雙語(yǔ)·當(dāng)呼吸化為空氣 我的力量繼續(xù)回升

接下來(lái)的幾個(gè)星期，我的力量繼續(xù)回升，操作手術(shù)的流暢性與技巧也漸漸重回巔峰。我的雙手重新熟練起來(lái)，能夠操縱和調(diào)整那些只有幾微米細(xì)的血管，又不造成任何傷害。我的手指又找回曾經(jīng)的靈活。一個(gè)月后，我?guī)缀跏侨?fù)荷地在做手術(shù)了。
Over the next couple of weeks, my strength continued to improve, as did my fluency and technique. My hands relearned how to manipulate submillimeter blood vessels without injury, my fingers conjuring up the old tricks they’d once known. After a month, I was operating a nearly full load.

不過(guò)我還是有意識(shí)地限制自己。只做手術(shù)。相關(guān)的行政文件、病人看護(hù)，以及晚上和周末的病例，都交給維多利亞和其他資深高級(jí)住院醫(yī)生。反正，那些技巧我已經(jīng)爛熟于心了，只需要做一些更復(fù)雜精確的手術(shù)就算圓滿了。每一天工作結(jié)束的時(shí)候，我都感到極度疲乏，身體肌肉火辣辣的，就像要燃燒起來(lái)，它們?cè)诼謴?fù)力量。但事實(shí)上，我卻絲毫不覺(jué)得快樂(lè)。曾經(jīng)在手術(shù)中獲得的那種發(fā)自內(nèi)心的愉悅感不知所終了，取而代之的是一種冷冰冰的專注，要去克服不斷襲來(lái)的惡心、疼痛與疲乏。每天晚上回到家，我會(huì)趕緊吞下一把止痛片，然后上床，在露西身邊躺下。她也恢復(fù)了全職工作，而且已經(jīng)懷孕了，還沒(méi)滿三個(gè)月，寶寶的預(yù)產(chǎn)期是六月，剛好我也將在那時(shí)結(jié)束住院醫(yī)生生涯。移植之前，我們給孩子的囊胚照了張相片。（“她的細(xì)胞膜長(zhǎng)得像你?！蔽覍?duì)露西說(shuō)。）此時(shí)此刻的我，仍然想讓自己的生活重回原來(lái)的軌道。
I kept myself limited to operating, leaving the administration, patient care, and night and weekend calls to Victoria and the other senior residents. I had already mastered those skills, anyway, and needed to learn only the nuances of complex operations to feel complete. I ended my days exhausted beyond measure, muscles on fire, slowly improving. But the truth was, it was joyless. The visceral pleasure I’d once found in operating was gone, replaced by an iron focus on overcoming the nausea, the pain, the fatigue. Coming home each night, I would scarf down a handful of pain pills, then crawl into bed next to Lucy, who had returned to a full work sched-ule as well. She was now in the first trimester of pregnancy, with the baby due in June, when I would complete residency. We had a photo of our child as a blastocyst, taken just before implantation. (“She has your cell membrane,” I remarked to Lucy.) Still, I was determined to restore my life to its prior trajectory.

診斷出癌癥后的六個(gè)月，再次照片子，病情穩(wěn)定。我又開(kāi)始找工作了。既然癌癥沒(méi)有再擴(kuò)散，我也許還能活好幾年。那么，我為之辛勤奮斗多年的事業(yè)，經(jīng)歷了病痛的阻礙之后，似乎又重回到咫尺之遙的地方。我?guī)缀醵寄苈?tīng)到嘹亮的勝利號(hào)角了。
Another stable scan six months after diagnosis passed, and I reopened my job search. With my cancer under control, I might have several years left. It seemed the career I had worked for years to attain, which had disappeared amid disease, was now back in reach. I could almost hear trumpets sounding a victory fanfare.

接著，我去見(jiàn)艾瑪，談?wù)摵暧^意義上的生命，以及我自己的生命走向。我說(shuō)起亨利·亞當(dāng)斯，他曾比較過(guò)內(nèi)燃機(jī)帶來(lái)的科學(xué)力量和圣母瑪利亞的存在帶來(lái)的力量?，F(xiàn)在，關(guān)于我的科學(xué)問(wèn)題算是暫時(shí)塵埃落定，關(guān)于我的存在問(wèn)題就成了頭等大事。不過(guò)，這兩種問(wèn)題都是醫(yī)生所關(guān)心的。最近我聽(tīng)說(shuō)斯坦福那個(gè)外科兼科研的職位，就是那個(gè)我?guī)缀跻呀?jīng)被內(nèi)定為“法定繼承人”的職位，在我病假期間已經(jīng)找到人了。我很崩潰，也跟艾瑪傾訴了。
During my next visit with Emma, we talked about life and where it was taking me. I recalled Henry Adams trying to compare the scientific force of the combustion engine and the existential force of the Virgin Mary. The scientific questions were settled for now, allowing the existential ones full play, yet both were in the doctor’s purview. I had recently learned that the surgeon-scientist position at Stanford—the job for which I had been heir apparent—had been filled while I was out sick. I was crushed, and told her so.

“嗯，”她說(shuō)，“這件事情還真是挺折磨人的。你肯定已經(jīng)深切體會(huì)到個(gè)中滋味了。我很遺憾?！?br>“Well,” she said, “this doctor-professor thing can be a real grind. But you know that already. I’m sorry.”

“嗯，我覺(jué)得科研給我的興奮點(diǎn)是，能花個(gè)十幾二十年去做項(xiàng)目?，F(xiàn)在那么長(zhǎng)的時(shí)間我是不敢想了，所以也就不那么迫切想當(dāng)科學(xué)家了。”我想安慰自己，“短短幾年，也做不成什么?！?br>“Yeah, I guess the science that excited me was about twenty-year projects. Without that kind of time frame, I’m not sure I’m all that interested in being a scientist.” I tried to console myself. “You can’t get much done in a couple of years.”

“說(shuō)得對(duì)。只要記住，你做得很好。你又開(kāi)始工作了。你就要有孩子了。你在尋找自己的價(jià)值。這可不容易。”
“Right. And just remember, you’re doing great. You’re working again. You’ve got a baby on the way. You’re finding your values, and that’s not easy.”

那天晚些時(shí)候，一個(gè)比較年輕的教授——過(guò)去也是住院醫(yī)生，我的好朋友——在走廊里叫住我。
Later that day one of the younger professors, a former resident and close friend, stopped me in the hallway.

“嘿，”她說(shuō)，“系里開(kāi)會(huì)，都在討論拿你怎么辦?！?br>“Hey,” she said. “There’s been a lot of discussion in faculty meetings about what to do with you.”

“拿我怎么辦，為什么？”
“What to do with me, how?”

“我覺(jué)得有些教授很擔(dān)心你畢業(yè)的問(wèn)題?！?br>“I think some professors are concerned about you graduating.”

住院醫(yī)生畢業(yè)有兩個(gè)條件：一是達(dá)到一系列國(guó)家級(jí)和地方級(jí)的要求，這我已經(jīng)做到了；二就是系里的批準(zhǔn)。
Graduation from residency required two things: meeting a set of national and local requirements, which I’d already done, and the blessing of the faculty.

“怎么了？”我說(shuō)，“不是我驕傲，我也算很好的外科醫(yī)生了，比得上——”
“What?” I said. “I don’t mean to sound cocky, but I’m a good surgeon, just as good as—”

“我知道。我覺(jué)得他們只是想看到你完全承擔(dān)起住院總醫(yī)生的責(zé)任。那是因?yàn)樗麄兒芟矚g你。說(shuō)句真心話?！?br>“I know. I think they probably just want to see you performing the full load of a chief. It’s because they like you. Seriously.”

我意識(shí)到她這話的確真心：過(guò)去幾個(gè)月里，我的表現(xiàn)僅僅稱得上是一個(gè)“外科技師”。我拿癌癥當(dāng)借口，沒(méi)有履行對(duì)病人的全部職責(zé)。話說(shuō)回來(lái)，癌癥也真是個(gè)好借口啊，媽的。但現(xiàn)在我已經(jīng)漸漸早出晚歸，又開(kāi)始看顧病人，每天工作十二小時(shí)之外，還加班四個(gè)小時(shí)。我再次時(shí)時(shí)刻刻以病人為中心了。頭兩天我以為自己快不行了，無(wú)時(shí)無(wú)刻不在忍著波濤洶涌的惡心、疼痛與疲乏，撐不住的時(shí)候找張沒(méi)人的病床就睡了。但是，到了第三天，盡管身體還是不行，我卻又開(kāi)始享受工作了。與病人重新親密接觸，讓我又找回了這份工作的意義。手術(shù)與看顧的間隙和查房之前，我會(huì)記得吃止吐藥和非類固醇的抗炎藥。的確很痛苦，但我又完全回歸了。我不再去找沒(méi)人的病床，而是在初級(jí)住院醫(yī)生的沙發(fā)上休息，指導(dǎo)他們看顧我的病人；一邊忍受背部痙攣，一邊給他們講課。身體上的折磨越多，完成工作的樂(lè)趣就越大。第一周結(jié)束后，我整整睡了四十個(gè)小時(shí)。
I realized it was true: For the past few months, I had been acting merely as a surgical technician. I had been using cancer as an excuse not to take full responsibility for my patients. On the other hand, it was a good excuse, damn it. But now I started coming in earlier, staying later, fully caring for the patients again, adding another four hours to a twelve-hour day. It put the patients back in the center of my mind at all times. The first two days I thought I would have to quit, battling waves of nausea, pain, and fatigue, retreating to an unused bed in down moments to sleep. But by the third day, I had begun to enjoy it again, despite the wreck of my body. Reconnecting with patients brought back the meaning of this work. I took antiemetics and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs)between cases and just before rounds. I was suffering, but I was fully back. Instead of finding an unused bed, I started resting on the junior residents’ couch, supervising them on the care of my patients, lecturing as I rode a wave of back spasms. The more tortured my body became, the more I relished having done the work. At the end of the first week, I slept for forty hours straight.