對(duì)總是說(shuō)“是”的人來(lái)說(shuō)，如何說(shuō)“不”

對(duì)總是說(shuō)“是”的人來(lái)說(shuō)，如何說(shuō)“不”

It can be tempting to say yes to things you just don't want to do. Might as well just get it done so nothing bad happens, right?

對(duì)你不想做的事情說(shuō)“是”是很有誘惑力的。不如把它做完，這樣就不會(huì)有什么不好的事情發(fā)生，對(duì)吧?

But there's a high price for constantly aiming to make other people happy.

但是，不斷地以讓別人快樂(lè)為目標(biāo)是要付出高昂代價(jià)的。

"We suppress and repress who we are to please others," says Natalie Lue. She coaches people to curb their people-pleasing tendencies.

娜塔莉·盧說(shuō):“我們?yōu)榱巳倓e人而壓抑自己。”她指導(dǎo)人們抑制取悅他人的傾向。

When your top priority is to be liked all the time, you aren't in touch with what you need. "You are going to find it very, very difficult to do what you need to do for you," Lue says.

當(dāng)你的首要任務(wù)是讓別人總是喜歡你的時(shí)候，你就無(wú)法得到你需要的東西。“你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)做你需要做的事情是非常非常困難的，”盧說(shuō)。

People pleasing isn't something that just pushovers do. Lue notes that perfectionists tend to be prone to people pleasing.

取悅別人不是弱者才會(huì)做的事。盧指出，完美主義者傾向于取悅別人。

The good news is that it's a changeable habit. Here are some tips that Lue recommends.

好消息是，這是一個(gè)可以改變的習(xí)慣。以下是盧推薦的一些建議。

Get some data

獲得一些數(shù)據(jù)

Over a week, observe how you spend your time and energy. Lue recommends keeping note of how many times you say yes, no or maybe to a request. Don't judge it — just observe — she says.

在一周的時(shí)間里，觀察你是如何花費(fèi)時(shí)間和精力的。盧建議記錄下你對(duì)某個(gè)請(qǐng)求說(shuō)了多少次“是”、“不是”或者“可能”。她說(shuō)，不要評(píng)判，觀察就好。

"People pleasers do not have many no's or even maybes in that week," says Lue.

盧說(shuō):“在那一周，取悅別人的人不會(huì)說(shuō)很多‘不’，甚至不會(huì)說(shuō)‘可能’。”

Notice and record how each of those requests made you feel.

注意并記錄每一個(gè)“請(qǐng)求”給你的感覺(jué)。

Along with collecting data about how many times you said no in a week, try documenting your energy level and your calendar. Did saying yes to too many things mean your days were too busy?

在收集你一周說(shuō)了多少次“不”的數(shù)據(jù)的同時(shí)，試著記錄下你的能量水平和日程表。對(duì)太多的事情說(shuō)“是”是否意味著你的生活太忙了?

"We might look at our week [and realize], 'I spend, like, 90% of my week doing stuff that feels like I'm trapped. ... This is why I'm anxious,' " explains Lue.

“我們可能會(huì)審視自己的一周(然后意識(shí)到)，‘我一周90%的時(shí)間都在做那些讓我感覺(jué)被困住了的事情……這就是我焦慮的原因，’”盧釋道。

The next time someone asks you for something, assess your time and energy before taking on new responsibilities.

下次有人向你提出要求時(shí)，在承擔(dān)新的責(zé)任之前評(píng)估一下自己的時(shí)間和精力。

"People are missing out on things that we actually do want to do because we've been too busy turning around and saying yes to stuff that we shouldn't," says Lue.

盧說(shuō):“人們錯(cuò)過(guò)了我們真正想做的事情，因?yàn)槲覀兛偸敲χ仡^去做那些我們不應(yīng)該做的事情。”

Learn the difference between desire and obligation

學(xué)習(xí)愿望和義務(wù)之間的區(qū)別

Lue says gathering all this data helps distinguish between when you feel excited to say yes to something and when it feels like an obligation.

盧表示，收集所有這些數(shù)據(jù)有助于區(qū)分什么時(shí)候你感到興奮地說(shuō)“是”，什么時(shí)候它感覺(jué)像是一種義務(wù)。

"If you do things from a place of guilt or obligation, it is guaranteed to lead to resentment," she says. Because when a people pleaser doesn't see someone spending the same amount of time or energy on them, that can make the people pleaser feel robbed.

“如果你做事情是出于內(nèi)疚或義務(wù)，那肯定會(huì)招致怨恨，”她說(shuō)。因?yàn)楫?dāng)一個(gè)取悅別人的人沒(méi)有看到別人花同樣的時(shí)間和精力在他們身上時(shí)，會(huì)讓這個(gè)取悅別人的人感到被敲詐了。

Start to notice the kinds of requests that align with your values or make you feel good.

開(kāi)始注意那些符合你的價(jià)值觀或讓你感覺(jué)良好的要求。

Before you say yes, pause

在你答應(yīng)之前，先暫停一下

So what do you do when there's an urge to please?

那么，當(dāng)你迫切地想要取悅別人時(shí)，你會(huì)怎么做呢?

"There is great power in the pause," says Lue. Often a people pleaser jumps to say yes to get rid of any perceived tension or anxiety.

盧說(shuō):“停頓中蘊(yùn)含著巨大的力量。”取悅別人的人通常會(huì)跳起來(lái)說(shuō)“是”，以擺脫任何覺(jué)察到的緊張或焦慮。

Pausing not only buys you a little time but helps you assess what's really behind the request. Was this a demand? Or was it just a suggestion?

暫停不僅能給你贏得一點(diǎn)時(shí)間，還能幫助你評(píng)估請(qǐng)求背后的真正意圖。這是要求嗎?還是只是個(gè)建議?

Learn the art of the soft no

學(xué)會(huì)委婉地說(shuō)“不”的藝術(shù)

Lue says there's a difference between a "hard no" and a "soft no." A hard no is clear, concise and brief — "No, thank you" or a "Thanks so much for asking. But I'm not able to this week."

盧說(shuō)，強(qiáng)硬的“不”和委婉的“不”是有區(qū)別的。強(qiáng)硬的“不”是清楚的、簡(jiǎn)潔的、簡(jiǎn)短的—“不，謝謝你”或者“謝謝你的詢(xún)問(wèn)，但我這周沒(méi)有時(shí)間。”

A soft no, for example: "Thank you so much for asking me to do this project. It sounds really exciting, but I don't have the time for it at this time."

一個(gè)委婉的“不”，例如：“非常感謝您讓我做這個(gè)項(xiàng)目。這聽(tīng)起來(lái)真的很令人興奮，但我現(xiàn)在沒(méi)有足夠的時(shí)間來(lái)做這件事”