美國(guó)高齡跨性群體，改變性別永遠(yuǎn)不晚?

For Some in Transgender Community, It’s Never Too Late to Make a Change

美國(guó)高齡跨性群體，改變性別永遠(yuǎn)不晚?

One Friday night last fall, 50 well-dressed guests piled into an apartment in Hell’s Kitchen for a party celebrating Sheela-Marie Padgett, a 57-year-old former dancer with the New York City Ballet.

去年秋天的一個(gè)周五晚上，位于紐約地獄廚房區(qū)的一處公寓樓內(nèi)，50位衣著光鮮的客人接踵而至。他們前來(lái)參加為前紐約市芭蕾舞團(tuán)舞蹈演員、57歲的茜拉·瑪麗·帕吉特(Sheela-Marie Padgett)舉行的派對(duì)。

Waiters passed drinks before a buffet dinner of fancy Indian food was presented. Then came a chocolate cake from the Erotic Bakery made in the shape of corseted showgirl with a male appendage. It was sliced up and served to the crowd.

侍者們供應(yīng)著酒水。之后，客人們享用了印式精致美食自助餐。甜點(diǎn)是來(lái)自“情欲面包房”的一塊巧克力蛋糕。蛋糕的形狀是一個(gè)穿了緊身胸衣卻有著男性性器官的歌舞女郎。蛋糕被切成小塊以?xún)斮e客。

Which was fitting enough, because the following morning, Sheela — formerly known as Bruce — was scheduled to fly to Scottsdale, Ariz., for the last major procedure in her transition from male to female: gender reassignment surgery.

這真是再應(yīng)景不過(guò)了。第二天早上，茜拉——她之前的名字是布魯斯——就要飛到亞利桑那州的斯克茨戴爾完成她從男性變?yōu)榕缘淖詈笠徊剑鹤冃允中g(shù)。

One by one, friends made their way over to the Nakashima-style wood dining table to offer congratulations. Almost unanimously, they noted that Bruce had been cynical, withdrawn and biting, while Sheela is soft and effervescent.

朋友們一個(gè)接著一個(gè)走到中島風(fēng)格(Nakashima-style)的餐桌前，向茜拉表示祝賀。他們幾乎不約而同地注意到：之前的布魯斯憤世嫉俗、孤僻、愛(ài)嘲諷，而茜拉卻溫婉活潑。

“It’s like you’re a different person,” said Edwin Pabon, a freelance photographer. “Before the lights were off, and now they’re on.”

“她完全變了一個(gè)人,”自由職業(yè)攝影師埃德溫·帕波恩說(shuō)：“就好像之前燈是關(guān)著的，現(xiàn)在它們打開(kāi)了。”

“It’s true,” said Ms. Padgett, who stands 5 foot 7 inches tall (when not in heels), wore a black lace top, and, with her hair done in a Raphaelite style, looked rather like the portrait that would emerge if John Singer Sargent were alive today to paint Madonna. “My friends were all frightened of me. I was a nasty person. I was so unhappy. It tainted all my relationships.”

“這是真的，”帕吉特女士說(shuō):“以前，我的朋友們都怕我。我不是一個(gè)好相處的人。我非常不快樂(lè)。這影響了我所有的人際關(guān)系。”帕吉特身高一米七，穿著一件黑色的蕾絲上衣，頭發(fā)的樣式模仿了拉斐爾派畫(huà)像里的女性。如果肖像畫(huà)家約翰·辛格·薩金特(John Singer Sargent)還在世的話，他畫(huà)的麥當(dāng)娜可能會(huì)和她別無(wú)二致。

Lori Ogle, another friend, said: “It’s really brave to do what she’s doing and it’s even braver because it’s so late in life. We were born the same year. I don’t know what I want to change, but this is inspiring. It’s like, ‘Go ahead, it’s not too late.’ ”

另一位朋友，蘿莉·奧格(Lori Ogle)說(shuō)：“她做這件事真的很有勇氣?？紤]到她的年齡，她尤其顯得勇敢。我們是同一年出生的。帕吉特給了我激勵(lì)，盡管我不知道我想改變什么。這就好像有人告訴我：‘放手去做吧，還為時(shí)不晚。’”

Awareness of transgender issues has surged over the last year. Laverne Cox, a star of the television show “Orange Is the New Black,” appeared in June on the cover of Time. Janet Mock chronicled her transition from male to female in the memoir “Redefining Realness,” which landed last spring on the New York Times best-seller list. Transgender models like Andreja Pejic have walked the runways in New York and Milan. And major retailers like Barneys are using transgender men and women in their ad campaigns.

對(duì)于跨性別話題的關(guān)注從去年開(kāi)始高漲。電視劇《鐵女子監(jiān)獄》(Orange Is the New Black)中的主演之一，變性女星拉文·考克斯(Laverne Cox)在去年六月上了《時(shí)代》周刊的封面。簡(jiǎn)妮特·默克(Janet Mock)的回憶錄《重新定義真實(shí)》(Redefining Realness)記述了她從男性到女性的轉(zhuǎn)變，并于去年春季躋入《紐約時(shí)報(bào)》暢銷(xiāo)書(shū)排行榜。像安德烈·佩伊其(Andreja Pejic)這樣的跨性模特在紐約和米蘭的秀場(chǎng)嶄露頭角。而諸如巴尼斯(Barneys)這樣的零售商巨頭也在廣告宣傳中啟用了跨性人士。

But it took Amazon’s popular and acclaimed TV series “Transparent,” about a septuagenarian father of three who is coming out as trans (which coincided with frenzied coverage of Bruce Jenner’s drastically changed physical appearance) to shed light on a largely undiscussed segment of the transgender population: those who undergo a gender change later in life, sometimes even in their 60s and 70s, after decades of feeling not fully whole.

而很少人會(huì)去關(guān)注那些在人生后半段——有些甚至是到了六七十歲，在經(jīng)歷了好幾十年的缺憾后才開(kāi)始轉(zhuǎn)變性別的跨性人群。亞馬遜出品的《透明家庭》 (Transparent)改變了這一情況。這部人氣高漲，備受好評(píng)的電視劇講述了一位耄耋之年，養(yǎng)育了三個(gè)子女的跨性父親的出柜故事(電視播出的同時(shí)，媒體正大肆報(bào)道1949年出生的前運(yùn)動(dòng)員布魯斯·詹納[Bruce Jenner]變性后大為改變的外貌)。

Coming out as transgender is not easy for anyone. But the issues are particularly thorny for those trying to reconfigure a central tenet of identity decades after building an adult life with family and career.

出柜對(duì)于跨性人士來(lái)說(shuō)并非易事。對(duì)于那些構(gòu)建了好幾十年人生，有了家庭和事業(yè)的人們來(lái)說(shuō)，要想改變身份的核心成分更是難上加難。

Social changes have a tendency to take root among the young, and to then trickle up years (sometimes decades) later. To be in transition around the time you qualify for AARP membership is to be on some level a paradox; a person newly born at a seasoned age.

社會(huì)身份的變化會(huì)在年輕人心目中扎根，然后在數(shù)年甚至數(shù)十年后體現(xiàn)出來(lái)。到了該退休的年齡再想改變性別，這無(wú)異于一個(gè)悖論：本是熟齡人士，卻剛獲得新生。

Additionally, these late transitioners grew up in an era of rigid gender stereotypes, which they have been both oppressed by and in some cases internalized. A great number of them are married and have children who struggle to accept that the person who raised them is now becoming someone new.

此外，這些高齡變性者成長(zhǎng)于一個(gè)性別觀念僵化的年代。他們被這些觀念壓迫，而這些觀念也成了他們當(dāng)中某些人自我意識(shí)的一部分。他們中的大多數(shù)人都已成家，有了子女。對(duì)后代來(lái)說(shuō)，要接受養(yǎng)育他們的家長(zhǎng)現(xiàn)在就要變?yōu)榱硗庖粋€(gè)人，這會(huì)是一個(gè)艱難的過(guò)程。

There are pragmatic as well as physical challenges, too, particularly for the older population of trans women (which refers to those born with men’s anatomy and who have since transitioned). Men’s jaws and shoulders widen over time, making a more “womanly” shape hard to achieve. Hair grows on their bodies while disappearing from their scalps, necessitating hair transplants or wigs.

另外還有一些現(xiàn)實(shí)的和身體上的挑戰(zhàn)，尤其是對(duì)于女性跨性別者(女性跨性別者指的是生下來(lái)是男性，后來(lái)轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)榕缘娜耸?來(lái)說(shuō)。男性的下顎和肩膀會(huì)隨著年歲增長(zhǎng)變寬。這使得他們更難獲得較為女性化的身材。他們的體毛變得旺盛，但是頭發(fā)卻逐漸脫落。這樣他們不得不進(jìn)行頭發(fā)移植，或是戴假發(fā)。

All of which has profound emotional consequences for a group of people coming to terms not only with their genders but with the indignities of aging and impending mortality. Many will not be beautiful, like the young transitioners they watch on TV. Many will not “pass.”

所有這些困難對(duì)高齡變性人的情緒影響極其深刻：他們既為自己的性別身份而苦苦掙扎，同時(shí)還要面對(duì)因?yàn)樗ダ隙鴨适ё饑?yán)和即將到來(lái)的死亡所帶來(lái)的困擾。許多人都不會(huì)像他們?cè)陔娨暽峡吹降哪切┠贻p變性人那樣美貌。還有許多人的變性結(jié)果并不會(huì)獲得社會(huì)“認(rèn)可”。

“After I went on hormones, there was a letdown,” said Barbara, 63, who lives on the Upper East Side and agreed to talk to a reporter on the condition that her last name not be used. “I thought, ‘Where do I go now?’ I’m not going to look like a movie actress in her 20s or 30s. I’m not going to look like Laverne Cox.”

“在攝入荷爾蒙后，我有點(diǎn)失望，”63歲的芭芭拉說(shuō)。芭芭拉住在紐約的上東區(qū)，她接受記者采訪的條件是不透露姓氏。“我想：‘我現(xiàn)在該怎么辦?’我不可能變成像二三十歲的電影演員那樣美麗。我不可能變得像拉文·考克斯那樣。”

Today, she goes to a support group at Sage, the largest organization for older LGBT people. “No one there is dating,” she said.

如今，芭芭拉參加了一個(gè)名為Sage的互助小組，這是全國(guó)最大的老年LGBT人士互助小組。“我們小組里沒(méi)有一個(gè)人在約會(huì)，”芭芭拉說(shuō)。

Still, the pull to live as a person wants, even for a short time, even under reduced circumstances, remains powerful. Some people interviewed said they waited to retire before transitioning so as not to disrupt or destroy their careers. Others chose to push forward after the deaths of their parents or after their children had left the nest.

盡管如此，能過(guò)上自己所渴望的生活——哪怕只是很短的時(shí)間，并有各種不盡如人意——這種吸引力還是巨大的。接受采訪的一些人說(shuō)，為了不至于干擾自己的事業(yè)，或是使事業(yè)毀于一旦，他們等到退休后才開(kāi)始變性。另一些等到他們父母去世或是子女們成人離家后才開(kāi)始有所動(dòng)作。

But invariably, they said that they had given enough, pretended enough, and wanted to claim the years remaining as their own. The entirety of their bucket list was to finally become themselves.

但是所有的人都說(shuō)他們已經(jīng)付出夠多，偽裝夠長(zhǎng)。他們想在有生余年過(guò)上自己想要的生活。他們現(xiàn)在的人生目標(biāo)清單只有一項(xiàng)，那就是做回自己。

As Ms. Padgett tells it, she lived the first part of her life assuming that the pull to be female would go away. Her father was a Baptist minister in Mississippi. Her mother taught first grade. When she came to New York and became a dancer, she thought that she had found her calling, a world that was more open and tolerant.

就像帕吉特女士所講述的那樣。在她人生的上半段，她一直都以為自己想要變成女性的渴求會(huì)隨時(shí)間消逝。她的父親是密西西比州的一位浸禮會(huì)牧師。母親是小學(xué)一年級(jí)教師。當(dāng)她來(lái)到紐約成為一名舞者后，她以為自己找到了人生歸宿——一個(gè)更加開(kāi)放和寬容的世界。

She hung out with Andy Warhol at Indochine and spent late nights at Studio 54 and the Peppermint Lounge.

她和安迪·沃霍爾(Andy Warhol)一起在印度支那(Indochine,紐約著名餐廳——譯注)用餐，在54號(hào)工作室(Studio 54,紐約一俱樂(lè)部——譯注)和薄荷舞廳(Peppermint Lounge)尋歡到深夜。

And yet during all the years she was a member of one of the world’s most famous ballet companies, she stood off to the side, wanting not to be the prince in “Swan Lake,” but Odette, the female swan.

但是置身世界上最有名的芭蕾舞團(tuán)之一的這些年里，她卻一直是一個(gè)邊緣人物。她不想當(dāng)《天鵝湖》中的王子，卻一直想出演白天鵝奧杰塔。

It didn’t happen. Instead, after she turned 50, she found herself increasingly lonely and isolated. Then, in 2007 and 2008, her parents died in quick succession. She began to think of what she characterizes (in stronger language) as the “what the hell” years.

她沒(méi)有如愿。反而，在過(guò)了50歲之后，她覺(jué)得自己越發(fā)孤寂。她的父母于2007年和2008年先后過(guò)世。“怎么會(huì)這樣?”(帕吉特女士的原話語(yǔ)氣更為強(qiáng)烈)是她這段時(shí)間里的口頭禪。生活的不如意促使她思考。

There was a small inheritance. A friend who had had gender reassignment surgery more than 20 years before went in for facial feminization surgery. “It was a big success,” Ms. Padgett said. “It completely changed her appearance.” Soon, she began telling people that she was transitioning.

她繼承了一小筆遺產(chǎn)。一位朋友在20年前做了變性手術(shù)，這會(huì)兒剛做完了使臉部女性化的手術(shù)。“手術(shù)很成功，”帕吉特女士說(shuō)：“她完全變了樣。”不久，帕吉特開(kāi)始告訴周?chē)娜怂谧冃浴?/p>

Though the reaction to Ms. Padgett’s transition has been largely positive, the process nevertheless has been arduous, and filled with roadblocks that may not have existed had she made the leap earlier.

大多數(shù)人對(duì)帕吉特女士變性消息的反應(yīng)是正面的。盡管如此，變性的過(guò)程相當(dāng)艱難，充滿(mǎn)了許多障礙，而如果帕吉特女士早一點(diǎn)決定變性的話，這些障礙可能并不會(huì)存在。

“Your grandmother looks more like your grandfather than she did while they were younger,” said Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel, a plastic surgeon in Boston who works largely on trans women and who treated Ms. Padgett. “The eyebrows drop, the nose changes, cheeks get more flat, the upper lips get longer, the jaw gets wider, skin quality deteriorates.”

“你的祖母年歲越大長(zhǎng)得就越像你的祖父，”杰弗瑞·史比格爾(Jeffrey Spiegel)——一位波士頓的整容醫(yī)師說(shuō)。史比格爾醫(yī)生的客戶(hù)大多是跨性女性。他也是帕吉特女士的醫(yī)生。“女性隨著年齡的增長(zhǎng)眉毛會(huì)下垂，鼻子也會(huì)有所改變，面頰變平，上唇變長(zhǎng)，下顎變寬，膚質(zhì)也變差了。”

“Dr. Spiegel redid my forehead,” Ms. Padgett said. “I had a very masculine brow bone, so he softened that. He raised my eyebrows so that there’s more space between my eye and my eyebrows. He cut the skin inside my lids to take away the old skin. He did a rhinoplasty to make my nose smaller and more delicate. He raised my upper lip so that there’s less space between my nose and my upper lip. He put in cheek implants and chin implants, and he did a tracheal shave and a lower neck and face-lift.”

“史比格爾醫(yī)生給我的額頭做了些改變，”帕吉特女士說(shuō)：“我之前的眉骨非常男性化，所以他把它變得柔和了一些。他還把我的眉毛提高，這樣我的眼睛和眉毛之間距離就大了一些。他割去了我眼皮下的一些老皮。還給我的鼻子做了手術(shù)，讓它變得小巧玲瓏一些。他提升了我的上唇，縮小了我的鼻子和上唇的距離。他還給我的面頰和下巴放入了填充物。他除掉了我的喉結(jié)，并給我做了下頸部和臉部的拉皮。”

The total cost for Dr. Spiegel’s work was $53,000. In addition, Ms. Padgett has had several years of painful electrolysis treatments to stop hair from growing on her face and body. Almost nothing related to Ms. Padgett’s gender transition was covered by her health insurance company, including her gender reassignment surgery and breast implants. With those three things added on, she estimates that the cost of transitioning physically was about $100,000. “I am broke,” she said.

史比格爾醫(yī)生做的這些一共花去了53,000美元。除此之外，帕吉特女士還進(jìn)行了好幾年痛苦的電解治療，使她臉上和身上的毛發(fā)停止生長(zhǎng)。所有這些和變性有關(guān)的治療，包括變性手術(shù)和乳房填充術(shù)，帕吉特女士的醫(yī)療保險(xiǎn)公司幾乎都不受理。帕吉特女士估計(jì)在變性上的花銷(xiāo)一共有差不多10萬(wàn)美元。“我已經(jīng)成窮光蛋了，”她說(shuō)。

Many trans people older than Ms. Padgett describe growing up in a time when there was really no vocabulary to even describe what they were.

許多比帕吉特女士年長(zhǎng)的跨性人士都說(shuō)，在他們成長(zhǎng)的那個(gè)年代，甚至沒(méi)有一個(gè)詞匯來(lái)描述他們這群人。

“The only word was ‘transvestism,’ nothing was known of this at all,” said Bobbi Swan, 84, of Clinton, Mich., just north of Detroit. She transitioned at age 72.

“唯一的一個(gè)詞就是‘異裝癖’了，人們對(duì)此真的是一無(wú)所知，”84歲的葆比·斯萬(wàn)(Bobbi Swan)說(shuō)。斯萬(wàn)來(lái)自位于密歇根州緊鄰底特律南邊的科林頓。她在72歲的時(shí)候開(kāi)始了變性歷程。

After high school, deeply in the closet, Ms. Swan went to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, got her degree in aeronautical engineering, and then served in the Air Force during the Korean War.

高中畢業(yè)后，嚴(yán)守自己跨性身份秘密的斯萬(wàn)就讀于麻省理工學(xué)院，并在那兒拿到了航天工程學(xué)位。之后，她參加了朝鮮戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)，在空軍服役。

In 1954, she went to work at Ryan Aeronautical, where one of her jobs included flying target drones over China during the Eisenhower administration. She became a member of the National Rifle Association, donated to numerous Republican candidates, married three different women, had two children, ran a hunting preserve and, in the ’90s, secretly edited a magazine for transvestites called “Our Way.”

她于1954年加入了賴(lài)安航天公司。在那里，她的工作職責(zé)之一是在艾森豪威爾執(zhí)政期間操控?zé)o人機(jī)在中國(guó)上空進(jìn)行偵查。她是美國(guó)全國(guó)步槍協(xié)會(huì)的成員，給眾多共和黨候選人捐過(guò)款，先后與不同的女性結(jié)了三次婚，有兩個(gè)孩子，管理著一個(gè)狩獵場(chǎng)。在九十年代，她秘密地編輯了一本給變裝者看的名為《我行我素》 (Our Way)的雜志。

“I think it’s safe to say that the employment I had would prohibit any sign of cross-dressing or anything like that,” Ms. Swan said. “I would have lost my job. The main customer is the Department of Defense. It was totally out of order.”

“我的工作禁止我露出一點(diǎn)易裝或是諸如此類(lèi)的苗頭，這么說(shuō)我想并不為過(guò)，”斯萬(wàn)女士說(shuō)，“我會(huì)丟了工作。我們的主要客戶(hù)是國(guó)防部。我根本不敢有任何非分之想。”

But by 2000, she had retired. Her children were grown. Her parents were no longer alive. It was time, she decided, to make a change she had long dreamed of.

到了2000年，斯萬(wàn)女士退了休。她的孩子們也已長(zhǎng)大成人，父母也過(guò)了世。她決定，夢(mèng)寐以求的做出改變的時(shí)機(jī)已到。

So three years after Ms. Swan began taking hormones and dressing daily as female, she underwent gender reassignment surgery in Thailand. She paid for it mostly through a $5,000 check sent by one her sons that came with a note from him that read: “Sometimes the most important thing in life is finding oneself.”

就這樣，在斯萬(wàn)女士開(kāi)始每天攝入荷爾蒙并按女性著裝的三年后，她在泰國(guó)接受了變性手術(shù)。她兩個(gè)兒子中的一個(gè)給了她一張5000美元的支票，用來(lái)支付了手術(shù)開(kāi)銷(xiāo)的大部分。兒子在支票上寫(xiě)道：“有時(shí)生活中最重要的事情就是找到自我。”

That level of acceptance can be the exception. Stephanie James, a 64-year-old trans woman in St. Louis, said she is pleased that she is no longer living a lie (“It’s been worth every penny,” Ms. James said), but the reaction from her three sons was dispiriting. She told her youngest two sons in 2007. “They were bewildered,” she said. Her oldest son found out a week later and stopped speaking to her.

家人的這種接受程度并不常見(jiàn)。斯提芬妮·詹姆斯(Stephanie James)是一位住在圣路易斯的跨性女性，今年64歲。她說(shuō)她很高興自己不用再在欺騙中生活。(“能這樣花出去的錢(qián)都值了，”詹姆斯女士說(shuō)。)但是她的三個(gè)兒子的反應(yīng)卻令人失望。她在2007年向兩個(gè)小兒子說(shuō)出了實(shí)情。“他們根本不理解我，”詹姆斯女士說(shuō)。她的大兒子一個(gè)星期后知道了真相，從此沒(méi)有跟她說(shuō)過(guò)話。

They remain estranged. “I have not even met my grandbaby,” she said.

直到現(xiàn)在他們的關(guān)系依舊疏遠(yuǎn)。“我甚至都沒(méi)有見(jiàn)過(guò)我的兒孫，”詹姆斯女士說(shuō)。

In 2009, she was fired as a strategic account manager at Graybar Electric, where she had worked for five years, during which time she transitioned. (Carrie Johnson, director of corporate and marketing communications at Graybar, said Ms. James’s departure was an “individual personnel matter” and declined further comment, saying, “I’m sure you can understand.”)

2009年的時(shí)候，她被Graybar Electric公司從戰(zhàn)略客戶(hù)經(jīng)理的職位上解雇。她在公司工作了五年，并在其間開(kāi)始變性。(凱莉·約翰遜[Carrie Johnson]是Graybar的企業(yè)與營(yíng)銷(xiāo)傳播部主任。她說(shuō)詹姆斯女士由于“個(gè)人原因”離開(kāi)了公司。她拒絕進(jìn)一步解釋?zhuān)?ldquo;我想你能理解”，她說(shuō)。)

In her last two years at Graybar, Ms. James said, she earned $125,000 with benefits and bonuses. This year, working as a live-in caregiver to an 86-year-old woman, she earns $480 a week, plus health care. “You do the multiplication,” Ms. James said.

在Graybar的最后兩年里，詹姆斯女士說(shuō)她連福利帶獎(jiǎng)金一共掙了125,000美元。今年，她給一位86歲的老太太做護(hù)工，每周的工資加上醫(yī)保是480美元。“你自己做乘法吧，”詹姆斯女士說(shuō)。

Over time, Ms. James has come to a number of awakenings not just about transphobia, but about sexism in general — dynamics she did not understand during 50-plus years living outwardly as a man.

這些年下來(lái)，詹姆斯女士不但對(duì)人們對(duì)跨性者的恐懼有了認(rèn)識(shí)，她還對(duì)性別歧視有了新的看法。在之前做為男性生活的50多年里，她并沒(méi)有覺(jué)得性別歧視是個(gè)問(wèn)題。

“The loss of a position in a white male society is subtle but omnipresent,” Ms. James said. “I remember, before I was let go, I was in a corporate meeting and one of the V.P.’s said, ‘Who brought the bagels?’ No one had. So the V.P. says, ‘Stephanie, would you mind running out to pick them up?’ It was pouring down rain! We could all see it. There were windows on three sides of the conference room. That kind of stuff never happened before I transitioned. It happened all the time after.”

“在白人男性社會(huì)失去地位是一件微妙的事，但是你時(shí)刻都會(huì)感知到這個(gè)事實(shí)，”詹姆斯女士說(shuō)，“我記得，在我被解雇前，我們?cè)陂_(kāi)一個(gè)公司會(huì)議。一個(gè)副總裁問(wèn)：‘誰(shuí)買(mǎi)了面包圈?’沒(méi)有人買(mǎi)。于是這個(gè)副總裁說(shuō)：‘斯提芬妮，你介意跑出去買(mǎi)一下嗎?’外面下著瓢潑大雨。會(huì)議室三面都有窗戶(hù)，我們都能看到。在我變性前，這種事是絕對(duì)不會(huì)發(fā)生的。我變性之后，就屢見(jiàn)不鮮了。”

Gretchen Lintner, 58, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Shortly before she was laid off from her job at a commercial real estate firm, an executive there said to her, “Don’t you people just go somewhere new and start over?”

58歲的格蕾馨·林特納(Gretchen Lintner)居住在舊金山灣區(qū)。在她被一家商業(yè)地產(chǎn)公司解聘不久前，一位經(jīng)理問(wèn)她道：“像你們這樣的人是不是都搬到一個(gè)新地方重新開(kāi)始?”

On a recent Friday, she was sitting in the lobby of a hotel near Union Square in San Francisco. She arrived wearing a Chanel-inspired blazer from Coldwater Creek, a Jones blouse, Gap jeans and a pair of alligator-patterned pumps. Her hair was long and blond and she wore silver hoop earrings. Nevertheless, as she walked in, the doorman greeted her by saying, “Hello, sir.”

不久前的一個(gè)周五，她坐在位于舊金山聯(lián)合廣場(chǎng)附近的一個(gè)酒店大堂里。她穿著一件Coldwater Creek的仿香奈兒上裝，Jones的襯衫，Gap的仔褲和一雙鱷魚(yú)皮的高跟鞋。她留著金色的長(zhǎng)發(fā)，帶著銀色的大圈耳環(huán)。就是這樣一幅裝扮，在她走進(jìn)酒店時(shí)，門(mén)衛(wèi)對(duì)她的問(wèn)候是：“先生，你好。”

“That’s how I go through life,” she said. “It’s the small oppressions that you get that you just have to be able to deal with.”

“這就是我的人生，”林特納女士說(shuō)：“我不得不應(yīng)對(duì)生活中的這種小小苦悶。”

“The hardest thing,” she continued, “is working for less money and being bumped off my career track because of being a woman, because of being a trans woman, because of the 2008 economic dislocation. I don’t blame anyone, but it’s a fact. And I’m over 50 and it’s hard for any individual over 50 to find employment.”

她接著說(shuō)道：“但是最艱難的是工作被減薪以及被迫終止我的職業(yè)。這些只不過(guò)是因?yàn)槲沂且粋€(gè)女人，一個(gè)跨性女性，當(dāng)然還有2008年經(jīng)濟(jì)形勢(shì)混亂的因素。我不責(zé)怪任何人，但這是事實(shí)。我已經(jīng)50多歲。任何一個(gè)50多歲的人要想找工作都不容易。”

Other things have changed as well. Today, Ms. Lintner dates both men and women. “For me, the parts are negotiable,” she said. “My sexual attraction was always toward women, and then as I transitioned I became more interested in men.”

另外還有一些別的改變?，F(xiàn)今，林特納女士的約會(huì)對(duì)象有男有女。“對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，在兩性關(guān)系里扮演哪個(gè)角色是可以商量的，”她說(shuō)：“我從前一直對(duì)女性有性趣，在我變性后，男性對(duì)我更有吸引力。”

For many, aspects of sexual identities shift. Language fails. There is a contingent of “transbien” relationships, the common term among LGBT types for what happens when two trans women get together. Straight men become straight women. Lesbians become gay men. This is what happened with Eugene Potchen-Webb, 60. He transitioned at 50 from female to male and, after having been a lesbian for many years, discovered he was into guys. “It was a surprise to me,” he said.

許多人的性別身份都發(fā)生了改變。這些改變很難用語(yǔ)言描述。在同性戀和跨性者群體里，出現(xiàn)了許多所謂的“跨女同性戀”關(guān)系，指的是兩位跨性女性之間的親密關(guān)系。異性戀男性變性后成了異性戀女性。同性戀女性變性后成了同性戀男性，60歲的尤金·潑特琴·韋博(Eugene Potchen-Webb)就是這樣。他在50歲的時(shí)候從女性變成了男性。這之前他一直是位跨性女同性戀者，變性后卻發(fā)現(xiàn)自己只對(duì)男性有性趣。“這真令我吃驚，”他說(shuō)。

Rachel Sorrow is a 64-year-old San Francisco-based architect and amateur stand-up comedian who remains married to her spouse, though they date other people and sleep in different bedrooms in the apartment they share in the Castro.

64歲的蕾切爾·索羅(Rachel Sorrow)是舊金山的一位建筑師和業(yè)余滑稽說(shuō)笑演員。變性后她沒(méi)有和原配偶離婚。她們?cè)诳ㄋ固亓_區(qū)共同擁有一處公寓。她們各自約會(huì)，睡在不同的臥室里。

“When I’m having sex with a man, I feel 100 percent a woman, and when I have sex with women I slip back into male roles,” Ms. Sorrow said. “I always thought if you are a guy and you have a sex-change operation and you’re still dating women, you’re a lesbian, because you look like a woman and you’re dating them. It’s a relatively reasonable assumption unless you know a lot of trans people.

“當(dāng)我和男性做愛(ài)時(shí)，我覺(jué)得我百分百是個(gè)女人，而當(dāng)我和女性做愛(ài)時(shí)，我就又回到了男性的角色，”索羅女士說(shuō)：“我之前一直以為，如果你生來(lái)是男性，在你做了變性手術(shù)后還是和女性交往，那你就是一位女同性戀者。因?yàn)槟阌信缘耐獗恚阋埠团约s會(huì)。這種想法聽(tīng)上去很合理，但是如果你認(rèn)識(shí)許多跨性者，你就不會(huì)這么認(rèn)為了。”

“In our case, I think it just doesn’t apply. I have way more flexibility than that. Trans means to move back and forth, like transportation, and I think that’s just part of it.”

“這種觀念對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)就完全不適合。我要有靈活性得多。‘跨’(trans)這個(gè)詞根的意思就是有進(jìn)有退，就像‘交通’(transportation)這個(gè)詞。我認(rèn)為這是‘跨性’這個(gè)詞含義的一部分。”

But having a progressive attitude about sex and self-expression doesn’t preclude clinging to ideals that are anachronistic and even a little bit sexist. Many older trans women grew up in “Mad Men”-era houses where women were accessories and children were supposed to speak when spoken to. And sometimes these tendencies are absorbed and play out in ways feminists sometimes find disconcerting.

對(duì)于性別身份問(wèn)題，跨性人士的觀念頗為進(jìn)步，但這并不意味著那些老套甚至有點(diǎn)性別歧視的觀點(diǎn)被完全摒棄。許多年長(zhǎng)的跨性女性成長(zhǎng)于《廣告狂人》那個(gè)年代。在那個(gè)年代里的家庭里，女性是附屬品，孩子們不能隨便講話。有時(shí)這些觀念根深蒂固，并被帶到了跨性者的日常行為中，這讓女權(quán)主義者時(shí)常感到不安。

“I do feel like sometimes I have to be more feminine than anyone else,” said Ms. Padgett, the onetime New York City Ballet dancer. “There have been so many times when I’ve been on the street and I realize I’m the only one in a dress and heels. I reach for those things that are more feminine than a genetic girl would go for. The stakes are higher for me because I wasn’t born female so I don’t take it for granted.”

“確實(shí)，我有時(shí)覺(jué)得我必須得比別的女性更加有女人味兒一些，”曾經(jīng)是紐約市芭蕾舞團(tuán)成員的帕吉特女士說(shuō)：“有好多次，我意識(shí)到我是街上唯一穿裙子和高跟鞋的。和普通的女性相比，我會(huì)選擇那些更女性化的東西。我生來(lái)不是女性，現(xiàn)在的身份來(lái)之不易，所以我要比別人付出更多。”

Ms. James of St. Louis agrees: “I feel naked if I don’t have eye makeup on. I’ve worked hard to get this far.”

圣路易斯的詹姆斯女士也這么認(rèn)為：“如果我不上眼妝的話，我就會(huì)覺(jué)得像沒(méi)穿衣服一樣。能到今天這樣，我付出了太多努力。”

Nearly all older trans men have experienced oppression, but they had the advantage of growing up in an era when coveting manhood was somewhat understandable and tomboyishness was at least forgiven.

幾乎所有年長(zhǎng)的跨性男性都受到過(guò)歧視和壓制。但是他們卻有一項(xiàng)優(yōu)勢(shì)——在他們成長(zhǎng)的年代里，女孩子渴望做男生情有可原，而假小子的行為也至少會(huì)被原諒。

Jeffrey Dickemann, an 85-year-old retired anthropology professor from Sonoma State University in California who transitioned in his 60s, recalls that when he was in college, there were rules against women wearing trousers. But he also had a dad who bonded with him over sports and clothes. “In high school, my father gave me his military boots, which I wore,” he said. “I didn’t even realize how much I stuck out.”

85歲的杰弗瑞·迪克曼(Jeffrey Dickemann)是加州索諾瑪州立大學(xué)的一位退休人類(lèi)學(xué)教授。他在60多歲的時(shí)候開(kāi)始變性。他回憶起當(dāng)他上大學(xué)時(shí)，學(xué)校有規(guī)定不許女生穿褲子。但是他卻有一位關(guān)系親密的父親，帶他進(jìn)行體育活動(dòng)，并指導(dǎo)他著裝。“高中時(shí)，父親把他的軍用靴子給了我，我穿上了它們，”迪克曼先生說(shuō)，“我那會(huì)兒甚至都沒(méi)有意識(shí)到我是多么與眾不同。”

Katherine Rachlin, a therapist who counsels trans people, said these themes come up frequently. “It’s much more difficult if you’re a woman that is 6-foot-3 than a man who is 5-foot-3,” she said. “We look at women differently.”

凱瑟琳·拉切林(Katherine Rachlin)是一位給跨性人士做咨詢(xún)的心理醫(yī)師。她說(shuō)她時(shí)常能在治療中聽(tīng)到這類(lèi)話題。“一位一米九的女性比一位一米五的男性相比，前者作為變性者要艱難得多，”她說(shuō)，“人們看女人有另外的一套標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。”

This also resonates with Vanessa Fabbre, an assistant professor at the Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis, and one of the few experts on the subject of late transitioners. “I hear a lot of older trans men say that they were tomboys and that it was acceptable,” she said. “But we don’t have an equivalent term for tomboy with people who are born male. We have yet to create a real option for young boys wanting to express an aspect of their female selves.”

拉切林的觀點(diǎn)和凡妮莎·法博的看法一致。法博是圣路易斯的華盛頓大學(xué)布朗社會(huì)工作學(xué)院的副教授，也是研究高齡變性人士為數(shù)不多的專(zhuān)家之一。“我聽(tīng)到許多年長(zhǎng)的變性男性說(shuō)他們年輕時(shí)是假小子，人們并沒(méi)覺(jué)得這有什么，”她說(shuō)，“但是對(duì)于那些生為男性卻身份認(rèn)同是女性的人群來(lái)說(shuō)，并沒(méi)有一個(gè)和‘假小子’相應(yīng)的詞來(lái)形容他們。我們必須給那些想表達(dá)他們女性一面的男孩們一個(gè)真正的選擇。”

Three years ago, Ms. Fabbre was studying for a doctoral degree in social sciences at the University of Chicago, when she decided to write her thesis on late-age transitioners. With Jess T. Dugan, 28, a photographer who is also her life partner, Ms. Fabbre has been documenting the lives of many of these people on a website called To Survive on This Shore. However ostracized and exoticized they are, perhaps the most shocking thing about their pictures on the site is how ordinary the people in them seem.

三年前，法博女士在芝加哥大學(xué)攻讀社會(huì)科學(xué)博士學(xué)位。她把她的博士論文選題定為了高齡變性人士。她和她的伴侶、28歲的攝影師杰斯·T·杜根一起創(chuàng)建了一個(gè)名叫“此岸生存”的網(wǎng)站，記錄了許多高齡變性人士的生活。這些人受到社會(huì)排斥，并被視為異類(lèi)，網(wǎng)站上的照片可能最讓人震驚的地方就是他們?cè)谄渲锌瓷先ジ胀ㄈ瞬](méi)有區(qū)別。

A fair number of them have been following the news of Bruce Jenner with interest. So has Ms. Padgett, who said it was obvious to her what was going on well before People Magazine reported it had confirmed that Mr. Jenner was in transition.

他們中的許多人都在密切地關(guān)注布魯斯·詹納的新聞。帕吉特女士也是。她說(shuō)早在《人物》雜志核實(shí)詹納先生確實(shí)在變性之前，她就知道是怎么回事了。

“I could just tell,” she said. “I kept saying, ‘I think he’s transitioning.’ He was taking all the actions I took. But I can’t imagine what it must be like to be him. People have said to me over and over ‘What you’re doing is so brave.’ But I never felt it had anything to do with braveness. It was a need and a hunger, and when I saw the solution it was like a truckload of food coming at a starving person. Someone like Bruce Jenner has to do it in front of the entire world. That is brave.”

“我一眼就看出來(lái)了，”她說(shuō)，“我一直在說(shuō)，‘我認(rèn)為他在變性。’他經(jīng)歷的過(guò)程我都經(jīng)歷過(guò)。但是我不能想像如果我是他的話會(huì)是怎么樣。人們反復(fù)跟我說(shuō)‘你所做的真是太勇敢了’，但是我從來(lái)不覺(jué)得這和勇敢什么關(guān)系。這就像一種渴求，當(dāng)我看到滿(mǎn)足這種渴求的辦法時(shí)，就好像一個(gè)挨餓的人看到一卡車(chē)食物沖他而來(lái)。像布魯斯·詹納這樣的人卻要在全世界面前做這件事，這才是勇敢。”