說“對不起”的正確方式

Most people say “I’m sorry” many times a day for a host of trivial affronts — accidentally bumping into someone or failing to hold open a door. These apologies are easy and usually readily accepted, often with a response like, “No problem.”

大多數(shù)人每天都要為各種微不足道的冒犯說許多次“對不起”——無意間撞到某人，或沒能扶一下門。這些道歉容易做到，通常也易于接受，往往會得到“沒關(guān)系”之類的回應。

But when “I’m sorry” are the words needed to right truly hurtful words, acts or inaction, they can be the hardest ones to utter. And even when an apology is offered with the best of intentions, it can be seriously undermined by the way in which it is worded. Instead of eradicating the emotional pain the affront caused, a poorly worded apology can result in lasting anger and antagonism, and undermine an important relationship.

但是當“對不起”是為了彌補真的很傷人的話語、行動或不作為時，會很難說出口。而且即便你是本著最大的善意進行道歉，也有可能因為措辭不當而嚴重走偏。措辭不當?shù)牡狼覆坏荒芟暗拿胺冈斐傻母星閭?，反倒會帶來持久的憤怒與敵意，破壞一段重要的關(guān)系。

I admit to a lifetime of challenges when it comes to apologizing, especially when I thought I was right or misunderstood or that the offended party was being overly sensitive. But I recently discovered that the need for an apology is less about me than the person who, for whatever reason, is offended by something I said or did or failed to do, regardless of my intentions.

我認為道歉是人生最大的挑戰(zhàn)，尤其是在我認為自己是對的、被誤解了，或覺得被冒犯的一方過于敏感時。但我最近發(fā)現(xiàn)，道歉更多的是出于被我說的話、做的事或沒能做的事傷害的人的需要——不管因為什么原因，也不管我是不是有意——而不是我的需要。

I also learned that a sincere apology can be powerful medicine with surprising value for the giver as well as the recipient.

我也明白了，真誠的道歉可以是療效強大的藥物，不論對給予者還是接受者而言，都有驚人的價值。

After learning that a neighbor who had assaulted me verbally was furious about an oversight I had not known I committed, I wrote a letter in hopes of defusing the hostility. Without offering any excuses, I apologized for my lapse in etiquette and respect. I said I was not asking for or expecting forgiveness, merely that I hoped we could have a civil, if not friendly, relationship going forward, then delivered the letter with a jar of my homemade jam.

在得知一位曾對我出言不遜的鄰居對我無意中的疏忽感到十分憤怒時，我寫了一封信，希望化解敵意。我沒找任何借口，帶著禮貌和尊重為自己的過失道歉。我說我不是請求或期待原諒，只是希望我們以后能擁有和平甚至友好的鄰里關(guān)系，然后我?guī)е还拮灾乒u把這封信送了過去。

Expecting nothing in return, I was greatly relieved when my doorbell rang and the neighbor thanked me warmly for what I had said and done. My relief was palpable. I felt as if I’d not only discarded an enemy but made a new friend, which is indeed how it played out in the days that followed.

我完全沒想到會有任何回報，所以當門鈴響起，那位鄰居熱情地感謝我的所說、所做時，我非常欣慰。我的欣慰非常明顯。我覺得自己不僅減少了一個敵人，而且新交了一個朋友，在之后的日子里，事情的確是這樣發(fā)展的。

About a week later I learned that, according to the psychologist and author Harriet Lerner, the wording of my apology was just what the “doctor” would have ordered. In the very first chapter of her new book, “Why Won’t You Apologize?” Lerner points out that apologies followed by rationalizations are “never satisfying” and can even be harmful.

大約一周后，我得知，據(jù)心理學家兼作家哈麗雅特·勒納(Harriet Lerner)說，我道歉的措辭正是這位“醫(yī)生”本來會開的處方。她在新書《你為什么不想道歉》(Why Won’t You Apologize?)的第一章指出，含有解釋自己行為合理性的道歉“絕不會令人滿意”，甚至可能帶來傷害。

“When ‘but’ is tagged on to an apology,” she wrote, it’s an excuse that counters the sincerity of the original message. The best apologies are short and don’t include explanations that can undo them.

她寫道，“當?shù)狼笌в?lsquo;但是’時”，它是一種借口，會抵銷道歉的誠意。最好的道歉是簡短的，不包含可能抵銷歉意的解釋。

Nor should a request for forgiveness be part of an apology. The offended party may accept a sincere apology but still be unready to forgive the transgression. Forgiveness, should it come, may depend on a demonstration going forward that the offense will not be repeated.

要求原諒也不應該是道歉的一部分。被冒犯的一方可能接受真誠的道歉，但還沒準備好原諒那種過失行為。原諒——如果它最終會出現(xiàn)的話——可能取決于表明這種冒犯不會再出現(xiàn)。

“It’s not our place to tell anyone to forgive or not to forgive,” Lerner said in an interview. She disputes popular thinking that failing to forgive is bad for one’s health and can lead to a life mired in bitterness and hate.

“我們不能要求任何人原諒或不原諒，”勒納在接受采訪時表示。她不贊同不原諒的態(tài)度對健康無益，可能導致終生陷入痛苦和仇恨的流行看法。

“There is no one path to healing,” she said. “There are many roads to letting go of corrosive emotions without forgiving, like therapy, meditation, medication, even swimming.”

“通往治愈的道路不止一條，”她說，“有很多方法可以在不原諒的情況下釋放有害的情緒，比如心理治療、冥思、服用藥物，甚至游泳。”

As to why many people find it hard to offer a sincere, unfettered apology, Lerner pointed out that “humans are hard-wired for defensiveness. It’s very difficult to take direct, unequivocal responsibility for our hurtful actions. It takes a great deal of maturity to put a relationship or another person before our need to be right.”

至于為什么很多人難以滿懷真誠、毫不拘謹?shù)叵蛉说狼?，勒納指出，“人類固有的防御性很難改變。要對自己的傷害行為負起直接、明確的責任是很困難的。我們需要感覺自己是對的，把一段關(guān)系或另一個人擺在這種需要之上，只有非常成熟才能做到。”

Offering an apology is an admission of guilt that admittedly leaves people vulnerable. There’s no guarantee as to how it will be received. It is the prerogative of the injured party to reject an apology, even when sincerely offered. The person may feel the offense was so enormous — for example, having been sexually abused by a parent — that it is impossible to accept a mea culpa offered by the abusive parent years later.

道歉就是承認自己的過錯，這當然會使人處于脆弱的境地。沒有人能保證自己的道歉一定能被對方接受。拒絕道歉是受害者的天賦權(quán)利，即便這道歉是真誠的。受害者可能覺得這個侵犯實在太大——比如被父母中的一方性侵的孩子不可能多年后聽了性侵者一句“是我的錯”就算了。

Righting a perceived wrong can be especially challenging when it involves family members, who may be inclined to cite history — he was abused by his father, or she was raised by a distant mother — as an excuse for hurtful behavior. “History can be used as an explanation, not an excuse,” the psychologist said. “It should involve a conversation that allows the hurt party to express anger and pain if an apology, however sincere, is to heal a broken connection.”

當涉及到家庭成員時，要糾正一個已經(jīng)被認定的錯誤可能更加具有挑戰(zhàn)性，因為家庭成員可能傾向于引用過去的歷史來為傷害行為找借口——他曾經(jīng)被父親虐待過，或者她的母親對她很疏遠。“歷史可以用來提供解釋，而不是成為借口，”這位心理學家說。“如果道歉是為了治愈一段破碎的關(guān)系，不管它有多么真誠，都應該進行一次談話，允許受傷害的一方表達憤怒和痛苦。”

As she wrote: “Nondefensive listening (to the hurt party) is at the heart of offering a sincere apology.” She urges the listener not to “interrupt, argue, refute, or correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints.” Even when the offended party is largely at fault, she suggests apologizing for one’s own part in the incident, however small it may be.

正如她所寫道的：“不帶防御性的傾聽是(向受害方)提供真誠道歉的核心。”她敦促傾聽者不要“打斷、爭辯、反駁或糾正事實，又或是提出你自己的批評和抱怨。”即使被冒犯的一方多半是錯的，她也建議為自己在事件中做錯的部分而道歉，不管自己的錯誤有多小。

Lerner views apology as “central to health, both physical and emotional. ‘I’m sorry’ are the two most healing words in the English language,” she said. “The courage to apologize wisely and well is not just a gift to the injured person, who can then feel soothed and released from obsessive recriminations, bitterness and corrosive anger. It’s also a gift to one’s own health, bestowing self-respect, integrity and maturity — an ability to take a cleareyed look at how our behavior affects others and to assume responsibility for acting at another person’s expense.”

勒納認為道歉是“身心健康的核心。‘我很抱歉’是英語中最有治愈效果的幾個字，”她說。“明智而巧妙地道歉的勇氣，是送給受傷害者的一份禮物，可以令他感到安慰，令他從難以釋懷的相互指責、痛苦和侵蝕人心的憤怒中擺脫出來;不僅如此，這也是送給自身健康的一份禮物，為自己帶來自尊、誠實與成熟——道歉是一種能力，讓你可以清楚地看到自己的行為如何影響他人，并為自己的行動令他人所付出的代價而承擔責任。”