如何通過聊天模式評(píng)估情侶關(guān)系

Texting has become the most prominent form of instant communication. Because intimate partners are likely to save these messages, they form a valuable, archived, written history of a relationship’s “story.” Most of my couples haven’t realized the opportunities that their text archives offer to teach them about how well they are actually communicating with each other.

如今即時(shí)通訊的主要方式就是發(fā)消息，而親密情侶更可能將這些消息保存下來(lái)，這些聊天消息是兩人愛情故事的寶貴記錄。然而大多數(shù)情侶并未意識(shí)到，這些聊天記錄提供了一個(gè)獨(dú)特的機(jī)會(huì)，讓他們了解互相之間是如何交流的。

Using the following criteria, they could not only evaluate their relationship vis a vis the things they have texted in the past, but also better understand how they use that data to improve their relationship connections in the future. If you have a partner, read the seven criteria in each other’s presence. If you are currently single, you can still get a better idea of how your text messaging style has helped or hindered your past relationships and how you can use that data in the future.

本文據(jù)此提出了7項(xiàng)評(píng)估要素，幫助他們?cè)u(píng)估這些聊天消息是否與面對(duì)面的聊天模式同步，又如何幫助或阻礙了他們之間的感情交流。如果你現(xiàn)在有一個(gè)伴侶，你可以運(yùn)用這些要素來(lái)評(píng)估兩人之間的關(guān)系;如果你仍是單身，這些要素也能幫助你識(shí)別你過去的聊天方式對(duì)你的情侶關(guān)系是起到了幫助亦或是阻礙作用，并對(duì)你未來(lái)起到一定的指導(dǎo)作用。

1. Do Men and Women Read Texts Differently?

1.內(nèi)容長(zhǎng)度

Most of my patients believe that females are “wordier” than males. The actual data shows that whichever gender is the most talkative actually depends on the subject being shared.

許多人認(rèn)為，女性比男性更話癆。但事實(shí)上，真正決定健談程度的并非性別，而是被分享的對(duì)象。

Most often, women do use more words when talking about relationships, and men when talking about business, battle, or sports.

不過總體而言，女性在談?wù)撊穗H關(guān)系時(shí)話更多，男性則更喜歡談?wù)撋虡I(yè)、戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)及運(yùn)動(dòng)等話題。

They also unanimously tell me that men like to hear the bottom line first and work up to the backstory details only if they need them, and that women like to “set the stage” before coming to the conclusion.

而且，男性喜歡先聽到結(jié)論，只有在需要時(shí)才會(huì)去聆聽故事背后的細(xì)節(jié);而女性更傾向于埋下伏筆，最后得出結(jié)論。

If that is indeed true, then women are likely to experience many men as too laconic and direct, and men are more likely to hear or read only the first part of a long message.

如果確實(shí)如此，那么情侶在溝通時(shí)，女性可能會(huì)認(rèn)為對(duì)方說(shuō)話過于簡(jiǎn)單直接，而男性可能常常只會(huì)去讀到一段長(zhǎng)消息的開頭部分。

So, do your text messages bear that out as well?

你和情侶的聊天狀態(tài)是否也是這樣呢?

Go back over as many text messages as you need to evaluate this. Count the amount of lines you or your partner use on average to send a text and how those figures change depending on the subject discussed. Ignore those that are simply logistics, like where you’re going to meet, or what you might need picked up for dinner. Just pay attention to those that are important emotional interchanges.

現(xiàn)在打開你需要評(píng)估的這些聊天信息，統(tǒng)計(jì)你和對(duì)方在溝通時(shí)平均發(fā)送的字?jǐn)?shù)多少，以及這些數(shù)字是如何根據(jù)所討論的主題發(fā)生的變化的。注意忽略那些簡(jiǎn)單的溝通信息，比如你要去哪里、你晚餐想吃什么等等，而把精力花在分析重要的情感交流上。

If you are a more typical male in a traditional male/female relationship, ask yourself how much of a long, emotional text message you actually read from your female partner before you respond, and if your responses are typically shorter than the message you receive. If you are a more typical female in a traditional male/female duo, do you take time at the beginning of your emotionally expressive text to create a backstory before you get to the point?

如果你也屬于上述典型溝通模式中的男性或女性，為了讓兩人更好地溝通，男性可以反思自己讀了多少對(duì)方發(fā)來(lái)的長(zhǎng)消息，回復(fù)是否總比收到的信息短;女性發(fā)消息時(shí)則可以注意，自己在鋪墊要點(diǎn)時(shí)，是否可以優(yōu)化消息文本的開頭?

The point here is not to judge, but to compare and contrast, just for information and understanding.

謹(jǐn)記，這種分析并不是要去評(píng)判什么，而是希望通過這種對(duì)比，加強(qiáng)雙方的溝通和理解。

2. Response Time

2.回復(fù)速度

When either partner in an intimate relationship sends out an emotional message, he or she may have a different expectation of how soon the other partner should respond. I’ve witnessed many painful altercations between partners when their expectation of response time is different.

收到消息后多久應(yīng)該得到回復(fù)?情侶關(guān)系中的雙方可能對(duì)此有不同理解，許多人甚至因此產(chǎn)生了痛苦的爭(zhēng)吵。

Again, this has a lot to do with the subject matter. Typically in a traditional male/female partnership, men are more often loathe to respond to an angry, complaining, or demanding text than women are and, as a result, will put off a response in hopes that their partner will “calm down” before an altercation is necessary. Their female partners may misunderstand that lag time as indifference or a lack of priority. Alternately, many men have told me that they are totally frustrated when their partners do not respond to logistical requests within a reasonable period of time.

回復(fù)速度同樣與聊天主題有關(guān)。有時(shí)男性不愿很快回復(fù)對(duì)方的憤怒和抱怨，往往希望對(duì)方能夠冷靜下來(lái)再說(shuō)，但他們的女性伴侶經(jīng)常會(huì)將這種延遲到來(lái)的回復(fù)視作冷漠的表現(xiàn)。同時(shí)也有男性表示，當(dāng)他們的伴侶對(duì)一些“后勤”請(qǐng)求視而不見時(shí)，他們會(huì)覺得非常沮喪。

When couples have clear understandings of when and where they are more likely to be available, the timing of the response becomes less important. Sometimes, arguments over response time may actually be the tip of icebergs that reflect a deeper frustration about availability in other areas of the relationship.

如果伴侶彼此能夠確信對(duì)方能夠幫助自己，就不會(huì)對(duì)回復(fù)速度這么斤斤計(jì)較了。回復(fù)速度引發(fā)的爭(zhēng)論，實(shí)際上只是冰山一角，揭示出情侶關(guān)系里其他方面更深層次的挫敗感。

Ask yourself and your partner how you handle disappointments about expected response time to a text message. Do you frequently argue about how or when those priorities should happen?

回想一下，你和伴侶爭(zhēng)論過這些事情嗎?你們彼此之間對(duì)聊天回復(fù)速度有什么看法?

3. Misunderstandings

3.文本誤解

Accurate, effective, and welcomed communication is one of the core elements in any successful relationship. Because communicating is only 10 percent words and 90 percent facial expression, body language, voice intonation, rhythm, and touch, it is totally understandable that misunderstandings have mushroomed when relationship partners rely on words alone rather than face-to-face connections.

準(zhǔn)確、有效、和諧的溝通，是所有成功關(guān)系的核心要素。面對(duì)面的人際交往中，文本發(fā)揮的作用僅占到10%，剩下90%都依靠面部表情、肢體語(yǔ)言、語(yǔ)音語(yǔ)調(diào)等等。

Even emojis don’t always help, because people can misunderstand what that facial expression is meant to convey.

所以當(dāng)雙方單純依靠文本溝通時(shí)，誤解很容易如雨后春筍般涌現(xiàn)(意譯)。即使運(yùn)用聊天表情，也無(wú)法代替面部表情，來(lái)減少誤解發(fā)生的可能性。

4. How Words Alone Can Be Easily Misinterpreted

4.強(qiáng)調(diào)引發(fā)的歧義

The words that are emphasized in a phrase can significantly change the meaning of that phrase — and the absence of voice intonation is the culprit.

在缺失語(yǔ)調(diào)的情形下，當(dāng)我們把重點(diǎn)放在短語(yǔ)中不同的詞上時(shí)，就可能對(duì)同一文本產(chǎn)生不同的理解。

Here is an example. The texted phrase: “What are you doing?”

以“你在干什么?”這句話為例說(shuō)明。

“What are you doing?” Emphasis is on the act.

“你在干什么?” 強(qiáng)調(diào)行為。

“What are you doing?” Emphasis is heard as challenge.

“你在干什么?” 強(qiáng)調(diào)挑戰(zhàn)性。

“What are you doing?” Emphasis is on the person.

“你在干什么?” 強(qiáng)調(diào)主體。

“What are you doing?” Emphasis could be asking for justification.

“你在干什么?” 強(qiáng)調(diào)理由。

When people are face-to-face sharing important emotional exchanges, they are much more able to intuit a current experience and put it into its correct context. When messages are not shared in real time, are offered without knowing the availability of the recipient, and often hastily sent, the chances of unwanted outcomes mushroom.

當(dāng)我們面對(duì)面地進(jìn)行溝通時(shí)，會(huì)更直觀地把文本放在上下文中去理解。而當(dāng)發(fā)送聊天消息時(shí)，為了滿足即時(shí)性和便利性的需要，人們會(huì)犧牲掉明晰的形容詞匯，用表情和縮略詞來(lái)簡(jiǎn)略表達(dá)意思，這樣有意無(wú)意間會(huì)丟失掉一些信息，容易造成誤解。

5. When Text Messages Are Different From Face-to-Face Interactions

5.溝通方式的喜好

Some people, independent of gender, are better at writing than they are at speaking. Whether they use email, instant messenger, or texting, they can think better when they are not facing their partners, preferring to read what they’ve written before they push that send button.

無(wú)論性別因素，有些人擅長(zhǎng)書面溝通，即使需要公開發(fā)言時(shí)也喜歡朗讀事先準(zhǔn)備好的文本材料;而有些人則習(xí)慣當(dāng)面溝通，認(rèn)為文字消息不足以充分傳達(dá)出自己想要表達(dá)的意思。

Try reading your text messages of the day out loud to each other when you are together. Compare how your partner heard and reacted to what you said in your texts to what he or she would have if you were in each other’s presence.

你可以嘗試著在伴侶面前朗讀之間發(fā)過的消息，觀察對(duì)方當(dāng)面聽到的反應(yīng)，了解對(duì)方溝通方式的喜好，在日后的溝通中有所調(diào)整和側(cè)重。

6. Staggered Connections

6.收發(fā)消息的時(shí)間錯(cuò)位

Because text messages are often sent and received at different times, they can be misinterpreted by that process alone. Unless there is an agreement beforehand, a person texting has no idea what the person on the other end is doing, feeling, or thinking before that text comes in. If that person is rushed, preoccupied, or upset about something that may be unrelated in any way to the texter, he or she may respond to the text differently than at another time. The time lapse between getting the message and responding can result in a total change in mood or availability, which in turn changes the causality or intensity of what the recipient expects or needs in the return text.

由于消息發(fā)送和接收的時(shí)間常?？赡懿⒉幌嗤?，在這段時(shí)間間隔里常常會(huì)出現(xiàn)一些意想不到的狀況?？赡苓@段時(shí)間里，對(duì)方的情緒會(huì)發(fā)生變化，會(huì)影響到對(duì)這條消息的反饋;還有可能這期間發(fā)生了其他的事件，導(dǎo)致這條消息的功用性發(fā)生變化。這都會(huì)影響收發(fā)消息雙方的溝通情況。

Do you and your partner ask one another what your emotional receptivity is before you begin the body of your text?

所以，在發(fā)消息溝通時(shí)，要記得關(guān)注對(duì)方的實(shí)時(shí)狀態(tài)。

7. Unconscious Overloading

7.無(wú)意識(shí)的閱讀負(fù)擔(dān)

When intimate partners are in each other’s presence, they are more likely to be aware of nuances that change the way they continue expressing themselves. If texting, those same partners are unable to see the effects of the text message on the other. He or she might keep going, not realizing that the recipient may be overloaded and unable to respond effectively.

當(dāng)我們和親密的伴侶溝通時(shí)，常常不會(huì)那么注意溝通的細(xì)節(jié)。比如刷屏式的溝通和過長(zhǎng)的文字，都會(huì)無(wú)意識(shí)間增加對(duì)方的閱讀負(fù)擔(dān)，增加其理解困難，使對(duì)方可能無(wú)法有效地迅速作出回應(yīng)。

Look at your texts and evaluate whether or not they might be overloading your partner. Do you allow enough time between texts to make certain you partner is getting what you mean to say by the way he or she responds?

所以在消息發(fā)送之前，記得自己先評(píng)估一下，這樣的消息是否會(huì)讓對(duì)方覺得有閱讀負(fù)擔(dān)?你是否在有限的文字中，清楚地讓對(duì)方知道你想說(shuō)什么?

Hopefully, sharing and discussing these seven criteria with your partner will help your text messages convey what you want to get across. Intimate partners choose to communicate through texting because it is such a convenient way to stay connected at any time and in any place. Understanding the above criteria can make sure that texting actually aids and abets quality communication and erases the need for damage control.

與面對(duì)面相比，發(fā)送消息是一種能在任何時(shí)間與地點(diǎn)保持溝通的便捷方式。希望關(guān)于以上7個(gè)要素的分享和討論能夠幫助你更準(zhǔn)確地傳達(dá)內(nèi)容，促進(jìn)彼此間的溝通，減少不必要的誤解。