老師希望家長們了解的五件事

老師希望家長們了解的五件事

This week, I’m turning the tables and giving some space to the “teacher” half of the “Parent-Teacher Conference.” When I ask teachers, “What one thing would you want your students’ parents to know?” the same five points come up over and over again.

本周，在“家長—教師研討會(huì)”上，我調(diào)轉(zhuǎn)了談話方向，向“教師”這半邊與會(huì)者提供了一些空間。我問老師們，“你想讓學(xué)生們的家長知道什么事情?”以下五點(diǎn)反復(fù)出現(xiàn)在答案中。

1. Your kids can do much more than you think they can do. Despite all evidence to the contrary, your children do not need your help tying shoes, zipping jackets, sharpening pencils, packing their backpacks and lunch, or any of the million other tasks they expect you to do for them every day.

1. 孩子能做的事情遠(yuǎn)比你以為的要多。雖然有那么多與之相悖的證據(jù)，但你的孩子確實(shí)不需要你幫忙系鞋帶、拉拉鏈、削鉛筆、理書包和午餐盒，以及每天無數(shù)件他們指望著你來出手相助的事情。

Take some direction from kindergarten teachers. If you think it takes an eternity to get your children out the door, imagine getting 20 children out the door, six times a day. Elementary school teachers are masters of delegation, so the child proficient at shoelaces becomes their “tying expert,” and the boy with a skill for zippers becomes the designated “zipper helper,” and before you can say “self-sufficient,” every child in the class has learned to tie and zip and mitten themselves. The next time your child tells you they can’t do something, step back and wait.

可以聽聽幼兒園老師的一些建議。如果你覺得孩子們磨磨蹭蹭出一次門要費(fèi)半天勁，試想一下，每天六次，老師們得把20個(gè)孩子領(lǐng)出教室大門。小學(xué)老師是委派任務(wù)的高手，這樣一來，擅長系鞋帶的孩子就成為其他小朋友們的“系鞋帶專家”，而掌握了拉拉鏈技能的孩子可以得到“拉鏈幫手”的光榮使命，在你還沒要求孩子學(xué)會(huì)“自立”前，班上所有小學(xué)生都學(xué)會(huì)了自己系鞋帶、拉拉鏈、戴手套。下次，如果你的孩子跟你說，他有什么事情不會(huì)做，別急著出手，先等一等。

2. It’s not healthy to give your child constant feedback. When children require approval on every scribble, homework problem and picture they draw, it’s probably because they have been offered feedback on every scribble, homework problem and picture they draw. It’s vital that children develop their own internal locus of approval and honest self-assessment, because as they grow up and face hardship, they need to be able to look to themselves for strength and approval. If they can’t, they will be much more susceptible to the superficial external approval that comes their way in the form of peer pressure, bullying and the social jostling. As you wean them off of your feedback, turn their “Mommy, is this picture good?” or “Daddy, did I do a good job?” back on them, and ask them how they feel about their work.

2. 不斷給孩子反饋是不健康的。如果你的孩子每次涂鴉、作業(yè)碰到問題或者畫完畫，都需要得到你的認(rèn)可，那也許是因?yàn)樗麄円呀?jīng)對(duì)此習(xí)以為常了。培養(yǎng)孩子們建立自己內(nèi)在的認(rèn)可標(biāo)準(zhǔn)和誠實(shí)的自我評(píng)價(jià)，這一點(diǎn)十分關(guān)鍵，因?yàn)殡S著他們一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)長大，面臨艱難險(xiǎn)阻，他們需要有能力從自己身上獲取力量與認(rèn)可。要是做不到的話，他們?cè)谂龅侥w淺的外界評(píng)價(jià)時(shí)將會(huì)更加容易受到影響，這些評(píng)價(jià)有可能是同伴壓力，也有可能是霸凌和社交競(jìng)爭。你得幫他們戒掉對(duì)你的反饋的依賴，當(dāng)孩子們問“媽媽，我這幅畫畫得好嗎?”或者“爸爸，我做得棒不棒呀?”時(shí)，你要把問題調(diào)過頭來，問他們對(duì)自己做的成果感覺如何。

3. We promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home if you promise not to believe everything your child says happens in our classrooms. Experienced teachers know that not everything children share during circle time represents an accurate reflection of what goes on in their home. When, for example, my cousin’s son told to his entire class that a robot had come to his house and removed his mommy’s lady parts, his teacher was wise enough to remain skeptical. Accordingly, when your child comes home and claims that the teacher screamed and yelled at him in front of the entire class for his low test score, try to give his teacher the benefit of the doubt until you’ve had a chance to talk to the teacher about it.

3. 如果你答應(yīng)，不把孩子說的關(guān)于在學(xué)校里發(fā)生的所有事情都當(dāng)真，我們也答應(yīng)你，不會(huì)把孩子說的所有家務(wù)事都當(dāng)真。有經(jīng)驗(yàn)的老師知道，孩子們?cè)谡n間休息時(shí)分享的故事，并不能準(zhǔn)確代表家中的真實(shí)情況。比方說，我家姨甥曾跟全班小朋友說，家里來了個(gè)機(jī)器人，把媽媽的“羞羞部位”給切除了，他的老師明智地對(duì)此表示懷疑。相應(yīng)的，如果你的孩子回到家，說老師因?yàn)樗目荚嚦煽兲?，在全班同學(xué)面前沖著他大吼大叫，在你有機(jī)會(huì)跟老師把事情問清楚前，最好先假設(shè)這位老師是無辜的。

4. Your children learn and act according to what you do, not what you say. You are your child’s first and best teacher, and they learn more from your actions rather than your words. When you tell your child that it’s rude to text during conversations, yet you continue to read your email while pretending to listen to him talk about his day, you are teaching him to distrust your words and your intent, while reinforcing the very behavior you seek to modify.

4. 孩子在學(xué)習(xí)和行為上，參照的都是你的行動(dòng)，而不是說教。你是子女最初也是最好的老師，孩子們仿效的是你的行動(dòng)，而非語言。如果你告訴孩子，一邊跟人講話一邊發(fā)短信不禮貌，可當(dāng)你假裝聽他講起自己這一天的學(xué)校生活，卻在繼續(xù)看著郵件時(shí)，你等于是在強(qiáng)化本想去糾正的行為，從而教會(huì)他不要相信家長的教導(dǎo)和主張。

In the same vein, if you want to promote a behavior such as a love of learning, model that, too. Seek out new knowledge and experiences; learn something new just for the sake of learning. As teacher S.Q. wrote in an email, “Model intellectual curiosity and a visceral pleasure in learning. Not just the brainy stuff, but anything of interest (how to clean spark plugs, what kinds of wood work best on a wood lathe, what the fox says). Show your own interest in learning by reading, thinking aloud, wondering aloud.”

同樣的，如果你想在家中倡導(dǎo)某種行為，比如熱愛讀書，也得言傳身教。追尋新的知識(shí)，新的體驗(yàn);純粹是為了學(xué)習(xí)，而學(xué)某樣新的東西。正如S.Q.老師在郵件中寫到的那樣：“塑造對(duì)知識(shí)的渴求和對(duì)于學(xué)習(xí)內(nèi)在的愉悅。而且不要僅限于學(xué)習(xí)書本知識(shí)，而要了解各種感興趣的知識(shí)(怎樣清潔火花塞，用木工車床最適宜做哪一類的木工活，聽聽神曲《狐貍叫》)。要向孩子顯示自己對(duì)學(xué)習(xí)的熱情，你自己就得讀書、思考、說出心中的疑惑。”

5. Teach your children that mistakes aren’t signs of weakness but a vital part of growth and learning. Let your children see you fail, admit to your mistakes, and talk openly about how you have learned from those mistakes. As teacher K.M. wrote in an email, “Failure is part of the process. It’s what they do after they fail that matters. If you pick them up after their every failure, they learn nothing about how to begin again.”

5. 教會(huì)孩子，犯錯(cuò)并非軟弱的表現(xiàn)，而是成長和學(xué)習(xí)不可或缺的一部分。讓孩子們看到你失敗的樣子，承認(rèn)你犯了錯(cuò)，并且跟他們開誠布公地探討你從這些錯(cuò)誤中學(xué)到了什么。正如K.M.老師在郵件中所寫：“失敗是學(xué)習(xí)過程中的一部分。在失敗后做了些什么，這才至為關(guān)鍵。如果在孩子每次失敗后，你都越俎代庖，他們就沒法學(xué)會(huì)該如何走出第一步了。”