17年后，我和哥哥談了那場改變他人生的車禍

I found the driver’s name from a police report that had been filed in Florida 17 years before. The report was torn and creased and incorrect.

我從17年前在佛羅里達被歸檔的一份警方報告里，發(fā)現(xiàn)了那個司機的名字。報告破破爛爛、皺皺巴巴，而且錯漏百出。

It said, “A boy was crossing the street on his bicycle.” But there had been two boys in the road that day and no bike.

它說，“一個男孩騎著自行車過馬路。”但當天，路上有兩個男孩，沒有自行車。

It said, “The boy was hit and his body was thrown 19 yards.” But he wasn’t thrown; he was dragged that far, caught in the dangling chains of the landscaping trailer hitched to the truck.

它說，“男孩被撞了，身體被撞飛到19碼開外，”但他沒有被撞飛;他是卡進掛在卡車上的那輛園林綠化拖車的懸掛鏈，被拖了那么遠。

It said someone fled the scene, but that someone was my older brother, Alex, and he didn’t flee. He dropped the bucket of fish he and Jonathan had caught and rushed over to his friend, but the boy was already dead.

它說某個人逃離了現(xiàn)場，但所謂的某個人是我哥哥亞歷克斯，他并未逃離。他丟下自己和喬納森(Jonathan)捕的一桶魚，沖到朋友身邊，但那個男孩已經(jīng)死了。

Alex had just turned 15. This is the day we never spoke about.

亞歷克斯當時剛過完15歲生日。我們從未談論過這一天。

We were born one year and three months apart but looked like twins with our rosebud lips and Irish blue eyes.

我比他晚出生一年零三個月，但我們看上去就像雙胞胎，都有著玫瑰花蕾般的嘴唇和愛爾蘭人的藍眼睛。

Before the accident, we were inseparable. We had our own rooms but often shared my bed when we were little. When we got too big for that, Alex started sleeping on my bedroom floor. In the dark, we’d joke about all of the things we could buy if someday we won the lottery (a house made of pizza for him and an island full of monkeys for me).

事故發(fā)生前，我們總是形影不離。我們有各自的房間，但小時候常常在我的床上一同入睡。等到我們長大一些，沒法擠在同一張床上了，亞歷克斯便開始睡在我臥室的地板上。黑暗中，我們會拿一旦中了彩票要買的各種東西開玩笑(給他買一棟用披薩建造的房子，給我買個滿是猴子的小島)。

Alex told me ghost stories until I was too scared to fall asleep. He would reach up from the floor to hold my hand, letting go somewhere between midnight and morning.

亞歷克斯會給我講鬼故事，直到我因為太害怕而睡意全無。躺在地板上的他會伸出手來，握住我的手，在午夜到清晨的某一刻才會放開。

After the accident, Alex never slept in my room again.

事故發(fā)生后，亞歷克斯再也沒睡在我的臥室里。

On the way to the funeral, our parents told him that what had happened was God’s will, that this was part of a much bigger plan. On the way home, as Alex slept, they told me that maybe it was better if we didn’t bring it up again.

去參加葬禮的路上，我的父母告訴他，之前發(fā)生的一切是上帝的旨意，只是一個更宏大的規(guī)劃的組成部分?；丶业穆飞?，趁亞歷克斯睡著的時候，他們告訴我，如果我們再也不提及此事，或許會好些。

So when I heard Alex crying in his room at night, I stayed where I was, wrapped in my comforter, and I didn’t bring it up.

因此，當我聽到亞歷克斯晚上在他的房間里哭泣時，我留在原處，躲在被子里。我沒有提及此事。

When Alex was 19, he dropped out of college — even though he had always been the smart one, the honor roll son — and I didn’t bring it up. At 23, when he was first arrested on charges of driving under the influence, and at 24, when he went to jail for reckless driving, and at 25, 26 and 27, when he was getting high in the morning and drunk at night, I never brought it up.

亞歷克斯19歲那年從大學輟學了，盡管他一直是我們中更聰明的那一個，常常上光榮榜，而我沒有提及此事。當他在23歲那年因為醉駕第一次被捕，在24歲那年因為魯莽駕駛進監(jiān)獄，在25歲、26歲和27歲的年紀早上吸毒夜里買醉的時候，我從未提及此事。

Instead, my parents posted his bail, I paid off his credit cards, and if he needed a ride or rent money, one of us came through. When none of that worked to change him, I took a different tack.

但我的父母為他了交保釋金，我為他還了卡債，每當他需要搭便車或者付租金，我們?nèi)齻€中的一個便會現(xiàn)身。發(fā)現(xiàn)這樣做無法改變他以后，我換了方法。

I started yelling at him to grow up, take responsibility, stop drinking, start working and go back to school. Then I would soften and say how much I loved him and how proud of him I was when he got a job waiting tables, and, yes, I would help pay for culinary school and, yes, he and his new girlfriend could stay with me whenever they visited New York City and, no, there was nothing I wanted more than to see him happy again.

我開始朝他大喊大叫，讓他快點長大，負起責任，停止喝酒，開始工作，回學校上學。然后我會軟化自己的態(tài)度，告訴他我有多愛他，當他在餐廳當服務生時我有多以他為傲，而且沒錯，我會幫他出烹飪學校的學費，沒錯，他和他的新女朋友無論何時來紐約市都可以住在我那里，沒錯，我最大的愿望就是看到他重新快樂起來。

When none of that worked, I still didn’t bring it up.

當所有這些都不管用的時候，我仍然沒有提及此事。

Until one night, when we were 30 and 31, and I offhandedly (and uncomfortably) asked over dinner if he ever thought about the day Jonathan died.

直到我們分別進入人生的第30和31個年頭，一天晚上，共進晚餐時我隨口(不甚自在地)問道，他可曾想起過喬納森去世的那天。

“Oh, now you want to talk about that?” he shot back with a laugh. And in that moment, I felt his fury over our silence. “You don’t need to worry about it now.”

“哦，你現(xiàn)在想談論這個了?”他笑著回擊了我一句。那一刻，我感受到了我們的沉默在他內(nèi)心點燃的怒火。“你現(xiàn)在沒必要為此費心了。”

We had been communicating before we could even speak, but this conversation we didn’t have words for.

從前，我們在還不會說話時就會彼此溝通。但此刻，我們卻無話可說。

“Do you remember,” I asked him, “when you were 7 and you got that awful haircut and then I begged Mom for a matching mullet?” He smiled but said nothing. “And how much you liked swing dancing when we were kids so I let you practice all those dips and throws on me even though I knew I would end up on the ground?”

“你記得嗎，”我問他，“你7歲那年剪了那個糟糕的發(fā)型，然后我央求媽媽給我也弄個一模一樣前短后長的發(fā)型。”他笑了笑，沒說話。“還有，我們小時候那會兒，你多喜歡搖擺舞啊，所以我讓你拿我練下傾和拋擲動作，雖然我知道自己最后一定會跌倒在地上。”

“I did that for you,” he said. “You liked swing, not me.”

“我是為了你才那樣做的，”他說。“喜歡搖擺舞的是你，不是我。”

The point I wanted to make, but didn’t know how, was that I missed sharing a life with him.

我想要表達但卻不知如何表達的意思是，我懷念跟他分享生活點滴的日子。

Later we both went home and let the silence continue to grow.

后來我們各自回家，讓沉默繼續(xù)發(fā)酵。

I was desperate to reconnect and convinced that the only way to do so was to get as close as I could to the moment when his life split into a before and an after. I needed to talk to someone who knew what Alex knew, who had seen what Alex had seen.

我極度渴望彌合我們之間的疏離，并且確信唯一方法是盡我所能地靠近把他的生活劈成兩半的那一刻。我需要找到某個知道亞歷克斯所知道的情形，看過亞歷克斯所看過的場面的人。

I searched the online archives of our hometown newspaper and scrolled for hours until I found Jonathan’s name in a write-up about the accident. After a dozen phone calls, I tracked down the police report. They couldn’t mail me a copy but said I was welcome to come to the station and see it for myself.

我上網(wǎng)搜索家鄉(xiāng)報紙的網(wǎng)絡檔案，翻看了很多個小時，終于在關(guān)于那場事故的一篇報道里發(fā)現(xiàn)了喬納森的名字。打了十幾個電話以后，我追查到了警方的那份報告。他們不能郵寄一份副本給我，但表示歡迎我去警局親眼看一看。

So not long after, I flew to Florida and did just that.

因此沒過多久，我就登上飛機，去佛羅里達看報告了。

Sitting on a swivel chair in the police station’s cramped archives office, I ran my finger over my brother’s sloppy teenage script, his signature underneath his witness statement.

警局的檔案館頗為逼仄，我坐在一把轉(zhuǎn)椅里，用手指撫過我哥哥少年時潦草的字跡，還有證詞下他的簽名。

As I read, I could almost hear his voice: “Traffic was speeding up, there wasn’t enough time. I reached the sidewalk first and when I turned around, Jonathan was still in the middle of the road. I saw him get hit. When the ambulance came, I had to go across the street and tell his mother.”

閱讀證詞時，我仿佛能聽到他的聲音：“車在加速，沒有足夠的時間。我先到了人行道那里，回過頭去發(fā)現(xiàn)喬納森還站在路中間。我看到他被撞了。救護車趕到的時候，我不得不穿過馬路去通知他媽媽。”

I wrote down the driver’s name and later found his phone number listed online. By the time I was back in New York, I had thought of a hundred reasons not to call but I had to: He knew what Alex had been through. On the sixth ring, he picked up. “Yeah, hello?”

我用筆記下司機的名字，隨后找到了登記在網(wǎng)上的他的電話號碼。等到返回紐約的時候，我的腦海中已經(jīng)略過了一百個不給他打電話的理由，但我必須打：他知道亞歷克斯經(jīng)歷了什么。電話鈴響到第六聲，他接起了電話。“喂，喂?”

“Please don’t hang up,” I said.

“請別掛斷，”我說。

I told him my name and explained that I wanted to know about an accident he was involved in back in 1999; two boys were crossing the street and I was the sister of the boy who lived.

我報上了自己的名字，跟他解釋說，我想知道與他在1999年卷入的一場事故有關(guān)的消息;當時有兩個男孩正在過馬路，我是活下來的那一個的妹妹。

“That choice was the hardest I ever made in my life,” he said.

“那是我一生中最艱難的選擇，”他說。

He told me that by the time he saw both boys in the road he was already too close. If he swerved onto the sidewalk, he would hit Alex; if he didn’t, he would hit Jonathan.

他告訴我，當他看到路中間有兩個男孩的時候，離得已經(jīng)太近了。如果他轉(zhuǎn)而開上人行道，他會撞到亞歷克斯;如果不那樣做，他會撞到喬納森。

“All I know is there were two boys in front of me,” he said. “I had to decide in that very moment, and it was so fast. I chose not to hit your brother that day. What kind of a choice is that?”

“我只知道眼前有兩個男孩，”他說。“我必須在那個時刻作出決定，一切都太快了。我那天選擇不撞向你哥哥。那是個什么樣的選擇啊。”

I pinched the place between my forefinger and thumb, a trick I’d picked up in college to keep from crying.

我掐了掐自己食指和拇指之間的地方，那是我上大時學會的防止哭出來的小竅門。

I said there were questions I wanted to ask but it was all right if he didn’t remember every detail; it was a long time ago.

我說我想問一些問題，不過如果他記不得太多細節(jié)也沒關(guān)系;畢竟已經(jīng)過去太長時間了。

“Not for me,” he said. “對我來說并沒有過去，”他說。

For three hours, he spoke about his pain, his frustrations with his family when they didn’t understand. About his lost jobs and addictions. About how he had never married or had children. Talking to him felt like the closest I could come to holding Alex’s hand again.

整整三個小時，他訴說著他的痛苦，以及得不到家人理解時的沮喪。他提到了他丟掉的工作和染上的這樣那樣的癮。提到了他如何從未結(jié)婚，從未育有子女。和他交談就仿佛是再度握住亞歷克斯的手。

I told him I wanted to find a way to take away my brother’s pain.

我告訴他我想要找到一種方法，驅(qū)散我哥哥的痛苦。

“You can’t,” he said. “But if you want to lessen it, you’ve got to listen.”

“你做不到，”他說。“不過如果你想要減輕他的痛苦，就得傾聽。”

“What if he won’t talk to me?”

“如果他不跟我談呢?”

“Ask again,” he said. “He’ll come around, and once those words start coming, you’ll realize that asking was the easy part. Listening is the hard part and that’s what you have to do.”

“那就再問，”他說。“他會改變態(tài)度的，一旦話匣子打開，你就會知道發(fā)問很簡單。傾聽才是最難的，也是你必須要做的。”

I hung up the phone but didn’t stop there. I tracked down the witnesses who testified in court, the on-scene paramedic, the emergency room doctor, and the nurse who sat with Jonathan’s mother at the hospital. And the more I heard, the more Alex’s story became defanged.

我掛了電話，但并未就此罷手。我開始查訪在法庭上做證的證人，事故現(xiàn)場的護理人員，急診室的醫(yī)生，以及在醫(yī)院里和喬納森的媽媽坐在一起的護士。我聽說的信息越多，亞歷克斯的故事就越是少了可怕意味。

A year after that first phone call, I met with my brother and told him about the people I had spoken to and what they had said, and his instinct was to confirm and correct each detail. That was my opening, and his. Later I was able to ask what no one in our family ever had: “Could you just start at the beginning and tell me everything?”

打出第一個電話的一年后，我和哥哥見了面，說起了與我交談過的那些人以及他們說過的話，他的第一反應就是確認和糾正每一個細節(jié)。那是我的第一步，也是他的第一步。后來，我終于能夠問出我們家的人從未問出口的問題：“你能把一切從頭跟我講一遍嗎?”

And he did.

他照做了。

When I see Alex today, at 33, I no longer see someone who is stuck in one memory. I see a father to two beautiful little boys and a committed partner to the woman he will one day marry. I see a man who works harder than anyone I know, waking up to go into the restaurant on holidays and weekends, because he no longer needs or wants the kind of help I offered before I learned that asking and listening are the most valuable of all.

如今，我看到33歲的亞歷克斯的時候，看到的不再是一個困在回憶里的人。我眼前的他是兩個可愛的小男孩的父親，是他有一天會迎娶的女子的忠誠伴侶。我眼前的他工作起來比我認識的其他任何人都更勤奮，假日和周末一起床，便會一頭扎進餐廳里，因為他不再需要也不想要我以前提供的那種幫助——那時候我不知道最可貴的幫助是發(fā)問和傾聽。