雙語·《刀鋒》 第六章 三

CHAPTER SIX 3
第六章 三

I met Larry by chance. I had asked Isabel about him and she told me that since their return from La Baule they hadseen little of him.She and Gray had by now made a number of friends for themselves, people of their own generation, and they were more often engaged than during the pleasant weeks when the four of us were so much together.One evening I went to the Théatre Fran?ais to see Bérénice.I had read it of course, but had never seen it played, and since it is seldom given I was unwilling to miss the opportunity.It is not one of Racine’s best plays, for the subject is too tenuous to support five acts, but it is moving and contains passages that are justly famous.The story is founded on a brief passage in Tacitus：Titus, who loved Bérénice, Queen of Palestine, with passion and who had even, as was supposed, promised her marriage, for reasons of state sent her away from Rome during the first days of his reign in despite of his desires and in despite of hers.For the Senate and the people of Rome were violently opposed to their Emperor’s alliance with a foreign queen.The play is concerned with the struggle in his breast between love and duty, and when he falters, it is Bérénice who in the end, assured that he loves her, confirms his purpose and separates herself from him for ever.
我和拉里相逢，純屬偶然。我曾經(jīng)向伊莎貝爾打聽過他，伊莎貝爾說自打從拉波勒歸來，幾乎再也沒有見過他的面。她和格雷此時已有了自己的朋友圈，都是同一代的人，經(jīng)常聚會，比我們四個人時常在一起時的那些快樂日子忙得多。一天傍晚，我去法蘭西劇院看《貝蕾妮絲》。這個劇本我當(dāng)然是讀過的，卻沒看過它在戲臺上的表演。由于這是難得一見的盛況，我哪能錯過。該劇并非拉辛最優(yōu)秀的作品，題材太單薄，不足以構(gòu)成五幕劇，但情節(jié)感人肺腑，有幾段可以說是膾炙人口。該劇是根據(jù)塔西佗短短的一段歷史史料虛構(gòu)的，講的是提多和巴勒斯坦女王貝蕾妮絲的愛情故事。提多曾情迷貝蕾妮絲，甚至山盟海誓，要娶她為妻，可后來一登基當(dāng)上皇帝，為了國家的利益，竟然違背自己的心愿，也不顧貝蕾妮絲的感情，將她送出了羅馬城。這是因為元老院和羅馬的人民都反對自己的皇帝和一個外國女王結(jié)合。劇本圍繞著提多的心理斗爭而展開——他徘徊于愛情和職責(zé)之間，難以抉擇；貝蕾妮絲知道他愛自己，也理解他的處境，便永遠地離開了他。

I suppose only a Frenchman can appreciate to the full the grace and grandeur of Racine and the music of his verse, but even a foreigner, once he has accustomed himself to the periwigged formality of the style, can hardly fail to be moved by his passionate tenderness and by the nobility of his sentiment. Racine knew as few have done how much drama is contained in the human voice.To me at all events the roll of those mellifluous Alexandrines is a sufficient substitute for action, and I find the long speeches, worked up with infinite skill to the expected climax, every bit as thrilling as any hair-raising adventure of the movies.
恐怕只有法國人能夠充分欣賞拉辛飛揚的文采和詞句里所包含的優(yōu)美的音律。不過，即便是外國人，一旦熟悉了他那“戴假發(fā)”的藝術(shù)風(fēng)格，便不由得會為那種繾綣柔情和高尚情懷所打動。很少有人能像拉辛那樣懂得臺詞里包含著多么感人的戲劇成分。我覺得他的那種流暢的亞歷山大體詩句足以彌補情節(jié)上的欠缺，劇中人的長篇宏論采用高超的處理手法將劇情推向預(yù)期的高潮，和電影里驚險的鏡頭一樣扣人心弦。

There was an interval after the third act and I went out to smoke a cigarette in the foyer over which presides Houdon's Voltaire with his toothless, sardonic grin. Someone touched me on the shoulder.I turned round, perhaps with a slight movement of annoyance, for I wanted to be left with the exaltation with which those sonorous lines had filled me, and saw Larry.As always, I was glad to see him.It was a year since I had set eyes on him, and I suggested that at the end of the play we should meet and have a glass of beer together.Larry said he was hungry, for he had had no dinner, and proposed that we should go to Montmartre.We found one another in due course and stepped out into the open.The Théatre Fran?ais has a musty fug that is peculiar to it.It is impregnated with the body odour of those unnumbered generations of sour-faced, unwashed women called ouvreuses who show you to your seat and domineeringly await their tip.It was a relief to get into the fresh air, and since the night was fine we walked.The arc lamps in the Avenue de I’Opéra glared so defiantly that the stars above, as though too proud to compete, shrouded their brightness in the dark of their infinite distance.As we walked we spoke of the performance we had just seen.Larry was disappointed.He would have liked it to be more natural, the lines spoken as people naturally speak and the gestures less theatrical.I thought his point of view mistaken.It was rhetoric, magnificent rhetoric, and I had a notion that it should be spoken rhetorically.I liked the regular thump of the rhymes；and the stylized gestures, handed down in a long tradition, seemed to me to suit the temper of that formal act.I could not but think that that was how Racine would have wished his play to be played.I had admired the way in which the actors had contrived to be human, passionate, and true within the limitations that confined them.Art is triumphant when it can use convention as an instrument of its own purpose.
第三幕演完后是幕間休息。我走出劇場到大廳里抽煙。那兒聳立著一尊出自于烏東之手的伏爾泰雕像——伏爾泰咧著一張沒有牙齒的嘴在諷刺地微笑。突然，有人在我的肩上拍了拍。我轉(zhuǎn)過身去，感到有點氣惱，因為我不愿受到打攪，只想獨自享受那些精彩的臺詞給我的心里帶來的喜悅。誰知竟是拉里！和往常一樣，一見他，我感到由衷的高興。有一年沒見過面了。我提議戲劇散場后去喝上一杯。拉里說自己沒吃晚飯，肚子餓了，建議看完戲后去蒙馬特高地。劇終，我們倆又見了面，然后一起走到大街上。法蘭西劇院有一種特殊的霉味，而這種霉味跟一代又一代女招待員身上的氣味混雜在一起。這些女招待員很少洗澡，老是哭喪著臉，把觀眾領(lǐng)到座位前便賴著不走，硬等著觀眾給她們小費。從這樣的地方走到外邊呼吸新鮮的空氣，會叫你感到渾身輕松。這是一個美好的夜晚，于是我們漫步走去。歌劇院大街的路燈亮晃晃的，顯得傲氣十足，天上的群星好像不屑跟它們爭奇斗艷，于是便將自身的光華隱匿在了無邊無際的黑暗之中。我們一邊走，一邊談?wù)撝鴦偛趴吹膽?。拉里感到失望。他倒是希望演戲能演得自然一些，說臺詞就像平時說話一樣，姿勢沒必要那么過于戲劇化。而我認為他的觀點是錯誤的。該劇以辭藻勝，而且使用華麗的辭藻，所以我覺得說臺詞就應(yīng)該拿腔拿調(diào)的。我喜歡演員在遇到韻腳時便頓一下加以強調(diào)，喜歡他們那格式化的姿勢——這種形式有著悠久的歷史，是傳承下來的傳統(tǒng)，似乎很適合于這種偏重形式的藝術(shù)格調(diào)。我敢說，拉辛一定會愿意讓自己的劇本以這種形式加以表演。在重重的限制之下，演員們卻能發(fā)揮自己的才能，演出了人情味，演出了熾熱的感情，真是叫我折服。藝術(shù)把傳統(tǒng)拿來己用，為的是實現(xiàn)自身的目的——這是藝術(shù)之勝利。

We reached the Avenue de Clichy and went into the Brasserie Graf. It was not long past midnight and the room was crowded, but we found a table and ordered ourselves eggs and bacon.I told Larry I had seen Isabel.
我們到了克利希大街，走進格拉夫餐館。餐館里人滿為患，不過，我們還是找到了一張桌子，點了雞蛋和火腿。我告訴拉里，說我見到伊莎貝爾了。

“Gray will be glad to get back to America，”he said.“He's a fish out of water here. He won't be happy till he's at work again.I dare say he'll make a lot of money.”
“能回到美國去，格雷會非常高興的?！彼f道，“在這兒，他就像是魚兒離開了水。除非能重返職場，否則他不會快活的。我敢說，他一定能掙很多錢?！?/p>

“If he does it'll be due to you. You not only cured him in body, but in spirit as well.You restored his confidence in himself.”
“如果他能成功，也都是虧了你。你不但治愈了他的身體，也治愈了他的心靈。你使他恢復(fù)了自信?！?/p>

“I did very little. I merely showed him how to cure himself.”
“這是雕蟲小技。我只不過向他展示一種方法，讓他自我救治?！?/p>

“How did you learn to do that little?”
“這個雕蟲小技你是怎么學(xué)來的呢？”

“By accident. It was when I was in India.I'd been suffering from insomnia and happened to mention it to an old Yogi I knew and he said he'd soon settle that.He did just what you saw me do with Gray and that night I slept as I hadn't slept for months.And then, a year later it must have been, I was in the Himalayas with an Indian friend of mineand he sprained his ankle.It was impossible to get a doctor and he was in great pain.I thought I'd try to do what the old Yogi had done, and it worked.You can believe it or not, he was completely relieved of the pain.”Larry laughed.“I can assure you, no one was more surprised than I.There's nothing to it really；it only means putting the idea into the sufferer’s mind.”
“完全得之于偶然。當(dāng)時我在印度，正遭受失眠之苦。一次，我把此事給自己認識的一個老瑜伽師隨便提了一下，誰知他說馬上為我治療。他的治療方法就跟你看見我給格雷治病的方法是一樣的。結(jié)果，那天夜里我睡得很好——我已經(jīng)很長時間沒能睡得那么香了。后來，大概是在一年之后吧，我和一位印度朋友爬喜馬拉雅山，他把腳給崴了。跟前找不到醫(yī)生，他疼得要死。我心想不妨照那個老瑜伽師的辦法試一試，誰知竟然奏效了。不管你相信不相信，他的疼痛徹底消失了?！闭f到此處，拉里哈哈大笑，“我可以向你保證，我當(dāng)時比任何人都感到意外。其實，沒有什么神秘的，你只不過把想法輸入到病人的腦子里罷了?！?/p>

“Easier said than done.”
“說起來容易，做起來難。”

“Would it surprise you if your arm raised itself from the table without any volition of yours?”
“如果你的胳膊不由自主地從桌子上抬起來，你會感到意外嗎？”

“Very much.”
“非常意外。”

“It will. My Indian friend told people what I'd done when we got back to civilization and he brought others to see me.I hated doing it, because I couldn't quite understand it, but they insisted.Somehow or other I did them good.I found I was able to relieve people not only of pain but of fear.It's strange how many people suffer from it.I don't mean fear of closed spaces and fear of heights, but fear of death and, what's worse, fear of life.Often they’re people who seem in the best of health, prosperous, without any worry, and yet they’re tortured by it.I’ve sometimes thought it was the most besetting humour of men, and I asked myself at one time if it was due to some deep animal instinct that man has inherited from that primeval some-thing that first felt the thrill of life.”
“情況就是這樣。那次回到文明世界后，我的那個印度朋友把我妙手回春的本事告訴了人們，并帶了一些病人來。我堅決不愿意出手，因為我壓根就不知道那到底是怎么回事，可他們硬纏著我不放。后來，我鬼使神差地竟然把他們?nèi)魏昧恕Ｎ野l(fā)現(xiàn)自己不但能治愈病痛，而且能驅(qū)除恐懼。奇怪的是，許多人都患有恐懼癥，不是怕幽閉、怕高，而是怕死，更為糟糕的是怕活著。他們往往看上去好像身體健康、事業(yè)發(fā)達，無憂無慮的，其實深受恐懼癥的折磨。有時我心想這恐怕是一種最惱人的心理狀況，懷疑它是一種根深蒂固的動物本能，是人類從第一次感到生命戰(zhàn)栗的原始生物那兒繼承來的。”

I was listening to Larry with expectation, for it was not often that he spoke at any length, and I had an inkling that for once he felt communicative. Perhaps the play we had just seen had released some inhibition and the rhythm of its sonorous cadences, as music will, had overcome his instinctive reserve.Suddenly I realized that something was happening to my hand.I had not given another thought to Larry's half-laughing question.I was conscious that my hand no longer rested on the table, but was raised an inch above it without my willing it.I was taken aback.I looked at it and saw that it trembled slightly.I felt a queer tingling in the nerves of my arm, a little jerk, and my hand and forearm lifted of themselves, I to the best of my belief neither aiding nor resisting, until they were several inches from the table.Then I felt my whole arm being raised from the shoulder.
他很少說這么多的話，我一邊聽，一邊心里暗暗希望他繼續(xù)說下去。我有一種感覺——他總算把話匣子打開了。也許，方才看的那出戲劇解除了他的部分戒心，劇中人字正腔圓、抑揚頓挫的臺詞像音樂一般影響了他的情緒，使得他克服了天生的拘謹。突然間，我感到自己的手發(fā)生了變化。剛才對拉里那半開玩笑的提問并沒有在意，現(xiàn)在我卻覺察到自己的手已不再放在桌面上了，而是不由自主地抬起，離開桌面有一英寸的樣子。我吃了一驚，瞧了瞧它，發(fā)現(xiàn)它微微有點顫抖。我覺得胳膊上的神經(jīng)有點發(fā)麻，感到它抽搐了一下，隨后，手和小臂自己就抬了起來。我干脆聽之任之，既不幫助也不抑制。它們離桌面有好幾英寸，最后，整條胳膊舉過了肩頭。

“This is very odd，”I said.
“這真是太奇怪了。”我說道。

Larry laughed. I made the slightest effort of will and my hand fell back on to the table.
拉里哈哈大笑。我稍稍用意志加以控制，那只手便落回到了桌面上。

“It's nothing，”he said.“Don't attach any importance to it.”
“雕蟲小技，”他說，“不必當(dāng)真?！?/p>

“Were you taught that by the Yogi you spoke to us about when you first came back from India?”
“你剛從印度回來時曾跟我們提到過一位瑜伽師。這一套是不是他教給你的？”

“Oh no, he had no patience with that kind of thing. I don't know whether he believed that he possessed the powers that some Yogis claim to have, but he would have thought it puerile to exercise them.”
“哦，不是他教的。他才沒有耐心理會這種事情呢。一些瑜伽師自稱具有神力，我不知他是否也有這種自信心，但有一點是明確的——他覺得這般賣弄是幼稚之舉?！?/p>

Our eggs and bacon arrived and we ate them with good appetite. We drank our beer.Neither of us spoke.Larry was thinking of I knew not what and I was thinking of him.We finished.I lit a cigarette and he lit a pipe.
說話間，我們點的雞蛋和火腿送來了。我們狼吞虎咽吃了起來，一邊還喝著啤酒，誰都沒有再說話。我不知他在想什么，而我的心里則在思索著他的情況。飯后，我點起一根紙煙，他則抽他的煙斗。

“What made you go to India in the first place?”I asked abruptly.
“當(dāng)初你為什么要去印度？”我冷不丁問道。

“Chance. At least I thought so at the time.Now I'm inclined to think it was the inevitable outcome of my years in Europe.Almost all the people who've had most effect on me I seem to have met by chance, yet looking back it seems as though I couldn't but have met them.It's as if they were waiting there to be called upon when I needed them.I went to India because I wanted a rest.I'd been working very hard and wished to sort out my thoughts.I got a job as a deck hand on one of those pleasure-cruise ships that go around the world.It was going to the East and through the Panama Canal to New York.I hadn’t been to America for five years and I was homesick.I was depressed.You know how ignorant I was when we first met in Chicago all those years ago.I’d read an awful lot in Europe and seen a lot, but I was no nearer than when I started to what I was looking for.”
“上天的安排。至少我當(dāng)時是這么想的?，F(xiàn)在我倒覺得自己在歐洲多年，到那兒去是一種必然結(jié)果。對我影響至深的人，似乎只是偶然相遇，而今回想起來，則好像有著很大的必然性。他們仿佛一直在等著我，等著我在必要的時候和他們相逢。我去印度，是因為我的身心需要得到休息——多年來，我孜孜以求，渴望理清自己的思緒。我登上一艘周游世界的豪華游輪，在甲板上當(dāng)服務(wù)生，開往東方，又穿過巴拿馬運河駛向紐約。五年未回美國了，思鄉(xiāng)情油然而生。多年前你我初次相遇于芝加哥時，你也知道我當(dāng)時是多么無知。到了歐洲，我讀書破萬卷，目睹世間千般變化，但離我上下求索的目標仍相去甚遠。”

I wanted to ask him what that was, but had a feeling that he'd just laugh, shrug his shoulders, and say it was a matter of no consequence.
我原想問問他究竟是什么目標，卻又覺得他肯定會付之一笑，聳聳肩，回說不值得一提。

“But why did you go as a deck hand?”I asked instead.“You had money.”
“你也不缺錢，為什么要到游輪上打工呢？”我轉(zhuǎn)而問道。

“I wanted the experience. Whenever I've got water-logged spiritually, whenever I've absorbed all I can for the time, I've found it useful to do something of that sort.That winter, after Isabel and I broke off our engagement, I worked in a coal-mine near Lens for six months.”
“我想體驗一下生活嘛。一旦心里出現(xiàn)飽和狀態(tài)，想讀書也讀不進去時，我發(fā)現(xiàn)換換環(huán)境大有益處。我和伊莎貝爾解除婚約的那年冬天，我曾到蘭斯那兒下煤窯，干了有半年的時間。”

It was then that he told me of those incidents that I have narrated in a previous chapter.
他就是在這個時候講述了那段經(jīng)歷，此事已在前邊的一章里做過交代。

“Were you sore when Isabel threw you over?”
“伊莎貝爾跟你分手，你心里難過嗎？”

Before he answered he looked at me for some time with those strangely black eyes of his that seemed then to look inwards rather than out.
在回答之前，他打量著我，把我看了一會兒——他的眼睛出奇的黑，似乎不是在看我，而是在看他的內(nèi)心深處。

“Yes. I was very young.I'd made up my mind that we were going to marry.I'd made plans for the life that we were going to lead together.I expected it to be lovely.”He laughed faintly.“But it takes two to make a marriage just as it takes two to make a quarrel.It had never occurred to me that the life I offered Isabel was a life that filled her with dismay.If I'd had any sense I'd never have suggested it.She was too young and ardent.I couldn't blame her.I couldn’t yield.”
“是的。我那時年輕，太重感情。之前，我一門心思要跟她結(jié)婚，曾經(jīng)做出了規(guī)劃，要和她共度人生，期望生活美滿?！闭f到這里，他淡然一笑，“吵架是一個巴掌拍不響，結(jié)婚也是這個道理，得有兩個人參與才行。萬萬沒想到，我給伊莎貝爾提供的生活竟會叫她大失所望。我如果懂得一點人情世故的話，就不應(yīng)該那樣做。她年輕，熱愛生活。我不能怪她，但我自己也不愿委曲求全。”

It's just possible that the reader will remember that on his flight from the farm, after that grotesque encounter with the farmer's widowed daughter-in-law, he had gone to Bonn. I was anxious to get him to continue, but knew I must be careful not to ask more direct questions than I could help.
讀者可能還記得，他和那個農(nóng)場主守寡的兒媳發(fā)生了不干不凈的關(guān)系之后，便倉皇逃跑，取道去了波恩。我急于聽他說下去，卻情知必須當(dāng)心，盡量不問敏感的問題。

“I've never been to Bonn，”I said.“When I was a boy I spent some time as a student at Heidelberg. It was, I think, the happiest time of my life.”
“我沒去過波恩，”我說道，“小的時候，我倒是在海德堡上過學(xué)。那恐怕是我一生中最快樂的時候了。”

“I liked Bonn. I spent a year there.I got a room in the house of the widow of one of the professors at the university who took in a couple of boarders.She and her two daughters, both of them middle-aged, did the cooking and the house-work.I found my fellow boarder was a Frenchman and I was disappointed at first because I wanted to speak nothing but German；but he was an Alsatian and he spoke German, if not more fluently, with a better accent than he spoke French.He was dressed like a German pastor and I was surprised to find out after a few days that he was a Benedictine monk.He's been granted leave of absence from his monastery to make researches at the university library.He was a very learned man, but he didn't look it any more than he looked like my idea of a monk.He was a tall, stout fellow, with sandy hair, prominent blue eyes, and a red, round face.He was shy and reserved and didn't seem to want to have anything much to do with me, but he was very polite in a rather elaborate way and always took a civil part in the conversation at table；I only saw him then；as soon as we had finished dinner he went back to work at the library, and after supper, when I sat in the parlour improving my German with whichever of the two daughters wasn't washing up, he retired to his room.
我喜歡波恩，在那兒住了有一年的時間。我是住在波恩大學(xué)的一個教授遺孀家里，租賃了他們家的一個房間。他們家平時老住著一兩個房客。遺孀有二女，均已步入中年，負責(zé)烹飪和操持家務(wù)。另有一個房客是法國人。起初我有點失望，因為我只想練德語，不愿說別的語言。不過后來發(fā)現(xiàn)他是個阿爾薩斯人，操一口德語——他的德語即便不如他的法語說得流暢，其語音語調(diào)也勝于他的法語。他的穿著像個牧師。幾天后，我意外地得知他竟然是個本篤會修士。他獲得修道院的批準，來波恩大學(xué)的圖書館搞研究工作。他是個知識淵博的人，但表面上看和我心目中的修士并無兩樣。他高個子，體格魁梧，沙色的頭發(fā)，一雙藍眼睛炯炯有神，臉兒又紅又圓。他生性靦腆，有點拘謹，似乎不愿意跟我多說話。不過，他非常懂禮貌，處事周到，一道進餐時總是客客氣氣的。只有在吃飯時，才能見上他的面。午飯一完，他就回圖書館工作；吃過晚飯，他則一頭鉆進他自己的房間，而我坐在客廳里跟寡婦的一個女兒聊天（另一個女兒在洗碗），練習(xí)說德語。

“I was surprised when one afternoon, after I'd been there at least a month, he asked me if I'd care to take a walk with him. He said he could show me places in the neighbourhood that he didn't think I'd be likely to discover for myself.I'm a pretty good walker, but he could outwalk me any day.We must have covered a good fifteen miles on that first walk.He asked me what I was doing in Bonn, and I said I’d come to learn German and get to know something about German literature.He talked very intelligently.He said he’d be glad to help me in any way he could.After that we went for walks two or three times a week.I discovered that he’d taught philosophy for some years.When I was in Paris I’d read a certain amount, Spinoza and Plato and Descartes, but I hadn’t read any of the great German philosophers and I was only too glad to listen while he talked about them.One day, when we’d made an excursion across the Rhine and were sitting in a beer-garden drinking a glass of beer, he asked me if I was a Protestant.
這樣至少過了有一個月，一天下午，他問我愿不愿意和他出去散步，這倒叫我頗感意外。他說可以帶我在附近走走，有些地方靠我自己找是找不到的。我是個很能走的人，而他更能走，讓我甘拜下風(fēng)。第一次散步，我們走了足足有十五英里。他問我來波恩干什么，我說來學(xué)德文，并且想熟悉一下德國文學(xué)。他的談吐充滿了智慧。他說他會盡其所能地幫助我。那以后，我們每星期都要出去散兩三次步。我得知他是教哲學(xué)的，已有些年頭了。在巴黎時，我讀過一些哲學(xué)著作，斯賓諾莎的，柏拉圖的，也有笛卡兒的，而德國那些大哲學(xué)家的著作我卻一本也沒有讀過。能聽他講講德國的哲學(xué)家，令我喜出望外。一天，我們到萊茵河對岸去散步，坐在一個酒莊里喝啤酒，他問我是不是新教徒。

“‘I suppose so，'I said.
‘也算是吧?！一卮鹫f。

“He gave me a quick look and I thought I saw in his eyes the glimmer of a smile. He began to talk about Aeschylus；I'd been learning Greek, you know, and he knew the great tragedians as I could never hope to know them.It was inspiring to hear him.I wondered why he'd suddenly asked me that question.My guardian, Uncle Bob Nelson, was an agnostic, but he went to church regularly because his patients expected it of him and sent me to Sunday school for the same reason.Martha, our help, was a rigid Baptist and she used to frighten my childhood by telling me of the hell fire to which the sinner would be condemned to all eternity.She took a real delight in picturing to me the agonies that would be endured by the various people in the village whom for some reason or other she had had it in for.
“他飛快地掃了我一眼，我覺得他的眼睛里閃出一絲笑意。接下來，他便談?wù)撈鸢Ｋ箮炝_斯。你知道我是學(xué)過希臘語的，可是他對古希臘悲劇作家的了解之深，是我望塵莫及的。聽他談古論今，叫我茅塞頓開。只是一點令我不解，不知道他為何突然問我是不是新教徒。我的監(jiān)護人納爾遜叔叔是個不可知論者，但他照樣去做禮拜，因為他的病人期望他這樣做。他送我上主日學(xué)校，也是出自同樣的考慮。我們家的女傭瑪莎是一個不折不扣的浸禮會教徒。我小的時候，她老給我講地獄之火的故事，說罪人將被送進地獄受罰，永無寧日，聽得我心驚膽戰(zhàn)。她和村里的一些人因為某種原因有了過節(jié)，她便詛咒他們，繪聲繪色地向我描述那些人在地獄之火里怎樣經(jīng)受痛苦的折磨，從中獲得快感。

“By winter I'd got to know Father Ensheim very well. I think he was rather a remarkable man.I never saw him vexed.He was good-natured and kindly, far more broad-minded than I would have expected, and wonderfully tolerant.His erudition was prodigious and he must have known how ignorant I was, but he used to talk to me as though I were as learned as he.He was very patient with me.He seemed to want nothing but to be of service to me.One day, I don't know why, I had an attack of lumbago, and Frau Grabau, my landlady, insisted on putting me to bed with hot-water-bottles.Father Ensheim, hearing I was laid up, came into my room to see me, after supper.Except that I was in a good deal of pain I felt perfectly well.You know what bookish people are, they're inquisitive about books, and as I put down the book I was reading when he came in, he took it up and looked at the title.It was a book about Meister Eckhart that I'd found at a bookseller's in the town.He asked me why I was reading it, so I said that I’d been going through a certain amount of mystical literature and told him about Kosti and how he’d aroused my interest in the subject.He surveyed me with his prominent blue eyes and there was a look in them that I can only describe as amused tender-ness.I had the feeling that he found me rather ridiculous, but felt so much loving-kindness towards me that he didn’t like me any the less.Anyhow, I’ve never much minded if people thought me a bit of a fool.
時至冬日，我對恩斯海姆神父已經(jīng)有了相當(dāng)深的了解，覺得他是個十分了不起的人。我從未見他跟誰生過氣。他總是那樣的溫和、善良，胸襟之開闊超出我的想象，待人寬容大度。他博學(xué)多聞，我是幾斤幾兩他肯定心中有數(shù)，但對待我卻好像我跟他一樣有學(xué)問似的。對我，他從不缺乏耐心，似乎別無所圖，只求為我效力。一天，不知怎么，我的腰突然疼了起來。女房東格雷博夫人硬要我上床休息，用熱水袋暖一暖。恩斯海姆神父聽說我臥病在床，晚飯后跑來看我。除了腰疼得厲害，我感覺身體還是挺好的。你也知道，但凡書蟲，對于書都有著特別強烈的興趣。我原來正在看書，見他進來，就把書放下了。他拿起那本書，看了看書名。那是一本介紹邁斯特·埃克納特的書，是我在城里的一個書攤買來的。他問我為什么看這種書，我說自己曾經(jīng)涉獵過一些有關(guān)神秘主義的著作，并且和他談到考斯迪以及考斯迪是怎樣引起我對神秘主義產(chǎn)生興趣的。他用那雙炯炯有神的藍眼睛打量著我，眼睛里有一種神情——那種神情只能被解讀為溫情。他一定覺得我很可笑，竟然看這種書，但還會照樣喜歡我的，絕不會因此而減弱他對我的感情。至于別人是不是把我看得有點蠢，我反正歷來都是不在乎的。

“‘What are you looking for in these books?'he asked me.
‘看這種書，你想尋找什么呢？’他問我。

“‘If I knew that，'I answered，‘I'd at least be on the way to finding it.'
‘我要是知道的話，’我回答，‘就直接去尋找了?！?/p>

“‘Do you remember my asking you if you were a Protestant?You said you supposed so. What did you mean by that?'
‘我曾經(jīng)問你是不是新教徒，還記得嗎？你說你還算是個新教徒，這是什么意思？’

“‘I was brought up as one，'I said.
‘我從小就是被當(dāng)作新教徒教養(yǎng)的?！掖鸬?。

“‘Do you believe in God?'he asked.
‘你相信上帝嗎？’他問。

“I don't like personal questions and my first impulse was to tell him that was no business of his. But there was so much goodness in his aspect that I felt it impossible to affront him.I didn't know what to say；I didn't want to answer yes and I didn't want to answer no.It may have been the pain I was suffering that enabled me to speak or it may have been something in him.Anyhow, I told him about myself.”
“我不喜歡別人問我的私事，所以一沖動，想讓他別管閑事?？墒且娝麧M臉的和善，我就不忍心頂撞他了。我左右為難，不知是該說相信好，還是說不相信好。后來也可能是腰疼讓我忘記了自己的底線，要不然就是因為他身上的某樣?xùn)|西感動了我。反正我開口講述了我的人生經(jīng)歷?！?/p>

Larry hesitated for a moment, and when he went on I knew he wasn't speaking to me but to the Benedictine monk. He had forgotten me.I don't know what there was in the time or the place that enabled him to speak, without my prompting, of what his natural reticence had so long concealed.
說到此處，拉里停頓了一下，當(dāng)他再次拾起話頭時，我感覺他不是在對我講話，而是在向那個本篤會修士陳述了。他忘記了我在跟前。不知是因為時間的關(guān)系還是地點的影響，反正他一吐為快，不用我催促，將一直壓在心頭的事情講了出來。

“Uncle Bob Nelson was very democratic and he sent me to the high school at Marvin. It was only because Louisa Bradley nagged him into it that when I was fourteen he let me go to St.Paul's.I wasn't very good at anything, either at work or games, but I fitted in all right.I think I was an entirely normal boy.I was crazy about aviation.Those were the early days of flying and Uncle Bob was as excited about it as I was.He knew some of the airmen, and when I said I wanted to learn to fly he said he'd fix it for me.I was tall for my age and when I was sixteen I could easily pass for eighteen.Uncle Bob made me promise to keep it a secret, because he knew everyone would be down on him like a ton of bricks for letting me go, but as a matter of fact he helped me to get over to Canada and gave me a letter to someone he knew, and the result was that by the time I was seventeen I was flying in France.
鮑勃·納爾遜叔叔很民主，送我進的是馬文中學(xué)。后來架不住路易莎·布雷德利伯母的再三勸說，到了我十四歲時，他讓我進了圣保羅中學(xué)。無論是功課還是體育，我都不怎么行，只是勉強過得去。我覺得自己那時是個十分正常的孩子，對飛行特別著迷。那時候，飛行還處在早期階段，鮑勃叔叔和我一樣，一提起飛行便激動不已。他認識幾個飛行員；當(dāng)我說想要學(xué)飛行時，他就說愿意為我想辦法。我年紀雖小，個子卻長得高，十六歲就完全可以冒充十八歲了。鮑勃叔叔叮囑我務(wù)必保守秘密，因為他明白一旦鄰里知道他讓我去當(dāng)飛行員，一定會招來鋪天蓋地的譴責(zé)。其實，是他幫助我跑到加拿大，給我一封介紹信去見他的一位熟人。結(jié)果，我十七歲就已經(jīng)翱翔于法國的藍天了。

“They were terrible gimcrack planes we flew in then, and you practically took your life in your hands each time you went up. The heights we got to were absurd, judged by present standards, but we didn't know any better and thought it wonderful.I loved flying.I couldn't describe the feeling it gave me, I only knew I felt proud and happy.In the air, way up, I felt that I was part of something very great and very beautiful.I didn't know what it was all about, I only knew that I wasn't alone any more, by myself as I was, two thousand feet up, but that I belonged.I can't help it if it sounds silly.When I was flying above the clouds and they were like an enormous flock of sheep below me I felt that I was at home with infinitude.”
“那時候，我們駕駛的飛機都是些廉價的破爛貨，每次飛上天都是玩命。那時的飛行高度，拿現(xiàn)在的標準衡量，簡直低得可笑?？晌覀冇植恢肋@些，只知道那感覺美妙極了。我愛飛行，真不知該如何形容當(dāng)時的感受，只覺得內(nèi)心自豪和幸福。在天上，飛得高高的，周圍廣闊無垠、美不勝收，而自己就是其中的一個部分。不明白是什么原因，反正到了兩千英尺的高度，我就感到不再孤獨了，不再是一個人獨處了，而是有所屬了。這話聽上去有點蠢，但這的確是我當(dāng)時的感受。飛翔在高空，腳下有朵朵的白云，那白云就像是一大群綿羊一樣。我恬然自得，覺得自己和無限的空間已融為一體?！?/p>

Larry paused. He gazed at me from the caverns of his impenetrable eyes, but I did not know whether he saw me.
拉里停了一下，目光從他那深不可測的眼窩里盯著我。真不知他是看我還是看別處。

“I'd known that men had been killed by the hundred thousand, but I hadn't seen them killed. It didn't mean very much to me.Then I saw a dead man with my own eyes.The sight filled me with shame.”
“我知道有成千上萬的人死于非命，但我沒有親眼所見，故而對我影響不大。后來親眼見一個人戰(zhàn)死，我心里感到非常惋惜?！?/p>

“Shame?”I exclaimed involuntarily.
“惋惜？”我情不自禁地脫口而出。

“Shame, because that boy, he was only three or four years older than me, who'd had such energy and daring, who a moment before had had so much vitality, who'd been so good, was now just mangled flesh that looked as if it had neverbeen alive.”
“說惋惜，那是因為他是個小伙子，比我才大上三四歲，生龍活虎的，天不怕地不怕。轉(zhuǎn)眼間，一個精力充沛、心地善良的人就變成了一具血肉模糊的軀體，看上去好像從未有過生命似的?！?/p>

I didn't say anything. I had seen dead men when I was a medical student and I had seen many more during the war.What had dismayed me was how trifling they looked.There was no dignity in them.Marionettes that the show-man had thrown into the discard.
我沒有說什么。我學(xué)過醫(yī)，死人見多了，戰(zhàn)爭中見的更是多得不計其數(shù)。令我沮喪的是，人一死就一錢不值了，沒有一丁點人的尊嚴，就像廢棄不用的木偶。

“I didn't sleep that night. I cried.I wasn't frightened for myself；I was indignant；it was the wickedness of it that broke me.The war came to an end and I went home.I'd always been keen on mechanics, and if there was nothing doing in aviation, I'd intended to get into an automobile factory.I'd been wounded and had to take it easy for a while.Then they wanted me to go to work.I couldn’t do the sort of work they wanted me to do.It seemed futile.I’d had a lot of time to think.I kept on asking myself what life was for.After all it was only by luck that I was alive；I wanted to make something of my life, but I didn’t know what.I’d never thought much about God.I began to think about Him now.I couldn’t understand why there was evil in the world.I knew I was very ignorant；I didn’t know anyone I could turn to and I wanted to learn, so I began to read at haphazard.
那天夜里我睡不著覺，暗暗地流著眼淚。我并不是為自身的安全感到恐懼，而是覺得氣憤，為戰(zhàn)爭的罪惡感到痛心。戰(zhàn)爭結(jié)束后，我回到了家鄉(xiāng)。我一直都很喜歡機械，如果不能再飛行了，我打算進汽車廠工作。我受過傷，所以工作的事不便操之過急。后來，他們要我就業(yè)，而我不愿接受他們?yōu)槲疫x擇的職業(yè)。他們的努力無果而終。我曾經(jīng)花費過大量時間思考問題，不斷地問自己，人活著究竟是為了什么？從戰(zhàn)爭的硝煙中我僥幸活了下來，一心想讓自己的人生有意義，但又不知道怎么才能有意義。以前我不太考慮上帝這類問題，而此時我開始苦苦思索。我不明白世界上為什么會有罪惡。我知道自己非常無知，又苦于找不到能夠請教的人。我渴望尋找到答案，于是便一頭鉆進了書堆里。

“When I told Father Ensheim all this he asked me：‘Then you've been reading for four years?Where have you got?'
當(dāng)我把這些心事講給恩斯海姆神父聽時，他便問我：‘你讀書讀了有四年了吧？那么你找到答案了嗎？’

“‘Nowhere，'I said.
‘沒有找到?！一卮鹫f。

“He looked at me with such an air of radiant benignity that I was confused. I didn't know what I'd done to arouse so much feeling in him.He softly drummed his fingers on the table as though he were turning a notion over in his mind.
他望著我，神情和藹、慈祥。我都糊涂了，不知道自己做了什么，竟值得他如此器重。他用手指在桌子上輕輕敲打著，仿佛在考慮著一項決策。

“‘Our wise old Church，'he said then，‘has discovered that if you will act as if you believed belief will be granted to you；if you pray with doubt, but pray with sincerity, your doubt will be dispelled；if you will surrender yourself to the beauty of that liturgy the power of which over the human spirit has been proved by the experience of the ages, peace will descend upon you. I am returning to my monastery in a little while.Why don't you come and spend a few weeks with us?You can work in the fields with our lay brothers；you can read in our library.It will be an experience no less interesting than working in a coal mine or on a German farm.'
‘我們大智大慧的教會認為，’他啟口說道，‘假如你信其有，那才可能成真；假如你祈禱時心存疑慮，但態(tài)度虔誠，疑慮便會煙消云散。經(jīng)許多個世紀的實踐證明，禮拜儀式對人的精神影響很大，如果你愿意參加這種儀式，內(nèi)心一定會感到安寧。我不久就要回修道院去了。何不跟我一起走，在那兒待上幾個星期？你可以和修士們一道下地干活，也可以在我們的圖書館里看書。這樣的體驗恐怕比你下煤窯或者在一個德國農(nóng)場上務(wù)工更有意義。’

“‘Why do you suggest it?'I asked.
‘你為什么提這樣的建議？’我問。

“‘I've been observing you for three months，'he said.‘Perhaps I know you better than you know yourself. The distance that separates you from faith is no greater than the thickness of a cigarette paper.'
‘我觀察你已有三個月了，’他說，‘也許，我比你自己更了解你。你和你的信仰之間僅隔著一層紙，一捅就破?！?/p>

“I didn't say anything to that. It gave me a funny sort of feeling, as though someone had got hold of my heartstrings and were giving them a tug.At last I said I'd think about it.He dropped the subject.For the rest of Father Ensheim's stay in Bonn we never spoke of anything connected with religion again, but as he was leaving he gave me the address of his monastery and told me if I made up my mind to come I had only to write him a line and he'd make arrangements.I missed him more than I expected.The year wore on and it was midsummer.I liked it well enough in Bonn.I read Goethe and Schiller and Heine.I read H?lderlin and Rilke.Still I wasn’t getting any-where.I thought a lot of what Father Ensheim had said, and at last I decided to accept his offer.
我對他的建議未置可否。我有一種奇怪的感覺，就好像有人撥弄了一下我的心弦。末了，我說我會考慮的。此話題他擱下不再提起。此后，恩斯海姆神父在波恩又待了一段時間，我們再沒有談及與宗教有關(guān)的事情?？墒牵R離開波恩時，給我留下了修道院的地址，說如果我打定主意要去，不妨給他寫信告知，他將為我做出安排。他走后，我沒想到自己會那么思念他。日子一天天過去，轉(zhuǎn)眼便到了仲夏時節(jié)。我喜歡在波恩消夏，讀了很多人的著作，有歌德的、席勒的、海涅的、荷爾德林的以及里爾克的?？墒牵瑥乃麄兊臅?，我沒有找到答案。期間，我經(jīng)常考慮恩斯海姆神父的建議。最后，我決定接受他的邀請。

“He met me at the station. The monastery was in Alsace and the country was pretty.Father Ensheim presented me to the abbot and then showed me to the cell that had been assigned to me.It had a narrow iron bed, a crucifix on the wall, and by way of furniture only the barest necessities.The dinner bell rang and I made my way to the refectory.It was a huge vaulted chamber.The abbot stood at the door with two monks, one of whom held a basin and the other a towel, and the abbot sprinkled a few drops of water on the hands of the guests by way of washing them and dried them with the towel one of the two monks handed him.There were three guests besides myself, two priests who were passing that way and had stopped off for dinner and an elderly, grouchy Frenchman who was making a retreat.
恩斯海姆神父前往車站接我。修道院位于阿爾薩斯的鄉(xiāng)間，風(fēng)光旖旎。他把我介紹給了院長，然后領(lǐng)我去那個撥給我住的小房間。里面有一架狹窄的鐵床，墻上掛著耶穌受難像，陳設(shè)簡陋，只有些生活必需的東西。吃飯鈴響時，我向食堂走去。那是一個有著圓頂?shù)拇髲d。院長率兩個修士候在門口，一個修士端一盆水，另一修士手拿一條毛巾。院長在來賓手上灑幾滴水，算是洗了手，然后用一位修士遞過來的毛巾為之擦干。除了我，另外還有三個來賓——有兩個是路過的牧師，留下來吃頓飯，還有一個滿腹牢騷的法國老人，是來修道院過隱居生活的。

“The abbot and the two priors, senior and junior, sat at the head of the room, each at his separate table；the fathers along two sides of the walls, while the novices, the lay brothers, and the guests sat at tables in the middle. Grace was said and we ate.A novice took up his position near the refectory door and in a monotonous voice read from an edifying work.When we had finished grace was said again.The abbot, Father Ensheim, the guests, and the monk in charge of them went into a small room where we had coffee and talked of casual things.Then I went back to my cell.
院長和兩個助手，一正一副，在餐廳的上首就座，各自占一張桌子；修士們在沿墻的兩邊坐，見習(xí)修士和勤雜人員以及客人們則坐在餐廳正中。做了感恩禱告之后，大家就吃了起來。一個見習(xí)修士在餐廳進口處站定，以一種單調(diào)的聲音誦讀一冊訓(xùn)導(dǎo)書。吃完飯，大家又做感恩禱告。院長、恩斯海姆神父、來賓以及負責(zé)接待來賓的修士，進入一個小房間喝咖啡，談了些日常事務(wù)。然后，我回到了自己的房間。

“I stayed there three months. I was very happy.The life exactly suited me.The library was good and I read a great deal.None of the fathers tried in any way to influence me, but they were glad to talk to me.I was deeply impressed by their learning, their piety, and their unworldliness.You mustn't think it was an idle life they led.They were constantly occupied.They farmed their own land and worked it themselves and they were glad to have my help.I enjoyed the splendour of the services, but the one I liked best of all was Matins.It was at four in the morning.It was wonderfully moving to sit in the church with the night all around you while the monks, mysterious in their habits, their cowls drawn over their heads, sang with their strong male voices the plain-song of the liturgy.There was something reassuring in the regularity of the daily round, and notwithstanding all the energy that was displayed, notwithstanding the activity of thought, you had an abiding sense of repose.”
“我在那兒住了三個月，日子過得快快活活的。那種生活很適合我。修道院的圖書館很棒，我看了不少書。修士們沒有一個企圖以任何方法影響我，但是，很高興和我交談。他們的學(xué)識、虔誠的態(tài)度以及超凡脫俗的氣質(zhì)，給我留下了深刻的印象。你不要以為他們過的是一種無所事事的生活。其實，他們時時都在忙碌。他們自耕自種，我偶爾下田相助，叫他們感到由衷的高興。我喜歡做祈禱時的那種壯觀場面，最喜歡的則是晨禱。晨禱是在清晨四點鐘進行的。坐在教堂里，周圍漆黑一團，修士們身穿神秘的晨禱服，頭巾遮在頭上，用鏗鏘的男音唱著禮拜儀式的歌曲，真是動人心弦。修道院的日常生活規(guī)律性很強，能起到安神定心的作用。盡管你充滿了活力，盡管你的思想一刻也不停止，但你的心里一片靜謐?！?/p>

Larry smiled a trifle ruefully.
說到這里，拉里苦笑了一下。

“Like Rolla, I've come too late into a world too old. I should have been born in the Middle Ages when faith was a matter of course；then my way would have been clear to me and I'd have sought to enter the order.I couldn't believe.I wanted to believe, but I couldn't believe in a God who wasn't better than the ordinary decent man.The monks told me that God had created the world for his glorification.That didn’t seem to me a very worthy object.Did Beethoven create his symphonies for his glorification?I don’t believe it.I believe he created them because the music in his soul demanded expression and then all he tried to do was to make them as perfect as he knew how.
跟羅拉一樣，我可真是生不逢時呀。要是出生在中世紀就好了，因為那時候宗教信仰是鐵定的事，我會覺得自己的人生之路清清楚楚，只要加入教會就可以了?，F(xiàn)在讓我信教便難了。我渴望信仰上帝，但做不到，因為上帝比普通的正人君子強不到哪里去。修士們告訴我，說上帝創(chuàng)造世界是為了彰顯自身的榮耀。這在我看來并不是什么值得稱道的目標。貝多芬創(chuàng)作交響樂難道是為了彰顯自身的榮耀嗎？我相信不是的。我認為他創(chuàng)作是因為他內(nèi)心回蕩著音樂，需要他表現(xiàn)出來，而他竭盡其能，努力把這些音樂表現(xiàn)得盡善盡美。

“I used to listen to the monks repeating the Lord's Prayer；I wondered how they could continue to pray without misgiving to their heavenly father to give them their daily bread. Do children beseech their earthly father to give them sustenance?They expect him to do it, they neither feel nor need to feel gratitude to him for doing it, and we have only blame for a man who brings children into the world that he can't or won't provide for.It seemed to me that if an omnipotent creator was not prepared to provide his creatures with the necessities of existence, material and spiritual, he'd have done better not to create them.”
“我常聽修士們一遍遍地念主禱文，就不明白他們?yōu)槭裁匆嗫嗟仄砬筇旄纲n給他們每日的口糧呢。難道孩子們還需要祈求他們塵世的父親給他們提供食物嗎？孩子們指望著父親供養(yǎng)，不會因此而感激他，也沒必要那樣做。對于一個只生孩子不養(yǎng)孩子的父親，我們只會加以譴責(zé)。在我看來，如果萬能的造物主無心給自己創(chuàng)造的眾生提供他們賴以生存的物質(zhì)糧食和精神糧食，那還不如不創(chuàng)造得好?！?/p>

“Dear Larry，”I said，“I think it's just as well you weren't born in the Middle Ages. You'd undoubtedly have perished at the stake.”
“親愛的拉里，”我說道，“幸好你沒有出生在中世紀，否則，你毫無疑問會被處死的?！?/p>

He smiled.
他聽后笑了。

“You've had a great deal of success，”he went on.“Do you want to be praised to your face?”
“你取得了輝煌的成就，”他繼續(xù)說道，“難道你愿意讓別人當(dāng)面頌揚你嗎？”

“It only embarrasses me.”
“那只會叫我尷尬?！?/p>

“That's what I should have thought. I couldn't believe that God wanted it either.We didn't think much in the air corps of a fellow who wangled a cushy job out of his CO by buttering him up.It was hard for me to believe that God thought much of a man who tried to wangle salvation by fulsome flattery.I should have thought the worship most pleasing to him was to do your best according to your lights.
這一點上咱們是英雄所見略同。上帝恐怕也不愿意聽奉承話。想當(dāng)初在空軍里服役時，有個家伙對上司溜須拍馬，弄上個肥差，結(jié)果遭到大家的鄙視。假如靠著阿諛諂媚以求獲得‘拯救’，那么，也會遭到上帝鄙視的。依我看來，盡自己的一份力量積德行善最合上帝的心意。

“But that wasn't the chief thing that bothered me：I couldn't reconcile myself with that preoccupation with sin which, so far as I could tell, was never entirely absent from the monks'thoughts. I'd known a lot of fellows in the air corps.Of course they got drunk when they got a chance, and had a girl whenever they could, and used foul language；we had one or two bad hats：one fellow was arrested for passing rubber cheques and was sent to prison for six months；it wasn't altogether his fault；he’d never had any money before, and when he got more than he’d ever dreamt of having, it went to his head.I’d known bad men in Paris, and when I got back to Chicago I knew more, but for the most part their badness was due to heredity, which they couldn’t help, or to their environment, which they didn’t choose：I’m not sure that society wasn’t more responsible for their crimes than they were.If I’d been God I couldn’t have brought myself to condemn one of them, not even the worst, to eternal damnation.Father Ensheim was broad-minded；he thought that hell was the deprivation of God’s presence, but if that is such an intoler-able punishment that it can justly be called hell, can one conceive that a good God can inflict it?After all, He created men：if He so created them that it was possible for them to sin, it was because He willed it.If I trained a dog to fly at the throat of any stranger who came into my back yard, it wouldn’t be fair to beat him when he did so.
不過，最叫我想不通的還不是這個。對于什么是罪惡有著種種偏見，據(jù)我所知，那些修士們就多少帶有偏見，而我對他們的看法不能茍同。我在空軍里結(jié)識了許多人，有的一喝酒就喝個爛醉，有的玩女人，有的滿嘴臟話；飛行員里也有害群之馬——一個家伙因開空頭支票被抓住，判了六個月的刑。也不能全怪那個‘害群之馬’——他以前囊空如洗，做夢都想不到能弄到那么多錢，一下子便沖昏了頭腦。在巴黎，我遇到過一些壞人，回芝加哥時見到的就更多了。一般來說，他們的劣根性來自于遺傳，他們也是身不由己呀；有的則是受到環(huán)境的影響而變壞的，這一點上他們是沒有選擇的——對此，社會恐怕得負更大的責(zé)任。如果我是上帝，對于這些壞人，哪怕是罪大惡極的，也不會不分青紅皂白地加以懲罰，把他們打入十八層地獄。恩斯海姆神父胸襟開闊，認為所謂的地獄就是失去了上帝護佑的地方。話又說回來，假如下地獄是一種令人難以忍受的懲罰，那么你想想，仁慈的上帝會加以施行嗎？歸根結(jié)底，人類可是他一手創(chuàng)造的。如果說他創(chuàng)造的人類有可能去犯罪，那么，他就難辭其咎。如果有陌生人進我家的后院，我馴養(yǎng)的狗撲上去咬他，而我將狗打一頓，那便有失公允了。

“If an all-good and all-powerful God created the world, why did He create evil?The monks said, so that man byconquering the wickedness in him, by resisting temptation, by accepting pain and sorrow and misfortune as the trials sent by God to purify him, might at long last be made worthy to receive His grace. It seemed to me like sending a fellow with a message to some place and just to make it harder for him you constructed a maze that he had to get through, then dug a moat that he had to swim, and finally built a wall that he had to scale.I wasn't prepared to believe in an all-wise God who hadn't common sense.I didn't see why you shouldn't believe in a God who hadn't created the world, but had to make the best of the bad job he’d found, a being enormously better, wiser, and greater than man, who strove with the evil he hadn’t made and who you hoped might in the end overcome it.But on the other hand, I didn’t see why you should.
如果說是大慈大悲、無所不能的上帝創(chuàng)造了這個世界，那他何必又要創(chuàng)造出罪惡來呢？按照修士們的說法，一個人只有克服內(nèi)心的邪念，抵御誘惑，接受上帝的考驗，經(jīng)歷痛苦、悲傷和災(zāi)難，使自己變得純潔，才有資格接受上帝的恩典。這就像是派個人去送信，卻在路上布一個迷宮，讓他難以通過，再挖一條壕溝，逼他泅水而過，最后筑一道高墻，逼他攀爬。我不相信一個大智大慧的上帝會出如此下策。依我之見，還不如信仰一個普通的上帝——這個上帝不是致力于創(chuàng)造世界，而是致力于改善現(xiàn)狀；與人類相比，他無比善良、智慧和偉大，和那些并非他創(chuàng)造的罪惡不懈地斗爭，最終取得勝利。不過，話又說回來，世人究竟為何信仰現(xiàn)在的這個上帝，我心里也是一本糊涂賬。

“Those good fathers had no answers that satisfied either my head or my heart to the questions that perplexed me. My place was not with them.When I went to say good-bye to Father Ensheim he didn't ask me whether I had profited by the experience in the way he had been so sure I would.He looked at me with inexpressible kindness.
無論是在理智上還是在感情上，這些問題讓我十分糾結(jié)，而那些好心的修士卻無法為我解答。我和他們顯然不是一條道上跑的車。我向恩斯海姆神父辭別時，他滿臉慈祥地望著我。他一定認為我在修道院獲益匪淺，想問一聲，卻沒有問出口。

“‘I'm afraid I've been a disappointment to you, Father，'I said.
‘恐怕我讓你失望了，恩斯海姆神父?！艺f道。

“‘No，'he answered.‘You are a deeply religious man who doesn't believe in God. God will seek you out.You'll come back.Whether here or elsewhere only God can tell.'”
“‘哪里的話。’他回答，‘你是個宗教修養(yǎng)很深的人，目前不信上帝，而上帝以后會把你挑選出來的。你一定會回來的。至于回到這兒來，還是到別的修道院去，只有上帝能夠決斷。’”