史上比較大規(guī)模的居家奶爸聚會(huì)

史上最大規(guī)模的居家奶爸聚會(huì)

DENVER — “Choo-choo-wa! Choo-choo-wa! Choo-choo-wa-wa-wah!”

丹佛——“噗—噗—哧!噗—噗—哧!噗—噗—哧—哧—哧!”

The words — the theme song of a children’s cartoon — were being bellowed by six grown men huddled on a makeshift stage in a hotel banquet room.

六個(gè)成年男人擠在酒店宴會(huì)廳的一個(gè)臨時(shí)舞臺(tái)上，吼出這些歌詞——一部?jī)和瘎?dòng)畫片的主題曲。

The song leader, an education specialist, held up a baby rattle.

領(lǐng)唱是一個(gè)教育專家，他舉著寶貝搖鈴。

“What can we do to encourage play?” he asked the all-male audience.

“我們要怎樣鼓勵(lì)孩子們表演?”他向全是男性的觀眾問道。

“Give them alone time,” one man offered.

“給他們獨(dú)處的時(shí)間，”一個(gè)男人提議道。

“Follow their lead,” another said.

“聽他們指揮，”另一個(gè)說道。

“Have stuff around that they can interact with,” a third suggested.

“把能跟他們互動(dòng)的東西放在手邊，”第三個(gè)人建議說。

All were correct. And why wouldn’t they be? They were stay-at-home fathers observing a presentation on children and play.

這些回答都對(duì)。怎么可能不對(duì)呢?這些人都是居家奶爸，他們正在觀看一個(gè)關(guān)于兒童和表演的演講。

The men are part of a group called the National At-Home Dad Network, which on an early fall weekend had gathered here for an annual retreat (and a rare night without the kids). The men — 100 in total — had traveled from all over: the Midwest, Canada, Washington State. Over two days, they would attend a workshop on seatbelt safety and bro out at a Colorado Rockies game. They traded recipes — Tex-Mex spaghetti squash, lentil soup, piled into a box in the lobby — and asked questions of a panel of working women. (“Is it weird when your husband gets you a gift with your own money?”; “Who handles your finances?”) The men exchanged email addresses and made plans to meet up in playgrounds across the country.

這些男人屬于一個(gè)名為美國居家奶爸網(wǎng)(National At-Home Dad Network)的組織。今年秋初的一個(gè)周末，他們?cè)诘し鹋e行年度聚會(huì)(這是個(gè)難得的夜晚，不用帶孩子)。他們總共有100人，來自四面八方：美國中西部、加拿大和華盛頓州。在接下來的兩天里，他們將參加一個(gè)關(guān)于安全帶安全性的研討會(huì)和科羅拉多州落基山的一個(gè)狩獵活動(dòng)。他們交換菜譜——美墨邊境風(fēng)味南瓜意面、扁豆湯等，這些菜譜都塞入酒店大堂的一個(gè)箱子里——向一個(gè)職業(yè)女性座談小組提問( “如果你丈夫用你掙的錢給你買了個(gè)禮物，你會(huì)覺得別扭嗎?”;“誰管理你的財(cái)務(wù)?”)他們交換電子郵件地址，計(jì)劃在美國各地的游樂場(chǎng)再次聚會(huì)。

By Sunday, they left, as the convention organizer put it, “better men, better husbands, better fathers.” It was the largest gathering of stay-at-home fathers ever, according to the organizers.

正如聚會(huì)組織者所說，他們周日離開時(shí)變成了“更好的男人，更好的丈夫，更好的父親”。據(jù)組織者們說，這是史上最大的居家奶爸聚會(huì)。

Some may wonder why fathers need a convention at all. But these men said the answer was simple: They wanted other dads to talk to.

有些人可能想知道為什么父親們需要聚會(huì)。但是這些男人說，答案很簡(jiǎn)單：他們想和其他奶爸交流。

At-home mothers have every support resource in the book, as well as a changing vernacular for how to refer to them (they too are “working moms”). Yet when it comes to dads who are the primary caretakers of their children — a group that is growing swiftly, both in size and visibility — the resources remain dismal. Few books. Fewer community groups.

全職媽媽可以在書中找到所有撫養(yǎng)方法，她們還有另一個(gè)稱呼(“職業(yè)母親”)。但是對(duì)于在照顧孩子中承擔(dān)主要責(zé)任的父親們來說——不管在規(guī)模還是可見度方面，這個(gè)人群在快速增長(zhǎng)——這些資源仍然很少。幾乎沒什么書。相關(guān)的社團(tuán)更少。

“You’ll hear many guys describe it: I’m alone on an island in a vast sea,” said Jim O’Dowd, the conference organizer, who is a former mechanical engineer and a father of four. “There’s no history, no social structure, no guidebook. A guy jumps into this blind.”

“你會(huì)聽到很多男人這樣說：我像是孤身一人在茫茫大海的一個(gè)小島上，”聚會(huì)組織者吉姆·奧多德(Jim O’Dowd)說。他曾是機(jī)械工程師，現(xiàn)在是四個(gè)孩子的父親。“沒有關(guān)于我們的歷史或社會(huì)結(jié)構(gòu)，也沒有指南書。我們是兩眼一抹黑，跳入了這個(gè)未知的世界。”

And yet, he is also more visible than ever. According to a June study by the Pew Research Center, stay-at-home dads now account for more than 16 percent of at-home caretakers, a number that has more than doubled over the past decade (and still does not factor in dads who work part time).

但是現(xiàn)在，他們的可見度增高了。據(jù)皮尤研究中心今年6月份的一項(xiàng)調(diào)查，如今超過16%的幼兒是由居家奶爸照顧的，這個(gè)數(shù)字在過去十年里增長(zhǎng)了一倍多(這還不包括兼職工作的奶爸)。

By no means are single-earner households the norm in this country. And yet along with women’s economic rise — 23 percent of wives now outearn their husbands — has emerged a new kind of male caretaker: the out-and-proud involved dad.

在美國，夫妻一方賺錢養(yǎng)家不再是主流。但是，隨著女性經(jīng)濟(jì)收入的提高——如今23%的妻子掙的錢比丈夫多——出現(xiàn)了一種新型男性看護(hù)人：公開承認(rèn)并以此為榮的奶爸。

Sure, he raises his children differently than a woman would. But he’s also there by choice. He isn’t a product of the recession, necessarily. And, according to a Boston College survey, a majority of his full-time working brothers wish they could join him — if their wives’ incomes only allowed.

當(dāng)然，他們照顧孩子的方式跟女人不同。但他們也是主動(dòng)做出這種選擇的。他們不一定是經(jīng)濟(jì)衰退的產(chǎn)物。據(jù)波士頓學(xué)院的一項(xiàng)調(diào)查，那些全職工作的男人們大多希望能加入這個(gè)行列——如果妻子的收入允許的話。

“There’s been a feeling for a long time that dads are not capable, that if dads are in the home, moms are still directing, that dads are not interested in that caretaker role,” said Matt Schneider, a 39-year-old former teacher who had traveled to the convention from New York, where he is a founder of a dads group with 1,100 members. “That doesn’t jibe with what we see every day.”

“長(zhǎng)期以來，人們一直覺得爸爸們照顧不好小孩;爸爸們?cè)诩艺疹櫤⒆訒r(shí)，仍需媽媽們指導(dǎo);爸爸們對(duì)照顧孩子這個(gè)角色不感興趣， ”39歲的馬特·施耐德(Matt Schneider)說。他當(dāng)過老師，從紐約趕來參加這次聚會(huì)。他在紐約創(chuàng)立了一個(gè)奶爸團(tuán)體，有1100名成員。“那與我們每天看到的情況不符。”

The roots of the National At-Home Dads Network actually began two decades ago, with a dissertation project at Oakton Community College in Des Plaines, Ill. Robert Frank, now the chairman of the college’s behavioral and social science department, was working toward his Ph.D. in psychology while caring for his two children. When asked one day by a professor what he did for a living, he replied without thinking twice, “I’m a stay-at-home dad.”

美國居家奶爸網(wǎng)實(shí)際上起源于20年前伊利諾伊州德斯普蘭斯市奧克頓社區(qū)大學(xué)(Oakton Community College)的一個(gè)論文項(xiàng)目。羅伯特·弗蘭克(Robert Frank)如今是該大學(xué)行為與社會(huì)科學(xué)系的主任。當(dāng)時(shí)他一邊照顧兩個(gè)孩子，一邊攻讀心理學(xué)博士學(xué)位。有一天，一位教授問他以什么為生，他不假思索地回答道， “我是居家奶爸。”

She stared back at him, wide-eyed. “I’ve never heard that phrase before,” she told him. “You’ve just found your dissertation topic.”

那位教授吃驚地注視著他。“我從沒聽過這個(gè)詞， ”她說， “你的博士論文可以以此為主題。”

Over the next two years, Mr. Frank surveyed 371 men who said they were the primary caregivers to their children, and determined that 63 percent said they felt isolated versus 37 percent of mothers in the same position. He began a series of at-home dad meetings — before the days of Google, their existence spread by word of mouth — and his findings culminated in a book, “Parenting Partners,” which publishers told him could not have just “dad” in the title.

在接下來的兩年里，弗蘭克調(diào)查了自稱孩子主要照顧者的371位父親，發(fā)現(xiàn)其中63%的人覺得孤獨(dú)，而處于同樣位置的母親們只有37%有這種感覺。他開始組織一系列居家奶爸聚會(huì)。在谷歌出現(xiàn)之前，他們靠口口相傳才知道彼此的存在。他把自己的發(fā)現(xiàn)寫成了一本書，名叫《養(yǎng)育孩子的父母》 (Parenting Partners)，出版社說書名中不能只有“爸爸”。

His group fizzled somewhere around the 10-year mark, in part because his children were grown by then. He piled his old research notes in boxes in the garage, and moved on to other issues. He said he rarely gives interviews on the subject.

大約十年后，他的團(tuán)體解散了，部分原因是他的孩子們那時(shí)已長(zhǎng)大。他把舊調(diào)查筆記堆在車庫的箱子里，轉(zhuǎn)向了其他主題。他說自己幾乎沒有就這個(gè)主題接受過采訪。

And yet Mr. Frank had started a movement that endures. In recent months, the engaged father has become a subject in men’s magazines, as well as a bevy of advertisements (among them: Cheerios and Tide). At Boston College, the study of the “New Dad,” as it’s called, is now the major focus of the university’s Center for Work and Family. At the dads’ convention, researchers from Notre Dame and Arizona State were looking at stay-at-home dads in the context of social class and identity.

但是弗蘭克開創(chuàng)了一項(xiàng)延續(xù)下來的活動(dòng)。最近幾個(gè)月，忙碌的奶爸成了男性雜志和很多廣告的主題(比如，Cheerios麥圈和汰漬)。如今，關(guān)于“新爸爸”的研究成為波士頓學(xué)院工作與家庭研究中心的主要關(guān)注點(diǎn)。在奶爸聚會(huì)中，來自圣母大學(xué)和亞利桑那州立大學(xué)的研究者正從社會(huì)階層和身份認(rèn)同的角度審視居家奶爸。

And while there is new research showing that the daughters of active fathers are healthier and have higher self-esteem, the research has not focused just on the positive. A study at the University of Toronto recently determined that the so-called “motherhood penalty” — the idea that moms are penalized at work — applies to men, too, only worse. While women who talked about their children at work were deemed worse employees but better women (read: taking on their feminine role), men who talked about being a parent at work were viewed as both lesser workers and lesser men.

雖然有新研究表明，積極的父親養(yǎng)育的女兒更健康、更自信，但是研究不只關(guān)注這些正面影響。多倫多大學(xué)最近的一項(xiàng)研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，所謂的“母性的懲罰”—— 認(rèn)為媽媽們?cè)诠ぷ髦刑幱诓焕匚?mdash;—也適用于男人，而且情況更糟。在工作中談?wù)摵⒆拥呐吮徽J(rèn)為是較差的員工、較好的女人(也就是說：她承擔(dān)女性角色)，但是在工作中談?wù)摓楦钢赖哪腥思缺徽J(rèn)為是較差的員工，也被認(rèn)為是較差的男人。

“Has there been an attitudinal shift? Yes,” said Brad Harrington, the executive director of the Center for Work and Family. “But we’re still in a period of transition.”

“人們的態(tài)度有沒有變化?有，”工作與家庭研究中心的執(zhí)行總監(jiān)布拉德·哈林頓(Brad Harrington)說，“但是我們?nèi)蕴幱谵D(zhuǎn)型期。”

For its part, this dads’ network is working to change the stigma. Today there are subsets of the group all across the country, including men who gathered in five cities last month to celebrate “International Babywearing Week” (that is, a week to honor parents with small children strapped to their chests). One member hosts a conference for dad bloggers, called the Dad 2.0 Summit, and the network’s president, Al Watts, recently published an essay collection with Hogan Hilling called “Dads Behaving Dadly.”

美國居家奶爸網(wǎng)正在努力改變這種偏見。如今，該組織在美國各地有很多分部，包括上個(gè)月在五個(gè)城市聚會(huì)慶祝“國際嬰兒背帶周” (International Babywearing Week，旨在表彰把小孩捆在胸前的父母?jìng)?的奶爸們。其中一個(gè)成員為奶爸博主們舉辦了一次大會(huì)，名為奶爸2.0峰會(huì)(Dad 2.0 Summit)。最近，美國居家奶爸網(wǎng)的主席阿爾·沃茨(Al Watts)和霍根·希靈(Hogan Hilling)出版了一個(gè)文集，名叫《盡為父之責(zé)的父親們》(Dads Behaving Dadly)。

A couple of years ago, when Huggies created an ad that many of the men found offensive — the idea was to put the diapers up to a bumbling “Dad Test” — the men got together and wrote the company with their objections. Huggies pulled the ad, and was even a sponsor at this year’s conference.

幾年前，好奇公司(Huggies)發(fā)布了一個(gè)廣告，把換紙尿褲加入一個(gè)笨拙的“爸爸測(cè)試”(Dad Test)中，很多男人覺得遭到冒犯，他們聚集起來，給該公司寫信表示抗議。好奇公司撤了那個(gè)廣告。它是今年奶爸大會(huì)的贊助商之一。

That camaraderie was in full display in Denver. Mr. Watts played master of ceremonies, while Greg Washington, a part-time football coach in Madison, Wis., encouraged men to share photos of their children. A dad who works part time as a graphic artist designed the program, and the opening video montage — a mash-up of news clips about modern fatherhood — was created by a dad, too. (At the end: a female newscaster asking, “Is dad the new mom?” To which a chorus of male voices shouted at the projector, “No!”)

這種同志情誼在丹佛的大會(huì)上得到充分體現(xiàn)。沃茨擔(dān)任主持人;威斯康星州麥迪遜縣兼職橄欖球教練格雷格·華盛頓(Greg Washington)鼓勵(lì)男人們分享孩子們的照片。一位兼職做美術(shù)設(shè)計(jì)的奶爸設(shè)計(jì)了這個(gè)項(xiàng)目，而開幕的視頻剪接片也是一位奶爸制作的，它是關(guān)于現(xiàn)代父性的新聞視頻剪輯(在視頻末尾，一位新聞評(píng)論女主持人問道，“奶爸就是新型媽媽嗎?”男人們對(duì)著投影儀一起喊道：“不是!”)。

But these men are used to that question, or at least what it represents. They see it at the playground as they scan the grass for other dads to talk to, or from male friends who, as Mr. Washington put it, “don’t always get it.” They hear it in the innocent question from a neighbor — “Are you babysitting today?” — or the pediatrician who asks, “Should I speak with your wife?”

但是這些男人已經(jīng)習(xí)慣了這種問題，或者至少習(xí)慣了這種境況。他們?cè)谟螛穲?chǎng)四處巡視也未必能找到可以交談的奶爸;或者如華盛頓所說，“并不是所有的”男性朋友“都能理解”。某個(gè)鄰居無意中會(huì)問：“今天你當(dāng)保姆嗎?”兒科醫(yī)生會(huì)問：“我應(yīng)該跟你妻子商量嗎?”

Mr. Harrington, of Boston College, recalled a story from a few years back in which a man he knew — carrying his baby snuggled under his jacket on a cold day — emerged from a park trail to a circle of police officers because he looked suspicious.

波士頓學(xué)院的哈林頓想起了幾年前的一個(gè)故事：在一個(gè)寒冷的日子，一個(gè)他認(rèn)識(shí)的男人讓幼兒依偎在大衣里面，走在一條公園小徑上，一圈警察攔住了他，因?yàn)樗雌饋砗芸梢伞?/p>

“One of our first dads meetups was at the Whitney Museum,” said Mr. Schneider, a father of two. “There were five of us with our babies, having lunch. It was like we were one of the exhibits. We had people coming up to us saying, ‘What is this?’ ”

“我們?cè)缙诘哪贪志蹠?huì)有一次在惠特尼博物館舉行，”施耐德說。他有兩個(gè)孩子。“我們五個(gè)男人帶著孩子一起共進(jìn)午餐。弄得好像我們就是一項(xiàng)展覽。有人走過來問：‘這是什么展覽?’ ”

The good news is that the culture has started to catch up. In April, Daniel Murphy, the Mets second baseman, ignited a fury of radio chatter after missing two games to be at home with his wife and newborn son. When the chief executive of MongoDB Inc., a software firm, announced that he would step down this year to spend more time with his family, he noted that, “As a male C.E.O., I have been asked what kind of car I drive and what type of music I like, but never how I balance the demands of being both a dad and a C.E.O.”

好消息是風(fēng)氣開始改變了。今年4月，大都會(huì)棒球隊(duì)的二壘手丹尼爾·墨菲(Daniel Murphy)為了在家陪妻子和剛出生的兒子未參加兩場(chǎng)比賽，在電臺(tái)引發(fā)輪番批評(píng)。MongoDB軟件公司的首席執(zhí)行官宣布今年將辭職，花更多時(shí)間陪伴家人。他提到，“作為一名男性首席執(zhí)行官，有人問我開哪種車，喜歡哪種音樂，但是從來沒人問我如何同時(shí)履行做父親和做首席執(zhí)行官的責(zé)任。”

Companies like Facebook and Change.org are among a group that have begun to offer generous paternity leave policies, and as a 2014 survey of dads revealed, 89 percent said it would be an important criterion in looking for a new job.

Facebook和Change.org等公司開始提供慷慨的產(chǎn)假政策，2014年的一項(xiàng)關(guān)于父親的調(diào)查顯示，89%的父親說，這將會(huì)成為找工作時(shí)的一項(xiàng)重要考慮因素。

And then there are the fathers who are wearing their dad badges each day, proudly.

另外就是這些每天自豪地頂著奶爸頭銜的父親們。