(中英)現(xiàn)代散文:男人 On Men

On Men

男　人

◎ Liang Shiqiu

◎　梁實(shí)秋

What strikes us first of all in men is their uncleanliness. There are of course no lack of men who always make a point of keeping themselves spick-and-span. And some of them even make up heavily and dress respectably. But, generally speaking, men consume a smaller quantity of soap and water than women. A certain boys' school made it compulsory for its students to take a bath regularly. Every student had to sign his name before taking a bath so that the school authorities could conduct a weekly checkup. Those who violated the regulation for the first time would have their names published. The drastic measure for those who repeated the offence was to force them to take a bath regularly under surveillance. Nevertheless, abuses crept in with time. Forgery was often discovered among the signatures. Some men, although they wear smooth-ironed Western-style pants, leave much dirt behind their ears and around their necks — so much that it is good enough for growing wheat! Their unwashed socks and handkerchiefs accumulate and are left here and there in unseen corners. When no more clean ones are available, some of the less dirty ones are picked out from the filthy stock to meet an urgent need. Men's handkerchiefs, curled up into blackened balls, look like fruit cakes made of wholemeal flour and have a very rich content of their own. Men's feet, for the most part, seem to have a distinctive smell of their own, like that of pickles, dried vegetables and sweetened garlic all mixed together. There is some truth in the saying, "The running water of a long river is good for washing one's feet." Therefore, it goes without saying that a small basin of water will hardly suffice for the same purpose. But lots of men begrudge using even a mere basin of water to wash their feet — perhaps for fear of sapping their vitality and spirit! Dirty as their feet are, some men are so eccentric as to indulge in passing their fingers repeatedly among their stinking toes and then smelling their fingers with gusto. Some men, when they wash up, they concentrate only on the face proper, without touching the rest of the head and without wetting the back of the hand. Some do not brush their teeth until after they get married. The addiction to "chatting while cracking body lice with fingernails" is unique to men only. Probably, men's uncleanliness is due to their laziness.

男人令人首先感到的印象是臟①！當(dāng)然，男人當(dāng)中亦不乏刷洗干凈潔身自好的②，甚至還有油頭粉面衣冠楚楚的③，但大體講來，男人消耗肥皂和水的數(shù)量要比較少些。某一男校，對于學(xué)生洗澡是強(qiáng)迫的，入浴簽名，每周計(jì)核，對于不曾入浴的初步懲罰是宣布姓名，最后的斷然處置是定期強(qiáng)迫入浴，并派員監(jiān)視，然而日久玩生，簽名簿中尚不無浮冒情事。有些男人，西裝褲盡管挺直，他的耳后脖根，土壤肥沃，常常宜于種麥！襪子手絹不知隨時(shí)洗滌，常常日積月累，到處塞藏，等到無可使用時(shí)，再從那一堆污垢存貨當(dāng)中揀選比較干凈的去應(yīng)急。有些男人的手絹，拿出來硬像是土灰面制的百果糕，黑糊糊粘成一團(tuán)，而且內(nèi)容豐富。男人的一雙腳，多半好像是天然的具有泡菜霉干菜再加糖蒜的味道，所謂“濯足萬里流”是有道理的，小小的一盆水確是無濟(jì)于事，然而多少男人卻連這一盆水都吝而不用，怕傷元?dú)?。兩腳既然如此之臟，偏偏有些“逐臭之夫”喜于腳上藏垢納污之處往復(fù)挖掘，然后嗅其手指，引以為樂！多少男人洗臉都是專洗本部，邊疆一概不理，洗臉完畢，手背可以不濕，有的男人是在結(jié)婚后才開始刷牙?！皰惺劉堋钡氖悄腥恕Ｄ腥说呐K大概是由于懶。

Indeed, men are lazy. You will find them lolling in a revolving chair, dumb like a wooden chicken, their five sense organs, their four limbs as well as their brain (if any) all at a complete standstill. What Confucius says about those who eat their fill all day without doing any work obviously refers to men exclusively. When men go shopping, their wives are seldom satisfied with their purchases because they never bother to shop around, never bother to do more walking and talking, never bother to bargain over prices. They hate to be bothered about anything except that which is to be done on their behalf by others. Like disabled persons, they will sit idle to enjoy the fruits of others' labour. And they call all that "domestic bliss"!

對了！男人懶。他可以懶洋洋坐在旋椅上，五官四肢，連同他的腦筋（假如有），一概停止活動，像呆鳥一般：“不聞夫博弈者乎……⑤”那段話是專對男人說的。他若是上街買東西⑥，很少時(shí)候能令他的妻子滿意，他總是不肯多問幾家⑦，怕跑腿，怕費(fèi)話，怕講價(jià)錢。什么事他都嫌麻煩，除了指使別人替他做的事之外，他像殘廢人一樣，對于什么事都愿坐享其成，而名之曰“室家之樂”。

Closely linked to men's laziness is their gluttony. Men mostly have a good appetite. Their mouth is most of the time busy eating. They will brand their meal as a vegetarian one unless they can spot in the dishes a piece of meat at least one inch square and half an inch thick. They will complain like hell after a couple of meatless days. Men who have gone half a year without eating chicken will start drooling copiously at the sight of even a feather duster. A sumptuous dinner can change their outlook on life and make them sanguine about everything. During a good meal, genuine thankfulness to Heaven for its overflowing bounty will be written all over their faces. After the meal, sporting a toothpick between their teeth, they will be glowing with smug satisfaction. Women do the cooking, men are gourmets.

緊毗連著“懶”的是“饞”。男人大概有好胃口的居多。他的嘴，用在吃的方面的時(shí)候多，他吃飯時(shí)總要在菜碟里發(fā)現(xiàn)至少一英寸見方半英寸厚的肉，才能算是沒有吃素。幾天不見肉，他就喊“嘴里要淡出鳥兒來！”⑧有一個人半年沒有吃雞，看見了雞毛帚就流涎三尺。一餐盛饌之后，他的人生觀都能改變，對于什么都樂觀起來。一個男人在吃一頓好飯的時(shí)候，他臉上的表情硬是在感謝上天待人不薄：他飯后銜著一根牙簽，紅光滿面，硬是覺得可以驕人。主中饋的是女人，修食譜的是男人。⑨

Men are mostly self-centered. It is the basic tenet of their philosophy of life that all universe should function to ensure their personal comfort. They always act like overlords except when, in working to earn money, they need to behave submissively and servilely towards others. They regard their homes as kingdoms under their rule. They are Epicureans obsessed with pleasure-seeking except when they have to toil strenuously for money. When they are in a cheerful mood, they can crawl about on all fours like dogs with their kids riding on their craned necks. When they are in a bad mood, they seem to find everybody at home an eyesore. When they feel they have been wronged by somebody, they will come home to take it out all on their own folks. They don't know how hard their wives suffer. They take their wives' tender care and submissiveness for granted and regard them as something very commonplace, like dogs guarding their homes and cocks crowing to herald the break of day. Instead of truly loving their wives as they claim, they simply make use of them. They try to squeeze as much as possible out of others without ever stopping to think how much they themselves have given. They think it is their greatest favour to their wives to bring back all or part of the money they have earned. But, when they produce from their pockets rolls upon rolls of banknotes, their faces reveal more pride than love, as if saying, "Look at me! Can you be as smart as I am? I'm treating you so well. How lucky you are!" When they think their homes are no longer their paradises, they invent many excuses for staying away. They will go here and there to seek new paradises: dinner parties, cocktail parties, painting and calligraphy exhibitions, chess games or night clubs. Failing all of them, they can at least find a tea house to while away their time. They have many ways to enjoy themselves. If transmigration were true so that they could be lucky enough to be reincarnated as humans, few of them would choose to be women in their next life. They would invariably feel they had not enjoyed enough as males in this life and therefore had to make up for it after they were reborn.

男人多半自私。他的人生觀中有一基本認(rèn)識，即宇宙一切均是為了他的舒適而安排下來的。除了在做事賺錢的時(shí)候不得不忍氣吞聲地向人奴膝婢顏外，他總是要做出一副老爺相。他的家便是他的國度，他在家里稱王。他除了為賺錢而吃苦努力外，他是一個“伊比鳩派⑩，”他要享受。他高興的時(shí)候，孩子可以騎在他的頸上，他引頸受騎，他可以像狗似的滿地爬；他不高興時(shí)，他看著誰都不順眼，在外面受了悶氣，回到家里來加倍地發(fā)作。他不知道女人的苦處。女人對于他的殷勤委曲，在他看來，就如同犬守戶、雞司晨一樣的稀松平常，都是自然現(xiàn)象。他說他愛女人，其實(shí)他不是愛，是享受女人。他不問他給了別人多少，但是他要在別人身上盡量榨取。他覺得他對女人最大的恩惠，便是把賺來的錢全部或一部拿回家來，但是當(dāng)他把一卷卷的鈔票從衣袋里掏出來的時(shí)候，他的臉上的表情是驕傲的成分多，親愛的成分少，好像是在說：“看我！你行么！我這樣待你，你多幸運(yùn)！”他若是感覺到這家不復(fù)是他的樂園，他便有多樣的借口不回到家里來。他到處云游，他另辟樂園。他有聚餐會，他有酒會，他有橋會，他有書會畫會棋會，他有夜會，最不濟(jì)的還有個茶館。他的享樂的方法太多。假如輪回之說不假，下世僥幸依然投胎為人，很少男人情愿下世做女人的。他總覺得這一世生為男身，而享受未足，下一世要繼續(xù)努力?。

It is a common failing among human beings to engage in idle gossip. But men's gossip is generally different from that of women in content. The topics of women's chitchat are often like these, "Our little daughter is ill again!", "What are your family expenses like?". Men, however, are different in their own way. They, as a rule, will never call it a day until their conversation has covered something about women. Women constitute the most intriguing topic of men's conversation. When a legal case involving a sex scandal crops up, they desire to see it go on indefinitely. They take pleasure in gossiping about other people's private life and commenting on the character and appearance of other people's wives. Gossipy men, known as "long-tongued men", are found everywhere although the epithet is somehow none too popular yet.

“群居終日，言不及義?”，原是人的通病，但是言談的內(nèi)容，卻男女有別。女人談的往往是“我們家的小妹又病了！”“你們家每月開銷多少？?”之類。男人的是另一套，普通的方式，男人的談話，最后不談到女人身上便不會散場?。這一個題目對男人最有興味。如果有一個桃色案他們唯恐其和解得太快。他們好議論人家的陰私，好批評別人的妻子的性格相貌?！伴L舌男”是到處有的，不知為什么這名詞尚不甚流行。

梁實(shí)秋（1902—1987），北京人，原籍浙江杭縣，我國著名現(xiàn)代作家、教育家、翻譯家，一生致力于英國文學(xué)研究。他的主要譯著是《莎士比亞全集》。他在《男人》一文中從自己個人的觀察角度出發(fā)，大膽描繪男人的一些典型特點(diǎn)，文字幽默詼諧，俏皮夸張，極盡戲謔之能事。所談男人的一些毛病當(dāng)然不能一概而論，但男女有別，這些毛病大多非女人所共有。