對陌生人說出“逆耳忠言”

You go to a formal dinner party. You talk to the person on one side during the starter, the other during the main course. Sometimes the conversation skips along, more often it drags and falters. You enjoy or endure the evening, and then you go home.

你參加一個正式晚宴。你在吃前菜期間與坐在你一邊的人聊天，在吃主菜的時候與坐在你另一邊的人聊天。有時談話相當投機，更多時候則是拖泥帶水，話說不到一起去。你享受(或者忍受)了一個晚上，然后你回家了。

That is, unless you are Robert Hiscox. The founder of the eponymous insurance company told me some years ago that at the end of a dinner party he turned to the people on either side and offered feedback on how he had found their conversation. He would say: “I enjoyed hearing your views on the EU, but you might have asked me about mine.” Or: “It was interesting to learn about how well your child did in his A-levels, but you seemed reluctant to discuss other topics.”

一般是這樣的——除非你是羅伯特•希斯考克斯(Robert Hiscox)。用自己的姓氏創(chuàng)辦保險公司的他在幾年前告訴我，在晚宴結(jié)束的時候，他會轉(zhuǎn)向坐在他某一邊的人，針對他對與他們聊天的感覺給予反饋。他會說：“我樂于聽到您對歐盟(EU)的看法，但您或許也該問問我對歐盟有什么看法。”或者：“了解您的孩子在高中水平考試(A-Levels)中成績優(yōu)異很有意思，但您似乎不太情愿談論其他話題。”

At the time I was shocked. How could he be so rude? Mr Hiscox assured me that conversing at formal dinners is a skill; it is hard to get better at anything if no one tells you where you are going wrong. I protested that there was far too much feedback in the world anyway. Sometimes it was nice to be left alone to muddle through.

當時我就震驚了。他怎能如此粗魯?希斯考克斯向我保證，在正式晚宴上交談是一種技能;任何事情，如果沒人指點你你在哪里出了錯，你很難加以改進。我抗議道，無論如何這個世界已經(jīng)有太多反饋意見。在不受打擾的情況下應付過去有時也不錯。

Two things have made me change my mind. The first is in the years since then I have been to too many dinners and sat next to too many people who were not trying hard enough. The second is the realisation that although there is too much useless general feedback (no, I don’t want to rate my experience in security at Heathrow Terminal 5) there is almost no specific feedback that helps us improve.

兩件事改變了我的看法。第一件事是，在那之后的多年間，我參加了太多晚宴，坐在太多不夠盡力的人旁邊。第二件事是，我意識到，雖然有太多無用的籠統(tǒng)反饋(不，我不想評價我在希斯羅機場5號航站樓的安檢體驗)，但幾乎沒有能夠幫助我們改進的具體反饋。

Not long ago I got an email from a man who had been in the audience of a speech I had just given. “You really need to sort that hair/reading glasses challenge,” he wrote. “Every time you put your reading glasses on, your hair falls over your left eye and you then keep having to flick it out of the way — it looks most amusing, but must be awkward!! As a regular presenter, I always like to get feedback. Hope you don’t mind me pointing it out!”

不久前，我收到了一封郵件，我在那之前剛剛發(fā)表了一次演講，郵件是一名觀眾發(fā)給我的。“你真的需要搞定頭發(fā)/老花鏡的挑戰(zhàn)，”他寫道，“每次當你戴上老花鏡，你的頭發(fā)就會遮住你的左眼，然后你就會不停地把頭發(fā)撩開——這看起來極其好笑，但肯定很尷尬!!作為一個定期發(fā)表演講的人，我總是喜歡得到反饋。希望你不介意我把這一點指出來!”

I did mind his pointing it out. Unlike him, I never like to get feedback, unless it is entirely positive. And in any case, how dare he? I never asked for his views. And if he thought a few exclamation marks would make his message more agreeable, he was making a grave error.

我的確介意。和他不一樣，我從不喜歡得到反饋，除非這些反饋是完全正面的。再說無論如何，他怎么敢這樣?我從未請求他給出意見。如果他覺得幾個感嘆號會讓他的郵件更容易被接受，那么他就犯了一個嚴重的錯誤。

Yet his words struck home. It was not nice to think the audience’s merriment had been mainly on account of my hair. So for the next few speeches I printed out any notes in 24 point so I could read them without glasses, and have now cut my hair so short there is no further danger of flicking.

然而他的話對我觸動很大。想到我的頭發(fā)讓觀眾不舒服，這使我郁悶。所以接下來的幾次演講，我都用24號字體尺寸把要點打印出來，這樣我不需要眼鏡也能閱讀，我現(xiàn)在還把我的頭發(fā)剪得很短，徹底消除需要撩開的危險。

On reflection, this man’s feedback was close to perfection. It was direct but not rude. It was clear about what was wrong — which was something fixable. It came from a disinterested source and was delivered by email — so saved my blushes.

細想之下，這個人給我的反饋接近完美。直接，但不粗魯。明確地指出哪里不對勁——而這個問題是可以搞定的。這個反饋來自非利益相關方，并且是用郵件發(fā)過來的——免去了我在人前面紅耳赤。

Last week, another piece of unsolicited feedback landed in my inbox. This time it was from someone who was thanking me for talking at a conference he had organised. After a gracious start, the email finished like this: “I always try to end with a tip for improvement. It was a little complicated to get in touch, confirm your travel plans, and do the arrangements. Can I suggest you get an assistant?”

上周，另一份“不請自來”的反饋發(fā)到了我的收件箱。這次郵件來自一個想要感謝我在他組織的會議上發(fā)言的人。在禮貌的開頭后，這封郵件是這樣結(jié)尾的：“我總是試著用一個改進的小建議結(jié)尾。與你聯(lián)絡上、確定你的旅行計劃，做好安排有點復雜。我能建議你找個助理嗎?”

This was also good in that it was clear — only rather harder to fix than the hair as assistants do not come cheap. Still, it told me that my habit of ignoring admin emails is not on. I have heeded the point and will try to sharpen up.

這個反饋也不錯，因為很明晰——只不過要比頭發(fā)問題更難改正，因為雇個助理可不便宜。不過，這告訴我，我無視事務性郵件的習慣不太好。我留意到了這一點，并且將努力改進。

The test of unsolicited feedback is not whether it is rude or unwelcome, but whether it serves the greater good. I no longer flick my hair, and am committed to replying more promptly: the world is a happier place.

檢驗不請自來的反饋的標準，不是這個反饋是否粗魯或者不受歡迎，而是它是否服務于更大的善。我不再撩我的頭發(fā)，也努力做到更迅速地回復郵件：這個世界更美好了。

Soon after my lunch with Mr Hiscox I was sat at a dinner next to a well-known snooty broadcaster. Throughout the meal I tried hard to be agreeable; he sat there taciturn, looking catatonic and mildly incredulous as I plied him with question and anecdote.

在我與希斯考克斯共進午餐之后不久，我在一次晚宴上坐在一位著名的目中無人的主持人旁邊。在用餐期間，我努力做到友好可親;他卻坐在那里一言不發(fā)，在我向他拋出一大堆問題和軼事的時候看起來緊張和略微有些狐疑。

At the end of the evening I longed to offer him a report card, but bottled. I have regretted it ever since: I bet if I had explained his poor performance he would have been first shocked, then mortified. I dare say he would have liked me (even) less, but might have tried harder in future. Next time, I’m going for it.

晚宴結(jié)束時，我很想給他一張成績單，但終于沒能鼓起勇氣。此后我一直為此后悔：我敢打賭，如果我向他解釋他表現(xiàn)糟糕，他首先會震驚，然后感到難堪。我敢說，他之后會(更)不喜歡我了，但可能會在未來更加努力。下次我一定要試一試。