我不知道抑郁的感覺，但我知道它的形狀

抑郁癥(Depression)是躁狂抑郁癥的一種發(fā)作形式。以情感低落、思維遲緩、以及言語動作減少、遲緩為典型癥狀。抑郁癥嚴重困擾患者的生活和工作，給家庭和社會帶來沉重的負擔，約15%的抑郁癥患者死于自殺。

世界衛(wèi)生組織、世界銀行和哈佛大學的一項聯(lián)合研究表明，抑郁癥已經(jīng)成為中國疾病負擔的第二大病病。引起抑郁癥的因素包括：遺傳因素、體質(zhì)因素、中樞神經(jīng)介質(zhì)的功能及代謝異常、精神因素等。

(漫畫：抑郁的狀態(tài))

“抑郁癥”在當今社會人們對之已經(jīng)耳熟能詳，可是我們聽說過，我們了解過，就真的懂得抑郁是一種什么樣的感受了嗎?

在Quora(相當于國內(nèi)知乎)有人提問，得了抑郁癥是一種什么樣的感受?這是下面得贊最多的一個回答。

@Ellen Vrana

I cannot describe what it feels like. But I can tell you what it looks like.

我描述不出來得了抑郁癥是什么感覺，但我卻知道它的形狀。

There is a lint ball, under our hallway chest, right next to where the lamp is plugged into the wall.It moves slightly from a miniscule breeze I cannot feel. It has a hair in it, long, mine. Hmm, nowit moves back under the chest and behind the leg. And then out again. It’s very active, this lintball.

在我家走廊柜子的下面有一個線球，就在壁燈的右邊。一陣微風吹來，我感覺不到，線球卻開始輕微地移動，上面還有一根我的長發(fā)。線球又回到了柜子的下面，就在桌腿的后面。進進出出，反反復(fù)復(fù)，真是一個好動的線球。

Why do I know this? Because I’m lying on the floor. On our 2nd floor landing at the top of thestairs. My head is pressed against the wood floor, my body might be on the carpet, not sure. Ididn’t plan to lie here, I just got overwhelmed in sadness and this is where I came.

我怎么知道這些的呢?因為我就躺在地板上，躺在我家2樓的地板上，樓梯的最上面。我的腦袋貼在木地板上，身體或許在地毯上，我不是很確定。我沒打算躺在這的，只是突然間悲傷一股腦兒的涌了上來，然后我就躺在這了。

All depressions are different, this is what mine looks like.

所有抑郁都是不同的，這是我抑郁時的模樣。

To cry. To grieve for nothing and everything. At first images that flash through my head. Imagesof sadness, other people crying, faces of people I’ve lost.

哭，沒來由的悲傷，什么都令我難過。一幕幕場景都從腦海里閃過，悲傷的畫面、人們哭泣的畫面、所失之人的臉龐。

Then words come, phrases. I don't see them, I hear them in my head. Things like “I can’t do this,why am I alone, I don’t have any one to talk to, I cannot do this anymore.” That kind of thing. Icry them outloud, too.

不斷有字眼出現(xiàn)，我看不到它們，卻能聽到它們在我腦子里不斷的叫囂。“我做不到，為什么我這么孤獨，我找不到人傾訴，我再也受不了了，”諸如此類的聲音不斷回響在腦海，我只能哭。

And then, there are moments of joy. Being free. Not being this person or in this body. And then Ithink of my husband and how closely I’m connected to him.

突然，腦海里閃過那些快樂的時刻。我是自由的，我不再困在這副軀殼之中。我想到了我的丈夫，想到我們?nèi)绱擞H密。

Then the tears stop. Just like that, stop. But I’m not ready to get up. I want to lay here, forever. I normally choose the floor, or corners, to go into when I am depressed. There is something aboutthe heavy smoothness of our floors that pull me to them. We have area rugs so sometimes I’ll goon one and curl up. It feels safe, like an island on the floor. These places make me feel safe,protected.

然后，眼淚就止住了，就像關(guān)掉水龍頭那樣，止住了。但我依然不打算起來，我想永遠都躺在這里。在我感到抑郁的時候，我經(jīng)常選擇躺在地板或墻角處，它們好像有什么神奇的魔力把我黏在那里。我經(jīng)常躺在地板上的小地毯上，蜷起身子，這讓我有安全感，我仿佛是地板上的一座孤島。這些地方讓我有安全感，讓我有種受保護的感覺。

Now I’m lying here, on this floor, I’m not looking at anything in particular, and not feelinganything. Just deliriously exhausted, like I’ve been up for days. This is the state I will stay in,empty, just not caring. Days, weeks. I usually drop out of sight, don’t return emails, or seepeople. I crave alcohol (but don’t have it because that makes it worse). Mostly, I can’t take care ofmyself. I will exist on croutons and salad dressing because I cannot leave the house. It’s ok, I’mnot hungry.

現(xiàn)在我就躺在這塊地板上，眼神渙散、身體麻木、疲憊不堪，像是熬了幾天夜似的。這將是我未來幾天或幾周安身的地方，空虛、冷漠。我經(jīng)常從人們的視野中消失，不回郵件，不見任何人。我很想酗酒(但我不會，這會讓情況更糟糕)。大多時候我都無法照顧好自己，我以面包丁和沙拉為食，因為我無法離開屋子。不過沒關(guān)系，我不餓。

It could last a day, a few days, or weeks. I’m completely useless, not thinking, not feeling, justbreathing and sleeping. But every once in a while I’ll start to feel again, and it quickly overwhelmsme, and then I’ll seek out the floor. Or a corner.

這種狀態(tài)會持續(xù)一天、或幾天，甚至是幾周。什么也不做，什么也不想，什么也感覺不到，活著就剩下呼吸和睡覺，但我總是會回過神來。但是這種抑郁的狀態(tài)會再一次席卷我，然后我就再找一塊地板、一個角落。

This is the cycle I'm in and where I was a few moments ago. And then the lint caught my eye. The way it keeps moving when I cannot. It seems to have a life force. How does it do that? Whycan’t I do that?

我就處于這樣的怪圈中不斷的循環(huán)往復(fù)。然而，突然之間，這個線球引起了我的注意，為什么它能動得了而我不行，它看起來反而像是有生命一般。為什么會這樣子?為什么我做不到?

I don’t know. Many things I don’t know.

我不知道。很多事情我都一無所知。

I do know, however, that this isn’t my fault. There are chemical imbalances in my brain thatoverwhelm me with stimulants and what not. Powerful, powerful stuff. It is not rational, I can’t*think* my way out of it. I’d like more than anything not to be crippled by this. But I am. I dosomething about it, treat it, but sometimes it’s not enough.

但我知道，抑郁，并不是我的錯。我那化學失衡的大腦用種種強勁濃烈的刺激壓垮我?？蛇@不是“理性”的，我沒有辦法靠自己“想通”。我寧愿殘疾都不愿再忍受這些?？晌乙廊怀惺苤蚁脒^辦法，我接受過治療，但這些遠遠不夠。

Which brings me to the floor.…pondering what could be my life force. Do I even have one? Well,I’m still here, so yes...but I don't feel like I have one.

我到底是為什么趴在地板上?到底什么才是我活著的動力...我有這樣的動力嗎?不過，既然我還躺在這，那應(yīng)該是有的。只是，我感覺不到我有。

So I just lay there, empty of tears, empty of everything.

所以，我只是躺在這里，眼淚是空虛的，一切都是空虛的。

Then, I don’t know how long—a minute, an eternity— I felt a warmth, like when you think of aperson you want to see smiling at you. The warmth turned into an urge, a happy urge. I feltcompelled to write this down and share with people, make it ok to talk about this stuff.

不知過了多久，一分鐘?或是永恒?我感到了溫暖，就是那種當你想起一個人的時候你會想起他的微笑。這種溫暖變成了一種鼓勵，一種歡欣的鼓勵。我感到一種力量迫使我寫下這些東西然后與人分享，跟別人聊這些東西其實也沒什么大不了的。

So I did. I wrote it down and am here, posting. Because it is ok to talk about this stuff.

我就這么做了，我在這里寫下這些東西，發(fā)了出來。抑郁這件事也沒什么不可說的。

That compulsion didn’t get me over depression, it didn’t solve it. It will come back, perhaps in afew hours, perhaps tomorrow.

這一力量并不能幫我克服抑郁，并不能解決它。過不了幾個小時，或者明天，它又會向我襲來。

But it made me care about something, and that got me off the floor.

但這一股力量讓我有了關(guān)心的東西，讓我從地板上站了起來。

希望每一個人在難過、受挫的時候，都能感受到一種能使他站起來的力量。

有人說，抑郁的感覺就像這副漫畫一樣：

I can't.

對正常人來說正常的事情，對他們來說，可能就是做不到。

抑郁到底是什么感覺?

這是另一名回答者的文章：

@Sudhir Suvarna

How does it feel ?

抑郁是什么感覺?

Loneliness,

孤獨，

Cut off from people,

與人隔絕，

Get irritated easily,

容易憤怒，

Feel tired even though I have done no major activity during the day.

容易疲憊，即使一整天什么都沒做。

Not wanting to pick up the phone,

不想接電話，

Procrastinating,

拖延，

Feel like crying ( Yes...men cry too)

想哭(是的...男人也會哭)

Thinking everyone is out to knock me over

被害妄想癥

Happy to follow the same routine everyday.

每天都做同樣的事

Hate TV or any sound

討厭電視討厭任何聲響

Hate people for no reason.

無來由的討厭人類

Can't Smile

笑不出來

No reaction on my face when people talk to me,

當人們談及我時面無表情

Relive the past traumatic moments.

回味過往傷心的時刻。

Actually thought the world would end in Dec 2012....Felt sad ..it didn't

希望世界末日真的會在2012年的12月，遺憾的是，并沒有。

and the worst thing

最糟糕的是......

I live in a 11 story residential building in Mumbai. The terrace gives a lovely view of the entiresuburb of Mumbai. I have been thinking of visiting the terrace...I imagine standing on thetop.....and thank God for the wonderful life I had so far, my family, my friends from the past andthen I look down from the 11th floor, I notice my 7-year old son crying out loud....'Dad...pleasedon't jump...Mumma and I love you very much...we are proud of you.....Please come back Dad!!! '.

我住在孟買一個住宅樓的11層，站在陽臺上可以看到孟買整個郊區(qū)的景色。我經(jīng)常想著走到陽臺上，站在陽臺的邊緣，感謝上帝給我的美妙人生，感謝我的家人、朋友，然后從11樓往下看去，我看到我7歲的兒子聲嘶力竭的哭著...“爸爸，不要跳，我和媽媽都非常愛你，我們都以你為豪......回來爸爸!!!”

and I am still here...fighting to live another day !

所以，我依然在這里，掙扎著活過另一天!

What am I doing to recover from depression ?

為了走出抑郁，我做了些什么?

- I pray to God for the wonderful life he has given me and to give me strength to fight it out .

——我向上帝祈禱，感謝它給過我的美好生命，希望它能賜予我繼續(xù)抗爭的力量。

- Be there for people who need someone to talk to.

——當人們需要傾訴的時候陪在他們身邊。

- Eat healthy, mainly fruits - bananas especially.

——健康飲食，多吃水果，尤其是香蕉。

- Long walks (2 hours daily), listen to music, read a book - these days I have developed an interestin understanding how planes work.

——每天散步2小時，聽音樂，讀書，最近我對飛機是怎么運作的很感興趣。

- Continue to stay away from people on Facebook - no more commenting on friends holidaypictures.

——遠離Facebook，不在朋友的度假照片下面評論。

- Affirmations - If other's won't tell me..I tell myself... 'I am a wonderful person...My family lovesme...They need me to be alive....I need to look after them'.

——對自己的肯定，就算沒有人這么跟我說，我也會這樣告訴我自己，“我是一個很棒的人，我的家人很愛我，他們需要我活著，我還要照顧他們。”

- Write, Write, Write ...all positive feelings...how I am going to live my life for the next 40 years.

——不停地寫，寫，寫，把所有正能量都寫下來，寫我將如何度過生命接下來的40年。

- I will Never Give Up !!!

——我永遠都不會放棄!!!

I conclude my answer with an image I clicked myself and a quote from Stephen Fry.

我以自己的一張自拍照和Stephen Fry來總結(jié)這個答案。

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't astraight forward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

“如果你身邊有抑郁癥患者，請不要問他們?yōu)槭裁?。抑郁不是由什么壞的處境產(chǎn)生的;抑郁，就跟天氣一樣。

“Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through.Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someonewho’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

“試著去理解他們正在經(jīng)歷的那些黑暗、昏沉、無望和孤獨。當他們從抑郁中回神時陪在他們身邊。做一個抑郁癥患者的朋友很難，但這將會是你做過的最溫暖、最高尚、最美好的事情。”