產(chǎn)后精神病的悲劇

After Baby, an Unraveling

產(chǎn)后精神病的悲劇

Cindy Wachenheim was someone people didn’t think they had to worry about. She was a levelheaded lawyer working for the State Supreme Court, a favorite aunt who got down on the floor to play with her nieces and nephews, and, finally, in her 40s, the mother she had long dreamed of becoming.

辛迪·瓦肯海姆(Cindy Wachenheim)是一個(gè)人們覺得不用為她操心的人。她是個(gè)頭腦冷靜的律師，在州最高法院工作;也是個(gè)受歡迎的長(zhǎng)輩，能和甥侄輩的孩子玩?zhèn)€不亦樂乎;在40多歲時(shí)，她終于實(shí)現(xiàn)了長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)的夢(mèng)想，成為一個(gè)母親。

But when her baby was a few months old, she became obsessed with the idea that she had caused him irrevocable brain damage. Nothing could shake her from that certainty, not even repeated assurances from doctors that he was normal.

然而，在寶寶幾個(gè)月大的時(shí)候，辛迪開始固執(zhí)地認(rèn)為，自己給孩子的大腦造成了不可挽回的損傷。任何事情，哪怕多位醫(yī)生反復(fù)保證她兒子一切正常，都無(wú)法動(dòng)搖她對(duì)那一點(diǎn)的確信。

“I love him so much, but it’s obviously a terrible kind of love,” she agonized in a 13-page handwritten note. “It’s a love where I can’t bear knowing he is going to suffer physically and mentally/emotionally for much of his life.”

“我很愛他，但這顯然是一種可怕的愛，”她在手寫的一封13頁(yè)長(zhǎng)的信中痛苦地寫到，“這種愛，讓我無(wú)法忍受知道他一生中的很多時(shí)候，都要飽受身體和精神/情感上的煎熬。”

On March 13, 2013, Ms. Wachenheim, 44, strapped her 10-month-old son to her chest in a baby carrier and leapt to her death from the eighth-floor window of her Harlem apartment. “I became so low,” she wrote in the 13-page outpouring shortly before she jumped, “thinking that if I had unknowingly caused brain damage to my beautiful, precious baby, I didn’t want to live.”

2013年3月13日，44歲的瓦肯海姆用背帶把10個(gè)月大的兒子綁在胸前，從哈林區(qū)八樓的公寓窗戶跳樓身亡。“我變得很低沉，”她在那封跳樓前不久一口氣寫成的長(zhǎng)信中寫道。“想到如果自己在無(wú)意中給我漂亮、珍愛的兒子造成了大腦損傷，我就不想活了。”

Ms. Wachenheim’s story provides a wrenching case study of one woman’s experience with maternal mental illness in its most extreme and rare form. It also illuminates some of the surprising research findings that are redefining the scientific understanding of such disorders: that they often develop later than expected and include symptoms not just of depression, but of psychiatric illnesses.

瓦肯海姆的故事是一個(gè)令人心痛的案例，以最極端、最罕見的形式呈現(xiàn)了一名女性患上產(chǎn)后精神疾病的經(jīng)歷。這個(gè)故事也闡明了一些出人意料的研究結(jié)果，這些研究結(jié)果正在重新定義對(duì)這類疾病的科學(xué)理解：它們的發(fā)展通常會(huì)比預(yù)期晚，不僅包括抑郁的癥狀，還包括精神疾病的癥狀。

Now these mood disorders, long hidden in shame and fear, are coming out of the shadows. Many women have been afraid to admit to terrifying visions or deadened emotions, believing they should be flush with maternal joy or fearing their babies would be taken from them.

如今，長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)一直隱藏在羞恥和恐懼中的這些情緒紊亂，正在從陰影中走出來(lái)。很多女性一直害怕承認(rèn)自己有可怕的念頭，或是低落的情緒，認(rèn)為自己應(yīng)該陶醉在當(dāng)母親的喜悅中，或是害怕孩子會(huì)被奪走。

But now, advocacy groups on maternal mental illness are springing up, and some mothers are blogging about their experiences with remarkable candor. A dozen states have passed laws encouraging screening, education and treatment. And celebrities, including Brooke Shields, Gwyneth Paltrow and Courteney Cox, have disclosed their postpartum depression.

但現(xiàn)在，關(guān)注產(chǎn)婦精神疾病的倡導(dǎo)團(tuán)體正在涌現(xiàn)，有些母親十分坦率地在博客中記述自己的經(jīng)歷。已經(jīng)有12個(gè)州通過(guò)了鼓勵(lì)篩查、教導(dǎo)和治療的法律。波姬小絲(Brooke Shields)、格溫妮絲·帕特洛(Gwyneth Paltrow)以及柯特尼·考克斯(Courteney Cox)等多位名人都透露自己曾患過(guò)產(chǎn)后抑郁癥。

Ms. Wachenheim’s sister, Deb, is among those breaking the silence.

瓦肯海姆的妹妹黛布(Deb)便是打破沉默的人之一。

“We did try to help her, but perhaps if we had been more knowledgeable about postpartum mood disorders, including the fact that postpartum depression is just one of an array of such mood disorders, we could have done something differently that would have maybe saved her life,” she wrote in an email.

“我們的確嘗試過(guò)幫她，但如果當(dāng)時(shí)對(duì)產(chǎn)后情緒障礙有更多了解，比如產(chǎn)后抑郁癥實(shí)際上只是諸多情緒障礙中的一種，我們或許就能以不同的方式做些事情，興許就能挽救她的生命了，”她在電子郵件中寫道。

Cindy Wachenheim’s experience defied the long-held belief among doctors and experts that symptoms emerge within a few weeks after birth. She seemed fine until her son was about 4 months old, said family and friends. And as a healthy, active woman, Cindy had no risk factors that would signal a mother likely to become delusional and suicidal.

醫(yī)生和專家們長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)認(rèn)為，癥狀會(huì)在產(chǎn)后幾星期內(nèi)出現(xiàn)，但辛迪·瓦肯海姆的經(jīng)歷與這種觀念相左。據(jù)辛迪的家人和朋友說(shuō)，在兒子大約四個(gè)月之前，她看上去很正常。而且辛迪作為一個(gè)健康積極的女性，根本沒有表現(xiàn)出這個(gè)母親可能會(huì)產(chǎn)生妄想，甚至自殺的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)因素。

“She loved life, she loved family, she was social,” said her sister-in-law, Karen Wachenheim.

“她熱愛生活，熱愛家庭，也愛和人交往，”她的嫂子卡倫·瓦肯海姆(Karen Wachenheim)說(shuō)。

In fact, Cindy, long interested in women’s issues and social justice, had, years earlier, identified postpartum depression in Karen. “Cindy would call at least once a day to check on me,” Karen recalled. “She said, ‘Maybe you have postpartum; I think it’s past the baby blues.’ ” At Cindy’s urging, Karen got therapy and medication, recovering quickly.

實(shí)際上，一直關(guān)注女性問(wèn)題和社會(huì)公正的辛迪，多年前在卡倫身上發(fā)現(xiàn)了產(chǎn)后抑郁癥。“辛迪每天至少會(huì)打一次電話，確認(rèn)我沒事，”卡倫回憶說(shuō)。“她說(shuō)，‘你可能是患上了產(chǎn)后抑郁癥，我覺得不只是生寶寶后情緒不好。’ ”在辛迪的督促下，卡倫接受了治療并服了藥，很快便康復(fù)了。

A Son Who Was ‘My Heart’

“心肝寶貝”兒子

Cindy grew up in Colonie, N.Y., outside Albany, where she was her high school’s valedictorian. She attended the State University of New York at Buffalo and Columbia Law School. She valued public service and took a job doing research and writing for judges on the State Supreme Court in Manhattan.

辛迪在紐約州奧爾巴尼郊區(qū)的科隆尼長(zhǎng)大，曾因成績(jī)優(yōu)異在高中時(shí)作為畢業(yè)生代表發(fā)言，并在紐約州立大學(xué)布法羅分校(State University of New York at Buffalo)和哥倫比亞大學(xué)法學(xué)院(Columbia Law School)就讀。她重視公共服務(wù)，曾在位于曼哈頓的州最高法院工作，為法官做研究并撰寫文件。

When her mother became ill with leukemia, and later her father with lung cancer, Cindy would travel upstate to go to their medical appointments with them. When her siblings or their children had medical checkups, Cindy jotted the dates in notebooks, and called the night before to remind them to fill her in.

當(dāng)母親患上白血病，后來(lái)父親又患上肺癌時(shí)，辛迪會(huì)去紐約州的北部，陪同父母就診。當(dāng)兄弟姐妹或是他們的孩子體檢時(shí)，辛迪會(huì)在筆記本上記下日期，并在前一天晚上打電話，提醒他們要把最新情況告訴她。

“I think she even kept all those books too, in a shoe box,” said her brother, Ron. “People collect stamps; she collected that stuff.”

“我想她甚至保存著所有這些本子，放在一個(gè)鞋盒里的，”哥哥羅恩(Ron)說(shuō)。“別人集郵，她收集的卻是這些東西。”

She married at 40, and she and her husband underwent fertility treatment. She miscarried twice. But family and friends said that while mourning those losses and dealing with fertility hormones, she remained hopeful, noting that doctors said it was a good sign she had been able to become pregnant.

辛迪結(jié)婚時(shí)40歲，夫婦倆都接受過(guò)生育治療。她小產(chǎn)過(guò)兩次，但家人和朋友表示，盡管經(jīng)歷了流產(chǎn)之痛，還要調(diào)節(jié)生育激素，但她仍很樂觀，還說(shuō)醫(yī)生表示，她還能懷孕就是個(gè)好兆頭。

“She just thought that she’s going to keep trying and take each step as it came,” said a longtime friend, Julie Knapp.

“她只是覺得要不斷嘗試，每次機(jī)會(huì)到來(lái)時(shí)都要抓住，”多年好友朱莉·納普(Julie Knapp)說(shuō)。

Experts say little evidence links fertility treatment to postpartum mental illness; indeed, becoming pregnant may bring more joy than stress. Still, Wendy N. Davis, the executive director of Postpartum Support International, said some women experience cumulative stress from “fertility treatments, many losses, and the very, very high expectation she will enjoy this new baby.”

專家稱，鮮有證據(jù)表明產(chǎn)后精神疾病與生育治療有關(guān);的確，懷孕可能會(huì)帶來(lái)更多的喜悅，而非壓力。然而，產(chǎn)后支持國(guó)際組織(Postpartum Support International)的執(zhí)行董事溫迪·N·戴維斯(Wendy N. Davis)表示，某些女性會(huì)因“生育治療、多次流產(chǎn)，以及十分十分期望自己會(huì)喜歡新生的寶寶”而導(dǎo)致壓力累積。

Eventually, Cindy was able to conceive and have an uneventful pregnancy, her only out-of-the-ordinary response being a tendency to be hyperaware of whether the fetus was kicking.

終于，辛迪成功懷孕了，而且懷孕期間一切平安。唯一不尋常的反應(yīng)似乎是，她常常極其在意胎兒有沒有在踢她。

Cindy gave birth normally and adored her son, often calling him “my heart.”

辛迪順利生產(chǎn)，并且非常喜歡自己的兒子，常常稱他為“我的心肝寶貝”。

“Not unlike a lot of high-achieving women, she was somewhat of a perfectionist, and she also wanted to be the perfect mother,” Deb said. Still, she was pretty easygoing in the first months of her son’s life, even when she had to introduce formula early because she produced too little breast milk, Deb said.

黛布說(shuō)，“和很多優(yōu)秀女性一樣，她有些完美主義，而且想當(dāng)一個(gè)完美的母親。”但黛布表示，在生下兒子的最初幾個(gè)月里，她還是很放松的，即便在因?yàn)槟溉椴蛔?，而不得不早早地給孩子喝配方奶粉時(shí)也一樣。

But when her son was 4 months old, Cindy emailed Deb that he was making “strange/jerky movements w/his right arm,” almost “flapping like a wing.”

但在兒子四個(gè)月大時(shí)，辛迪給黛布發(fā)電子郵件說(shuō)兒子正在“用右手做些抽筋似的奇怪動(dòng)作”，就像“在扇翅膀”。

The pediatrician said it was nothing to worry about, but Cindy scoured the Internet for diagnoses. She fixated on an instance a few weeks earlier, in August when, while washing clothes, she briefly left the baby on a play mat on the floor. He fell while pushing up, hitting his head.

兒科醫(yī)生說(shuō)完全不用擔(dān)心，但辛迪卻在網(wǎng)上四處搜尋資料自行診斷。她對(duì)數(shù)周前發(fā)生的一件事耿耿于懷。那是在8月，在洗衣服時(shí)，她暫時(shí)把孩子放在了游戲墊上。寶寶在往起爬時(shí)跌倒了，碰到了頭。

She believed this minor episode had caused him severe neurological problems: seizures, autism, concussion. She blamed herself for leaving the room, for placing the play mat on the hardwood floor. Other incidents alarmed her, and she decided he was more irritable, smiling less.

她認(rèn)為這次小小的意外給他的神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)造成了嚴(yán)重的問(wèn)題：癲癇、自閉癥和腦震蕩。她怪自己離開了房間，怪自己把游戲墊放在了硬木地板上。其它一些事情也使她感到不安。她確信孩子變得更煩燥了，也笑得少了。

She visited two pediatric neurologists. Then she saw an expert in cerebral palsy because her son did not always exhibit the Landau reflex, a Superman-like pose babies make when held aloft, stomach-down.

辛迪去見了兩位兒童神經(jīng)科醫(yī)生，后來(lái)還去看了一位大腦性麻痹領(lǐng)域的專家，因?yàn)閮鹤硬⒉豢偸悄茏龀鎏m多反射(Landau Reflex)——被腹部朝下抱起時(shí)，嬰兒通常會(huì)做出這個(gè)像超人一樣的姿勢(shì)。

In October 2012, when her son was 5 months old, she emailed a doctor she had seen that day: “When you said babies can’t injure their brains from even several floor-level head hits on a wooden floor, did that include hits even if they are turning and hit back or side of head on the floor?”

2012年10月，兒子5個(gè)月大，她給當(dāng)天見過(guò)的一名醫(yī)生發(fā)電子郵件詢問(wèn)：“你說(shuō)，寶寶哪怕是頭在木地板上磕了好幾下也不會(huì)傷到大腦，這種情況包括他們?cè)谵D(zhuǎn)身時(shí)后腦勺或腦袋兩側(cè)撞到地板上嗎?”

The doctor replied: “That’s right. Little bumps on the head at floor level that a baby may cause themselves in the course of normal spontaneous movements would not cause any injury. Babies are really very hardy (thank goodness)!”

醫(yī)生回復(fù)：“是的。寶寶在地板上自發(fā)進(jìn)行正?；顒?dòng)時(shí)，可能會(huì)導(dǎo)致頭部受到輕微碰撞，但這不會(huì)造成任何損傷。寶寶真的很結(jié)實(shí)(謝天謝地)!”

Cindy sent the doctor a video of her son, noting that “he almost always moves the right hand when holding a toy, reaching to grab something, etc.”

辛迪又把兒子的一段視頻發(fā)給了那名醫(yī)生，稱“他在拿玩具、伸手抓東西或做其他事情時(shí)，幾乎總是用右手”。

The doctor responded: “All of his movements look like normal, age-appropriate movements to me.”

醫(yī)生回復(fù)：“在我看來(lái)，你兒子的所有舉動(dòng)都很正常，都和他的年齡相符。”

Her siblings assured her that their children had made similar movements, but she was implacable. Without telling her sister, Deb called the pediatrician, who said she was also concerned about Cindy. Deb said Cindy’s husband worried too, although “part of him said: ‘Maybe she’s right. She is smart and was with the baby all the time.’ ”

辛迪的兄弟姐妹安慰她說(shuō)，他們的孩子也曾有過(guò)類似的動(dòng)作，但這還是無(wú)法緩解辛迪的憂慮。黛布瞞著姐姐，偷偷給那名兒科醫(yī)生打了電話。醫(yī)生表示她也對(duì)辛迪有所擔(dān)心。黛布說(shuō)，姐夫也有憂慮，不過(guò)“他同時(shí)認(rèn)為：‘或許她是對(duì)的。她很聰明，而且時(shí)刻都和孩子在一起。’”

Still, both Cindy’s husband and siblings urged her to seek therapy.

但辛迪的丈夫和兄弟姐妹還是敦促她接受治療。

“I just really want you to see someone,” Deb emailed Cindy. “You cannot continue like this, for your sake and for his sake.”

“我真的想讓你去看看醫(yī)生，”黛布給辛迪發(fā)郵件。“為了你自己，也為了你兒子，不能再這樣下去了。”

Cindy agreed, but insisted that she had no postpartum mental illness. She told her family she was simply depressed because of the harm she had done to the baby.

辛迪同意了，但堅(jiān)稱自己沒患產(chǎn)后精神疾病。她告訴家人，只是因?yàn)榻o寶寶造成了傷害而覺得郁悶。

“You can hardly imagine how it feels to strongly believe he has brain damage and that I caused it,” she emailed Deb. “It must be one of the top one or two nightmares for any parent. iloveyou, cindy.”

“你幾乎想象不到這種感覺是什么樣子，我強(qiáng)烈地覺得他有大腦損傷，而且是我造成的，”她給黛布發(fā)郵件說(shuō)。“對(duì)任何父母來(lái)說(shuō)，這肯定都是數(shù)一數(shù)二的惡夢(mèng)。愛你的辛迪。”

Consumed With Worry

憂心忡忡

Experts say such breaks from reality are likely symptoms of postpartum psychosis, which affects only one or two in 1,000 mothers. About 4 percent of those hurt their children; about 5 percent kill themselves. Flagrant cases usually emerge soon after birth; women may hear voices or feel compelled to inflict harm, like Andrea Yates, who drowned her five children in a bathtub in 2001, or Dena Schlosser, who in 2004 cut off her infant’s arms. Both women were ultimately found not guilty by reason of insanity.

專家表示，這類與現(xiàn)實(shí)的脫節(jié)，很可能是產(chǎn)后精神病的癥狀。產(chǎn)后精神病的發(fā)病率只有千分之一到千分之二。在那些患病的母親中，約有4%的人會(huì)傷害自己的孩子;大約5%的人會(huì)自殺。駭人聽聞的案例通常出現(xiàn)在母親生下孩子后不久;產(chǎn)婦可能會(huì)出現(xiàn)幻聽，或者有去制造傷害的沖動(dòng)，比如2001年將自己的五個(gè)孩子淹死在浴缸里的安德烈婭·耶茨(Andrea Yates)，以及2004年砍掉嬰兒雙臂的德娜·施洛瑟(Dena Schlosser)。這兩位母親最終都因精神失常被判無(wú)罪。

“More subtle forms of psychosis are going to be picked up later,” said Dr. Katherine Wisner, a professor of psychiatry and obstetrics at Northwestern University. These women “tend to have prolonged delusional thinking: ‘there’s something really wrong with my baby.’ ”

西北大學(xué)(Northwestern University)的精神病學(xué)和產(chǎn)科學(xué)教授凱瑟琳·威斯納(Katherine Wisner)說(shuō)：“不那么典型的產(chǎn)后精神病會(huì)較晚出現(xiàn)癥狀。”這些女性“往往會(huì)出現(xiàn)長(zhǎng)期錯(cuò)覺：‘我的孩子真的有問(wèn)題’”。

Most other maternal mood disorders do not involve such unshakably unrealistic convictions; most women know something is wrong, and although they fear they will harm their children, they rarely do.

大部分其他產(chǎn)后情緒障礙都不會(huì)出現(xiàn)這類不切實(shí)際到不可動(dòng)搖的堅(jiān)定想法;大部分女性知道出了問(wèn)題，而且盡管害怕自己會(huì)傷害到孩子，但她們很少真的那么做。

At Thanksgiving in 2012, Cindy’s family gathered at her brother Ron’s home outside Albany, and Cindy, normally outgoing, seemed consumed with her son’s supposed problems. She told Deb she had thought about suicide, saying “How can you go on knowing that you’ve ruined your baby’s life and it was your fault?” Deb was stunned. She and Cindy’s husband discussed the situation, hopeful that therapy would help.

2012年的感恩節(jié)，辛迪的家人在哥哥羅恩(Ron)位于奧爾巴尼郊區(qū)的家中聚會(huì)。通常頗為外向的辛迪，似乎一心想著她所謂的兒子的問(wèn)題。她告訴黛布她想過(guò)自殺，說(shuō)“知道因?yàn)樽约旱腻e(cuò)誤而親手毀了孩子的一生，你還能活下去嗎?”黛布大吃一驚。她和辛迪的丈夫討論了這一情況，希望治療會(huì)有所幫助。

Later that visit, the baby rolled off a low bed. It was one of several times that Cindy panicked and took him to the emergency room, where doctors pronounced him fine.

那次聚會(huì)后，寶寶從一張矮床上滾了下來(lái)。辛迪驚慌失措地把孩子送到急診室，但醫(yī)生卻說(shuō)寶寶一切安好。這樣的情況發(fā)生過(guò)好幾次。

The next month, Cindy began seeing a psychiatrist, who prescribed Zoloft, an antidepressant. She briefly visited other counselors for talk therapy. Friends offered support and company.

接下來(lái)的那個(gè)月里，辛迪開始看精神科醫(yī)生。那名醫(yī)師給她開了左洛復(fù)(Zoloft)，一種抗憂郁的藥物。她還短暫地去其他幾名咨詢師那里接受過(guò)談話治療。朋友給了她支持與陪伴。

One January weekend at Ron’s house, she seemed more engaged, smiling more. When Deb asked, she acknowledged still having thoughts of suicide, but said her psychiatrist had told her it was not too worrisome “as long as they’re not getting more frequent,” Deb recalled.

1月的一個(gè)周末，在哥哥羅恩家，辛迪似乎精神更集中了，笑容也多了。黛布回憶，當(dāng)她問(wèn)起時(shí)，辛迪坦言依然會(huì)有自殺的想法，但她說(shuō)，精神科醫(yī)生告訴她不用太擔(dān)心，“只要這些想法沒有變得更頻繁。”

Family and friends wonder now if she was feigning feeling better. “Now I think maybe she was backing off so everyone wouldn’t think she was crazy,” Karen said.

家人和朋友現(xiàn)在揣測(cè)，她當(dāng)時(shí)是不是假裝感覺好些了?“我現(xiàn)在覺得，她那時(shí)候是退了一步，這樣大家就不會(huì)覺得她瘋了，”卡倫說(shuō)。

Experts said postpartum psychosis symptoms can fluctuate. Sometimes women are “lucid and not delusional,” said Dr. Davis of Postpartum Support International. “Then they slip back into delusions more easily than with other types of psychosis.”

專家表示，產(chǎn)后精神病的癥狀可能會(huì)出現(xiàn)波動(dòng)。國(guó)際產(chǎn)后支持組織的戴維斯博士說(shuō)，病人有時(shí)候“頭腦清晰，不會(huì)產(chǎn)生錯(cuò)覺。然后，她們會(huì)比患其他精神病的人更容易陷入錯(cuò)覺中去”。

The mixed signals from Cindy continued into March. She discussed returning to work and finding day care. On a visit to her mother-in-law on Long Island, she called Deb while strolling by the ocean and sounded good. But the next day, Sunday, the baby fell while pulling up on a chair in his grandmother’s kitchen. Cindy considered it another disastrous “head hit.”

辛迪表現(xiàn)出來(lái)的復(fù)雜情況持續(xù)到了3月。她說(shuō)起回去工作，并找家日間托兒所。去長(zhǎng)島探望婆婆期間，她一邊在海邊散步，一邊給黛布打電話，當(dāng)時(shí)聽上去挺好的。但第二天是星期日，在奶奶的廚房里，孩子碰到椅子上摔倒了。辛迪把這看作是另一場(chǎng)災(zāi)難性的“撞頭事件”。

On Tuesday, Cindy uncharacteristically canceled her psychiatrist’s appointment, citing rain. On Wednesday, as she sometimes did, Cindy asked her husband to come home from work. When he arrived, she said their son’s morning had been rough, but that she was feeling better. After a few hours, he returned to work.

接下來(lái)的周二，辛迪以下雨為由，反常地取消了和精神科醫(yī)生的預(yù)約。周三，與之前偶爾出現(xiàn)的情況一樣，辛迪把丈夫從公司叫回了家。丈夫到家后，她說(shuō)兒子一上午都過(guò)得不順，不過(guò)她感覺正在好轉(zhuǎn)。幾個(gè)小時(shí)后，丈夫回去上班了。

That afternoon, with her baby snug to her chest, she jumped.

當(dāng)天下午，辛迪把孩子捆在自己胸前，跳下了樓。

“I am so unbearably sorry, which I know does nothing to undo the evil I have done,” her farewell note began. “I wanted to be a mother so badly and I hoped to be a wonderful one, and instead I have become the worst of the worst.”

“我特別特別愧疚，我知道這無(wú)法彌補(bǔ)我犯下的惡行，”辛迪在遺書開頭寫道。“我非常想當(dāng)母親，想成為一位優(yōu)秀的母親，然而，我卻成了差到不能再差的一個(gè)母親。”

Searching for anything to blame herself for, she described minor, harmless moments: tucking a light blanket over his face for warmth, letting him suck a leaf, briefly putting a dime in his mouth and immediately removing it. “These things I did were horrible,” she wrote.

在找一切理由責(zé)怪自己時(shí)，她說(shuō)到了一些沒造成什么傷害的小事：為了保暖把薄毯子蓋到了寶寶臉上、任由他吮吸一片樹葉、短暫地把十分錢硬幣放到寶寶嘴里又馬上拿走。“我做的這一切太可怕了，”她在信里寫道。

She was sure her son would never walk, and said she believed his most recent fall caused a concussion. “I’m so so sorry, but I can’t bear for him to suffer more and more.”

她確信兒子永遠(yuǎn)都不會(huì)走路，還說(shuō)她認(rèn)為最近那次摔倒造成了腦震蕩。“真的非常非常對(duì)不起，但我無(wú)法忍受他越來(lái)越遭罪。”

She said she knew others would see her suicide as a result of “postpartum depression/psychosis.” But, she said: “I know I am right that I mistakenly harmed him. I’m not claiming a voice told me to do this.”

她還說(shuō)自己知道，其他人會(huì)把她的自殺歸咎于“產(chǎn)后抑郁癥/精神病”，但她說(shuō)：“我無(wú)意中傷害到了兒子，我知道自己是有理由這么想的。并不是說(shuō)有個(gè)聲音讓我這么做。”