趣談美國(guó)總統(tǒng)：誰(shuí)的胡須最美？誰(shuí)的酒癮比較大？

So Presidents Day has come and gone, along with the whining over C-SPAN’s latest ranking of American presidents, which predictably put Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Franklin Delano Roosevelt on top (yawn); demoted the beleaguered Andrew Jackson and Woodrow Wilson; and positioned Barack Obama, in his post-presidential debut, at No. 12.

總統(tǒng)日(Presidents Day)來(lái)了又去，與之相伴的是C-SPAN電視臺(tái)最新發(fā)布的美國(guó)總統(tǒng)排行榜引發(fā)的不忿之聲。亞伯拉罕·林肯(Abraham Lincoln)、喬治·華盛頓(George Washington)、富蘭克林·德拉諾·羅斯福(Franklin Delano Roosevelt)不出意外地位列前三甲(無(wú)聊);飽受非議的安德魯·杰克遜(Andrew Jackson)和伍德羅·威爾遜(Andrew Jackson)排名下滑;卸任后首次上榜的貝拉克·奧巴馬(Barack Obama)則排在第12位。

Such lists are a fun parlor game, if one that tends to provoke weary sighs from scholars, including some of the 91 who participated in the poll. “It’s not a thing that lends itself easily to quantification,” said one of them, David Greenberg, a historian at Rutgers University (and author of books about Richard Nixon and Calvin Coolidge). “But still we play along.”

這類(lèi)名單就像有趣的室內(nèi)游戲，不過(guò)很有可能引得學(xué)者們發(fā)出無(wú)奈的嘆息，包括參與這次調(diào)查的91名學(xué)者中的一部分。“這可不是那種易于量化的東西，”這些人中的一員、羅格斯大學(xué)(Rutgers University)歷史學(xué)者大衛(wèi)·格林伯格(David Greenberg，著有關(guān)于理查德·尼克松[Richard Nixon]和卡爾文·庫(kù)利奇[Calvin Coolidge]的書(shū)籍)。“但我們?nèi)匀粫?huì)一起玩玩這個(gè)。”

Our attachment to these rankings, Greenberg said, reflects something real. “The president is a singularly important symbolic figure in our national culture,” he said. “Because the head of government is also head of state, the president just becomes this vehicle for emotional attachment that might otherwise go to a king.”

格林伯格說(shuō)，我們對(duì)這些排名的迷戀反映了某種現(xiàn)實(shí)。“在我們國(guó)家的文化中，總統(tǒng)是獨(dú)一無(wú)二的象征性人物，”他說(shuō)。“因?yàn)檎念I(lǐng)袖同時(shí)也是國(guó)家的領(lǐng)袖，總統(tǒng)變成了一種寄托情感的載體，這一角色或許本來(lái)會(huì)由國(guó)王扮演。”

Street-Fighting Men

街頭戰(zhàn)士

Politics ain’t bean bag, so when things get really tough, don’t you want a blade-wielding maniac in your corner? That’s the premise behind a classic blog post “In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?”

政治并非兒戲，當(dāng)事情變得尤其棘手的時(shí)候，你難道不希望自己這邊有一個(gè)舞刀弄?jiǎng)Φ暮萑藛?經(jīng)典博文《至死方休的美國(guó)總統(tǒng)大亂戰(zhàn)，誰(shuí)會(huì)勝出，又緣何勝出?》便是以此為前提。

The post, written in 2009 by a Canadian named Geoff Micks, started as a comment in a Reddit forum, but quickly outgrew that site’s length limit. He has updated it a few times, including this year, when Vice asked him to collaborate on an animated version, which brings Donald J. Trump into the fray.

這篇博文由加拿大人杰夫·米克斯(Geoff Micks)在2009年寫(xiě)就，本來(lái)只是Reddit論壇里的一篇評(píng)論，但其長(zhǎng)度很快就超出了該網(wǎng)站的長(zhǎng)度限制。他已經(jīng)進(jìn)行了好幾次更新，包括今年的這次——他今年應(yīng)Vice新聞之邀參與打造一個(gè)動(dòng)畫(huà)版本，把唐納德·J·特朗普(Donald J. Trump)也納入了戰(zhàn)局。

“I really wrote it as a joke,” Micks, an industry conference planner in Toronto, said in a telephone interview. “But then it really took on a life of its own.”

“我當(dāng)初真的是寫(xiě)著玩的，”在多倫多做行業(yè)會(huì)議策劃師的米克斯接受電話(huà)采訪(fǎng)時(shí)說(shuō)。“但隨后它其實(shí)有了自己的生命。”

Micks’ bet is on Theodore Roosevelt, imperialist brawler and butcher of many animals. (Also, he writes, “anyone who gets shot at the start of a long speech and delivers the whole thing anyway,” as Roosevelt did in 1912, “has the tenacity to endure more than a few knife wounds if he thinks he’s right and everyone else is wrong.”) But he wouldn’t count out other members of the “Holy Trinity”: Jackson — a likely “murder machine” — and Lincoln, a “big guy who knew how to wrestle.” Besides, “who wants to be the guy to stab Honest Abe?”

米克斯看好西奧多·羅斯福(Theodore Roosevelt)，一名信奉帝國(guó)主義的斗毆者，同時(shí)也是讓很多動(dòng)物命喪黃泉的屠夫。(而且，他寫(xiě)道，“任何一個(gè)剛開(kāi)始發(fā)表冗長(zhǎng)演講便挨了槍子，但無(wú)論如何都會(huì)把要說(shuō)的話(huà)全說(shuō)完的人，”就像1912年的羅斯福那樣，“即便滿(mǎn)身都是刀傷也可以強(qiáng)挺著捱過(guò)去，只要他認(rèn)為自己是正確的，而其他人都錯(cuò)了。”)但他不愿把“三巨頭”的其他兩人排除在外：杰克遜——頗有希望成為“謀殺機(jī)器”的家伙;以及林肯——“一個(gè)知道如何格斗的大塊頭。”再說(shuō)了，“誰(shuí)會(huì)想要成為那個(gè)捅‘誠(chéng)實(shí)的亞伯’(Honest Abe)一刀的人?”

Tippecanoe and Mutton Chops Too

蒂珀卡努和絡(luò)腮胡

Here’s something they don’t teach you in school: Only 12 American presidents have had beards, mustaches or other notable facial manscaping. If you don’t believe me, believe Wikipedia, which devotes a page to the subject. Or better yet check out GQ’s “Official Power Ranking of American Presidential Facial Hair.

有些東西在學(xué)校里是學(xué)不到的：只有12名美國(guó)總統(tǒng)留有絡(luò)腮胡、小胡子或者其他經(jīng)過(guò)修剪且引人注目的面部毛發(fā)。你可能不信我，但總要信維基百科(Wikipedia)吧，它專(zhuān)門(mén)用一頁(yè)的篇幅講了這件事。你也可以去看《GQ》的“美國(guó)總統(tǒng)面部毛發(fā)官方實(shí)力排行榜”。

Lincoln is there, of course, though his “strictly chin-beard situation” keeps him in the middling ranks. So are Chester A. Arthur, hailed by GQ for “that absurdity going on on his jaw,” and Martin Van Buren, whose prodigious mutton chops — more of a side Mohawk, actually — made him “the Bernie Sanders of the 1800s.”

林肯當(dāng)然位列其中，盡管“一絲不茍的山羊胡”只能讓他居于中游。還有切斯特·A·阿瑟(Chester A Arthur)——他靠著“下顎處的一團(tuán)亂麻”贏得了《GQ》的稱(chēng)贊;以及馬丁·范布倫(Martin Van Buren)，他那大片的絡(luò)腮胡——其實(shí)很像莫霍克發(fā)型挪到了兩側(cè)——讓他成為了“1800年代的伯尼·桑德斯(Bernie Sanders)”。

But GQ’s top marks go to Ulysses S. Grant: “Well-trimmed, yet not overly manicured, jawline? Check. Smattering of gray hairs, alluding to years spent on the battlefield reuniting a nation? Check. Slight hair wave, for added effect? Check.”

但在《GQ》的榜單上獨(dú)占鰲頭的是尤利塞斯·辛普森·格蘭特(Ulysses Simpson Grant)：“下頜輪廓經(jīng)過(guò)精心打理但卻不會(huì)顯得過(guò)于刻意?沒(méi)錯(cuò)。美髯泛起銀霜，讓人聯(lián)想起他曾為美國(guó)的統(tǒng)一而征戰(zhàn)多年?沒(méi)錯(cuò)。胡須略有波浪，更具額外效果?沒(méi)錯(cuò)。”

Drunk History?

酗酒史?

Trump has said he never drinks. How history will judge him for his abstinence remains to be seen, but until then, there are 43 other imbibers-in-chief to ponder. Which is exactly what the website VinePair has done.

特朗普說(shuō)他從不喝酒。史料將如何評(píng)價(jià)他的這種節(jié)制目前尚不得而知，但在那之前先得對(duì)另外43位“貪杯總司令”詳加考察。VinePair網(wǎng)站就這樣做了。

The list puts Franklin Roosevelt on top, for repealing Prohibition (duh). Wilson is No. 2 — not because he vetoed the Volstead Act, but because he rode into office in 1912 on a campaign song borrowed from an insidiously infectious whiskey jingle. (And you thought “Fight Song” was bad.)

富蘭克林·羅斯福在其榜單上名列第一，因?yàn)樗麖U除了禁酒令(切)。威爾遜排名第二——不是因?yàn)樗駴Q了《沃爾斯特德法案》(Volstead Act)，而是因?yàn)樗?912年的總統(tǒng)選舉中使用的競(jìng)選歌曲改編自一首會(huì)讓人不知不覺(jué)中招的威士忌廣告歌。(而你曾經(jīng)以為《戰(zhàn)斗之歌》[Fight Song]很糟糕。)

Obama, the sometime beer-summitteer, is at No. 5, thanks to his penchant for serving a special honey ale, fortified with nectar from the White House beehives, while the wily Lyndon B. Johnson is cited for liking his drink weaker than everyone else’s, to better outwit them. Rutherford B. Hayes is dead last, thanks to his habit of serving guests punch with rum flavoring instead of the real stuff.

有時(shí)會(huì)舉辦“啤酒峰會(huì)”的奧巴馬排在第五位——因?yàn)樗矚g為客人奉上一種特別的蜂蜜啤酒，里邊摻有白宮自產(chǎn)的蜂蜜。狡猾的林登·B·約翰遜(Lyndon B. Johnson)上榜的原因則是，他喜歡讓自己的酒比別人的都淡，以便更好地以智取勝。拉瑟福德·B·海斯(Rutherford B. Hayes)排名墊底，因?yàn)樗?xí)慣于拿以蘭姆酒口味的調(diào)味劑炮制的雞尾酒招待客人，而不是給他們加上真東西。

Hayes was apparently deferring to his teetotaling wife, but what was Richard Nixon’s excuse? Nixon, a near-Jeffersonian oenophile, reportedly “hoarded $700 bottles of vino for himself and served cheap red to the guests.”

海斯似乎是在表達(dá)對(duì)他那滴酒不沾的妻子的尊重，但理查德·尼克松(Richard Nixon)又是怎么回事呢?據(jù)報(bào)道，作為一個(gè)幾乎可以比肩杰弗遜的嗜酒者，他“為自己囤積的是每瓶?jī)r(jià)值700美元的佳釀，卻用便宜的紅葡萄酒招待客人。”

Sheer Badness

純粹的惡

The day after the inauguration of Trump, millions of anxious Americans poured into the streets to protest what they saw as his incompetence and nefariousness. But Jeremy Derfner, a former doctoral candidate in history and freelance writer in Seattle, got cracking on something more productive: creating a website called Crummy Presidents. (OK, it’s actually called something stronger, but we must have respect for the office.)

特朗普就職次日，大批焦慮的美國(guó)人涌上街頭參加抗議活動(dòng)，因?yàn)樵谒麄冄壑兴葻o(wú)能又邪惡。但前歷史學(xué)博士候選人、在西雅圖做自由撰稿人的杰里米·德?tīng)柗蚣{(Jeremy Derfner)做了件更有成效的事情：創(chuàng)辦了一個(gè)名叫“瘋狂總統(tǒng)” (Crummy Presidents)的網(wǎng)站。(好吧，它的名字其實(shí)更辣眼睛一些，但我們必須對(duì)這一職務(wù)表示出尊重)。

The idea is to write one entry a week, covering all the presidents, focusing on parallels between Trump’s missteps and outrages, as Derfner sees it, and those of his predecessors. “Presidents stink,” Derfner said in a telephone interview, again using a saltier term. “It’s this unique office that people come into with no experience by definition doing it. What I’m finding out is that almost all of them are terrible at the start.”

其構(gòu)想是，每周寫(xiě)一篇帖子，把所有總統(tǒng)都寫(xiě)個(gè)遍，重點(diǎn)是找出德?tīng)柗蚣{眼中的特朗普的失誤和惡行，與此前歷任總統(tǒng)的失誤和惡行有哪些相似之處。“總統(tǒng)們令人生厭，”德?tīng)柗蚣{接受電話(huà)采訪(fǎng)時(shí)其實(shí)使用了一個(gè)更為尖刻的說(shuō)法。“這是一個(gè)獨(dú)一無(wú)二的職務(wù)，人們上任時(shí)通常沒(méi)有任何這方面的經(jīng)驗(yàn)。我發(fā)現(xiàn)，幾乎是他們所有人一開(kāi)始都很糟糕。”

The first entry was for Grover Cleveland, whose taste for “tuzzy-muzzy” or “crinkum crankum,” as the Victorians put it, makes Trump’s locker-room talk look tame. (Cleveland “is lucky they hadn’t invented the hot mic in 1884,” Derfner writes.) The anti-immigrant Coolidge is chided for trying “to flash-freeze the ethnic composition of the country,” while the sainted Dwight Eisenhower (No. 5 per C-SPAN) is described as presiding over the moment “when our health system learned its neat trick of costing twice as much to give care that’s half as good.”

第一篇帖子寫(xiě)的是格羅弗·克利夫蘭(Grover Cleveland)，他對(duì)“花環(huán)”或如維多利亞時(shí)代的人們所言的“盤(pán)曲有趣之物”的愛(ài)好————讓特朗普的更衣室談話(huà)顯得平淡無(wú)奇。(克利夫蘭“很幸運(yùn)，因?yàn)樗麄冊(cè)?884年還沒(méi)有搞出開(kāi)著的話(huà)筒”，德?tīng)柗蚣{寫(xiě)道。)反移民的柯立芝(Coolidge)因?yàn)樵噲D“迅速固化這個(gè)國(guó)家的種族構(gòu)成”而遭到指責(zé)。德高望重的德懷特·艾森豪威爾(Dwight Eisenhower，在C-SPAN的榜單上排名第五)，則被指一手造就了這樣一個(gè)時(shí)代：“我們的醫(yī)療保健體系學(xué)會(huì)了花兩倍的錢(qián)，提供只有原來(lái)一半好的醫(yī)療服務(wù)的花招。”

Derfner is looking forward to lighting into some real baddies, like Andrew Johnson (second to last in the C-SPAN rankings), who in addition to bungling the aftermath of the Civil War held a disastrous round of rallies, called the Swing Around the Square, that helped lead to his impeachment. “He was drunk half the time, and a raving lunatic,” he said.

德?tīng)柗蚣{期待痛批某些真正的壞家伙，比如安德魯·約翰遜(Andrew Johnson，在C-SPAN的榜單上排名倒數(shù)第二)，除了沒(méi)能做好南北戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)善后工作，還搞了一波災(zāi)難性的集會(huì)活動(dòng)，名為“巡回政治演講”(Swing Around the Square)，這是導(dǎo)致其遭到彈劾的一個(gè)因素。“他有一半的時(shí)間都醉醺醺的，是個(gè)狂熱的瘋子，”他說(shuō)。

Derfner said he wasn’t looking forward to finding mean things to say about George Washington. But the real challenge may be the mere mediocrities. “I mean, what did Millard Fillmore even do?” he said. “I’m going to have to do a lot of research.”

德?tīng)柗蚣{說(shuō)自己并未盼著揭喬治·華盛頓的短處、說(shuō)他的壞話(huà)。真正的挑戰(zhàn)或許在于那些較為平庸的總統(tǒng)。“我的意思是，米勒德·菲爾莫爾(Millard Fillmore)到底做過(guò)什么?”他說(shuō)。“我必須得做大量研究工作。”