修復(fù)婚姻，你需要這些“愛的花招”

After studying thousands of couples, the psychologist Eli Finkel has an explanation for the decline in people’s satisfaction with their marriages over the past four decades: It’s a matter of emotional supply and demand.

經(jīng)過對(duì)數(shù)千對(duì)夫婦的研究，心理學(xué)家伊萊·芬克爾(Eli Finkel)解釋了為什么過去四十年來(lái)人們對(duì)婚姻的滿意度在下降：這是一個(gè)情感供應(yīng)和需求問題。

Many people are looking to their partners to replace the companionship and emotional support once provided by extended families and local institutions like churches, bowling leagues, bridge groups, fraternal lodges and garden clubs. Meanwhile, though, many couples are so busy with their jobs and parenting that they’re actually spending less time together by themselves.

許多人對(duì)婚姻的期待是，曾經(jīng)由大家族和教會(huì)、保齡球聯(lián)賽、橋牌小組、兄弟會(huì)和園藝俱樂部等本地機(jī)構(gòu)提供的聯(lián)誼與情感支持，現(xiàn)在可以由他們的伴侶取代。然而，與此同時(shí)，許多夫婦要忙于工作和育兒，在一起的時(shí)間反而變少了。

What to do? Unless you’re willing to reduce your demands, the only solution is to increase the supply. You can devote a lot more effort to satisfying your partner, and Dr. Finkel tells you how to do that in his new book, “The All-or-Nothing Marriage.”

怎么辦?唯一的對(duì)策是增加供應(yīng)，除非你愿意削減需求。你可以加倍努力去滿足你的伴侶，對(duì)此芬克爾在他的新書《非成即敗的婚姻》(The All-or-Nothing Marriage)中介紹了具體做法。

But if that sounds like too much work, he also offers a few shortcuts that he calls “love hacks.” If your schedule doesn’t allow a weekly date night, if you don’t want to take long walks on the beach or go on joint self-actualization vacations, you can use some quick fixes that have been tested successfully in Dr. Finkel’s relationships laboratory at Northwestern and elsewhere.

不過，如果你覺得這太麻煩，他還給出了一些稱為“愛的花招”的捷徑。如果你在時(shí)間上做不到每周拿出一晚的約會(huì)時(shí)間，如果你不想花很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間在沙灘上漫步，或者和對(duì)方一起進(jìn)行自我實(shí)現(xiàn)性的度假，你可以利用一些簡(jiǎn)便的彌補(bǔ)措施，芬克爾在自己的西北大學(xué)情感關(guān)系實(shí)驗(yàn)室以及其他地方已經(jīng)驗(yàn)證了這些辦法的有效性。

A love hack, as Dr. Finkel defines it, is a proven technique that takes little time or effort and doesn’t even require cooperation from your partner. “It’s a quick-and-dirty option that can take just a few minutes a month,” he says. “It’s not going to give you a great marriage, but it can certainly improve things. After all, simply allowing the relationship to slip off the priority list will probably yield stagnation, or worse.”

按照芬克爾的定義，所謂“愛的花招”就是一種不需要花很多時(shí)間或精力、甚至不需要伴侶配合的可靠技巧。“每個(gè)月花幾分鐘就能辦到的一種投機(jī)取巧的方法，”他說(shuō)。“用這個(gè)換不來(lái)一樁杰出的婚姻，但做一些改善是沒問題的。說(shuō)到底，單單只是任由情感關(guān)系的優(yōu)先級(jí)往下降，都有可能導(dǎo)致發(fā)展的停滯，甚至更糟。”

He offers a variety of love hacks because he doesn’t believe in one-size-fits-all solutions for relationships. He suggests picking whichever hack appeals and starting right away.

他給出了各種愛的花招，因?yàn)樗幌嘈徘楦嘘P(guān)系存在萬(wàn)金油式的解決方案。他建議選擇自己感興趣的花招，立即開始實(shí)施。

Touch Your Partner

觸碰你的伴侶

Holding hands can win you points even when you don’t mean it, as demonstrated in an experiment with couples who watched a video together. Some people were instructed not to touch their partners during the video, while others were told to touch in a “warm, comfortable and positive way.”

拉手是加分的，即便你并不是真心想拉手，這一點(diǎn)通過讓夫婦一起看一段視頻的實(shí)驗(yàn)得到了證明。其中一些人得到的指令是不要在看視頻時(shí)觸碰伴侶，另一些人則被要求以一種“溫暖、舒適和積極的方式”去觸碰對(duì)方。

Afterward, the people who had been touched reported being more confident of being loved by their partner — and this effect occurred even when the people knew that their partners’ actions were being directed by the researchers. Their rational selves knew that the hand-holding wasn’t a spontaneous gesture of affection, but it made them feel better anyway.

接下來(lái)，被觸碰的人表現(xiàn)出對(duì)伴侶的愛有更多信心——即便知道伴侶是在研究人員指示下行動(dòng)，也會(huì)產(chǎn)生這種效果。他們的理性自我知道，拉手并非一種出于喜愛的自發(fā)舉動(dòng)，但還是能讓他們感覺更好一些。

Don’t Jump to Bad Conclusions

不要急于下糟糕的結(jié)論

If your partner does something wrong, like not returning a phone call, don’t over-interpret it. Researchers have found that one of the biggest differences between happy and unhappy couples is their “attributional style” in explaining a partner’s offense.

如果你的伴侶做了錯(cuò)事，比如沒有回電話，不要過度解讀。研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，幸福與不幸福夫婦之間的最大不同在于，他們?cè)诮忉屢粋€(gè)伴侶的過錯(cuò)時(shí)所采用的“歸因方式”。

The unhappy couples tend to automatically attribute something like an unreturned phone call to a permanent inner flaw in the partner (“He’s too selfish to care about me”) rather than a temporary external situation, like an unusually busy day at work. When something goes wrong, before drawing any conclusions about your partner, take a few seconds to consider an alternative explanation that puts the blame elsewhere.

面對(duì)未回電之類的問題，不幸福的夫婦往往直接將之歸咎為伴侶的某種永久性的內(nèi)在缺陷。(“他太自私了，不關(guān)心我”)而不是暫時(shí)性的外部情況，比如今天的工作格外忙。遇到問題時(shí)不要急于對(duì)伴侶下結(jié)論，花上幾秒時(shí)間想一想，有沒有另一種解釋可以說(shuō)明問題在別的地方。

Picture a Fight From the Outside

從外人的視角想象一場(chǎng)爭(zhēng)吵

In an experiment with 120 married couples in Chicago, Dr. Finkel periodically asked questions about their marriages over the course of two years. During the first year, their satisfaction with their marriages declined, which unfortunately is typical.

芬克爾在芝加哥進(jìn)行了一場(chǎng)涉及120對(duì)夫妻的實(shí)驗(yàn)，他在兩年時(shí)間里定期就他們的婚姻狀況提問。在第一年里，他們對(duì)婚姻的滿意度下降了，不幸的是這種現(xiàn)象很常見。

At the start of the second year, some of the couples were instructed to try something new when they found themselves in an argument: “Think about this disagreement with your partner from the perspective of a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved; a person who see things from a neutral point of view. How might this person think about the disagreement? How might he or she find the good that could come from it?”

進(jìn)入第二年時(shí)，實(shí)驗(yàn)對(duì)其中一些夫妻做出要求，要他們?cè)诔霈F(xiàn)爭(zhēng)執(zhí)時(shí)嘗試一個(gè)新的做法：“從第三方中立視角來(lái)看待你和伴侶的爭(zhēng)執(zhí)，這個(gè)人希望看到的是皆大歡喜的場(chǎng)面，一個(gè)用中立的眼光看事情的人。這個(gè)人會(huì)怎么看這場(chǎng)爭(zhēng)執(zhí)呢?他或她從中能看到什么好的東西?”

Again, that little exercise made a big difference. Over the next year, marital satisfaction remained stable in those couples, whereas it continued to decline in the control group that hadn’t been instructed to take the third-party perspective.

這個(gè)小小的練習(xí)再一次帶來(lái)了重大變化。第二年里，這樣做的夫妻的婚姻滿意度保持穩(wěn)定，而沒有被要求選擇第三方視角的那一組夫妻，滿意度在繼續(xù)下降。

Make a Gratitude List

列一份感恩清單

Once a week, write down a few things your partner has done to “invest in the relationship,” as the participants in one experiment were instructed to do. Other participants were instructed to list things they had done themselves to invest in the relationship. The ones who patted themselves on the back subsequently felt a little more committed to the relationship, but the ones who wrote about their partners’ contributions felt significantly more committed — and also, not surprisingly, a lot more grateful toward their partners.

有一項(xiàng)實(shí)驗(yàn)要求參與者每周寫下伴侶為“感情投資”做的幾件事。其他參與者被要求列出他們本人為感情投資做過的事。自我表?yè)P(yáng)的人后來(lái)感覺自己對(duì)戀情更投入了，而那些寫下伴侶貢獻(xiàn)的人則感覺自己比以前投入了很多，而且毫不意外地更加感激伴侶。

Accept a Compliment

接受贊美

One of the most common factors in failed marriages is the “rejection sensitivity” of one partner. People with low self-esteem have a hard time believing their partner really loves them, so they often preemptively discount their partner’s affection in order to avoid being hurt by the expected rejection. Eventually, even when they start off with a loving partner, their worst fear comes true because their defensive behavior ends up driving the other person away.

婚姻失敗的一個(gè)最常見因素是有一方“特別害怕被拒絕”。自尊心較低的人很難相信伴侶真的愛自己，所以他們經(jīng)常先否認(rèn)伴侶的愛意，以避免被預(yù)期中的拒絕傷害。結(jié)果，就算他們遇到了一位充滿愛意的伴侶，他們最大的擔(dān)心也會(huì)變成現(xiàn)實(shí)，因?yàn)樗麄兊姆烙袨樽罱K會(huì)疏遠(yuǎn)對(duì)方。

In testing ways to counteract this anxiety, researchers asked insecure people to recall a specific compliment from their partner. Giving a detailed account of the situation and the compliment didn’t have any effect, apparently because these insecure people could dismiss it as a lucky aberration: “For once I did something right.”

研究者在試驗(yàn)消除這種焦慮的方法時(shí)要求缺乏安全感的一方回憶伴侶的一次具體的贊美。詳細(xì)描述當(dāng)時(shí)的情況和相關(guān)贊美之辭沒有產(chǎn)生任何效果，這似乎是因?yàn)槿狈Π踩械娜藭?huì)把那次贊美當(dāng)成幸運(yùn)的反常情況：“我終于把事情做對(duì)了一次。”

But there was a notable effect when people were asked to think about the compliment abstractly: “Explain why your partner admired you. Describe what it meant to you and its significance for your relationship.” That quick exercise helped them see why their partner could really care for them.

但是，當(dāng)研究者要求參與者概括地回想伴侶的贊美時(shí)，效果非常顯著：“解釋一下為什么你的伴侶仰慕你。講述一下這對(duì)你的意義，以及對(duì)你們戀情的重要性。”那項(xiàng)快速練習(xí)幫助他們領(lǐng)悟到為什么伴侶真的是在乎他們。

Celebrate Small Victories

慶祝小小的勝利

When your partner tells you about something that went right in his or her day, get excited about it. Ask questions so your partner can tell you more about the event and relive it. Put some enthusiasm into your voice and your reactions. Researchers call this a “capitalization attempt.”

當(dāng)伴侶告訴你一天中的一件進(jìn)展順利的事時(shí)，為他/她感到興奮。問一些問題，讓伴侶告訴你更多關(guān)于那件事的情況，使之重現(xiàn)一遍。在你的聲音和反應(yīng)中加入熱情。研究者稱之為“將收益變現(xiàn)的嘗試”。

When researchers studied couples who were trained to use these techniques in their evening discussions, it turned out that each partner took more pleasure from their own victories, and both partners ended up feeling closer to each other. By sharing the joy, everyone came out ahead — and in true love-hack fashion, it didn’t take much time at all.

研究者在調(diào)查那些被培訓(xùn)在夜間談話中使用這些技巧的情侶時(shí)發(fā)現(xiàn)，雙方都從自己的勝利中獲得了更多快樂，雙方都感覺與對(duì)方更親密了。通過分享這種快樂，每個(gè)人都獲得了益處，而且從地道的愛的花招的角度講，這根本花不了太多時(shí)間。