害羞的小孩需要矯正嗎

To Help a Shy Child, Listen

害羞的小孩需要矯正嗎

Toward the end of the summer, I was seeing a middle-school girl for a physical. The notes from a clinic visit last spring said she was a good student but didn’t talk enough in class. So I asked her: Is this still a problem for you?

今年暑假快結(jié)束時(shí)，一個(gè)上初中的女孩來(lái)我這兒進(jìn)行檢查。去年夏天她曾去了次診所，醫(yī)生的病歷顯示她是個(gè)好學(xué)生，但在班上發(fā)言不夠多。于是我問(wèn)她：這對(duì)你仍然構(gòu)成了問(wèn)題嗎?

I’m shy, she said. I’m just shy.

她說(shuō)，我有點(diǎn)怕羞，我只是有點(diǎn)怕羞。

Should I have turned to her mother and suggested — a counselor? An academic evaluation? Should I have probed further? How do you feel in school, do you have some friends, is anybody bullying you?

我應(yīng)當(dāng)找到她媽媽，然后建議她去咨詢專職輔導(dǎo)員?接受一次學(xué)術(shù)評(píng)估?還是進(jìn)一步深究下去呢：你在學(xué)校感覺(jué)怎么樣，你有朋友嗎?有人欺負(fù)你嗎?

Or should I have said: Lots of people are shy. It’s one of the healthy, normal styles of being human.

或者我應(yīng)當(dāng)這樣跟她們說(shuō)：很多人生性羞澀。生而為人，這是一種健康、正常的行為方式。

All of these responses, together, would have been correct. A child who is being bullied or bothered may be anxious about drawing attention to herself; a child who doesn’t ever talk in class may be holding back because some learning problem is getting in the way, making her self-conscious. So you do need to listen — especially to a child who talks less rather than more — and find ways to ask questions. Are you happy, anxious, afraid?

這些反應(yīng)累加在一起，也許是正確的。一個(gè)受到欺負(fù)或感到煩惱的孩子，也許會(huì)對(duì)自己招致別人的注意而感到不安;一個(gè)在班上根本不講話的孩子之所以這么壓抑，也許是因?yàn)榕龅搅四承W(xué)習(xí)上的苦惱，令她感到特別不好意思。所以，你需要去聆聽——對(duì)于一個(gè)特別沉默寡言的孩子來(lái)說(shuō)尤其是這樣——同時(shí)也要想辦法提問(wèn)。你快樂(lè)嗎?你焦慮或者害怕嗎?

But shyness is also part of the great and glorious range of the human normal. Two years ago, Kathleen Merikangas, a senior investigator at the National Institute of Mental Health, and her colleagues published a study of 10,000 older children, ranging from 13 to 18 years old. “We found that about half of kids in America describe themselves as shy,” she told me.

可是，羞澀同時(shí)也是人類常態(tài)中偉大而又輝煌的一部分。兩年前，美國(guó)心理健康研究中心(National Institute of Mental Health)的資深研究員凱瑟琳·梅利康加斯(Kathleen Merikangas)和同事們發(fā)表了一份涉及1萬(wàn)名年齡在13-18歲青少年的研究報(bào)告。“我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，約半數(shù)美國(guó)孩子表示自己生性羞澀，”她告訴我。

Common though it may be, our schools — and our broader culture — do not always celebrate the reserved and retiring. “Children who are shy, who don’t raise their hand, who don’t talk in class, are really penalized in this society,” Dr. Merikangas said.

盡管這是如此普遍的一種性格，但我們的學(xué)校——以及更廣闊的文化——通常并不會(huì)贊美保守與羞怯。“那些性格害羞，上課不喜歡舉手、不喜歡說(shuō)話的孩子，在社會(huì)中真的處于不利地位，”梅利康加斯博士說(shuō)。

I have heard it said that temperament was invented by the first parent to have a second child — that’s when parents realize that children come wired with many of the determinants of disposition and personality. What worked with Baby 1 doesn’t necessarily work with Baby 2. The analysis of temperament has been a topic of discussion in pediatrics and psychology for decades.

我曾聽說(shuō)過(guò)，氣質(zhì)這種概念是由第一對(duì)生了第二個(gè)孩子的父母發(fā)明的——父母發(fā)覺(jué)兩個(gè)孩子在性情和個(gè)性上竟然會(huì)如此迥異，令人困惑。對(duì)老大適用的那一套對(duì)老二可能完全用不上。幾十年來(lái)，兒科和心理學(xué)就氣質(zhì)分析這個(gè)話題始終在進(jìn)行著討論。

“Temperament is the largely inborn set of behaviors that are the style with which a person functions, not to be confused with their motivation or their developmental status and abilities,” said Dr. William B. Carey, a clinical professor of pediatrics at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and the author of “Understanding Your Child’s Temperament.”

“氣質(zhì)主要是與生俱來(lái)的那一套行為，它是一個(gè)人行事的風(fēng)格，別把這個(gè)跟人們的動(dòng)機(jī)或他們的發(fā)育狀態(tài)和能力混為一談了，”費(fèi)城兒童醫(yī)院兒科臨床教授威廉·B·凱里(William B. Carey)這樣說(shuō)道，他著有《理解子女氣質(zhì)》(Understanding Your Child’s Temperament)一書。

Shyness reflects a child’s place on the temperamental continuum, the part of it that involves dealing with new and unfamiliar circumstances. And starting a new school year may be hard on those who find new situations more difficult and more full of anxiety. What most children need is time to settle in, support from parents and teachers, and sometimes help making connections and participating in class.

羞澀折射出一個(gè)孩子在氣質(zhì)連續(xù)體(temperamental continuum)中的位置，它的部分作用在于應(yīng)對(duì)全新和陌生的環(huán)境。開始一個(gè)新學(xué)年，對(duì)于那些身處新環(huán)境會(huì)感覺(jué)更艱難、更焦慮的孩子來(lái)說(shuō)是件難事。大部分孩子在適應(yīng)的過(guò)程中需要的是時(shí)間以及父母和老師的支持，有時(shí)也需要旁人幫助才能在班上交到朋友、成為其中的一份子。

If a child is not more comfortable after a month or so, parents should look at whether more help is needed, said Anne Marie Albano, director of the Columbia University Clinic for Anxiety and Related Disorders. Treatment usually involves cognitive behavioral strategies to help the child cope with anxiety.

哥倫比亞大學(xué)(Columbia University)焦慮和相關(guān)失調(diào)癥診所主任安妮·瑪麗·阿爾巴諾(Anne Marie Albano)說(shuō)，如果過(guò)了一個(gè)來(lái)月，這個(gè)孩子仍然沒(méi)有感覺(jué)更加自如，家長(zhǎng)應(yīng)當(dāng)了解是否孩子還需要更多幫助。治療通常包含了各種認(rèn)知行為手段，以幫助孩子面對(duì)焦慮。

All ranges of temperament have their uncomfortable, or even pathological, outer zones. Just as there are children whose rambunctious eagerness to participate makes trouble for them in school or signals the presence of other problems, there are children whose silence is a shout for help.

各類個(gè)性都有其不安地帶，這種不安甚至是病態(tài)的。正如有些孩子在參與活動(dòng)中可以表現(xiàn)出難以按捺的熱情，這讓他們?cè)趯W(xué)校里制造了不少麻煩，或者暗示其存在其他問(wèn)題，也有些孩子的沉默本身就是一種尋求幫助的吶喊。

I’m struck by the parallels between the ways we discuss shyness and the ways we discuss impulsivity and hyperactivity. In both cases, there is concern about the risk of “pathologizing” children who are well within the range of normal and worry that we are too likely to medicate outliers. By this thinking, children who would once have been considered shy and quiet too often get antidepressants, just as children who would once have been considered lively and rambunctious too often get A.D.H.D. medications.

在探討羞澀的方式和探討沖動(dòng)多動(dòng)的方式間存在相似之處，對(duì)此我深感震驚。對(duì)于上述這兩種情形，人們都存在顧慮，認(rèn)為有將那些完全處在正常范圍內(nèi)的兒童“病態(tài)化”之虞，擔(dān)心我們動(dòng)輒就要治療稍微異端的人。這些人認(rèn)為，醫(yī)生往往輕易給那些表現(xiàn)得害羞、安靜的人開了抗抑郁藥，正如給那些以往表現(xiàn)得活潑鬧騰的人輕易開了醫(yī)治多動(dòng)癥的藥物一樣。

But the most important question is whether children are in distress. Dr. Merikangas’s study distinguished between the common trait of shyness and the psychiatric diagnosis of social phobia. Over all, about 5 percent of the adolescents in the study were severely restricted by social anxiety; they included some who described themselves as shy and some who did not. The authors questioned whether the debate about the “medicalization” of shyness might be obscuring the detection of the distinct signs of social phobia.

但是，最重要的問(wèn)題在于孩子們是否確實(shí)處在困境中。梅利康加斯博士的研究已經(jīng)將羞澀的共同特質(zhì)與社交恐懼癥的精神病學(xué)癥狀區(qū)分開來(lái)。在研究中，約有5%的青春期少年受到社交焦慮的嚴(yán)重制約;這當(dāng)中包括一些自稱個(gè)性怕羞的人，也包括一些并沒(méi)有這么覺(jué)得的人。作者因此提出了質(zhì)疑：對(duì)羞澀“以醫(yī)療的方式處理”的爭(zhēng)論，或許模糊了社交恐懼癥顯著跡象的識(shí)別。

For parents who simply want to help a shy child cope with, for example, a brand new classroom full of brand new people, consider rehearsing, scripting encounters and interactions. “The best thing they can do is do a role play and behavioral rehearsal ahead of time,” said Steven Kurtz, a senior clinician at the Child Mind Institute in Manhattan. Parents should “plan on rewarding the bravery.”

對(duì)于那些只是想要幫助害羞的子女面對(duì)特殊環(huán)境，比如說(shuō)全是陌生同學(xué)的陌生課堂時(shí)，可以考慮排演，設(shè)計(jì)見(jiàn)面與互動(dòng)的情節(jié)。“家長(zhǎng)最好是能提前進(jìn)行一次角色扮演，進(jìn)行行為預(yù)演，”曼哈頓的兒童心理研究所(Child Mind Institute)資深臨床醫(yī)生斯蒂文·庫(kù)爾茨(Steven Kurtz)說(shuō)。家長(zhǎng)還應(yīng)當(dāng)“計(jì)劃對(duì)孩子的勇敢舉動(dòng)作出獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)”。

But don’t take over. “The danger point is rescuing too soon, too often, too much, so the kids don’t develop coping mechanisms,” said Dr. Kurtz.

但不要越俎代庖。“過(guò)快、過(guò)頻、過(guò)多出手相助，這些都是危險(xiǎn)點(diǎn)，因?yàn)檫@樣一來(lái)，孩子自己就不會(huì)鍛煉出應(yīng)對(duì)技巧了，”庫(kù)爾茨醫(yī)生說(shuō)。

Cognitive behavioral therapy relies on “successive approximations,” in which children slowly close in on the behaviors they are hoping to achieve. In that spirit, a parent might arrange to meet another parent on the way to school, so a shy child can walk with another and bond. A teacher might look for the right partner to pair up with a shy child for cooperative activities in the classroom.

認(rèn)知行為療法依靠的是“逐次逼近法”，兒童逐步通過(guò)治療，接近他們希望取得的行為。從這個(gè)理念出發(fā)，家長(zhǎng)也許可以安排好在上學(xué)的路上與別的家庭碰頭，這樣，害羞的孩子也可以跟別的小孩一起走走，學(xué)習(xí)相處。老師可以為害羞的孩子尋找適合的小伙伴，在學(xué)校里共同參與需要協(xié)力進(jìn)行的活動(dòng)。

“Probably the worst thing to do is to say, ‘Don’t be shy. Don’t be quiet,’ ” Dr. Merikangas told me. This is not about trying to change the child’s temperament. It’s about respecting and honoring temperament and variation, and helping children navigate the world with their own instruments.

“也許最糟糕的做法，就是對(duì)孩子說(shuō)，‘你別不好意思了，你別老是不說(shuō)話了，’”梅利康加斯博士告訴我。目的不是要試圖扭轉(zhuǎn)孩子的個(gè)性。而是要尊重并敬畏人們與生俱來(lái)的個(gè)性與不同，同時(shí)幫助孩子們運(yùn)用自己的力量，在這個(gè)世界里馳騁。