雅思9分例文：電視上的暴力問題

       The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

　　It has been suggested that the government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the rate of violent crimes in society.  It would certainly be easy to garner support for such a move, but solely adapting such a policy will do little to effect social change. ( 54 words )

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):1+1'的模式,最后一句是主題句,表達(dá)了對(duì)這種做法的不滿.但是,缺點(diǎn)是第1句話照抄題目,這是要被扣分的!

 

　　The question has often been raised as to what extent media violence actually influences behavior.  One can readily recount incidences of a child or young person viewing some violent behavior in a movie or on television and then trying to reproduce that situation in real life.  It is hard to estimate the amount of violence which can be traced back to television shows or movies but the existence of such incidences is undeniable.  Logically, removing this violent content should directly reduce the incidence of such violence but this relationship between violent media content and violent behavior is not so simple(此句是承上啟下的寫法,很多老外都喜歡這樣寫.實(shí)戰(zhàn)當(dāng)中可以借鑒一下,當(dāng)然不這樣寫也是完全可以的).(100 words)

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):1'+3模式.第1句是主題句,寫得比較籠統(tǒng),目的是為了簡(jiǎn)單地引出下文,后面三句則比較辯證地展開了論述.值得一提的是,這3句語(yǔ)言都不錯(cuò),都是長(zhǎng)句,大家可以分析并效仿一下.

 

　　While much has been recorded of young people imitating media violence, little has been directed to the influence of sad violence on those who are able to differentiate the imaginary situations in movies and on television from reality.(此句本身就是個(gè)長(zhǎng)句,很不錯(cuò).更值得一提的是,其內(nèi)容本身體現(xiàn)了老外寫作的辯證觀!在上一段中,指出media violence與voilent crimes之間的聯(lián)系,這里開始分析例外情況,即不把問題說絕了)  If one were to find no similar relationship it could be immediately surmised that the most direct solution is increased supervision of young people, and not themodification of media content.  The degree to which people are influenced by what they see in the media depends directly on how responsibly they are educated about the relationship of fiction and reality.(98 words)

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):1'+2模式.請(qǐng)注意,此文每段的句數(shù)都比較少,這是因?yàn)樽髡叩恼Z(yǔ)言功底比較強(qiáng),都是長(zhǎng)句,詞數(shù)已達(dá)到要求,因此沒有進(jìn)一步展開,對(duì)于一般的同學(xué)來(lái)說,支持句至少寫4句!

 

　　Watching comedies does not transform one into a comedian, and watching violent movies does not directly make one violent(通過類比,即analogy,來(lái)說明media violence與violent crimes的關(guān)系,很好!!!).   Rather than taking crude half measures to repair complex social problems, more focus must be placed on the nature of interpersonal relationships, social responsibility and personal accountability.(46 words)

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):最后一段總結(jié)了主體段所體現(xiàn)的辯證觀.注意對(duì)比此文的首段和尾段,明顯的最后段是對(duì)第一段最后一句話(即主題句)的擴(kuò)充展開,做到了首尾呼應(yīng)!

 

　　總評(píng):

 

　　此文屬于4段式寫法,也是一種比較實(shí)用的作文段落安排(即辯證式寫法,從兩個(gè)方面展開討論)

　　此文唯一的缺點(diǎn)就是全文第1句話照抄了題目。