huì)顯得段落太過(guò)繁瑣的。以上就是明證，盡管作者企圖用個(gè)具體的例子來(lái)證明自己的觀點(diǎn)，但是效果并不好。由于，例子太長(zhǎng)，犯了很多語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤。

　　2 .單詞拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤過(guò)多也會(huì)降分。

　　Some people hold the opinion that national and international oranizations have nothing to do with us common people ，(這里需有個(gè)逗號(hào)) which I strongly disagree with. The best example is the international children fund SOS. The organization have heop thousands of children who have no patent or home from different places. Maybe some of them is not far from us. To many degrees, national and international organizations are the advanced form of local communities, they have the similar functions and effects.

　　點(diǎn)評(píng)：這段寫(xiě)的比較簡(jiǎn)潔，反而容易理解。

　　In other words, local communities and national and international organizations are the two sides of a coin. We can begin with helping local communities, then, we can go on to support the national and international organizations. ( 306words )