(中英)現(xiàn)代散文:饑餓 Hunger

Hunger

饑　餓

◎ Xie Bingying

◎　謝冰瑩

Believe it or not, I've been starving for four days on end.

說出來，有誰相信呢①？我已經(jīng)四天沒吃飯了。

At first, I ate nothing but four baked cakes or two small buns per day, then I cut them down by half and then by another half, until I didn't even own a copper for buying boiled water. When I was thirsty, I would stand under a tap and let its running water pour down my throat through my wide-open mouth. I felt bloated. There was a pain and chill in my stomach. I cannot tell you enough how miserable I was.

起初是一天吃四個(gè)燒餅，或者兩個(gè)小面包；后來由四個(gè)減成兩個(gè)，再由兩個(gè)減成一個(gè)，最后簡直窮得連買開水的一個(gè)銅板也沒有了?？诳蕰r(shí)就張開嘴來，站在自來水管的龍頭下，一扭開來，就讓水灌進(jìn)嘴里，喝得肚子脹得飽飽的，又冷又痛，那滋味真有說不出的難受。

How did it come that I had been reduced to such poverty? It was because the school where I studied had got into trouble. Many students had been arrested and taken to the police station. Some students had moved house and some had gone home. The school canteen was closed because it refused to serve meals on credit. While trying to rescue the arrested fellow students, I meanwhile had to find enough money to pay my living expenses. So I was terribly busy.

為什么會(huì)窮到這個(gè)地步呢？那時(shí)學(xué)校里發(fā)生了問題，許多同學(xué)被抓進(jìn)捕房②去了，許多同學(xué)搬了家，也有些回去了的，廚房不肯賒賬，他再不愿意開飯給我們吃了。我那時(shí)一面還進(jìn)行援救被捕同學(xué)的工作，一面又要籌備自己的生活費(fèi)，真是忙得頭昏眼花。

Pressed by hunger, I would visit Chunchao Bookstore every day to seek a loan of money. When Kang Nong or Fu Hua was there, I would have no problem in borrowing a couple of silver dollars through them. But I seldom found them in the store and the clerks of course had no say in this matter. Therefore, in nine times out of ten nothing would come of my visit there.

實(shí)在餓得不能忍受了，才每天跑去春潮書店借錢。如果遇到康農(nóng)和撫華兩人在，還可借給我三元五元③，但他們在店里的日子是很少的，伙計(jì)們自然不敢做主，因此去十次總有九次落空的。

I was beside myself with joy the day when I found my book The Diary of a Woman Soldier published at long last. Pasted up at the door of the bookstore was an eye-catching colourful poster advertising the book. I went into the store full of curiosity, and, as an ordinary customer would do, took from the shelf a copy of the book, which had on its bright-red front cover a cartoon by Feng Zikai's daughter portraying a little woman soldier riding on a cow. I didn't buy it for I knew I was entitled as its author to at least ten complimentary copies.

那是我最快樂的一天，《從軍日記》出版了！春潮書店的大門口貼著一張用各種不同顏色寫的又鮮明又動(dòng)人的廣告，我懷著一顆好奇心走了進(jìn)去，也像顧客一般，從書架上抽出來一本封面鮮紅、是豐子愷先生的女公子畫的小兵騎牛的《從軍日記》來看。但我沒有買它，因?yàn)槲抑溃辽倏梢詿o條件地得到十本的④。

I need money badly. May I have a few dollars now out of the royalties on my book?

“我沒有錢用了，請你付幾元錢的版稅給我好嗎？”

Seeing no customers around, I whispered to the cashier with embarrassment.

趁著店里沒有買主的時(shí)候，我這樣含羞地輕聲問那位管賬的。

No, not now. Royalty payments are made only twice a year. How could I pay you ahead of time?

“不能，版稅一年只能結(jié)算兩次⑤，現(xiàn)在還不到時(shí)候，我怎好付給你呢？”

I just can't wait. Today you've got to give me an advance of a few dollars. I wouldn't be here bothering you if I could help it. Believe me, I can't even afford the streetcar fare going back home. I came here on foot.

“我等不到結(jié)算版稅的時(shí)候了，今天非預(yù)支幾元不可。我如果不到萬不得已的時(shí)候，也決不會(huì)催討的。你不信，我連回去搭電車的錢都沒有，來的時(shí)候也是跑路的?！?

The uncontrollable desire for food burning within me, I ignored all propriety and poured out my complaints without feeling ashamed. The cashier seemed apathetic, smiling a sardonic smile. A young clerk, however, was kind enough to tell me,

饑餓之火在我的腹內(nèi)燃燒著，我忘記了什么是羞恥⑥，這樣訴苦時(shí)，好像一點(diǎn)也不覺得難為情。但對方只是冷冷地一笑，似乎并不同情我，倒是一個(gè)小伙計(jì)對我很好，他說：

You just need to wait a little while. I'm sure your book will sell quick. Soon you can take all the money that comes from today's sale of it.

“你多等一會(huì)兒吧，買你的書的人一定不少，等下收進(jìn)多少錢，你就通通拿去好了?！?

The cashier cast an angry sidelong glance at the young clerk, but he had to keep silent in my presence and worked his abacus with a vengeance.

管賬的用著怒眼斜視著小伙計(jì)，但因我在旁邊，他沒有說什么，只是重重地打著算盤⑦。

I volunteered to serve as a temporary clerk, ready to hand the book in person to any young customer who wanted to buy it. They often had no idea that I was the author of the book. Some didn't like the way I did the wrapping and looked somewhat displeased. The young clerk was about to tell a customer who I was when I immediately stopped him by tipping him a wink. The young man was confused and, after looking me up and down for a while, walked off in sulky silence.

我充當(dāng)臨時(shí)的店員，進(jìn)來買《從軍日記》的青年，我都愿意親自將書遞給他。但對方并不知道我就是那本書的作者，有幾個(gè)顧客嫌我包的書不好，表示很生氣的樣子，小伙計(jì)正想告訴他我是誰時(shí)，我連忙使了個(gè)眼色制止了他，弄得那位青年莫名其妙地打量了我很久，然后悻悻然地離去。

To my great surprise, I got as much as five dollars towards evening. On my way home, I travelled first class in a streetcar instead of third class. The moment I stepped into it, chin up and chest out, the conductor barked pointing to the front compartment, "Third class in the front!" Judging by the way I was dressed, he must have thought I was too poor to travel first class. I quickly showed him the fiver in my hand and demanded by way of a protest,

快到黃昏的時(shí)候，我居然拿到了五元錢。歸來，我不再搭三等車了，趾高氣揚(yáng)地跑進(jìn)了頭等車，那位售票員忙指著前面一節(jié)車說：“到三等車去吧！”他大概看見我穿的衣服太破舊，以為一定是個(gè)坐不起頭等車的窮光蛋。我忙把五塊錢的鈔票⑧拿在手里，故意向他示威：

Hey, give me my change!

“喂，找錢來吧！”

He was silent, lowering his head.

他這才低下頭不做聲了。

A young man sitting beside me happened to be reading my The Diary of a Woman Soldier. He boldly recommended me the book and advised me to go and buy a copy for myself. I replied,

意外地遇到一個(gè)青年拿了一本《從軍日記》坐在我的旁邊看，他竟大膽地向我宣傳，要我去買一本來看看，我回答他：

I don't like this book because I don't think it's good for a woman to be a soldier.

“我不贊成女人當(dāng)兵，所以也不喜歡看這本書?！?

He was much annoyed at my remark and called me a diehard.

他聽了非常不高興，竟罵我思想頑固。

A 20th century woman shouldn't go against the trend of the times! said he angrily.

“廿世紀(jì)時(shí)代的女性不應(yīng)該這樣開倒車的！”他氣憤憤地說。

I purposely kept up the argument till it attracted the attention of all passengers. After I got off the streetcar at the Carter Road stop, I hurried excitedly to call on Guang Guang. Being hard up, she and Yuan Zhen were immensely pleased to see me, guessing I must have brought some money with me to share with them. I quickly gave them two dollars and spent the remaining two dollars and something treating them to dinner at a small eatery. I returned home with only a few cents left. But I didn't care, because I knew I had had a full meal to last me three days without feeling hungry.

我故意和他辯論了很久，惹得全車廂的人都注意起來。車子駛到卡德路，我就下來了。懷著一顆興奮的心，跑去找光光。她和元真正窮得沒法過日子，見我去時(shí)很高興，猜想我一定拿到了錢，連忙向我瓜分。我立刻給了她們兩元，其余的兩元多，就花在請她們吃飯的小館子里，等到回去，又只剩幾毛錢了。但我并不難受，我覺得吃了一頓飽飯，至少可以挨餓三天。

It was also at this time that I started to take to drinking. The poorer one is, the more he looks upon money as dirt. I often wonder why a miser should be so rigid in self-denial, even grudging to spend every single cent for himself. All I seek is inner joy. The material life, however hard it is, will never affect my mind and will. When I have money, I'll share it with friends in need, or go to a restaurant to eat and drink to my heart's content, or buy and bring home many things I like to eat, such as dried shrimps, dried roast beef, salted duck's gizzard and liver, candies. When I'm broke, I'll go strolling around the streets alone on an empty stomach, or shut myself up in my small room with nothing to eat, or lie in bed sleeping for a couple of days or reading an interesting novel, just to while away the terrible long days.

學(xué)會(huì)喝酒，也是在這個(gè)時(shí)候。一個(gè)人到了越窮困的時(shí)候，對于金錢便越視為糞土，我常常奇怪一錢如命的守財(cái)奴，為什么要這樣刻苦自己，半文錢也不肯花。我只要精神痛快，物質(zhì)生活哪怕再苦些，也不能絲毫影響我的思想和意志。有錢時(shí)我分些給窮朋友用，或者跑到館子里大吃大喝一頓，或者買許多我愛吃的蝦米、牛肉干、鴨肫肝和糖果回來；窮困時(shí)，就一個(gè)人跑去馬路上喝西北風(fēng)⑨，躲在亭子間里喝自來水⑩，或者索性蒙在被窩里睡兩天，看看有趣的小說，以消磨這可怕的長日。

If I'm asked what it is like to go hungry, my answer is prompt and clear-cut, "Keep starving yourself for four days, my dear friend, and you'll know." Honestly, hunger is even more painful than death. It is the greatest of all human sufferings. When you hear your own stomach rumbling with hunger, you'll feel as if a large snake were trying to gnaw its way out of your belly. Sometimes, you feel so giddy that you cannot rise from your bed no matter how hard you try to, and your legs feel like jelly so that you cannot walk. Sometimes, you feel nauseous, but you throw up nothing but the gastric juice. You may even feel like gulping down a piece of flesh bitten off your own arm so as to appease your unbearable hunger. That made me believe as true the tragic story of ancients driven by hunger "to eat the flesh of each other's son" and victims of some calamity-stricken areas cooking corpses as food.

如果有人問我：“饑餓的滋味怎樣？”?我立刻干脆地回答他：“朋友，請你四天不吃一點(diǎn)東西，餓一下試試吧?！崩蠈?shí)說，饑餓的確比死還要難受，比受了任何巨大深刻的痛苦還要苦。當(dāng)你聽到腸子餓得咕咕地叫時(shí)，好像有一條巨蛇要從你的腹內(nèi)咬破了皮肉鉆出來一般；有時(shí)你餓得頭昏眼花，坐起來又倒下去了，想要走路，一雙腿是酸軟的，拖也拖不動(dòng)；有時(shí)一口口的酸水從肚子里翻上來，使你嘔吐，但又吐不出半點(diǎn)東西；更有時(shí)餓得實(shí)在不能忍受了，就想在自己的胳膀上咬下一塊肉來吞下去，這時(shí)我才相信古時(shí)“易子而食”和現(xiàn)在有些地方把死人的肉煮來當(dāng)飯吃的慘事是真的。

Destitute as I am, I can bear my privation with great fortitude. I never yield, never bow to the rich, never think that a woman's way out is to marry a wealthy man.

雖然這樣窮困，但我這副硬骨頭始終不屈服，不向有錢的人低頭，更不像別人認(rèn)為女人的出路是找個(gè)有錢的丈夫。

Hunger deepens my knowledge of present-day society and gives me more courage to live. From now on, I'm going to redouble my efforts to struggle not only for myself, but also for thousands upon thousands of young men and women who, like me, are on the brink of starvation.

饑餓只有加深我對現(xiàn)社會(huì)的認(rèn)識(shí)，只有加強(qiáng)我生的勇氣，從此我更要奮斗，為了自己，也為了萬萬千千和我同樣在饑餓線上掙扎著的青年男女。

謝冰瑩（1906—2000），湖南新化人，是我國現(xiàn)代杰出女作家，以豐碩的散文創(chuàng)作著稱。她曾兩度從軍，經(jīng)歷坎坷，不愧為一代奇女，其散文真切熱情、大膽粗樸，始終充滿時(shí)代精神——反舊禮教、反封建勢力、反帝國主義、同情勞苦大眾。1948年她去臺(tái)灣師范學(xué)院任教，從此一直在海外漂流。新中國成立以來，大陸廣大青年讀者對這位蜚聲中外的“女兵”作家卻知之甚少。現(xiàn)把她的《饑餓》一文譯成英文，以饗讀者。此文描述她在1928年因逃婚而只身從家鄉(xiāng)到上海賣文為生，隨后入大學(xué)，經(jīng)常身無分文，但斗志彌堅(jiān)。