當在社交媒體上說你胖的那個人是你媽媽

The “Dear Sugars” podcast is an advice program hosted by Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed.

“親愛的糖糖”(Dear Sugars)播客是史蒂夫·阿爾蒙德(Steve Almond)和謝麗爾·史翠德(Cheryl Strayed)主持的一檔咨詢節(jié)目。

Dear Sugars,

親愛的糖糖，

I’m a 37-year-old woman with two children and a fantastic husband. I enjoy my career and have a fruitful social life. I’m also obese, though I do my best to eat healthfully. I have spent a lot of energy on self-acceptance, and mostly I feel good about how I look. The problem is my mother.

我今年37歲，有兩個孩子和一個優(yōu)秀的丈夫。我喜歡自己的職業(yè)，社交生活豐富。我也很胖，但我盡力吃得健康。我費了很大努力接受自己，多數(shù)時候滿意自己的外表。問題是我的母親。

She has always been critical of my looks and has never shied away from telling me that I need to lose weight. Recently, she has started posting about my body on Facebook. Whether it’s a negative comment on a photo or a post about weight loss on my wall, the message is clear: Your body is not acceptable. I delete the comments and hide the posts, but that doesn’t make them any less hurtful.

她總是挑剔我的外表，并且從不掩飾地告訴我，說我需要減肥。最近，她開始在Facebook上對我的身材品頭評足。無論是對我的照片發(fā)表負面評論，還是在我的涂鴉墻上發(fā)有關減肥的帖子，她傳遞的信息都很明確：你的身材不可接受。我刪掉了評論，隱藏了她的帖子，但這并不會減少它們對我的傷害。

I’m nervous to talk to her about this because she’ll likely claim she didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it, and I’ll end up apologizing and nothing will change. Her self-esteem is low, she’s an alcoholic, and she has depression. I’ve read that alcoholics tend to be hypercritical of others, but sensitive to feedback of their own behaviors. I’m also sensitive to the fact that her behavior is learned — her mother is likewise critical. But I want to make sure she understands how uncomfortable it is to have your mom talk about your body critically in general, but especially in a public forum. What advice do you have for me in approaching this?

和她討論這件事讓我緊張，因為她可能會說，她不是我想的那樣，最后會以我向她道歉告終，然后一切照舊。她自卑、酗酒，還有抑郁癥。我看過的資料上說，酗酒者往往對他人吹毛求疵，但對自己的行為引起的反應卻很敏感。我還很介意一件事：她的行為是后天習得的。她的母親也很挑剔。但我想讓她明白，自己的母親經(jīng)常批評你的身材，尤其是在公開論壇上，這實在讓人很難受。如何解決這個問題，你們有什么建議嗎?

Feeling Shamed

“感到丟臉”

Cheryl Strayed: I’m sorry your mother does that to you. It’s mean and it’s wrong. You don’t say whether you’ve talked to your mother in the past about her hurtful criticism of your body, but your description of the dynamic you expect tells me previous conversations of this nature have been dysfunctional and ineffective. Take note of that. You aren’t going to get the results you’re hoping for if you go in with the same mind-set as you have previously when addressing such conflicts. You can’t change what your mother says or does, but you can change what you say and do.

謝麗爾·史翠德：我為你媽媽這樣對你感到難過。她這樣做很刻薄，是不對的。你沒有提到以前是否跟她談過她對你身材的傷人批評，但是根據(jù)你對可能出現(xiàn)的情況的描述，我猜測之前的此類對話是無效的。請注意這一點。如果你還帶著之前處理此類沖突時的思維模式跟她談話，就不會得到想要的結果。你無法改變你母親的言行，但你可以改變自己的言行。

You write that you want your mother to understand “how uncomfortable it is” to have her “talk about your body critically,” but here’s the thing, Feeling Shamed: She already does. She wants to make you feel uncomfortable. That is her very intention. She’s using shame the way shame is used — as a weapon to compel people to do what they wouldn’t otherwise do or pay a price.

你說你想讓媽媽明白，她“經(jīng)常批評你的身材……這實在讓人很難受”，但是，“感到丟臉”女士，事實是這樣的：她已經(jīng)那樣做了。她就是想讓你覺得不舒服。那正是她的本意。她就是要發(fā)揮羞恥感的作用，把它用作一種武器，迫使他人做自己不愿做的事，否則就得付出代價。

I encourage you to let go of any notion about changing your mother’s mind. Instead of imploring her to consider your feelings, protect yourself from her by setting and holding a clear boundary. Don’t beg for her compassion. Tell her you will no longer accept her behavior.

我建議你放棄任何改變你媽媽心態(tài)的想法。不要懇求她考慮你的感受，而是通過設定和保持一個清晰的界線來保護你不受她的傷害。不要乞求她的同情。只需告訴她，你不會再接受她的行為。

Steve Almond: Amen to all of the above. Your mother is a bully. It sounds like she grew up under the care of a bully and, as often happens, her version of love became infected by a compulsion to shame. Whatever its source, her behavior is emotionally abusive and has been for a long time.

史蒂夫·阿爾蒙德：為你所說的一切而祈禱。你媽媽是個霸凌者?？礃幼?，她也是在一個霸凌者的照顧之下長大的，這種情況往往會導致她心目中的愛與強迫癥般地羞辱他人密不可分。不管根源是什么，她的行為都是情感上的虐待，而且已經(jīng)持續(xù)了很長時間。

This will sound odd, but I suspect the reason you haven’t confronted her more forcefully is because you feel guilty. You of all people recognize how sad and isolated she is, and like all loving children, you wish to remain connected to her, even if the price of that connection is withstanding her abuse. It’s a doomed form of loyalty. Your job now is not to abandon her, but to defend yourself from the parts of her that are broken and destructive.

這聽起來很奇怪，但我懷疑，你之所以沒有更努力反抗她，只是因為你感到內(nèi)疚。只有你知道她是多么悲哀和孤獨，和所有充滿愛心的孩子一樣，你希望繼續(xù)和她保持良好關系，盡管代價是繼續(xù)忍受她的虐待。這是一種注定會失敗的忠誠?，F(xiàn)在，你的任務不是拋棄她，而是保護你自己不受她性格中消極破壞成分的傷害。

You’ve done the hard work of finding self-acceptance in other areas of your life. Now it’s time to demand acceptance from your mother. She may not be able to handle this shift in the terms of your engagement, at least initially. But that’s something for her to work out. Which is to say, it’s her decision and not one you can control.

你已經(jīng)努力在生活的其他領域中實現(xiàn)了自我接納?，F(xiàn)在，是時候要求你媽媽也接納你了。她也許無法按照你的方式來應對這種變化——至少一開始會這樣。但那是她需要想辦法搞定的事。也就是說，那是她的決定，不是你能控制的。

CS: As a woman who has worked hard for self-acceptance, you already know the importance of shutting out messages that are detrimental to you, whether they be from the culture or individuals. I suggest you use that same approach with your mother. Tell her calmly but firmly that you will block her on social media if she posts any more negative comments about your weight or appearance and then do it if she does. One strike, and she’s out.

謝麗爾·史翠德：作為一個在努力接納自我的女性，你已經(jīng)知道了屏蔽有害消息的重要性，不論這些消息是來自文化還是個人。我建議你用同樣的方法對你的母親。冷靜而堅決地告訴她，如果她再發(fā)布任何有關你的體重或外貌的負面評價，你就會在社交媒體上屏蔽她，并且說到做到。“一振”出局。

Refusing to allow your mother to have access to you on social media doesn’t mean you have to cut her out of your life. It means you’re closing down a portal through which she has repeatedly chosen to hurt and shame you even after you’ve explicitly asked her not to. Likewise, when she brings up the subject in conversation, tell her you will not discuss your body with her. I suggest you practice ahead of time so you won’t lose your nerve. Write down the sentence you’ll say in response to her criticisms and rehearse it so you’re ready when the time comes.

拒絕讓你母親與你在社交媒體上有接觸，不意味著你就要把她踢出你的生活。只是說，你關閉了一個即使在你明確要求她不再這么做之后她仍然反復用來傷害你、使你感到羞愧的入口。同樣的，當她在談話中提到這些問題時，要告訴她你不會與她討論你的身體。我建議你提前練習，這樣你就不會失去勇氣。對她的批評，寫下你要用作回應的句子并排練一下，到時候你就能有所準備。

SA: You wouldn’t have written us, Shamed, if you weren’t ready to set this boundary. That’s why you wrote us. But it’s still a big deal. For years, you’ve been protecting your mother by absorbing her criticism and swallowing your real feelings. You’ve allowed her to make your weight the issue, rather than her cruelty.

史蒂夫·阿爾蒙德：如果你還沒準備好設定界線，你就不會給我們寫信說這是“受辱”。這就是你為什么給我們寫信。但這仍然是件大事。多年來，你通過忍受她的批評、壓抑自己的真實感情，保護著你的母親。你允許她把你的體重當作問題，而不是她的殘忍。

For all the reasons we’ve enumerated, that has to stop. But here’s a final one to consider, one that may stiffen your resolve: your children. You’ve clearly worked hard to build a happy and meaningful life. Your marriage, career and social life attest to this, and your success in each area sends a positive message to your children.

出于我們列舉的種種理由，這必須停止。但還有最后一點需要考慮，可能會使你的決心更加堅定的一點：你的孩子。顯然，你在努力構建一個快樂而有意義的生活。你的婚姻、事業(yè)和社交生活都證明了這點，而你在各個方面的成功都在向你的孩子們傳達著正面的信息。

But the ways in which your mother has been able to chip away at your self-esteem sends quite a different message. The point isn’t that you owe it to your children to stand up to your mother. You owe it to yourself. But in doing so, you’re also sending a powerful message to your children about how to set limits with troubled people — even troubled grandmas — who attempt to inflict their self-hatred on you.

但你母親通過這樣的方式侵蝕你的自尊，卻傳達了完全不同的信息。反抗你的母親，重點不在于這是你虧欠孩子什么。這是你欠自己的。但通過這么做，你也給孩子們傳達了一個強有力的信息，告訴他們?nèi)绾谓o有問題的人設定界線——即使那個人是有問題的外婆——那些企圖把他們的自憎強加于你的人。