獨(dú)處≠孤獨(dú)：學(xué)會(huì)自我陪伴 更會(huì)與人相處

I take myself on dates. I go to the movies alone. I wander museums alone. I eat meals alone (and yes, that means I resist all temptation to scroll through Instagram while waiting for my meal). I sit in coffee shops and journal alone. I take the train and go to new towns and walk around alone.

我跟自己去約會(huì)：我獨(dú)自看電影，獨(dú)自在博物館閑逛，獨(dú)自吃飯(是的，這是說(shuō)在等待飯菜上來(lái)時(shí)，我抵制住所有刷Instagram的誘惑)。我坐在咖啡館里，獨(dú)自寫(xiě)著日志。我一個(gè)人乘火車(chē)，前往新的城鎮(zhèn)，然后獨(dú)自在那里四處走走玩玩。

I realize this may sound super dorky. You're probably thinking that I must be pretty weird and very lonely. Interestingly enough, I was way more lonely before I started spending time alone. The feeling like I needed to be around people all the time to take a deep breath -- that was loneliness. The feeling of complete anxiety and fear when a boyfriend broke up with me -- that was loneliness. But this? This is peace. This is fun. This is what self-esteem is built of. Here's how I learned to spend time alone.

我意識(shí)到也許這聽(tīng)起來(lái)超級(jí)蠢。你很可能會(huì)想，我肯定十分怪異、非常寂寞。有趣的是，我在開(kāi)始獨(dú)自生活前是更加孤單的。那種就像我需要一直跟別人待在一起才能做深呼吸的感覺(jué)，是孤單。男朋友跟我分手，那種極為焦慮恐慌的感受，是寂寞。但現(xiàn)在這種場(chǎng)景呢?這是平靜，是趣味，是構(gòu)建自信心的基礎(chǔ)。以下是我學(xué)會(huì)獨(dú)處的方法。

1. I just did it. And let go of trying to look "cool".

我只是一個(gè)人獨(dú)處，并不去想怎么盡量看起來(lái)酷。

2. Make a list of your favorite things. And don't wait for anyone.

列出你最?lèi)?ài)的事物，不要等任何人跟你一起去踐行。

3. Schedule It. And don't cancel on yourself.

計(jì)劃時(shí)間，不要取消與自己的約會(huì)。

For the past year, I've been single by choice. Not by circumstance. Not because no one will ask me out or I can't find anyone eligible. It's hard for some people to believe that I am choosing not to date, and I often get weird looks and confused grunts from my old aunt and college friends alike. Why would someone voluntarily choose to stay single? To spend time alone? Aren't I missing out on life by not going on Tinder dates? What if The One is out there but I don't catch him because I'm too busy staying single?

過(guò)去一年中，我選擇保持單身。這不是因?yàn)榄h(huán)境因素，不是因?yàn)闆](méi)人約我出去或是我不能找到合適人選。有些人很難相信我選擇不去約會(huì)。大姨和大學(xué)同學(xué)們老是對(duì)我投以怪異的眼神和不解地咕噥。為什么會(huì)有人愿意保持單身?愿意獨(dú)自一人消磨時(shí)光?沒(méi)有繼續(xù)在Tinder(網(wǎng)絡(luò)交友平臺(tái))上相親的我，難道不是錯(cuò)過(guò)了生活(的樂(lè)趣)嗎?要是我命中注定的另一半就在Tinder上，但我因?yàn)槊χ３謫紊矶e(cuò)過(guò)了他，那怎么辦?

I'm not the slightest bit embarrassed to say out loud that I've been dating myself and it's been the most nurturing, sustainable, and non-anxiety inducing relationship I've ever had. There's no waiting to be texted back (or obsessing about if my text is too flirty, too needy, too wordy), and there's no feeling like another person just doesn't understand me.

大聲說(shuō)出我正和自己相約，一點(diǎn)也不讓我尷尬，而且它是我所有的關(guān)系中最滋養(yǎng)人、最持久也最不會(huì)引發(fā)焦慮的。我不需要等待他人的回復(fù)(或是費(fèi)神考慮我的短信是否太過(guò)輕浮、有求于人或是冗長(zhǎng)啰嗦)，另外我也不會(huì)再有那種就是有人無(wú)法明白我的感覺(jué)了。

That doesn't mean I don't plan on dating other people in future -- I definitely do. But I know now that the relationship I've built with myself is a model for the relationship I want to be in. I'm kind and patient and gentle and loving and forgiving of myself. I laugh at my mistakes and I let go of my errors. I am strong and courageous. That's the kind of person I want to be with and the type of relationship I hope to be in.

這不意味著我將來(lái)不打算談戀愛(ài)(我當(dāng)然會(huì)談啦)。可我如今明白，與自己建立的這種關(guān)系是我想要與另一半相處的模式。我友善、耐心、溫柔、友愛(ài)又寬容。我對(duì)自己犯的錯(cuò)誤一笑了之。我強(qiáng)大而勇敢。這便是我想要的對(duì)象，也是我希望同他建立起的戀愛(ài)關(guān)系。

I know now that I'm not going into the relationship as a half, I'm going in as a whole. So whether it works out or doesn't work out, deep down, I haven't lost anything. I'm still me. I'm still complete. I still have the friendship I've built with the me that I've grown to know and love over the past 23 years. That's the greatest relief I've ever known.

我現(xiàn)在知道了，我不會(huì)在戀愛(ài)關(guān)系中有所保留，而將會(huì)是全身心投入。因此無(wú)論這段關(guān)系是否有好的結(jié)果，在內(nèi)心深處我都沒(méi)有任何損失。我仍然是我自己，我仍然完好無(wú)損，我同自己建立起的友誼依舊存在，那是我在過(guò)去23年中漸漸了解并愛(ài)上的。這便是我所知的最大欣慰。