Jason: Day-Oh! Daay-Oh! Daylight come and me want to go home. Day! Me say Day! Me say
Day! [Continues singing] Oh, oh! Well, thank you, thank you. I thank you and my meat thanks
you.
Carol: I just thank God I didn’t bring home any of my friends.
Maggie: Oh, me too.
Jason: Ben!
Ben: I’m not ashamed of you at all, Dad.
Jason: Thank you!
Ben: Stinky Sullivan’s dad plays the Star-Spangled Banner on his armpit. And Mom you’re
looking especially lovely this afternoon.
Maggie: Why, thank you, Benjamin.
Ben: Boy, what a lucky guy I am to have such a beautiful Mom and a musical Dad.
Jason: Well, I think we’re the lucky parents Ben because we have a son who says such nice
things about us and not only because he’s trying to butter us up or something, but just
because he cares, right?
Ben: Excuse me a minute. Don’t go away.
Jason: What would you like to hear next?
[Next scene]
Ben: Mike, your scam didn’t work.
Mike: How could it not work?
Ben: I didn’t even get to finish the buttering up stuff. Dad caught me off with one of those
looks of his where he squints his eyes.
Mike: Are you sure you didn’t mention anything about wanting a new bike?
Ben: No. I never got that far. What’ll I do now?
Mike: Well, you buff that fender while I think.
Ben: Anything, Mike. I gotta have that bike! Got to! Got to! Got to! It’s so cool!
Mike: Ok, ok. Alright, just take it easy. You missed a spot there.
Ben: Oh, sorry.
Mike: Alright, just watch what you’re doing. Ok, now the first thing we got to work on is the
sincerity of your delivery.
Ben: Sincerity?
Mike: Yea, see, sincerity is the most important thing parents look for in their kids. If you can’t
fake that, you’re dead meat.
Ben: Uh huh.
Mike: Ben, you got to rub harder than that, alright? How can I teach something that
complicated if you can’t even buff my car?
Ben: Oh, I can. I can! I’ll prove it. Mike, you got to help me! You’re so slick, you could con
people into doing anything, even if they don’t want to, and they don’t even know it!
Mike: Don’t forget the chrome.
Ben: AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
[Next scene]
Jason: So, Ben, where were we?
Ben: Huh?
Jason: Well, you were telling us what great parents we were and then you said, oh excuse me
a minute and you left.
Ben: Oh, yea. Forget it.
Maggie: Well, I want to talk to you about all this screaming business. You’re getting far too old
for it.
Ben: Then tell Mike to keep away from me.
Maggie: What did Mike do?
Ben: Well, he acted like he was gonna help me, but all he wanted me to do was wax his stupid
car.
Maggie: Help you do what?
Ben: He was showing me how to get you guys to buy me a new… Um, excuse me a minute. I
got to go to the bathroom or something.
Carol: Ben, can’t you go sulk in your own room? Ok, ok, what is it?
Ben: Well, see, there’s this really rad new bike called “The Sidewalk Screamer” and I just got
to have it, but I know if I ask Mom or Dad for it, they’ll say I already got a bike. Even though
it’s old and pukey. So I went to Mike for advice. And he told me this really neat way to ask
them for it and when I tried it, it didn’t work. So, I went back to Mike and all he did was con
me into waxing his car.
Carol: You went to Mike for help?
Ben: What’s wrong with that?
Carol: He’s a slime ball.
Ben: Hey, he’s the neatest guy on Earth and he knows everything!
Carol: I thought you were mad at him!
Ben: Oh, yea. I like him so much, how come he treats me like this?
Mike: Hey, Ben, I figured out the perfect way for you to get that new bike.
Ben: Yea, really, what?
Mike: And I just may tell you if you come finish that wax job.
Ben: What a slime ball.
Carol: Where are you going?
Ben: Carol, I don’t have a choice.
Carol: Ben, sure you do! Now come on! Don’t let him do this to you! It’s sheer folly.
Ben: Carol, if Mike doesn’t help me, who will?
Carol: I will.
Ben: You? What do you know? You’re a girl.
Carol: I’ve gotten to you just in time. Ben, you know, Mike is not the only one in this family
who knows how to deal with Mom and Dad. Who in this house can stay up as late as she
wants?
Ben: Mom.
Carol: Me, Ben, me! And I can go out on a school night and I never, ever get punished.
Ben: That’s because you’re perfect, Carol. I can’t use that, they’re on to me.
Carol: Well, fine, then. Fine. Just go get taken by Mike, ok?
Ben: Ok, what do you got?
[Next scene]
Ben: Mom, Dad, I have a confession to make.
Maggie: Oh?
Ben: Well, you remember how I told you, you were beautiful and you were musical? I was
lying. I was just buttering you up to ask you for something. Sheer folly.
Jason: Sheer folly?
Maggie: Sit down, Ben.
Ben: I just wanted to apologize for getting so excited about this great new bike that even
Chris Kusman’s dad got him. Sometimes I don’t know what gets into me. I probably been
hanging around Mike too much.
Maggie: Honey, if you’d just come in here and told us that you wanted a new bike, we
would’ve…
Jason: Fainted. I’m kidding about fainting. Sorta kidding.
Maggie: How much is this bike?
Ben: $120.
Jason: For a bike?!
Ben: Well, what I’d really like to know is if I were to work real hard and save every penny,
would I have your permission to buy that bike myself?
Maggie: Why, of course, pumpkin.
Jason: Absolutely. We thought you meant for us to buy it for you.
Ben: Thanks, Mom.
Maggie: And honey if you can manage to save half of that, $60, we’ll pay for the other half.
Ben: You will?
Jason: We will?
[Next scene]
Mike: Hey, Ben! Ben!
Carol: He’s busy!
Mike: Well, he better not be. That wax starts to harden, he’s gonna have one heck of a time
getting a decent shine.
Carol: ben is not your personal lackey.
Mike: Oh?
Carol: Do you know what lackey means?
Mike: Of course, let’s hear what you think it means.
Carol: Slave.
Mike: Hey, that’s pretty close to my definition.
Carol: Yea, Right.
Mike: And for your information I don’t think of Ben as my slave. We just help each other out.
It’s part of a brother bonding thing that is very beautiful.
Ben: Carol! Carol! It worked perfect!
Carol: Oh, I told you it would!
Mike: What? What worked perfect?
Ben: They said everything you said they would.
Mike: Hey, what’s going on?
Carol: Ok, here’s the rest of my plan.
Mike: You know, I don’t even care what you guys are saying, I’m just listening out of kindness
here.
Ben: Whatever you say, Carol.
Carol: Alright. Here’s…
Mike: Hey!
Ben: Oh, hi Mike.
Mike: Come on, I thought you were going to help me with my car and I was going to help you
with your bike.
Ben: I don’t need your help, Mike.
Mike: Oh, no?
Carol: No, I helped Ben.
Ben: She sure did! And it wasn’t like your plan, Mike. It worked. Mom and Dad are going to
come up with half the money, just like you said they would.
Mike: Half of it? Half of it? Ha! Oh, so now all’s you gotta do is bust your tail to earn sixty
bucks and you’re home free. Good plan, great thinking there, Carol.
Ben: Oh, no, you never told me how I’m supposed to make the $60.
Carol: Ben, listen to me.
Mike: No, I think he’s listened to you just about enough. Now if you really want this bike, I
have some thoughts we can discuss while we buff the car, Ben, buddy.
Ben: Really, buddy?
Carol: You don’t need to earn the $60, Ben.
Ben: Buff your own stinking car, Mike.
Carol: Ok, now for the second part of my plan. You think any of your friends would be willing
to pay, say, $1 for your old bike?
Ben: Heck, yea! Who wouldn’t?
Carol: Alright, then all you have to do is sell sixty raffle tickets for a dollar a piece and the
winner gets your old bike.
Ben: Wow!
Mike: Hey, what a great… waste of time.
Carol: Uh, what part of my plan was too complicated for you, Mike? Let’s work out the details,
Benny.
Ben: I’m with you, Carol.
Mike: This plan is doomed, Ben. And only because it’s illegal to run a gambling operation in
this state if you’re not a nun or a priest. Oh, fine, then. Go ahead and ignore me. But when
Carol’s brilliant idea fails, which it will, I know you’ll come crawling back to me, Ben. Ben?
[Next scene]
TV: Tonight and every night this month, the longest mini-series in the history of television. Set
against the sprawling Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, brother pitted against brother…
Mike: I bet their sister started it.
Jason: Oh, it’s amazing, isn’t it? After all those years of medical school your dad is still out
there cleaning the kitchen.
Mike: Now, Dad, it is not my night to do the dishes. It’s Carol’s, I can prove it. I have a list.
Jason: Relax, Mike. Ben already did the dishes.
Mike: Yea, for Carol. It figures.
Maggie: Michael, your night to take out the trash.
Mike: Oh, just perfect, Mom.
Maggie: Where’s your brother and sister?
Mike: Oh, upstairs, laughing, joking, talking, sharing…
Jason: Well, I can certainly put a stop to that.
Maggie: Something wrong, Mike?
Mike: No, nothing you guys can understand.
Jason: Try us.
Mike: Do you have any idea what it’s like showing the kid the ropes, teaching him how to get
by, raising the kid from birth, and then, just one day, all of a sudden, you lose control.
Suddenly he just doesn’t listen to a word you say!
Jason: Well, I don’t have a clue. How about you, Maggie?
[Next scene]
Mike: Benny! Hey, Ben! I thought we could shoot a few hoops, maybe get some ice cream,
take out the trash. Hey, Ben!
Carol: Don’t move, Ben, or I’ll stick you.
Ben: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Carol: Hi, Mike! Ben, don’t move! I mean, with all the help I’m giving you on this raffle, it does
not hurt you to help me with a little chore of mine.
Mike: Uhh…
Carol: Mike, we’re busy. Get out.
Mike: Look, Mom and Dad sent me up here to get you. They said it’s your turn to take out the
trash.
Carol: It is not. It was my turn to do the dishes. which I have taken care of.
Mike: Look, All’s I know is they said for you to do it. Alright. Don’t move, Ben. I’m not done
with that half.
Ben: Stop looking at me!
Mike: What? I can’t help it. You look cute.
Ben: Leave me alone, Mike.
Mike: Hey, Benny, I’m just here to save you!
Ben: I’m fine.
Mike: You’re fine? Ben, don’t you see what’s happening here? I mean, you pass up a chance to
shoot a few hoops, maybe pig out on some ice cream so you can stand here in this dress?
Ben: It’s a gown!
Mike: So, that makes it ok? Ben, look, don’t you see what’s happening? Look you’re becoming
Carol’s lackey.
Ben: What’s that?
Mike: You don’t know what lackey means? Where you been?
Ben: In a gown, ok? What’s it mean?
Mike: Toady, grunt, slave.
Ben: Oh, you mean like what you use me for.
Mike: Ben, are you kidding? I mean have I ever once asked you to wear a dress?
Ben: No. I would’ve.
Mike: Ben, come on, man. Don’t you see what she’s doing to you?
Ben: Mike you can say anything you want, but Carol’s getting me a bike.
Mike: Uh huh. Boys bike or girls?
[Next scene]
Carol: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Have a fun time shopping! Take your time, I’ll keep my eye on Ben
and what’s his name.
Mike: Carol, come on! I’m dribbling here!
Carol: So use your sleeve.
Mike: Oh, you think you’re real slick with this raffle thing, don’t you? But you can just kid
yourself that you’re doing all this for little Ben. But you don’t fool me, Carol. I know you’re just
doing this because, for once in your pathetic life, you see a chance to top me.
Carol: Oh, sorry, Mike. Were you speaking to me?
Mike: You know, I think it’s really cruel the way you’re using Ben.
Carol: Yea, well, I guess I don’t have as much experience in using people as you do.
Mike: That’s right. I mean, no.
Jody: Face it, Ben you blew it. I told you, you were gonna mess up. But did you listen?
Carol: What happened? Jody what did he do?
Jody: He just ruined the whole raffle, that’s all.
Carol: What?!
Jody: He sold the first two tickets to the Bobotz brothers.
Carol: So?
Ben: So they put the word out if anybody else buys a ticket, they’ll pound them.
Carol: So you only sold two tickets?
Jody: No, I bought one, too. The Bobotz’s don’t scare me.
Mike: So, wait a minute, you’re selling your bike for $3?
Jody: $2.50, I got a discount.
Ben: Carol, what will I do? What will I do?
Mike: Yes, Carol, what’s the next step in your “Can’t Lose Raffle” scheme?
Carol: This is impossible! I mean, totally and completely. I calculated all the probabilities.
Ben: Yea, right.
Mike: I’d be glad to help you, Ben.
Ben: You will? Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Mike: But first thing we got to do is get rid of Carol.
Ben: Carol who?
Mike: Ben!
Ben: You’re history, Carol.
Jason: Hi kids.
Ben and Carol: Hi.
Carol: Mom! Dad!
Ben: Oh, no!
Jody: This is getting good.
Carol: I thought you two went shopping.
Maggie: That’s what you were supposed to think. We parked around the corner.
Jason: What do you think? We just hang around the kitchen all day playing calypso songs on
meat? We know when something’s up.
Maggie: Oh, we sure do.
Jason: So, what is it? Win a bike for a buck?! Ben?
Mike: Well, here I think we should just tell them the truth.
Ben: Huh?
Jason: Yea, give that a shot.
Mike: Well, uh, the truth is that, um, little Ben here was raffling off his old bike to raise his half
of the money for the new bike.
Jason: Ben, we expected you to earn that money.
Mike: Hey, we all did. But I think the little guy here knows that what he did was wrong. Right,
Ben?
Ben: Mike!
Mike: But this should certainly not go unpunished.
Ben: What?
Mike: I think that a fitting punishment is for you two fine parents to just call this whole raffle
thing off and you should tell any kid that comes up here that Ben is not raffling off his old bike
and, uh, you should give them the money back.
Ben: Yes, I’m guilty. I did it. Punish me.
Maggie: You want Mike or Ben?
Jason: I took Mike last time.
Maggie: Mike come with me.
Mike: What? Mom, I’m an innocent bystander here.
Maggie: Sure.
Mike: I am. Carol would you say something?
Carol: I have a lot of studying to do.
Mike: Carol!
Maggie: Mike, I’m waiting.
Jason: She’s waiting, Mike.
Mike: Oh, fine, fine. But why is it that every time something goes wrong in this house, I’m
always the one that gets blamed for it?
Jason: How many kids do you have to pay back?
Ben: Three.
Jason: You were gonna raffle your bike for three bucks?
Jody: Two-fifty. I got a discount.
Maggie: Mike, how many times do we have to cover this? You know Ben worships you. You
know he’ll follow your lead no matter how stupid or scatter-brained your idea is.
Mike: Mom.
Maggie: Don’t you take that tone with me, young man. Raffles are illegal. You could’ve gotten
our little Ben thrown in the slammer!
Mike: Mom, first of all, I agree. It was an incredibly stupid idea.
Maggie: Oh, progress.
Mike: But the idea wasn’t mine.
Maggie: Oh, come on Mike. Ben isn’t sophisticated enough to come up with something like this
on his own.
Mike: I know.
Maggie: Then whose idea was it?
Mike: Carol’s.
Maggie: Ha! Carol Seaver?
Mike: Yes.
Carol: Mom, I’m going over to Debbie’s. I’ll probably stay for dinner. In fact, there’s a good
chance I’ll stay overnight.
Maggie: Bye sweetheart.
Mike: She’s getting away!
Maggie: Mike you are only making things worse for yourself.
Mike: Mom, I tried to talk Ben and Carol out of this all along.
Maggie: So you expect me to believe that it was Carol’s idea that Ben have an illegal raffle and
the whole time you were the voice of reason as you tried desperately to convince them that
what they were doing was wrong?
Mike: I believe I have the right to an attorney.
[Next scene]
Jason: Ben, that bike cost us seventy-five bucks.
Bobotz brother #1: Ok, Seaver head. The Bobotz boys are here.
Bobotz brother #2: Yea.
Jason: Gentleman.
Bobotz brother #2: Oh, hi sir. Will you be conducting the raffle?
Jody: The raffle’s cancelled, jerk bag.
Bobotz brother #1: What?
Ben: Yea.
Jason: Hold it, Todd. Wait, Benny. You know I think a better punishment for you might be to
just go ahead with this raffle and you can just say goodbye to your bike.
Ben: What? No, Dad.
Jason: As a matter of fact, you can pick the winning ticket, alright? Come on, you’ll make
some kid very happy.
Ben: And the winner is #3.
Jody: I won! I won! I won!
Bobotz brother #2: You’re gonna get it Jody.
Jason: Wait a minute now. We don’t threaten young ladies here, Benny.
Bobotz brother #1: Hey, I’m Benny.
Bobotz brother #2: I’m Todd.
Jason: I don’t care. Get out of here!
Maggie: Jason, we’ve got someone to talk to.
Jason: Oh, come on. You said you’d take Mike this time.
Maggie: It wasn’t Mike. It was Carol.
Jason: What?
Mike: Yea, we’re all pretty stunned.
Maggie: Come on.
Jason: Not our Carol. Carol Seaver?
Maggie: Yes.
Ben: Gee, Jody, I’m pretty glad you won the bike ‘cause since we’re best friends and
everything, I know you’ll give it back.
Jody: Yea, Ben, right.
Mike: Eh, I could’ve warned you about women.
Ben: I should’ve never gone to Carol.
Mike: Ah, you’re learning.
Ben: I only did it because you were abusing me.
Mike: How?
Ben: Waxing your car, doing your chores, shining your shoes, ironing your…
Mike: Ok, ok. Maybe I’ve learned a lesson here, too.
Ben: What?
Mike: Maybe the ironing was a little too much.
Ben: I kind of liked the ironing.
Mike: Alright, we’ll talk.
Ben: How am I supposed to get my bike back from Jody?
Mike: Well, Ben, I am fairly skilled in handling women.
Ben: You’d help me?
Mike: Of course, you’re my brother.
Ben: Yea, you’re right. Who needs Carol?
Mike: Yea, you know, I think she was onto something with this raffle thing though. She just
didn’t know how to make it work for her.
Ben: I don’t get it.
Mike: Let me explain it to you, bro. See, although a good idea is important, what really counts
is what you do with it. See, you got to ask yourself, what is it that everyone really wants?
[Next scene]
Maggie: Well, Carol, we just hope doing kitchen duty for a month will teach you that it’s wrong
to run scams.
Carol: Mom, for the first time in my life I messed up, got in trouble, and I’m getting severely
punished.
Jason: Why do you sound so happy?
Carol: Well, frankly, I found the whole thing, I don’t know, interesting.
Jason: Interesting?
Carol: Yea, kind of exciting.
Maggie: Carol, are you saying…
Carol: The planning, the danger, the execution, I guess I know now why Mike finds this
delinquent behavior so delicious.
Jason: You know, Mike has a real capacity to just…
Maggie: I know, I know.
Jason: And Ben…
Maggie: Is on his way.
Jason: So if we lose Carol, too…
Maggie: We’re outnumbered.
Jason: We better have another baby quick.