There are few things better than a good Havana. When I was young and very poor and smoked a cigar only when somebody gave me one, I determined that if ever I had money I would smoke a cigar every day after luncheon and after dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept. It is the only ambition I have achieved that has never been embittered by disillusion. I like a cigar that is mild, but full-flavoured, neither so small that it is finished before you have become aware of it nor so large as to be irksome, rolled so that it draws without consciousness of effort on your part, with a leaf so firm that it doesn't become messy on your lips, and in such condition that it keeps its savour to the very end. But when you have taken the last pull and put down the shapeless stump and watched the final cloud of smoke dwindle blue in the surrounding air it is impossible, if you have a sensitive nature, not to feel a certain melancholy at the thought of all the labour, the care and pains that have gone, the thought, the trouble, the complicated organization that have been required to provide you with half an hour's delight. For this men have sweltered long years under tropical suns and ships have scoured the seven seas. These reflections become more poignant still when you are eating a dozen oysters (with half a bottle of dry white wine), and they become almost unbearable when it comes to a lamb cutlet. For these are animals and there is something that inspires awe in the thought that since the surface of the earth became capable of supporting life from generation to generation for millions upon millions of years creatures have come into existence to end at last upon a plate of crushed ice or on a silver grill. It may be that a sluggish fancy cannot grasp the dreadful solemnity of eating an oyster and evolution has taught us that the bivalve has through the ages kept itself to itself in a manner that inevitably alienates sympathy. There is an aloofness in it that is offensive to the aspiring spirit of man and a self-complacency that is obnoxious to his vanity. But I do not know how anyone can look upon a lamb cutlet without thoughts too deep for tears: here man himself has taken a hand and the history of the race is bound up with the tender morsel on your plate.
And sometimes even the fate of human beings is curious to consider. It is strange to look upon this man or that, the quiet ordinary persons of every day, the bank clerk, the dustman, the middle-aged girl in the second row of the chorus, and think of the interminable history behind them and of the long, long series of hazards by which from the primeval slime the course of events has brought them at this moment to such and such a place. When such tremendous vicissitudes have been needed to get them here at all one would have thought some huge significance must be attached to them; one would have thought that what befell them must matter a little to the Life Spirit or whatever else it is that has produced them. An accident befalls them. The thread is broken. The story that began with the world is finished abruptly and it looks as though it meant nothing at all. A tale told by an idiot. And is it not odd that this event, of an importance so dramatic, may be brought about by a cause so trivial?
An incident of no moment, that might easily not have happened, has consequences that are incalculable. It looks as though blind chance ruled all things. Our smallest actions may affect profoundly the whole lives of people who have nothing to do with us. The story I have to tell would never have happened if one day I had not walked across the street. Life is really very fantastic and one has to have a peculiar sense of humour to see the fun of it.
I was strolling down Bond Street one spring morning and having nothing much to do till lunch-time thought I would look in at Sotheby's, the auction rooms, to see whether there was anything on show that interested me. There was a block in the traffic and I threaded my way through the cars. When I reached the other side I ran into a man I had known in Borneo coming out of a hatter's.
Hullo, Morton, I said. "When did you come home?"
I've been back about a week.
He was a District Officer. The Governor had given me a letter of introduction to him and I wrote and told him I meant to spend a week at the place he lived at and should like to put up at the government rest-house. He met me on the ship when I arrived and asked me to stay with him. I demurred. I did not see how I could spend a week with a total stranger, I did not want to put him to the expense of my board, and besides I thought I should have more freedom if I were on my own. He would not listen to me.
I've got plenty of room, he said, "and the rest-house is beastly. I haven't spoken to a white man for six months and I'm fed to the teeth with my own company."
But when Morton had got me and his launch had landed us at the bungalow and he had offered me a drink he did not in the least know what to do with me. He was seized on a sudden with shyness, and his conversation, which had been fluent and ready, ran dry. I did my best to make him feel at home (it was the least I could do, considering that it was his own house) and asked him if he had any new records. He turned on the gramophone and the sound of rag-time gave him confidence.
His bungalow overlooked the river and his living-room was a large veranda. It was furnished in the impersonal fashion that characterized the dwellings of government officials who were moved here and there at little notice according to the exigencies of the service. There were native hats as ornaments on the walls and the horns of animals, blow-pipes, and spears. In the book-shelf were detective novels and old magazines. There was a cottage piano with yellow keys. It was very untidy, but not uncomfortable.
Unfortunately I cannot very well remember what he looked like. He was young, twenty-eight, I learnt later, and he had a boyish and attractive smile. I spent an agreeable week with him. We went up and down the river and we climbed a mountain. We had tiffin one day with some planters who lived twenty miles away and every evening we went to the club. The only members were the manager of a kutch factory and his assistants, but they were not on speaking terms with one another and it was only on Morton's representations that they must not let him down when he had a visitor that we could get up a rubber of bridge. The atmosphere was strained. We came back to dinner, listened to the gramophone, and went to bed. Morton had little office work and one would have thought the time hung heavy on his hands, but he had energy and high spirits; it was his first post of the sort and he was happy to be independent. His only anxiety was lest he should be transferred before he had finished a road he was building. This was the joy of his heart. It was his own idea and he had wheedled the government into giving him the money to make it; he had surveyed the country himself and traced the path. He had solved unaided the technical problems that presented themselves. Every morning, before he went to his office, he drove out in a rickety old Ford to where the coolies were working and watched the progress that had been made since the day before. He thought of nothing else. He dreamt of it at night. He reckoned that it would be finished in a year and he did not want to take his leave till then. He could not have worked with more zest if he had been a painter or a sculptor creating a work of art. I think it was this eagerness that made me take a fancy to him. I liked his zeal. I liked his ingenuousness. And I was impressed by the passion for achievement that made him indifferent to the solitariness of his life, to promotion, and even to the thought of going home. I forget how long the road was, fifteen or twenty miles, I think, and I forget what purpose it was to serve. I don't believe Morton cared very much. His passion was the artist's and his triumph was the triumph of man over nature. He learnt as he went along. He had the jungle to contend against, torrential rains that destroyed the labour of weeks, accidents of topography; he had to collect his labour and hold it together; he had inadequate funds. His imagination sustained him. His labours gained a sort of epic quality and the vicissitudes of the work were a great saga that unrolled itself with an infinity of episodes.
His only complaint was that the day was too short. He had office duties, he was judge and tax collector, father and mother (at twenty-eight) of the people in his district; he had now and then to make tours that took him away from home. Unless he was on the spot nothing was done. He would have liked to be there twenty-four hours a day driving the reluctant coolies to further effort. It so happened that shortly before I arrived an incident had occurred that filled him with jubilation. He had offered a contract to a Chinese to make a certain section of the road and the Chinese had asked more than Morton could afford to pay. Notwithstanding interminable discussions they had been unable to arrive at an agreement and Morton with rage in his heart saw his work held up. He was at his wits' end. Then going down to his office one morning, he heard that there had been a row in one of the Chinese gambling houses the night before. A coolie had been badly wounded and his assailant was under arrest. This assailant was the contractor. He was brought into court, the evidence was clear, and Morton sentenced him to eighteen months' hard labour.
Now he'll have to build the blasted road for nothing, said Morton, his eyes glistening when he told me the story.
We saw the fellow at work one morning, in the prison sarong, unconcerned. He was taking his misfortune in good part.
I've told him I'll remit the rest of his sentence when the road's finished, said Morton, "and he's as pleased as Punch. Bit of a snip for me, eh, what?"
When I left Morton I asked him to let me know when he came to England and he promised to write to me as soon as he landed. On the spur of the moment one gives these invitations and one is perfectly sincere about them. But when one is taken at one's word a slight dismay seizes one. People are so different at home from what they are abroad. There they are easy, cordial, and natural. They have interesting things to tell you. They are immensely kind. You are anxious when your turn comes to do something in return for the hospitality you have received. But it is not easy. The persons who were so entertaining in their own surroundings are very dull in yours. They are constrained and shy. You introduce them to your friends and your friends find them a crashing bore. They do their best to be civil, but sigh with relief when the strangers go and the conversation can once more run easily in its accustomed channels. I think the residents in far places early in their careers understand the situation pretty well, as the result maybe of bitter and humiliating experiences, for I have found that they seldom take advantage of the invitation which on some outstation on the edge of the jungle has been so cordially extended to them and by them as cordially accepted. But Morton was different. He was a young man and single. It is generally the wives that are the difficulty; other women look at their drab clothes, in a glance take in their provincial air, and freeze them with their indifference. But a man can play bridge and tennis, and dance. Morton had charm. I had had no doubt that in a day or two he would find his feet.
Why didn't you let me know you were back? I asked him.
I thought you wouldn't want to be bothered with me, he smiled.
What nonsense!
Of course now as we stood in Bond Street on the kerb and chatted for a minute he looked strange to me. I had never seen him in anything but khaki shorts and a tennis shirt, except when we got back from the club at night and he put on a pyjama jacket and a sarong for dinner. It is as comfortable a form of evening dress as has ever been devised. He looked a bit awkward in his blue serge suit. His face against a white collar was very brown.
How about the road? I asked him.
Finished. I was afraid I'd have to postpone my leave, we struck one or two snags towards the end, but I made 'em hustle and the day before I left I drove the Ford to the end and back without stopping.
I laughed. His pleasure was charming.
What have you been doing with yourself in London?
Buying clothes.
Been having a good time?
Marvellous. A bit lonely, you know, but I don't mind that. I've been to a show every night. The Palmers, you know, I think you met them in Sarawak, were going to be in town and we were going to do the play together, but they had to go to Scotland because her mother's ill.
His words, said so breezily, cut me to the quick. His was the common experience. It was heartbreaking. For months, for long months before it was due, these people planned their leave, and when they got off the ship they were in such spirits they could hardly contain themselves. London. Shops and clubs and theatres and restaurants. London. They were going to have the time of their lives. London. It swallowed them. A strange turbulent city, not hostile but indifferent, and they were lost in it. They had no friends. They had nothing in common with the acquaintances they made. They were more lonely than in the jungle. It was a relief when at a theatre they ran across someone they had known in the East (and perhaps been bored stiff by or disliked) and they could fix up an evening together and have a good laugh and tell one another what a grand time they were having and talk of common friends and at last confide to one another a little shyly that they would not be sorry when their leave was up and they were once again in harness. They went to see their families and of course they were glad to see them, but it wasn't the same as it had been, they did feel a bit out of it, and when you came down to brass tacks the life people led in England was deadly. It was grand fun to come home, but you couldn't live there any more, and sometimes you thought of your bungalow overlooking the river and your tours of the district and what a lark it was to run over once in a blue moon to Sandakan or Kuching or Singapore.
And because I remembered what Morton had looked forward to when, the road finished and off his chest, he went on leave, I could not but feel a pang when I thought of him dining by himself in a dismal club where he knew nobody or alone in a restaurant in Soho and then going off to see a play with no one by his side with whom he could enjoy it and no one to have a drink with during the interval. And at the same time I reflected that even if I had known he was in London I could have done nothing much for him, for during the last week I had not had a moment free. That very evening I was dining with friends and going to a play, and the next day I was going abroad.
What are you doing tonight? I asked him.
I'm going to the Pavilion. It's packed jammed full, but there's a fellow over the road who's wonderful and he's got me a ticket that had been returned. You can often get one seat, you know, when you can't get two.
Why don't you come and have supper with me? I'm taking some people to the Haymarket and we're going on to Ciro's afterwards.
I'd love to.
We arranged to meet at eleven and I left him to keep an engagement.
I was afraid the friends I had asked him to meet would not amuse Morton very much, for they were distinctly middle-aged, but I could not think of anyone young that at this season of the year I should be likely to get hold of at the last moment. None of the girls I knew would thank me for asking her to supper to dance with a shy young man from Malaya. I could trust the Bishops to do their best for him, and after all it must be jollier for him to have supper in a club with a good band where he could see pretty women dancing than to go home to bed at eleven because he had nowhere else in the world to go. I had known Charlie Bishop first when I was a medical student. He was then a thin fellow with sandy hair and blunt features; he had fine eyes, dark and gleaming, but he wore spectacles. He had a round, merry, red face. He was very fond of the girls. I suppose he had a way with him, for, with no money and no looks, he managed to pick up a succession of young persons who gratified his roving desires. He was clever and bumptious, argumentative and quick-tempered. He had a caustic tongue. Looking back, I should say he was a rather disagreeable young man, but I do not think he was a bore. Now, half-way through the fifties, he was inclined to be stout and he was very bald, but his eyes behind the gold-rimmed spectacles were still bright and alert. He was dogmatic and somewhat conceited, argumentative still and caustic, but he was good-natured and amusing. After you have known a person so long his idiosyncrasies cease to trouble you. You accept them as you accept your own physical defects. He was by profession a pathologist and now and then he sent me a slim book he had just published. It was severe and extremely technical and grimly illustrated with photographs of bacteria. I did not read it. I gathered from what I sometimes heard that Charlie's views on the subjects with which he dealt were unsound. I do not believe that he was very popular with the other members of his profession, he made no secret of the fact that he looked upon them as a set of incompetent idiots; but he had his job, it brought him in six or eight hundred a year, I think, and he was completely indifferent to other people's opinion of him.
I liked Charlie Bishop because I had known him for thirty years, but I liked Margery, his wife, because she was very nice. I was extremely surprised when he told me he was going to be married. He was hard on forty at the time and so fickle in his affections that I had made up my mind he would remain single. He was very fond of women, but he was not in the least sentimental, and his aims were loose. His views on the female sex would in these idealistic days be thought crude. He knew what he wanted and he asked for it, and if he couldn't get it for love or money he shrugged his shoulders and went his way. To be brief, he did not look to women to gratify his ideal but to provide him with fornication. It was odd that though small and plain he found so many who were prepared to grant his wishes. For his spiritual needs he found satisfaction in unicellular organisms. He had always been a man who spoke to the point, and when he told me he was going to marry a young woman called Margery Hobson I did not hesitate to ask him why. He grinned.
Three reasons. First, she won't let me go to bed with her without. Second, she makes me laugh like a hyena. And third, she's alone in the world, without a single relation, and she must have someone to take care of her.
The first reason is just swank and the second is eyewash. The third is the real one and it means that she's got you by the short hairs.
His eyes gleamed softly behind his large spectacles.
I shouldn't be surprised if you weren't dead right.
She's not only got you by the short hairs but you're as pleased as Punch that she has.
Come and lunch tomorrow and have a look at her. She's easy on the eye.
Charlie was a member of a cock-and-hen club which at that time I used a good deal and we arranged to lunch there. I found Margery a very attractive young woman. She was then just under thirty. She was a lady. I noticed the fact with satisfaction, but with a certain astonishment, for it had not escaped my notice that Charlie was attracted as a rule by women whose breeding left something to be desired. She was not beautiful, but comely, with fine dark hair and fine eyes, a good colour and a look of health. She had a pleasant frankness and an air of candour that were very taking. She looked honest, simple, and dependable. I took an immediate liking to her. She was easy to talk to and though she did not say anything very brilliant she understood what other people were talking about; she was quick to see a joke and she was not shy. She gave you the impression of being competent and business-like. She had a happy placidity that suggested a good temper and an excellent digestion.
They seemed extremely pleased with one another. I had asked myself when I first saw her why Margery was marrying this irritable little man, baldish already and by no means young, but I discovered very soon that it was because she was in love with him. They chaffed one another a good deal and laughed a lot and every now and then their eyes met more significantly and they seemed to exchange a little private message. It was really rather touching.
A week later they were married at a registrar's office. It was a very successful marriage. Looking back now after sixteen years I could not but chuckle sympathetically at the thought of the lark they had made of their life together. I had never known a more devoted couple. They had never had very much money. They never seemed to want any. They had no ambitions. Their life was a picnic that never came to an end. They lived in the smallest flat I ever saw, in Panton Street, a small bedroom, a small sitting-room, and a bathroom that served also as a kitchen. But they had no sense of home, they ate their meals in restaurants, and only had breakfast in the flat. It was merely a place to sleep in. It was comfortable, though a third person coming in for a whisky and soda crowded it, and Margery with the help of a charwoman kept it as neat as Charlie's untidiness permitted, but there was not a single thing in it that had a personal note. They had a tiny car and whenever Charlie had a holiday they took it across the Channel and started off, with a bag each for all their luggage, to drive wherever the fancy took them. Breakdowns never disturbed them, bad weather was part of the fun, a puncture was no end of a joke, and if they lost their way and had to sleep out in the open they thought they were having the time of their lives.
Charlie continued to be irascible and contentious, but nothing he did ever disturbed Margery's lovely placidity. She could calm him with a word. She still made him laugh. She typed his monographs on obscure bacteria and corrected the proofs of his articles in the scientific magazines. Once I asked them if they ever quarrelled.
No, she said, "we never seem to have anything to quarrel about. Charlie has the temper of an angel."
Nonsense, I said, "he's an overbearing, aggressive, and cantankerous fellow. He always has been."
She looked at him and giggled and I saw that she thought I was being funny.
Let him rave, said Charlie. "He's an ignorant fool and he uses words of whose meaning he hasn't the smallest idea."
They were sweet together. They were very happy in one another's company and were never apart if they could help it. Even after the long time they had been married Charlie used to get into the car every day at luncheon-time to come west and meet Margery at a restaurant. People used to laugh at them, not unkindly, but perhaps with a little catch in the throat, because when they were asked to go and spend a week-end in the country Margery would write to the hostess and say they would like to come if they could be given a double bed. They had slept together for so many years that neither of them could sleep alone. It was often a trifle awkward. Husbands and wives as a rule not only demanded separate rooms, but were inclined to be peevish if asked to share the same bathroom. Modern houses were not arranged for domestic couples, but among their friends it became an understood thing that if you wanted the Bishops you must give them a room with a double bed. Some people of course thought it a little indecent, and it was never convenient, but they were a pleasant pair to have to stay and it was worth while to put up with their crankiness. Charlie was always full of spirits and in his caustic way extremely amusing, and Margery was peaceful and easy. They were no trouble to entertain. Nothing pleased them more than to be left to go out together for a long ramble in the country.
When a man marries, his wife sooner or later estranges him from his old friends, but Margery on the contrary increased Charlie's intimacy with them. By making him more tolerant she made him a more agreeable companion. They gave you the impression not of a married couple, but, rather amusingly, of two middle-aged bachelors living together; and when Margery, as was the rule, found herself the only woman among half a dozen men, ribald, argumentative, and gay, she was not a bar to good-fellowship but an asset. Whenever I was in England I saw them. They generally dined at the club of which I have spoken and if I happened to be alone I joined them.
When we met that evening for a snack before going to the play I told them I had asked Morton to come to supper.
I'm afraid you'll find him rather dull, I said. "But he's a very decent sort of boy and he was awfully kind to me when I was in Borneo."
Why didn't you let me know sooner? cried Margery. "I'd have brought a girl along."
What do you want a girl for? said Charlie. "There'll be you."
I don't think it can be much fun for a young man to dance with a woman of my advanced years, said Margery.
Rot. What's your age got to do with it? He turned to me. "Have you ever danced with anyone who danced better?"
I had, but she certainly danced very well. She was light on her feet and she had a good sense of rhythm.
Never, I said heartily.
Morton was waiting for us when we reached Ciro's. He looked very sunburned in his evening clothes. Perhaps it was because I knew that they had been wrapped away in a tin box with mothballs for four years that I felt he did not look quite at home in them. He was certainly more at ease in khaki shorts. Charlie Bishop was a good talker and liked to hear himself speak. Morton was shy. I gave him a cocktail and ordered some champagne. I had a feeling that he would be glad to dance, but was not quite sure whether it would occur to him to ask Margery. I was acutely conscious that we all belonged to another generation.
I think I should tell you that Mrs. Bishop is a beautiful dancer, I said.
Is she? He flushed a little. "Will you dance with me?"
She got up and they took the floor. She was looking peculiarly nice that evening, not at all smart, and I do not think her plain black dress had cost more than six guineas, but she looked a lady. She had the advantage of having extremely good legs and at that time skirts were still being worn very short. I suppose she had a little make-up on, but in contrast with the other women there she looked very natural. Shingled hair suited her; it was not even touched with white and it had an attractive sheen. She was not a pretty woman, but her kindliness, her wholesome air, her good health gave you, if not the illusion that she was, at least the feeling that it didn't at all matter. When she came back to the table her eyes were bright and she had a heightened colour.
How does he dance? asked her husband.
Divinely.
You're very easy to dance with, said Morton.
Charlie went on with his discourse. He had a sardonic humour and he was interesting because he was himself so interested in what he said. But he spoke of things that Morton knew nothing about and though he listened with a civil show of interest I could see that he was too much excited by the gaiety of the scene, the music, and the champagne to give his attention to conversation. When the music struck up again his eyes immediately sought Margery's. Charlie caught the look and smiled.
Dance with him, Margery. Good for my figure to see you take exercise.
They set off again and for a moment Charlie watched her with fond eyes.
Margery's having the time of her life. She loves dancing and it makes me puff and blow. Not a bad youth.
My little party was quite a success and when Morton and I, having taken leave of the Bishops, walked together towards Piccadilly Circus he thanked me warmly. He had really enjoyed himself. I said good-bye to him. Next morning I went abroad.
I was sorry not to have been able to do more for Morton and I knew that when I returned he would be on his way back to Borneo. I gave him a passing thought now and then, but by the autumn when I got home he had slipped my memory. After I had been in London a week or so I happened to drop in one night at the club to which Charlie Bishop also belonged. He was sitting with three or four men I knew and I went up. I had not seen any of them since my return. One of them, a man called Bill Marsh, whose wife, Janet, was a great friend of mine, asked me to have a drink.
Where have you sprung from? asked Charlie. "Haven't seen you about lately."
I noticed at once that he was drunk. I was astonished. Charlie had always liked his liquor, but he carried it well and never exceeded. In years gone by, when we were very young, he got tight occasionally, but probably more than anything to show what a great fellow he was, and it is unfair to bring up against a man the excesses of his youth. But I remembered that Charlie had never been very nice when he was drunk: his natural aggressiveness was exaggerated then and he talked too much and too loud; he was very apt to be quarrelsome. He was very dogmatic now, laying down the law and refusing to listen to any of the objections his rash statements called forth. The others knew he was drunk and were struggling between the irritation his cantankerousness aroused in them and the good-natured tolerance which they felt his condition demanded. He was not an agreeable object. A man of that age, bald and fattish, with spectacles, is disgusting drunk. He was generally rather dapper, but he was untidy now and there was tobacco ash all over him. Charlie called the waiter and ordered another whisky. The waiter had been at the club for thirty years.
You've got one in front of you, sir.
Mind your own damned business, said Charlie Bishop. "Bring me a double whisky right away or I'll report you to the secretary for insolence."
Very good, sir, said the waiter.
Charlie emptied his glass at a gulp, but his hand was unsteady and he spilled some of the whisky over himself.
Well, Charlie, old boy, we'd better be toddling along, said Bill Marsh. He turned to me. "Charlie's staying with us for a bit."
I was more surprised still. But I felt that something was wrong and thought it safer not to say anything.
I'm ready, said Charlie. "I'll just have another drink before I go. I shall have a better night if I do."
It did not look to me as though the party would break up for some time, so I got up and announced that I meant to stroll home.
I say, said Bill, as I was about to go, "you wouldn't come and dine with us tomorrow night, would you, just me and Janet and Charlie?"
Yes, I'll come with pleasure, I said.
It was evident that something was up.
The Marshes lived in a terrace on the East side of Regent's Park. The maid who opened the door for me asked me to go in to Mr. Marsh's study. He was waiting for me there.
I thought I'd better have a word with you before you went upstairs, he said as he shook hands with me. "You know Margery's left Charlie?"
No!
He's taken it very hard. Janet thought it was so awful for him alone in that beastly little flat that we asked him to stay here for a bit. We've done everything we could for him. He's been drinking like a fish. He hasn't slept a wink for a fortnight.
But she hasn't left him for good?
I was astounded.
Yes. She's crazy about a fellow called Morton.
Morton. Who's he?
It never struck me it was my friend from Borneo.
Damn it all, you introduced him and a pretty piece of work you did. Let's go upstairs. I thought I'd better put you wise.
He opened the door and we went out. I was thoroughly confused.
But look here, I said.
Ask Janet. She knows the whole thing. It beats me. I've got no patience with Margery, and he must be a mess.
He preceded me into the drawing-room. Janet Marsh rose as I entered and came forward to greet me. Charlie was sitting at the window, reading the evening paper; he put it aside as I went up to him and shook his hand. He was quite sober and he spoke in his usual rather perky manner, but I noticed that he looked very ill. We had a glass of sherry and went down to dinner. Janet was a woman of spirit. She was tall and fair and good to look at. She kept the conversation going with alertness. When she left us to drink a glass of port it was with instructions not to stay more than ten minutes. Bill, as a rule somewhat taciturn, exerted himself now to talk. I tumbled to the game. I was hampered by my ignorance of what exactly had happened, but it was plain that the Marshes wanted to prevent Charlie from brooding, and I did my best to interest him. He seemed willing to play his part, he was always fond of holding forth, and he discussed, from the pathologist's standpoint, a murder that was just then absorbing the public. But he spoke without life. He was an empty shell, and one had the feeling that though for the sake of his host he forced himself to speak, his thoughts were elsewhere. It was a relief when a knocking on the floor above indicated to us that Janet was getting impatient. This was an occasion when a woman's presence eased the situation. We went upstairs and played family bridge. When it was time for me to go Charlie said he would walk with me as far as the Marylebone Road.
Oh, Charlie, it's so late, you'd much better go to bed, said Janet.
I shall sleep better if I have a stroll before turning in, he replied.
She gave him a worried look. You cannot forbid a middle-aged professor of pathology from going for a little walk if he wants to. She glanced brightly at her husband.
I daresay it'll do Bill no harm.
I think the remark was tactless. Women are often a little too managing. Charlie gave her a sullen look.
There's absolutely no need to drag Bill out, he said with some firmness.
I haven't the smallest intention of coming, said Bill, smiling. "I'm tired out and I'm going to hit the hay."
I fancy we left Bill Marsh and his wife to a little argument.
They've been frightfully kind to me, said Charlie, as we walked along by the railings. "I don't know what I should have done without them. I haven't slept for a fortnight."
I expressed regret but did not ask the reason, and we walked for a little in silence. I presumed that he had come with me in order to talk to me of what had happened, but I felt that he must take his own time. I was anxious to show my sympathy, but afraid of saying the wrong things; I did not want to seem eager to extract confidences from him. I did not know how to give him a lead. I was sure he did not want one. He was not a man given to beating about the bush. I imagined that he was choosing his words. We reached the corner.
You'll be able to get a taxi at the church, he said. "I'll walk on a bit further. Good night."
He nodded and slouched off. I was taken aback. There was nothing for me to do but to stroll on till I found a cab. I was having my bath next morning when a telephone call dragged me out of it, and with a towel round my wet body I took up the receiver. It was Janet.
Well, what do you think of it all? she said. "You seem to have kept Charlie up pretty late last night. I heard him come home at three."
He left me at the Marylebone Road, I answered. "He said nothing to me at all."
Didn't he?
There was something in Janet's voice that suggested that she was prepared to have a long talk with me. I suspected she had a telephone by the side of her bed.
Look here, I said quickly. "I'm having my bath."
Oh, have you got a telephone in your bathroom? she answered eagerly, and I think with envy.
No, I haven't. I was abrupt and firm. "And I'm dripping all over the carpet."
Oh! I felt disappointment in her tone and a trace of irritation. "Well, when can I see you? Can you come here at twelve?"
It was inconvenient, but I was not prepared to start an argument.
Yes, good-bye.
I rang off before she could say anything more. In heaven when the blessed use the telephone they will say what they have to say and not a word beside.
I was devoted to Janet, but I knew that there was nothing that thrilled her more than the misfortunes of her friends. She was only too anxious to help them, but she wanted to be in the thick of their difficulties. She was the friend in adversity. Other people's business was meat and drink to her. You could not enter upon a love affair without finding her somehow your confidante nor be mixed up in a divorce case without discovering that she too had a finger in the pie. Withal she was a very nice woman. I could not help then chuckling in my heart when at noon I was shown into Janet's drawing-room and observed the subdued eagerness with which she received me. She was very much upset by the catastrophe that had befallen the Bishops, but it was exciting, and she was tickled to death to have someone fresh whom she could tell all about it. Janet had just that business-like expectancy that a mother has when she is discussing with the family doctor her married daughter's first confinement. Janet was conscious that the matter was very serious, and she would not for a moment have been thought to regard it flippantly, but she was determined to get every ounce of value out of it.
I mean, no one could have been more horrified than I was when Margery told me she'd finally made up her mind to leave Charlie, she said, speaking with the fluency of a person who has said the same thing in the same words a dozen times at least. "They were the most devoted couple I'd ever known. It was a perfect marriage. They got on like a house on fire. Of course Bill and I are devoted to one another, but we have awful rows now and then. I mean, I could kill him sometimes."
I don't care a hang about your relations with Bill, I said. "Tell me about the Bishops. That's what I've come here for."
I simply felt I must see you. After all you're the only person who can explain it.
Oh, God, don't go on like that. Until Bill told me last night I didn't know a thing about it.
That was my idea. It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps you didn't know and I thought you might put your foot in it too awfully.
Supposing you began at the beginning, I said.
Well, you're the beginning. After all you started the trouble. You introduced the young man. That's why I was so crazy to see you. You know all about him. I never saw him. All I know is what Margery has told me about him.
At what time are you lunching? I asked.
Half past one.
So am I. Get on with the story.
But my remark had given Janet an idea.
Look here, will you get out of your luncheon if I get out of mine? We could have a snack here. I'm sure there's some cold meat in the house, and then we needn't hurry. I don't have to be at the hairdresser's till three.
No, no, no, I said. "I hate the notion of that. I shall leave here at twenty minutes past one at the latest."
Then I shall just have to race through it. What do you think of Gerry?
Who's Gerry?
Gerry Morton. His name's Gerald.
How should I know that?
You stayed with him. Weren't there any letters lying about?
I daresay, but I didn't happen to read them, I answered somewhat tartly.
Oh, don't be so stupid. I meant the envelopes. What's he like?
All right. Rather the Kipling type, you know. Very keen on his work. Hearty. Empire-builder and all that sort of thing.
I don't mean that, cried Janet, not without impatience. "I mean, what does he look like?"
More or less like everybody else, I think. Of course I should recognize him if I saw him again, but I can't picture him to myself very distinctly. He looks clean.
Oh, my God, said Janet. "Are you a novelist or are you not? What's the colour of his eyes?"
I don't know.
You must know. You can't spend a week with anyone without knowing if their eyes are blue or brown. Is he fair or dark?
Neither.
Is he tall or short?
Average, I should say.
Are you trying to irritate me?
No. He's just ordinary. There's nothing in him to attract your attention. He's neither plain nor good-looking. He looks quite decent. He looks a gentleman.
Margery says he has a charming smile and a lovely figure.
I dare say.
He's absolutely crazy about her.
What makes you think that? I asked dryly.
I've seen his letters.
Do you mean to say she's shown them to you?
Why, of course.
It is always difficult for a man to stomach the want of reticence that women betray in their private affairs. They have no shame. They will talk to one another without embarrassment of the most intimate matters. Modesty is a masculine virtue. But though a man may know this theoretically, each time he is confronted with women's lack of reserve he suffers a new shock. I wondered what Morton would think if he knew that not only were his letters read by Janet Marsh as well as by Margery, but that she had been kept posted from day to day with the progress of his infatuation. According to Janet he had fallen in love with Margery at first sight. The morning after they had met at my little supper party at Ciro's he had rung up and asked her to come and have tea with him at some place where they could dance. While I listened to Janet's story I was conscious of course that she was giving me Margery's view of the circumstances and I kept an open mind. I was interested to observe that Janet's sympathies were with Margery. It was true that when Margery left her husband it was her idea that Charlie should come to them for two or three weeks rather than stay on in miserable loneliness in the deserted flat and she had been extraordinarily kind to him. She lunched with him almost every day, because he had been accustomed to lunch every day with Margery; she took him for walks in Regent's Park and made Bill play golf with him on Sundays. She listened with wonderful patience to the story of his unhappiness and did what she could to console him. She was terribly sorry for him. But all the same she was definitely on Margery's side and when I expressed my disapproval of her she came down on me like a thousand of bricks. The affair thrilled her. She had been in it from the beginning when Margery, smiling, flattered, and a little doubtful, came and told her that she had a young man to the final scene when Margery, exasperated and distraught, announced that she could not stand the strain any more and had packed her things and moved out of the flat.
Of course, at first I couldn't believe my ears, she said. "You know how Charlie and Margery were. They simply lived in one another's pockets. One couldn't help laughing at them, they were so devoted to one another. I never thought him a very nice little man and heaven knows he wasn't very attractive physically, but one couldn't help liking him because he was so awfully nice to Margery. I rather envied her sometimes. They had no money and they lived in a hugger-mugger sort of way, but they were frightfully happy. Of course I never thought anything would come of it. Margery was rather amused. 'Naturally I don't take it very seriously,' she told me, 'but it is rather fun to have a young man at my time of life. I haven't had any flowers sent me for years. I had to tell him not to send any more because Charlie would think it so silly. He doesn't know a soul in London and he loves dancing and he says I dance like a dream. It's miserable for him going to the theatre by himself all the time and we've done two or three matinees together. It's pathetic to see how grateful he is when I say I'll go out with him.' 'I must say,' I said, 'he sounds rather a lamb.' 'He is,' she said. 'I knew you'd understand. You don't blame me, do you?' 'Of course not, darling,' I said, 'surely you know me better than that. I'd do just the same in your place.'"
Margery made no secret of her outings with Morton and her husband chaffed her good-naturedly about her beau. But he thought him a very civil, pleasant-spoken young man and was glad that Margery had someone to play with while he was busy. It never occurred to him to be jealous. The three of them dined together several times and went to a show. But presently Gerry Morton begged Margery to spend an evening with him alone; she said it was impossible, but he was persuasive, he gave her no peace; and at last she went to Janet and asked her to ring up Charlie one day and ask him to come to dinner and make a fourth at bridge. Charlie would never go anywhere without his wife, but the Marshes were old friends, and Janet made a point of it. She invented some cock-and-bull story that made it seem important that he should consent. Next day Margery and she met. The evening had been wonderful. They had dined at Maidenhead and danced there and then had driven home through the summer night.
He says he's crazy about me, Margery told her.
Did he kiss you? asked Janet.
Of course, Margery chuckled. "Don't be silly, Janet. He is awfully sweet and, you know, he has such a nice nature. Of course I don't believe half the things he says to me."
My dear, you're not going to fall in love with him.
I have, said Margery.
Darling, isn't it going to be rather awkward?
Oh, it won't last. After all he's going back to Borneo in the autumn.
Well, one can't deny that it's made you look years younger.
I know, and I feel years younger.
Soon they were meeting every day. They met in the morning and walked in the Park together or went to a picture gallery. They separated for Margery to lunch with her husband and after lunch met again and motored into the country or to some place on the river. Margery did not tell her husband. She very naturally thought he would not understand.
How was it you never met Morton? I asked Janet.
Oh, she didn't want me to. You see, we belong to the same generation, Margery and I. I can quite understand that.
I see.
Of course I did everything I could. When she went out with Gerry she was always supposed to be with me.
I am a person who likes to cross a "t" and dot an "i".
Were they having an affair? I asked.
Oh, no. Margery isn't that sort of woman at all.
How do you know?
She would have told me.
I suppose she would.
Of course I asked her. But she denied it point-blank and I'm sure she was telling me the truth. There's never been anything of that sort between them at all.
It seems rather odd to me.
Well, you see, Margery is a very good woman.
I shrugged my shoulders.
She was absolutely loyal to Charlie. She wouldn't have deceived him for anything in the world. She couldn't bear the thought of having any secret from him. As soon as she knew she was in love with Gerry she wanted to tell Charlie. Of course I begged her not to. I told her it wouldn't do any good and it would only make Charlie miserable. And after all, the boy was going away in a couple of months, it didn't seem much good to make a lot of fuss about a thing that couldn't possibly last.
But Gerry's imminent departure was the cause of the crash. The Bishops had arranged to go abroad as usual and proposed to motor through Belgium, Holland, and the North of Germany. Charlie was busy with maps and guides. He collected information from friends about hotels and roads. He looked forward to his holiday with the bubbling excitement of a schoolboy. Margery listened to him discussing it with a sinking heart. They were to be away four weeks and in September Gerry was sailing. She could not bear to lose so much of the short time that remained to them and the thought of the motor tour filled her with exasperation. As the interval grew shorter and shorter she grew more and more nervous. At last she decided that there was only one thing to do.
Charlie, I don't want to come on this trip, she interrupted him suddenly, one day when he was talking to her of some restaurant he had just heard of. "I wish you'd get someone else to go with you."
He looked at her blankly. She was startled at what she had said and her lips trembled a little.
Why, what's the matter?
Nothing's the matter. I don't feel like it. I want to be by myself for a bit.
Are you ill?
She saw the sudden fear in his eyes. His concern drove her beyond her endurance.
No. I've never been better in my life. I'm in love.
You? Whom with?
Gerry.
He looked at her in amazement. He could not believe his ears. She mistook his expression.
It's no good blaming me. I can't help it. He's going away in a few weeks. I'm not going to waste the little time he has left. He burst out laughing.
Margery, how can you make such a damned fool of yourself? You're old enough to be his mother. She flushed.
He's just as much in love with me as I am with him.
Has he told you so?
A thousand times.
He's a bloody liar, that's all.
He chuckled. His fat stomach rippled with mirth. He thought it a huge joke. I daresay Charlie did not treat his wife in the proper way. Janet seemed to think he should have been tender and compassionate. He should have understood. I saw the scene that was in her mind's eye, the stiff upper lip, the silent sorrow, and the final renunciation. Women are always sensitive to the beauty of the self-sacrifice of others. Janet would have sympathized also if he had flown into a violent passion, broken one or two pieces of furniture (which he would have had to replace), or given Margery a sock in the jaw. But to laugh at her was unpardonable. I did not point out that it is very difficult for a rather stout and not very tall professor of pathology, aged fifty-five, to act all of a sudden like a cave-man. Anyhow, the excursion to Holland was given up and the Bishops stayed in London through August. They were not very happy. They lunched and dined together every day because they had been in the habit of doing so for so many years and the rest of the time Margery spent with Gerry. The hours she passed with him made up for all she had to put up with and she had to put up with a good deal. Charlie had a ribald and sarcastic humour and he made himself very funny at her expense and at Gerry's. He persisted in refusing to take the matter seriously. He was vexed with Margery for being so silly, but apparently it never occurred to him that she might have been unfaithful to him. I commented upon this to Janet.
He never suspected it even, she said. "He knew Margery much too well."
The weeks passed and at last Gerry sailed. He went from Tilbury and Margery saw him off. When she came back she cried for forty-eight hours. Charlie watched her with increasing exasperation. His nerves were much frayed.
Look here, Margery, he said at last, "I've been very patient with you, but now you must pull yourself together. This is getting past a joke."
Why can't you leave me alone? she cried. "I've lost everything that made life lovely to me."
Don't be such a fool, he said.
I do not know what else he said. But he was unwise enough to tell her what he thought of Gerry and I gather that the picture he drew was virulent. It started the first violent scene they had ever had. She had borne Charlie's jibes when she knew that she would see Gerry in an hour or next day, but now that she had lost him for ever she could bear them no longer. She had held herself in for weeks: now she flung her self-control to the winds. Perhaps she never knew exactly what she said to Charlie. He had always been irascible and at last he hit her. They were both frightened when he had. He seized a hat and flung out of the flat. During all that miserable time they had shared the same bed, but when he came back, in the middle of the night, he found that she had made herself up a shake-down on the sofa in the sitting-room.
You can't sleep there, he said. "Don't be so silly. Come to bed."
No, I won't, let me alone.
For the rest of the night they wrangled, but she had her way and now made up her bed every night on the sofa. But in that tiny flat they could not get away from one another; they could not even get out of sight or out of hearing of one another. They had lived in such intimacy for so many years that it was an instinct for them to be together. He tried to reason with her. He thought her incredibly stupid and argued with her interminably in the effort to show her how wrong-headed she was. He could not leave her alone. He would not let her sleep, and he talked half through the night till they were both exhausted. He thought he could talk her out of love. For two or three days at a time they would not speak to one another. Then one day, coming home, he found her crying bitterly; the sight of her tears distracted him; he told her how much he loved her and sought to move her by the recollection of all the happy years they had spent together. He wanted to let bygones be bygones. He promised never to refer to Gerry again. Could they not forget the nightmare they had been through? But the thought of all that a reconciliation implied revolted her. She told him she had a racking headache and asked him to give her a sleeping draught. She pretended to be still asleep when he went out next morning, but the moment he was gone she packed up her things and left. She had a few trinkets that she had inherited and by selling them she got a little money. She took a room at a cheap boarding-house and kept her address a secret from Charlie.
It was when he found she had left him that he went all to pieces. The shock of her flight broke him. He told Janet that his loneliness was intolerable. He wrote to Margery imploring her to come back, and asked Janet to intercede for him; he was willing to promise anything; he abased himself. Margery was obdurate.
Do you think she'll ever go back? I asked Janet.
She says not.
I had to leave then, for it was nearly half past one and I was bound for the other end of London.
Two or three days later I got a telephone message from Margery asking if I could see her. She suggested coming to my rooms. I asked her to tea. I tried to be nice to her; her affairs were no business of mine, but in my heart I thought her a very silly woman and I dare say my manner was cold. She had never been handsome and the passing years had changed her little. She had still those fine dark eyes and her face was astonishingly unlined. She was very simply dressed and if she wore make-up it was so cunningly put on that I did not perceive it. She had still the charm she had always had of perfect naturalness and of a kindly humour.
I want you to do something for me if you will, she began without beating about the bush.
What is it?
Charlie is leaving the Marshes today and going back to the flat. I'm afraid his first few days there will be rather difficult; it would be awfully nice of you if you'd ask him to dinner or something.
I'll have a look at my book.
I'm told he's been drinking heavily. It's such a pity. I wish you could give him a hint.
I understand he's had some domestic worries of late, I said, perhaps acidly.
Margery flushed. She gave me a pained look. She winced as though I had struck her.
Of course you've known him ever so much longer than you've known me. It's natural that you should take his part.
My dear, to tell you the truth I've known him all these years chiefly on your account. I have never very much liked him, but I thought you were awfully nice.
She smiled at me and her smile was very sweet. She knew that I meant what I said.
Do you think I was a good wife to him?
Perfect.
He used to put people's backs up. A lot of people didn't like him, but I never found him difficult.
He was awfully fond of you.
I know. We had a wonderful time together. For sixteen years we were perfectly happy. She paused and looked down. "I had to leave him. It became quite impossible. That cat-and-dog life we were leading was too awful."
I never see why two persons should go on living together if they don't want to.
You see, it was awful for us. We'd always lived in such close intimacy. We could never get away from one another. At the end I hated the sight of him.
I don't suppose the situation was easy for either of you.
It wasn't my fault that I fell in love. You see, it was quite a different love from the one I'd felt for Charlie. There was always something maternal in that and protective. I was so much more reasonable than he was. He was unmanageable, but I could always manage him. Gerry was different. Her voice grew soft and her face was transfigured with glory. "He gave me back my youth. I was a girl to him and I could depend on his strength and be safe in his care."
He seemed to me a very nice lad, I said slowly. "I imagine he'll do well. He was very young for the job he had when I ran across him. He's only twenty-nine now, isn't he?"
She smiled softly. She knew quite well what I meant.
I never made any secret of my age to him. He says it doesn't matter.
I knew this was true. She was not the woman to have lied about her age. She had found a sort of fierce delight in telling him the truth about herself.
How old are you?
Forty-four.
What are you going to do now?
I've written to Gerry and told him I've left Charlie. As soon as I hear from him I'm going out to join him. I was staggered.
You know, it's a very primitive little colony he's living in. I'm afraid you'll find your position rather awkward.
He made me promise that if I found my life impossible after he left I'd go to him.
Are you sure you're wise to attach so much importance to the things a young man says when he's in love?
Again that really beautiful look of exaltation came into her face. "Yes, when the young man happens to be Gerry."
My heart sank. I was silent for a moment. Then I told her the story of the road Gerry Morton had built. I dramatized it, and I think I made it rather effective.
What did you tell me that for? she asked when I finished.
I thought it rather a good story.
She shook her head and smiled.
No, you wanted to show me that he was very young and enthusiastic, and so keen on his work that he hadn't much time to waste on other interests. I wouldn't interfere with his work. You don't know him as I do. He's incredibly romantic. He looks upon himself as a pioneer. I've caught from him something of his excitement at the idea of taking part in the opening up of a new country. It is rather splendid, isn't it? It makes life here seem very humdrum and commonplace. But of course it's very lonely there. Even the companionship of a middle-aged woman may be worth having.
Are you proposing to marry him? I asked.
I leave myself in his hands. I want to do nothing that he does not wish.
She spoke with so much simplicity, there was something so touching in her self-surrender, that when she left me I no longer felt angry with her. Of course I thought her very foolish, but if the folly of men made one angry one would pass one's life in a state of chronic ire. I thought all would come right. She said Gerry was romantic. He was, but the romantics in this workaday world only get away with their nonsense because they have at bottom a shrewd sense of reality: the mugs are the people who take their vapourings at their face value. The English are romantic; that is why other nations think them hypocritical; they are not: they set out in all sincerity for the Kingdom of God, but the journey is arduous and they have reason to pick up any gilt-edged investment that offers itself by the way. The British soul, like Wellington's armies, marches on its belly. I supposed that Gerry would go through a bad quarter of an hour when he received Margery's letter. My sympathies were not deeply engaged in the matter and I was only curious to see how he would extricate himself from the pass he was in. I thought Margery would suffer a bitter disappointment; well, that would do her no great harm, and then she would go back to her husband and I had no doubt the pair of them, chastened, would live in peace, quiet, and happiness for the rest of their lives.
The event was different. It happened that it was quite impossible for me to make any sort of engagement with Charlie Bishop for some days, but I wrote to him and asked him to dine with me one evening in the following week. I proposed, though with misgiving, that we should go to a play; I knew he was drinking like a fish, and when tight he was noisy. I hoped he would not make a nuisance of himself in the theatre. We arranged to meet at our club and dine at seven because the piece we were going to began at a quarter past eight. I arrived. I waited. He did not come. I rang up his flat, but could get no reply, so concluded that he was on his way. I hate missing the beginning of a play and I waited impatiently in the hall so that when he came we could go straight upstairs. To save time I had ordered dinner. The clock pointed to half past seven, then a quarter to eight; I did not see why I should wait for him any longer, so walked up to the dining-room and ate my dinner alone. He did not appear. I put a call through from the dining-room to the Marshes and presently was told by a waiter that Bill Marsh was at the end of the wire.
I say, do you know anything about Charlie Bishop? I said. "We were dining together and going to a play and he hasn't turned up."
He died this afternoon.
What?
My exclamation was so startled that two or three people within earshot looked up. The dining-room was full and the waiters were hurrying to and fro. The telephone was on the cashier's desk and a wine waiter came up with a bottle of hock and two long-stemmed glasses on a tray and gave the cashier a chit. The portly steward showing two men to a table jostled me.
Where are you speaking from? asked Bill.
I suppose he heard the clatter that surrounded me. When I told him he asked me if I could come round as soon as I had finished my dinner. Janet wanted to speak to me.
I'll come at once, I said.
I found Janet and Bill sitting in the drawing-room. He was reading the paper and she was playing patience. She came forward swiftly when the maid showed me in. She walked with a sort of spring, crouching a little, on silent feet, like a panther stalking his prey. I saw at once that she was in her element. She gave me her hand and turned her face away to hide her eyes brimming with tears. Her voice was low and tragic.
I brought Margery here and put her to bed. The doctor has given her a sedative. She's all in. Isn't it awful? She gave a sound that was something between a gasp and a sob. "I don't know why these things always happen to me."
The Bishops had never kept a servant but a charwoman went in every morning, cleaned the flat, and washed up the breakfast things. She had her own key. That morning she had gone in as usual and done the sitting-room. Since his wife had left him Charlie's hours had been irregular and she was not surprised to find him asleep. But the time passed and she knew he had his work to go to. She went to the bedroom door and knocked. There was no answer. She thought she heard him groaning. She opened the door softly. He was lying in bed, on his back, and was breathing stertorously. He did not wake. She called him. Something about him frightened her. She went to the flat on the same landing. It was occupied by a journalist. He was still in bed when she rang, and opened the door to her in pyjamas.
Beg pardon, sir, she said, "but would you just come and 'ave a look at my gentleman. I don't think he's well."
The journalist walked across the landing and into Charlie's flat. There was an empty bottle of veronal by the bed.
I think you'd better fetch a policeman, he said.
A policeman came and rang through to the police station for an ambulance. They took Charlie to Charing Cross Hospital. He never recovered consciousness. Margery was with him at the end.
Of course there'll have to be an inquest, said Janet. "But it's quite obvious what happened. He'd been sleeping awfully badly for the last three or four weeks and I suppose he'd been taking veronal. He must have taken an overdose by accident."
Is that what Margery thinks? I asked.
She's too upset to think anything, but I told her I was positive he hadn't committed suicide. I mean, he wasn't that sort of a man. Am I right, Bill?
Yes, dear, he answered.
Did he leave any letter?
No, nothing. Oddly enough Margery got a letter from him this morning, well, hardly a letter, just a line. 'I'm so lonely without you, darling.' That's all. But of course that means nothing and she's promised to say nothing about it at the inquest. I mean, what is the use of putting ideas in people's heads? Everyone knows that you never can tell with veronal, I wouldn't take it myself for anything in the world, and it was quite obviously an accident. Am I right, Bill?
Yes, dear, he answered.
I saw that Janet was quite determined to believe that Charlie Bishop had not committed suicide, but how far in her heart she believed what she wanted to believe I was not sufficiently expert in female psychology to know. And of course it might be that she was right. It is unreasonable to suppose that a middle-aged scientist should kill himself because his middle-aged wife leaves him and it is extremely plausible that, exasperated by sleeplessness, and in all probability far from sober, he took a larger dose of the sleeping-draught than he realized. Anyhow that was the view the coroner took of the matter. It was indicated to him that of late Charles Bishop had given way to habits of intemperance which had caused his wife to leave him, and it was quite obvious that nothing was further from his thoughts than to put an end to himself. The coroner expressed his sympathy with the widow and commented very strongly on the dangers of sleeping-draughts.
I hate funerals, but Janet begged me to go to Charlie's. Several of his colleagues at the hospital had intimated their desire to come, but at Margery's wish they were dissuaded; and Janet and Bill, Margery and I were the only persons who attended it. We were to fetch the hearse from the mortuary and they offered to call for me on their way. I was on the look-out for the car and when I saw it drive up went downstairs, but Bill got out and met me just inside the door.
Half a minute, he said. "I've got something to say to you. Janet wants you to come back afterwards and have tea. She says it's no good Margery moping and after tea we'll play a few rubbers of bridge. Can you come?"
Like this? I asked.
I had a tail coat on and a black tie and my evening dress trousers.
Oh, that's all right. It'll take Margery's mind off.
Very well.
But we did not play bridge after all. Janet, with her fair hair, was very smart in her deep mourning and she played the part of the sympathetic friend with amazing skill. She cried a little, wiping her eyes delicately so as not to disturb the black on her eyelashes, and when Margery sobbed broken-heartedly put her arm tenderly through hers. She was a very present help in trouble. We returned to the house. There was a telegram for Margery. She took it and went upstairs. I presumed it was a message of condolence from one of Charlie's friends who had just heard of his death. Bill went to change and Janet and I went up to the drawing-room and got the bridge table out. She took off her hat and put it on the piano.
It's no good being hypocritical. she said. "Of course Margery has been frightfully upset, but she must pull herself together now. A rubber of bridge will help her to get back to her normal state. Naturally I'm dreadfully sorry about poor Charlie, but as far as he was concerned I don't believe he'd ever have got over Margery's leaving him and one can't deny that it has made things much easier for her. She wired to Gerry this morning."
What about?
To tell him about poor Charlie.
At that moment the maid came to the room.
Will you go up to Mrs. Bishop, please, ma'am? She wants to see you.
Yes, of course.
She went out of the room quickly and I was left alone. Bill joined me presently and we had a drink. At last Janet came back. She handed a telegram to me. It read as follows:
For God's sake await letter. Gerry
What do you think it means? she asked me. "What it says," I replied.
Idiot! Of course I've told Margery that it doesn't mean anything, but she's rather worried. It must have crossed her cable telling him that Charles was dead. I don't think she feels very much like bridge after all. I mean, it would be rather bad form to play on the very day her husband has been buried.
Quite, I said.
Of course he may wire in answer to the cable. He's sure to do that, isn't he? The only thing we can do now is to sit tight and wait for his letter.
I saw no object in continuing the conversation. I left. In a couple of days Janet rang me up to tell me that Margery had received a telegram of condolence from Morton. She repeated it to me:
Dreadfully distressed to hear sad news. Deeply sympathize with your great grief.Love. Gerry
What do you think of it? she asked me.
I think it's very proper.
Of course he couldn't say he was as pleased as Punch, could he?
Not with any delicacy.
And he did put in love.
I imagined how those women had examined the two telegrams from every point of view and scrutinized every word to press from it every possible shade of meaning. I almost heard their interminable conversations.
I don't know what'll happen to Margery if he lets her down now, Janet went on. "Of course it remains to be seen if he's a gentleman."
Rot, I said and rang off quickly.
In the course of the following days I dined with the Marshes a couple of times. Margery looked tired. I guessed that she awaited the letter that was on the way with sickening anxiety. Grief and fear had worn her to a shadow, she seemed very fragile now and she had acquired a spiritual look that I had never seen in her before. She was very gentle, very grateful for every kindness shown her, and in her smile, unsure and a little timid, was an infinite pathos. Her helplessness was very appealing. But Morton was several thousand miles away. Then one morning Janet rang me up.
The letter has come. Margery says I can show it to you. Will you come round?
Her tense voice told me everything. When I arrived Janet gave it to me. I read it. It was a very careful letter and I guessed that Morton had written it a good many times. It was very kind and he had evidently taken great pains to avoid saying anything that could possibly wound Margery; but what transpired was his terror. It was obvious that he was shaking in his shoes. He had felt apparently that the best way to cope with the situation was to be mildly facetious and he made very good fun of the white people in the colony. What would they say if Margery suddenly turned up? He would be given the order of the boot pretty damn quick. People thought the East was free and easy; it wasn't, it was more suburban than Clapham. He loved Margery far too much to bear the thoughts of those horrible women out there turning up their noses at her. And besides he had been sent to a station ten days from anywhere; she couldn't live in his bungalow exactly and of course there wasn't a hotel, and his work took him out into the jungle for days at a time. It was no place for a woman anyhow. He told her how much she meant to him, but she mustn't bother about him and he couldn't help thinking it would be better if she went back to her husband. He would never forgive himself if he thought he had come between her and Charlie. Yes, I am quite sure it had been a difficult letter to write.
Of course he didn't know then that Charlie was dead. I've told Margery that changes everything.
Does she agree with you?
I think she's being rather unreasonable. What do you make of the letter?
Well, it's quite plain that he doesn't want her.
He wanted her badly enough two months ago.
It's astonishing what a change of air and a change of scene will do for you. It must seem to him already like a year since he left London. He's back among his old friends and his old interests. My dear, it's no good Margery kidding herself; the life there has taken him back and there's no place for her.
I've advised her to ignore the letter and go straight out to him.
I hope she's too sensible to expose herself to a very terrible rebuff.
But then what's to happen to her? Oh, it's too cruel. She's the best woman in the world. She has real goodness.
It's funny if you come to think of it, it's her goodness that has caused all the trouble. Why on earth didn't she have an affair with Morton? Charlie would have known nothing about it and wouldn't have been a penny the worse. She and Morton could have had a grand time and when he went away they could have parted with the consciousness that a pleasant episode had come to a graceful end. It would have been a jolly recollection, and she could have gone back to Charlie satisfied and rested and continued to make him the excellent wife she had always been.
Janet pursed her lips. She gave me a look of disdain.
There is such a thing as virtue, you know.
Virtue be damned. A virtue that only causes havoc and unhappiness is worth nothing. You can call it virtue if you like. I call it cowardice.
The thought of being unfaithful to Charlie while she was living with him revolted her. There are women like that, you know.
Good gracious, she could have remained faithful to him in spirit while she was being unfaithful to him in the flesh. That is a feat of legerdemain that women find it easy to accomplish.
What an odious cynic you are.
If it's cynical to look truth in the face and exercise common sense in the affairs of life, then certainly I'm a cynic and odious if you like. Let's face it, Margery's a middle-aged woman, Charlie was fifty-five and they'd been married for sixteen years. It was natural enough that she should lose her head over a young man who made a fuss of her. But don't call it love. It was physiology. She was a fool to take anything he said seriously. It wasn't himself speaking, it was his starved sex, he'd suffered from sexual starvation, at least as far as white women are concerned, for four years; it's monstrous that she should seek to ruin his life by holding him to the wild promises he made then. It was an accident that Margery took his fancy; he wanted her, and because he couldn't get her wanted her more. I dare say he thought it love; believe me, it was only letch. If they'd gone to bed together Charlie would be alive today. It's her damned virtue that caused the whole trouble.
How stupid you are. Don't you see that she couldn't help herself? She just doesn't happen to be a loose woman.
I prefer a loose woman to a selfish one and a wanton to a fool.
Oh, shut up. I didn't ask you to come here in order to make yourself absolutely beastly.
What did you ask me to come here for?
Gerry is your friend. You introduced him to Margery. If she's in the soup it's on his account. But you are the cause of the whole trouble. It's your duty to write to him and tell him he must do the right thing by her.
I'm damned if I will, I said.
Then you'd better go.
I started to do so.
Well, at all events it's a mercy that Charlie's life was insured, said Janet.
Then I turned on her.
And you have the nerve to call me a cynic
I will not repeat the opprobious word I flung at her as I slammed the door behind me. But Janet is all the same a very nice woman. I often think it would be great fun to be married to her.
張曉峰 譯
幾乎沒有任何東西能與一支高檔雪茄的滋味相媲美。我年輕的時(shí)候很窮,只有偶爾別人送我一支我才能過過煙癮。我當(dāng)時(shí)下定決心要是有了錢,我一定要在每天午飯和晚飯后都美美地吸上一支雪茄。說起來,這還是我年輕時(shí)所做的決定中唯一堅(jiān)持下來的一個(gè),也是唯一一個(gè)我實(shí)現(xiàn)了并從未因幻滅而怨恨的抱負(fù)。我喜歡那種香味濃郁但又不太沖的雪茄,長度不能太短,太短的話,在你品出滋味前,煙就吸沒了;也不能太長,太長的話又會(huì)讓你感到厭煩。雪茄煙卷的松緊也要正好。過緊的話吸起來費(fèi)力,過松的話,吸到最后,嘴邊就會(huì)變得骯臟不堪。只有這樣一支雪茄,吸完之后,你才會(huì)有一種意猶未盡的感覺。但是當(dāng)你吸完最后一口,扔掉殘剩的煙蒂,望著眼前漸漸消逝于周圍空氣中的最后一縷煙霧時(shí),如果你是一個(gè)感性之人,一想到這支雪茄所經(jīng)歷的那些勞動(dòng)、養(yǎng)護(hù),還有苦心,以及為了提供給你這半小時(shí)的歡愉所必需的復(fù)雜工序隨著雪茄的燃盡都化為烏有,你不難產(chǎn)生一種傷感之情。對常年在熱帶陽光的灼烤下汗流浹背,乘船走遍了七大洋的這類人而言,吃著一打牡蠣(就著半瓶干白葡萄酒),這種傷感就更加強(qiáng)烈了。如果將牡蠣換成羊排,這種感傷之情就會(huì)強(qiáng)烈得讓人難以承受。因?yàn)檠蚴且环N動(dòng)物。你不禁要想了,自打地球表面有了生物,又經(jīng)過了億萬年的變遷,動(dòng)物們經(jīng)過無數(shù)代繁衍的結(jié)果就是它們最終被碼放到盛滿碎冰的盤子上,或置于銀質(zhì)烤肉架上。也許嘴里嚼著一只牡蠣難以讓你產(chǎn)生這種極端嚴(yán)肅的聯(lián)想。我們通過生物進(jìn)化的知識(shí)知道,這種雙殼類生物千百萬年來幾乎沒有變化,因而難以獲得人類的同情。這種生物以一種超然的態(tài)度生活在地球上,簡直就是對我們?nèi)祟愡M(jìn)取精神的一種冒犯;這種生物志得意滿地躺在那里,讓我們自負(fù)的人類頓生厭惡之情。但如果眼前是一盤羊排,恐怕所有人都會(huì)被激發(fā)出無限的遐思:畢竟在羊這種動(dòng)物的進(jìn)化歷史中,處處可見我們?nèi)祟惖挠白?,我們在餐桌上溫柔的一小口與這種動(dòng)物密不可分。
有時(shí)想想,即使我們?nèi)祟惖拿\(yùn)也同樣令人難以捉摸??纯瓷磉吥切┎黄鹧鄣钠胀ㄈ?,不論他們是銀行職員、清潔工還是站在合唱團(tuán)第二排人到中年的老姑娘,都會(huì)讓人產(chǎn)生一種好奇之感。我們不禁想到,人類是怎樣從原生漿液開始,經(jīng)過冗長的歷史變遷與生命的演化,經(jīng)過一長串災(zāi)變事件,成了現(xiàn)在他們各自的樣子?當(dāng)這樣巨大的興衰變遷造就了此時(shí)的他們,你不禁要想,這些人的身上一定寄托著某種巨大的意義,你也一定會(huì)想,無論這些人的生活中遇到了什么難事,與生命精神或其他造就了他們生命的事物相比,都是小事一樁。思路突然中斷了。正想著世界的起源,突然又想起了別的事情,似乎這兩者之間沒有任何聯(lián)系。這簡直就是個(gè)白癡在講故事!如果不是這件事情有些稀奇古怪,情節(jié)又頗具戲劇性,誰還能在這里聽我啰里啰唆講這些瑣碎之事呢?
一件本來也許不會(huì)發(fā)生的小事卻產(chǎn)生了重大的后果,這真是誰也無法料到。看起來所有的事情都全靠運(yùn)氣。我們一個(gè)最細(xì)微的活動(dòng)也許就能對他人的一生產(chǎn)生重大的影響,而這些人卻和我們毫不相干。如果不是某天我走到了街對面,我在這里要講的故事根本就不會(huì)發(fā)生。生活有時(shí)真的很不可思議,只有具備特別的幽默感的人才能品味出其中的樂趣。
一個(gè)春日的上午,我正在邦德大街上無所事事地閑逛。到中午的時(shí)候,我突然想起應(yīng)該到索斯比拍賣行去看看,看是否有自己感興趣的東西在拍賣?,F(xiàn)在街上正堵車,我穿過擁堵的車輛,走到街道另一側(cè)時(shí),碰到了一個(gè)我在婆羅洲時(shí)認(rèn)識(shí)的男人。他剛剛從一家衣帽店走出來。
“你好啊,莫頓,”我向他打招呼道,“什么時(shí)候回的國???”
“我回國大約有一星期了吧。”
他是一個(gè)地方官員。英屬北婆羅洲總督給我寫了一封介紹信去見他。我在信中告訴他,我打算在他那里待上一個(gè)星期,應(yīng)該是住在政府開辦的招待所。當(dāng)我乘船到達(dá)那里的時(shí)候,他到船上接我,讓我同他住。我不同意他的安排,我無法同一個(gè)完全陌生的人在一起待一個(gè)星期,我也不想讓他為我破費(fèi)。此外,我想自己一個(gè)人住招待所會(huì)更自由一些。但他不聽我的解釋。
“我家有很多空房間,”他說道,“而且招待所的條件很糟糕。我已經(jīng)整整六個(gè)月沒有跟一個(gè)白種人說話了,我周圍那幫人讓我煩透了。”
當(dāng)我跟莫頓乘坐汽艇上岸,回到他住的平房后,他請我喝了一杯。面對我這個(gè)客人,他有些手足無措。他突然感到有些窘迫,說話的語氣也不自然了。我盡力讓他感覺像在家一樣(但這是他自己的家,原本不該由我來這樣做)。我問他有沒有新唱片,他打開留聲機(jī),拉格泰姆的曲調(diào)響了起來,他這才恢復(fù)了自信。
他的平房可以俯瞰蜿蜒而過的河流,他的客廳設(shè)在一個(gè)大陽臺(tái)上。客廳內(nèi)的家具陳設(shè)非常呆板,與房主經(jīng)常變換工作地點(diǎn)的政府官員的身份相襯。墻上掛著一些裝飾品,包括當(dāng)?shù)厝舜鞯母鞣N帽子,還有各種動(dòng)物的角、吹管和長矛;書架上則擱著偵探小說和舊雜志??蛷d內(nèi)還有一架立式小鋼琴,琴鍵已經(jīng)有些發(fā)黃了??蛷d內(nèi)雖說非常凌亂,但待著還算舒服。
不幸的是,我記不太清他當(dāng)時(shí)是什么模樣了。他很年輕,我后來了解到他當(dāng)時(shí)只有二十八歲。他笑起來像個(gè)大男孩,很是迷人。我同他在一起待了一個(gè)星期,感覺很愉快。我倆沿著河來回溜達(dá),一起去爬山。一天,我倆還同幾個(gè)種植園主一起吃了午飯,這些種植園主居住在離這里二十英里遠(yuǎn)的地方。每天晚上我們都去俱樂部玩。這家俱樂部僅有的會(huì)員是當(dāng)?shù)匾患吟匪峒庸S的經(jīng)理和他的助手。但他們之間關(guān)系密切,很少與外人往來。只是在莫頓提出抗議,說他帶了客人來,他們不能讓他沒面子的情況下,他們才同意與我倆打一局橋牌,但氣氛并不友好。我倆從俱樂部回到住處吃晚飯,聽聽音樂,之后就上床睡覺了。莫頓很少待在辦公室辦公。你會(huì)以為他的生活一定很沉悶,但他卻一天到晚精力充沛、情緒高昂。他是第一次出任這類職務(wù),很高興自己能夠獨(dú)立完成一項(xiàng)工作。他唯一感到焦慮的是在他督建的這條公路完工前,自己就會(huì)被調(diào)到其他地方去。他是發(fā)自內(nèi)心地喜愛這項(xiàng)工作。是他提議修建這條公路,然后哄著當(dāng)局拿出錢來讓他督建這條公路的。他親自勘察、測繪,獨(dú)自解決了施工中出現(xiàn)的技術(shù)難題。每天早上去辦公室之前,他都要開著那輛快要散架的舊福特車到施工現(xiàn)場轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn),查看前一天的施工進(jìn)度。他心無旁騖,甚至連晚上做夢都?jí)舻竭@條路。他預(yù)計(jì)這條公路能在一年內(nèi)完工,在完工之前他不想被調(diào)離。即便是畫家或雕刻家創(chuàng)作一件藝術(shù)作品時(shí)也沒有他現(xiàn)在這么高的熱情。我想,正是他的這股熱情讓我喜歡上了他。我喜歡他對工作的熱情,喜歡他的誠懇樸實(shí)。他為了完成這項(xiàng)工作已經(jīng)達(dá)到了忘我的地步,孤獨(dú)的生活,是否能得到提拔,甚至連回國的事,對他而言都無關(guān)緊要了。我忘了這段公路有多長,大概有十五到二十英里吧;我也忘了修這條公路的目的是什么,我想莫頓也不大關(guān)心修這條公路的目的。他對這項(xiàng)工作的熱情就像藝術(shù)家的熱情一樣,他是抱著征服大自然的目的去完成這項(xiàng)工作的,而在這個(gè)過程中他學(xué)到了知識(shí)。他要與熱帶雨林抗?fàn)?,傾盆暴雨會(huì)將幾個(gè)星期的施工頃刻沖毀,道路測量時(shí)也會(huì)出現(xiàn)種種問題。他要負(fù)責(zé)招募和組織施工隊(duì),而且還要面對資金短缺的難題。他靠想象力支撐著自己。他的工作就如同一部宏大的史詩,工作中的酸甜苦辣如同一部有著無數(shù)情節(jié)的英雄傳奇故事。
他唯一抱怨的事情是白日太短。白天他有公務(wù)。他是法官,也是收稅員;在他滿二十八歲后還成了所屬教區(qū)的教父和教母,他要不時(shí)離開家到各處去走訪。除非他盯在施工現(xiàn)場,否則工程根本不會(huì)有進(jìn)展。他恨不得一天二十四個(gè)小時(shí)都待在工地上督促那些一心磨洋工的勞工更加賣力地工作。碰巧我到那里的前不久就發(fā)生了一件使他非常高興的事。他曾提出將這條道路的一段分包給一個(gè)中國人,但這個(gè)包工頭要價(jià)太高,超過了莫頓的預(yù)算。經(jīng)過漫長的討價(jià)還價(jià)之后,他們還是無法達(dá)成協(xié)議。眼看著道路施工的進(jìn)度無法完成,莫頓心中火冒三丈,但卻無計(jì)可施。然而一天早上來到辦公室后,他聽說昨天晚上在一家中國人開辦的賭場中發(fā)生了一起斗毆事件。一名中國苦力在斗毆中受了重傷,肇事者已經(jīng)被逮捕,而這名肇事者正是那個(gè)包工頭。包工頭被起訴了,證據(jù)確鑿,莫頓判了他服勞役八個(gè)月。
“現(xiàn)在他還得去修這條該死的路,而且一分錢也拿不到了。”莫頓告訴我這個(gè)故事的時(shí)候,兩眼閃閃發(fā)光。
一天上午,我們看見了這個(gè)正在干活的家伙。他身著犯人們穿的紗籠,冷漠地干著活兒。他泰然地接受了自己這種倒霉的命運(yùn)。
“我告訴過他,如果道路能早日完成,我就免除他剩余的刑期,”莫頓說道,“他非常高傲,竟然拒絕了。其實(shí)這對我來說不是小事一樁嗎,是不是?”
當(dāng)我與莫頓告別時(shí),我讓他回國后一定要和我聯(lián)系。他向我保證一回國就立馬給我寫信。一個(gè)人可能會(huì)在一時(shí)沖動(dòng)之下發(fā)出這類邀請,而另一人可能完全是非常真誠地對待這件事。但是當(dāng)后者真把這件事當(dāng)真了,則前者多少會(huì)感到有些驚愕。人們經(jīng)常在回國后與他們在海外時(shí)完全判若兩人。在海外時(shí)他們表現(xiàn)得平易近人、熱忱不做作。他們會(huì)有很多有趣的事告訴你,他們會(huì)對你非常友好。你會(huì)非常急于做點(diǎn)兒什么,以此來表示自己對所受的熱情款待的感激之情。但真要回報(bào)起來卻很難。有些人很善于當(dāng)東家,他們會(huì)讓客人有種賓至如歸的感覺。但他們卻可能是些讓人乏味的客人。他們會(huì)緊張,很靦腆。當(dāng)你把他們介紹給自己的朋友時(shí),你的朋友們會(huì)認(rèn)為他們乏味至極。你的朋友們會(huì)盡量表現(xiàn)得禮貌一些。但這些陌生人一走,朋友們就會(huì)寬慰地舒一口氣,談話也會(huì)再次恢復(fù)到往常那種輕松的氛圍。我想,那些早早就參加了工作,生活在邊遠(yuǎn)地區(qū)的人對此會(huì)感受更深一些,因?yàn)樗麄儚闹械玫降氖强酀托呷韪小R驗(yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn),那些居住在深林邊緣,在遠(yuǎn)離總部的分支機(jī)構(gòu)工作的人很少接受別人的邀請。盡管這些邀請非常誠摯,他們自己當(dāng)初也是非常真心地接受了邀請,但他們還是不會(huì)踐約。但莫頓不同,他是一個(gè)年輕的單身漢。通常這些人的妻子更難參與社交活動(dòng)。其他女人只要掃一眼她們身上穿的土氣服裝,看看她們的神態(tài),就能知道她們是外省人,然后用冷漠的態(tài)度將她們晾在一邊。但一個(gè)男人還可以玩玩橋牌、打打網(wǎng)球、跳跳舞。莫頓的氣質(zhì)很迷人,只要有一兩天時(shí)間,他就能適應(yīng)這種環(huán)境,對此我毫不懷疑。
“你回國了怎么不告訴我呢?”我問他道。
“我想,你可能并不想被我打擾。”他笑著說。
“真是胡說八道。”
我們就這樣站在邦德大街的路邊說了一會(huì)兒話,當(dāng)然在我看來他變化很大。我在他那里的時(shí)候,他從來都只穿卡其色的短褲和一件網(wǎng)球衫,只有在晚上我倆從俱樂部回到住處后,他才會(huì)換上一件睡衣上裝,和一條紗籠來吃晚飯。這身裝束可以說是迄今為止人類所發(fā)明的服裝中,穿著最舒適的晚間服裝了。現(xiàn)在他身穿一身藍(lán)嗶嘰西裝,顯得有些拘束。在雪白襯衣領(lǐng)子的襯托下,他的面孔更顯黝黑了。
“那條路修得怎么樣了?”我問道。
“修完了。我一直擔(dān)心工程不能按時(shí)完工,耽誤我回國的行程??焱旯さ臅r(shí)候遇到了一兩個(gè)障礙,但我督促他們往前搶進(jìn)度。我在回國的前一天開著那輛福特車在這條路上從頭跑到尾,一路都沒有停車。”
我大笑起來。他高興的樣子很迷人。
“你回倫敦后都在忙些什么?”
“買衣服。”
“玩得開心嗎?”
“很開心。就是有點(diǎn)兒孤單,這你知道。但我并不在意。我每晚都去看一場演出。帕爾默一家就要回倫敦了。我想你在沙撈越[1]時(shí)見過他們。我們打算一起玩玩。但他倆要先回蘇格蘭,因?yàn)榕翣柲蛉说哪赣H病了。”
他的話雖然是輕描淡寫,但卻刺到了我的痛處。他們這類人都有這樣共同的經(jīng)歷。這種經(jīng)歷讓人想想就心碎。離回國還有好幾個(gè)月的時(shí)間,他們就開始制訂回國的計(jì)劃;當(dāng)他們離船踏上倫敦的土地時(shí),他們會(huì)興奮得難以自制。倫敦!這里到處都是商店、俱樂部、劇院和餐廳。倫敦!他們將在這里生活下去了。倫敦!他們將淹沒于其中。倫敦對他們而言是一個(gè)陌生而混亂的城市,沒有敵意,但充滿了冷漠,而他們迷失在了這里。他們在這里沒有朋友,他們與在這里結(jié)交的熟人沒有任何共同之處。他們在這里比在叢林中更感孤獨(dú)。如果在劇院碰上了一個(gè)他們在東方認(rèn)識(shí)的熟人,他們會(huì)感到十分欣慰(或許對方卻對此深感厭煩,極為反感)。他們也許會(huì)約好在某個(gè)晚上見面,在歡聲笑語中回味他們在一起時(shí)的快樂時(shí)光,談?wù)摴餐呐笥?,最后還會(huì)相互透露一點(diǎn)兒自己當(dāng)年的小秘密。當(dāng)然過后也不會(huì)為此而后悔。當(dāng)他們要分手的時(shí)候,他們還會(huì)約定下次見面的時(shí)間。他們會(huì)相互拜訪對方的家庭,當(dāng)然也很高興見到彼此的家人。但今非昔比,環(huán)境已經(jīng)不同了,他們會(huì)感到自己有點(diǎn)兒像是個(gè)局外人。你最終意識(shí)到倫敦人的生活就是這樣死氣沉沉?;貒拇_令人興趣盎然,但現(xiàn)在你真的無法再忍受這里的生活了。有時(shí)你會(huì)想念自己俯瞰河流的平房,想念自己當(dāng)初在那里旅游的生活。那些在藍(lán)色的月光下造訪山打根[2]、古晉[3]或新加坡的日子是多么快樂呀。
我想起當(dāng)初莫頓對我傾吐的期望。當(dāng)時(shí)他說,一旦公路完工,了卻了心事,他就要請假回國。而現(xiàn)在他回到了倫敦,但他卻是一個(gè)人凄涼地坐在一家沒有任何熟人的俱樂部里吃晚飯,或者孤單單地在蘇活區(qū)的一家餐廳,吃完飯就去看電影??措娪耙彩亲约阂粋€(gè)人,甚至沒有人在放映間隙里陪他喝上一杯。想到這里,我的心中泛起一陣劇痛。與此同時(shí),我也想到,即使我知道他回到了倫敦,我也幫不上什么忙。上個(gè)星期我忙得不可開交。就在我要出國的頭天晚上,我還陪朋友吃了飯,看了一場電影。
“今晚你怎么安排的?”我問他道。
“我打算上布萊頓酒店去吃飯。那里經(jīng)常是人滿為患,難得訂到一個(gè)座位。但路對過有一個(gè)很有本事的家伙,他給我預(yù)訂了一個(gè)座位。當(dāng)然那是別人推掉的。你知道,即使難于弄到兩個(gè)退座,弄到一張退座還是不難。”
“你為什么不過來和我一起吃晚飯呢?今晚我要跟幾個(gè)朋友一起在干草市場飯店吃飯。飯后我們要去席羅茲俱樂部玩。”
“那好啊。”
我們約定十一點(diǎn)見面。然后我與他分手去赴一個(gè)約會(huì)。
我有些擔(dān)心今晚我讓莫頓見的那些朋友不太能讓他盡興,因?yàn)樗麄內(nèi)际乔逡簧闹心耆?。但我?shí)在想不出在一年中的這個(gè)季節(jié)還有哪個(gè)年輕人能被我抓來應(yīng)應(yīng)急,也想不出有哪個(gè)我熟識(shí)的姑娘樂于答應(yīng)我,去陪一個(gè)靦腆的從馬來亞來的年輕人吃飯和跳舞。不過我相信畢肖普夫婦能夠盡他們所能來幫他。不管怎么說,能有幾個(gè)人在一家俱樂部里陪他吃晚飯,還能在那里看美女們跳舞,應(yīng)該能討他開心,這比他自己一個(gè)人在半夜十一點(diǎn)就回家上床睡覺強(qiáng)多了。因?yàn)樗谶@里也沒有其他地方可去了。當(dāng)我還是一個(gè)醫(yī)學(xué)院的學(xué)生時(shí),我就認(rèn)識(shí)了查理·畢肖普。他那時(shí)長得又瘦又小,一頭淺褐色頭發(fā),相貌平平。他雖然有一雙又黑又亮的漂亮眼睛,卻戴了一副眼鏡。他紅紅的圓臉盤總是一副快樂模樣。他非常喜愛美女。我想他應(yīng)該自有辦法和莫頓相處,因?yàn)榧幢銢]錢沒長相,他卻總能設(shè)法召集一幫年輕人,隨他一起到各地去旅游。他人很聰明,但頗為自負(fù),而且好爭論,性子急,說話很刻薄?;剡^頭來想想,我敢說當(dāng)時(shí)的他是一個(gè)不那么好處的年輕人,但我并不覺得他很討厭。現(xiàn)在他已經(jīng)五十五歲了,身材見胖,光頭一個(gè),但金邊眼鏡下的一雙眼睛依然機(jī)敏有神。說話還是那么武斷,甚至有些自以為是;依舊好爭論,一嘴的刻薄;但他脾氣很好,而且言語幽默。當(dāng)這樣一個(gè)人成了你的老朋友后,他的這些習(xí)性就不會(huì)再惹惱你了。你會(huì)容忍他的這些毛病,就如同容忍自己的身體缺陷一樣。他是一個(gè)病理學(xué)家。他時(shí)不時(shí)會(huì)送我一本他剛剛出版的、薄薄的書。書的內(nèi)容非常專業(yè),配有大量的細(xì)菌照片做插圖。這些書我都沒有讀過。從我時(shí)不時(shí)聽來的消息來看,查理的學(xué)術(shù)觀點(diǎn)是錯(cuò)誤的。我想他不怎么受他同行們的待見。他毫不掩飾自己對同行們的看法,認(rèn)為他們都是一些不稱職的傻瓜。但他一直做著病理學(xué)家這份工作,這讓他一年有六百至八百英鎊的收入。我想,他并不在乎別人對他的看法。
我喜歡查理·畢肖普這個(gè)人,因?yàn)槲乙呀?jīng)與他相識(shí)三十年了;我也喜歡他妻子馬熱麗,因?yàn)樗朔浅:?。?dāng)他告訴我他打算結(jié)婚的時(shí)候,我感到非常驚訝。當(dāng)時(shí)他四十出頭,且用情不專。因此我當(dāng)時(shí)斷定,他恐怕要打一輩子光棍了。他非常喜歡女人,但絕不感情用事,他也并不特別在意要哪一類型的女人。他對女性的評(píng)價(jià)在理想主義盛行的當(dāng)今會(huì)被認(rèn)為是粗俗的。他知道自己需要什么,也會(huì)去爭取。無論是出于愛還是出于金錢,如果無法得到他想要的,他就會(huì)聳聳肩膀,一走了之。簡言之,他并不需要女人來滿足自己精神上的理想,只要提供給他肉體上的歡愉即可。奇怪的是,盡管他又瘦又小,相貌平平,卻能找到如此多心甘情愿讓他遂意的女人。至于精神上的需求,他能夠從單細(xì)胞生物中得到滿足。他是一個(gè)說話切中要害的人。當(dāng)他告訴我要與一個(gè)叫馬熱麗·霍布森的年輕女人結(jié)婚時(shí),我當(dāng)即問他為什么。他咧嘴一笑。
“有三方面原因,”他說,“首先,我不跟她結(jié)婚,她就不跟我上床;其次,她能讓我笑得像土狗一樣;第三,她在這個(gè)世界無依無靠,沒有一個(gè)親人,必須有人來照顧她。”
“第一個(gè)理由你只是在炫耀,第二個(gè)理由是空話,第三個(gè)才是真正的原因??磥砟阋呀?jīng)任由她擺布了。”
他的雙眼在他那副大眼鏡下溫和地閃爍著。
“你這家伙,什么事都能一眼看穿。”
“你現(xiàn)在不僅對她百依百順,而且還為此揚(yáng)揚(yáng)得意。”
“明天過來吃午飯,認(rèn)識(shí)認(rèn)識(shí)她。她長得挺好看的。”
查理是一家不限男女的俱樂部的會(huì)員。那時(shí)我也經(jīng)常出入這家俱樂部。我們約定明天在那里吃飯。我發(fā)現(xiàn)馬熱麗是一個(gè)非常吸引人的年輕女人,那時(shí)她快滿三十了,很有修養(yǎng)。這讓我很滿意,同時(shí)也有幾分吃驚。因?yàn)椴槔硗ǔV粚δ切┎惶薪甜B(yǎng)的女人感興趣,這一點(diǎn)逃不過我的眼睛。她的長相雖說不上多好,但挺標(biāo)致,有一頭漂亮的黑發(fā)和一雙漂亮的眼睛。膚色白皙,看起來很健康。她說話非常率直,讓人聽起來很舒服。她看起來是一個(gè)誠實(shí)、單純、可信任的人。我立馬就喜歡上了她。她很容易交談,對于別人所說的,雖然她并沒有什么獨(dú)到見解,但她馬上就能領(lǐng)悟其中的可笑之處,而且她還是一個(gè)爽朗之人。她留給人們的印象是能干和務(wù)實(shí)。她的快活平和說明她有一個(gè)好脾氣,而且悟性很高。
他們倆似乎對彼此非常滿意。我第一次見到她時(shí),曾自問:為什么馬熱麗要嫁給這樣一個(gè)脾氣暴躁的小個(gè)子男人?他不僅已經(jīng)開始謝頂,而且也不年輕了。但我很快就發(fā)現(xiàn)了答案,她愛這個(gè)男人。他倆經(jīng)常互相揶揄,然后哈哈大笑;他倆的目光不時(shí)相對,眼神意味深長,似乎在傳遞只有他倆才能理解的信息。這真是令人感動(dòng)呢。
一個(gè)星期后,他倆就在一家結(jié)婚登記處辦理了結(jié)婚手續(xù)。這樁婚姻非常美滿。十六年后的現(xiàn)在回味起來,想到嬉鬧使他倆結(jié)合在一起,我還禁不住要同情地竊笑一番。我從未見過如此恩愛有加的一對夫婦,雖然經(jīng)濟(jì)上始終不很寬裕,但卻其樂融融。他們沒有什么遠(yuǎn)大的抱負(fù),生活對他們而言就像一次永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)結(jié)束的野餐。他倆住在潘通大街的一處公寓內(nèi),是我所見過的最小的公寓,包括一間小臥室、一間小客廳和一間廚衛(wèi)并用的房間。但他倆沒有家的觀念。他們通常去飯館吃飯,只有早點(diǎn)才在公寓吃。這里只是他倆睡覺的地方。他們的小家布置得很舒適,只是來個(gè)客人喝杯摻蘇打水的威士忌時(shí),房間就會(huì)顯得有點(diǎn)兒擁擠了。馬熱麗雇了一個(gè)按日付薪的清潔女工,將房間打掃得非常整潔。只是查理邋遢慣了,對此感到有些不大適應(yīng)。室內(nèi)的所有設(shè)施幾乎都是兩人共用的。他倆還有一輛微型轎車,只要查理休假,他倆就會(huì)鉆進(jìn)汽車穿過海峽,開始旅行。每人一個(gè)大袋子就能把所有的行李都打包好,想上哪兒就上哪兒。如果路上車壞了他倆也從不煩惱,遇到了壞天氣也當(dāng)作一件開心的事,就是輪胎爆了,他們也只當(dāng)是又出了一樁笑話,如果迷了路,不得不在野外過夜,他倆就會(huì)把這視為最快活的一天。
查理仍然是好爭論,脾氣暴躁,但馬熱麗總能保持著平和的態(tài)度。她一句話就能使他冷靜下來,再說幾句就能使他笑起來。她為他關(guān)于鮮為人知的細(xì)菌的專著打字,從科學(xué)雜志中尋找資料。有一次我問他們吵過架沒有。
“沒有,”她回答道,“我倆似乎從來沒有什么要吵的。查理的脾氣好極了。”
“胡說,”我反駁道,“他是個(gè)蠻橫、好斗、脾氣暴躁的家伙,他一直都是這樣。”
她看看自己的丈夫,咯咯地笑了。我明白她認(rèn)為我是在開玩笑。
“讓他胡言亂語,”查理說道,“他是個(gè)無知透頂?shù)谋康?,他甚至都不知道自己在胡說些什么。”
他倆在一起的時(shí)候非常甜蜜,非常享受對方的陪伴。他倆盡可能地待在一起。即使在結(jié)婚很久之后,查理依舊每天中午開車到城西,與馬熱麗在一家餐廳一起用餐。如果有人請他倆到鄉(xiāng)間去度個(gè)周末,馬熱麗就會(huì)寫信給女主人,詢問是否能為他倆準(zhǔn)備一張雙人床。如果行的話,他倆就會(huì)欣然接受邀請。人們常常為此有點(diǎn)兒陰陽怪氣地善意取笑他倆。他倆在一起睡了這么多年,但還是不能分床睡。一般人可能都會(huì)對此感到有點(diǎn)兒尷尬。通常來說,丈夫與妻子不僅會(huì)在各自的臥室睡覺,如果要讓他們共用一個(gè)衛(wèi)生間,他們恐怕都會(huì)不高興?,F(xiàn)在一般人家的臥室都是單人間,但如果你要邀請畢肖普夫婦到你家做客暫住的話,一定要準(zhǔn)備一個(gè)有雙人床的客房。這在他倆的朋友圈子中已經(jīng)人所共知。當(dāng)然有些人認(rèn)為他倆這樣做不大合適,但滿足他倆的這個(gè)要求并不麻煩。而且他們夫婦倆都討人喜歡,滿足他們的這個(gè)怪癖還是值得的。查理總是精神頭十足,刻薄的說話方式很是風(fēng)趣,馬熱麗嫻靜而隨和,能請到他倆來做客,是一件讓人感到快活的事情。而對他倆而言,沒有什么能比兩人在鄉(xiāng)間漫步更愜意的了,他倆常常會(huì)走很遠(yuǎn)。
一個(gè)男人結(jié)婚后,他的妻子遲早會(huì)使他疏遠(yuǎn)他的老朋友,但馬熱麗反而使查理與朋友們的關(guān)系更近了。她不僅使他變得更能容忍別人,也使他成為一個(gè)更合群的人。讓人忍俊不禁的是,他倆不像是一對已婚的夫婦,倒像是一對在一起生活的中年光棍。一般情況下都是六七個(gè)男人在爭論和打趣,開著下流玩笑,而只有馬熱麗一個(gè)女人陪著他們。她在場不僅不會(huì)使他們感到拘束,反而使他們更開心。只要我回到英國,我肯定會(huì)去看望他倆。他們一般都在我前面提到的俱樂部吃飯。如果我有空的話,我就會(huì)與他倆一起用餐。
那天傍晚我與他們夫婦倆一起用過點(diǎn)心,之后我們又一起玩了一會(huì)兒。我告訴他倆,我已經(jīng)邀請莫頓過來吃晚飯。
“他這個(gè)人可能有點(diǎn)兒乏味,”我解釋道,“但他是一個(gè)很不錯(cuò)的小伙子。我在婆羅洲的時(shí)候,他待我非常好。”
“你為什么不早點(diǎn)兒告訴我?”馬熱麗嚷道,“這樣我就會(huì)帶個(gè)姑娘來的。”
“找個(gè)姑娘來干嗎?”查理說,“這里不有你嘛。”
“我想,讓一個(gè)小伙子跟我這么大歲數(shù)的女人跳舞,他不會(huì)很開心。”馬熱麗說。
“胡說八道!你的歲數(shù)跟跳舞有什么關(guān)系!”查理轉(zhuǎn)過身來對我說道,“跟你跳過舞的女人中,有比她跳得更好的嗎?”
答案當(dāng)然是肯定的了,但她跳舞跳得確實(shí)很好,舞步非常輕盈,而且節(jié)奏感把握得非常好。
“從來沒有。”我語氣誠懇地說道。
我們?nèi)说竭_(dá)席羅茲俱樂部的時(shí)候,莫頓已經(jīng)在那里等著我們了。他穿著晚禮服,顯得膚色更黑了。也許是我知道這些西裝已經(jīng)在一口鐵皮箱中,伴著樟腦丸躺了四年的緣故,我總覺得他穿著西裝有些不自然。他肯定還是身著卡其布的短衣短褲更感輕松自在一些。查理·畢肖普是個(gè)健談的人,喜歡一個(gè)人說個(gè)不停,而莫頓卻有幾分靦腆。我給他要了一杯雞尾酒,還要了點(diǎn)兒香檳。我感覺他會(huì)很樂意跳舞,但不知他是否想到可以請馬熱麗跳。我深深地感覺到了我們之間的代溝。
“我想我應(yīng)該告訴你,畢肖普夫人可是一位出色的舞者。”
“是嗎?”他有點(diǎn)兒臉紅,“能否請您跳支舞?”
她站了起來,兩人開始跳舞。那天晚上她的衣著看起來不僅是時(shí)髦,簡直可以用絕美一詞來形容了。我估計(jì)她那身很普通的黑色服裝價(jià)值頂多不過六個(gè)金幣,但穿在她身上,卻使她顯得像個(gè)貴婦人。她的腿形非常好看,而當(dāng)時(shí)流行穿非常短的裙子,因此她得以受益其中。我想她可能化了點(diǎn)兒淡妝,但與其他女人相比,她看起來非常自然。她很適合短發(fā),頭發(fā)烏黑锃亮,沒有一根白發(fā)夾雜其中。她的長相稱不上漂亮,但她待人的親切態(tài)度,她精神飽滿的神態(tài),她健康的身體都給你一種感覺,即便你沒覺得她是一個(gè)漂亮的女人,至少也會(huì)認(rèn)為她漂不漂亮都無關(guān)緊要。她跳完舞回到座位上后,雙眼閃閃發(fā)光,臉色緋紅。
“他跳得怎么樣?”她丈夫問道。
“好極了。”
“您的舞也跳得很好,與您搭配非常輕松。”莫頓說道。
查理繼續(xù)他滔滔不絕的演講。他說起話來幽默諷刺,他之所以讓人感到有趣,就是因?yàn)檫B他都對自己說的話興趣盎然。但莫頓對他所說的話一無所知,盡管他出于禮貌擺出一副感興趣的樣子,但我可以看得出,歡快的氣氛讓他非常激動(dòng),他更關(guān)注音樂和香檳,而不是談話。當(dāng)舞曲聲再次響起來的時(shí)候,他立即探尋地瞅瞅馬熱麗。查理捕捉到了他的目光,微笑起來。
“再跟他跳一曲,馬熱麗??茨闾鑼ξ业纳眢w也有好處。”
他倆又去跳舞了。查理用愛戀的眼神瞅了她一眼。
“馬熱麗今天很開心。她非常喜歡跳舞,可我跟她跳舞就喘不上氣來。這個(gè)小伙子不錯(cuò)。”
我的小派對很成功。當(dāng)我和莫頓同畢肖普夫婦告別后,我倆一同步行前往皮卡迪利廣場。在路上他非常真切地對我表示了感謝,他說他過得真的很愉快。我同他道了別。第二天早上,我就出國了。
我很遺憾自己沒法為莫頓做多點(diǎn)兒事。我知道等我回到英國的時(shí)候,他可能正在返回婆羅洲的路上。我不時(shí)會(huì)想起他。但等到秋天我回到英國后,我已經(jīng)完全忘記他了。大約在我回到倫敦一個(gè)星期后的一天晚上,我偶然到查理·畢肖普也是會(huì)員的那家俱樂部去玩,看到查理正與三四個(gè)我認(rèn)識(shí)的男人坐在一起,我便走上前去。我這次回來后還沒見過他們。其中一個(gè)人叫比爾·馬什,他的妻子珍妮特是我的老朋友。他邀請我一起喝一杯。
“你上哪兒去了?”查理問道,“最近一直沒有看到你。”
我立刻注意到查理喝醉了,我非常吃驚。查理喜歡喝酒,但他很有分寸,從來都不會(huì)喝過頭。我倆都很年輕的時(shí)候,他偶爾也喝醉過,或許這件事比任何事都能說明他是一個(gè)多么偉大的人,況且把一個(gè)人年輕時(shí)偶爾喝過量的事翻出來是不公平的。但在我的記憶中,查理只要喝醉了就會(huì)丑態(tài)百出,他會(huì)更具攻擊性,會(huì)變成一個(gè)聲如洪鐘的話癆,很容易跟人吵起來。他現(xiàn)在就是這樣,說話武斷,拒絕聽取任何關(guān)于他魯莽言辭的反對意見。其他人知道他喝醉了,一方面對他無理攪三分的勁兒感到生氣,一方面又覺得既然他喝醉了,就不要與他計(jì)較了。他是一個(gè)很難相處的家伙。他這么大歲數(shù)了,有點(diǎn)兒發(fā)福,還禿了頂,戴著一副眼鏡,卻醉得一塌糊涂。他通常都是一副衣冠楚楚的模樣,但現(xiàn)在卻如此衣衫不整,全身沾滿了煙灰。查理叫了服務(wù)生,又點(diǎn)了一杯威士忌。這個(gè)服務(wù)生已經(jīng)在這家俱樂部工作了三十年。
“您桌上還有一杯呢,先生。”
“讓你干啥你就干啥,”查理·畢肖普說道,“馬上給我拿兩杯威士忌來,否則我就要投訴你怠慢客人。”
“好吧,先生。”服務(wù)生說道。
查理端起桌上那杯威士忌,一飲而盡。但他的手有些顫抖,因此灑了一些酒在身上。
“好了,查理,老伙計(jì),咱們該走了。”比爾·馬什說道,然后他轉(zhuǎn)身對我說,“查理今天來這里的時(shí)間不長。”
現(xiàn)在我感到更驚訝了,但我覺得有些地方不對勁兒,想著最好還是什么都不說。
“我這就走,”查理說,“但我走之前要再喝一杯。這樣我今晚就能睡個(gè)好覺了。”
在我看來這個(gè)聚會(huì)沒有馬上散伙的意思,因此我站了起來,說我想走著回家了。
“我說,”看我要走,比爾說道,“明天晚上你過來跟我們一起吃飯,好不好?就我、珍妮特和查理三個(gè)人。”
“好的,我很高興過來。”我答應(yīng)道。
顯然出了什么岔子。
馬什夫婦住在攝政公園東側(cè)的一排住房內(nèi),為我開門的女傭讓我到馬什先生的書房去,他正在那里等我。
“我想我最好還是在你上樓前跟你嘮幾句,”他一面與我握手一面說道,“你知道馬熱麗把查理給甩了嗎?”
“當(dāng)然不知道!”
“他對這始終不能釋懷。珍妮特認(rèn)為讓他自己一個(gè)人郁郁寡歡地待在那套小公寓里太殘酷了,因此我倆邀請了他到我們這里住一段時(shí)間。我們盡可能地為他料理好一切。他現(xiàn)在酗酒成狂,他已經(jīng)失眠兩個(gè)星期了。”
“她不會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)離開他吧?”
我感到非常震驚。
“她是要這樣。為了一個(gè)叫莫頓的家伙,她簡直瘋了。”
“莫頓?哪個(gè)莫頓?”
我壓根兒沒想到他會(huì)是我在婆羅洲認(rèn)識(shí)的那個(gè)朋友。
“該死的,就是你介紹的他,看你做的好事?,F(xiàn)在咱倆上樓去,我想最好還是讓你先明白一下自己的處境。”
他推開門,我倆走出了書房。我徹底糊涂了。
“可是,聽我說。”我說。
“去問珍妮特,她了解整件事情。這件事真讓我莫名其妙。我現(xiàn)在真受不了馬熱麗,查理這下肯定垮了。”
他引著我走進(jìn)客廳。我進(jìn)屋后,珍妮特·馬什站起身,走上前來歡迎我。查理正坐在窗邊看晚報(bào),看我正朝他走去,他就把報(bào)紙放到一邊,同我握握手。他十分清醒,說話依然是那種快活的語氣,但我注意到他看起來狀態(tài)很差。我們喝了一杯雪利酒,然后走下樓去吃飯。珍妮特是個(gè)精力十足的女人,她個(gè)子高挑,容貌姣好,她機(jī)警地使談話持續(xù)進(jìn)行下去。當(dāng)我們幾個(gè)男人要去喝杯葡萄酒的時(shí)候,她命令我們不許超過十分鐘。比爾平時(shí)是一個(gè)沉默寡言的人,現(xiàn)在卻在千方百計(jì)找話說。我恍然大悟。我剛才光顧著想到底出了什么事,卻沒有意會(huì)到他們夫婦的苦心。顯然,馬什夫婦是不想讓查理陷入沉思,因此,我也盡力說些有趣的事。查理似乎也愿意盡量配合我們,他總是喜歡滔滔不絕地說個(gè)沒完?,F(xiàn)在,他正站在一個(gè)病理學(xué)家的角度,探討最近公眾熱議的一起謀殺案,但他的話聽起來干巴巴的??磥硭F(xiàn)在干什么都沒有心思了。你會(huì)感覺到他為了回應(yīng)主人的好意正強(qiáng)迫自己說話,但他的心思卻在別的地方。頭頂上的地板令人欣慰地跺響了,這是珍妮特不耐煩的信號(hào)。這種場合最需要一個(gè)女人來緩解氣氛了。我們走上樓去,一起打了會(huì)兒橋牌。時(shí)間很晚了,當(dāng)我要與他們告別的時(shí)候,查理說他要送我到馬里波恩路。
“查理,現(xiàn)在太晚了,你最好還是上床睡覺吧。”珍妮特說道。
“我睡覺前散散步,能睡得實(shí)一些。”他回答道。
她有些擔(dān)心地瞅瞅他。但一個(gè)年歲已到中年的病理學(xué)教授要想出去走走,你是攔不住的。她眼睛一亮,瞥了一眼她丈夫。
“我想讓比爾去散散步也無妨。”
我想這句話不大明智,女人們通常有點(diǎn)兒太愛管事。查理不高興地瞅了她一眼。
“完全沒必要把比爾也拖出去。”他口氣堅(jiān)決地說道。
“我一點(diǎn)兒也不想出去。”比爾笑著說道,“我累壞了,我要上床睡覺了。”
我想,我倆出去后,比爾·馬什跟他妻子一定會(huì)拌幾句嘴。
“他們倆對我真是太好了。”當(dāng)我倆沿著柵欄向前走去的時(shí)候,查理對我說,“如果沒有他們,我真不知道自己會(huì)干出什么蠢事來。我有兩個(gè)星期沒有合眼了。”
我對此表示遺憾,但并沒有詢問原因。我倆就這樣靜靜地走了一段路。我猜他和我一起出來是想要告訴我這件事的來龍去脈,但我感覺他并不急于講述。我渴望表達(dá)我的同情,但又擔(dān)心說錯(cuò)話,我不想讓自己看上去就像要從他那里獲取信心一樣。我不知道該怎樣引導(dǎo)他說這件事,我相信他也不需要?jiǎng)e人去引導(dǎo),他不是一個(gè)說話愛繞圈子的人。我想他是在考慮怎么說才好。我們走到了街道的拐角處。
“你可以在前面的教堂打到出租車,”他說,“我要再溜達(dá)一會(huì)兒。晚安。”
他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭,然后沒精打采地走了。我大吃一驚,卻又無可奈何,只能繼續(xù)向前走,直到打到一輛出租車。第二天早上我正在洗澡,電話鈴聲響了起來。我在身上裹了一條毛巾,渾身濕漉漉地跑出來接了電話。電話是珍妮特打來的。
“好吧,你對這一切怎么看?”她問道,“看樣子昨晚你跟查理一起待了很長時(shí)間啊。我聽說他回家的時(shí)候已經(jīng)凌晨三點(diǎn)了。”
“他在馬里波恩大街就跟我分手了,”我回答道,“他什么也沒跟我說。”
“是嗎?”
珍妮特的語氣中透露出她想要跟我長嘮一陣,我猜她用的是床邊的電話。
“聽著,”我趕緊說,“我正洗澡呢。”
“噢,你在洗澡間安了一部電話?”她熱情地問道,我甚至覺得她還有點(diǎn)兒羨慕。
“沒有。”我斬釘截鐵地說,言語有點(diǎn)兒魯莽,“我把地毯都弄濕了。”
“哦!”我感到她的語氣中有些失望,還有一點(diǎn)兒不高興,“好吧,什么時(shí)候我可以見你?你能在十二點(diǎn)的時(shí)候來一趟嗎?”
這個(gè)時(shí)間不太方便,但我不打算跟她爭辯了。
“可以,再見。”
我不容她再說什么就把電話掛斷了。天堂里的人們打電話時(shí)肯定也是一句廢話也沒有。
我很喜歡珍妮特,但我知道沒什么事比她的朋友遭遇不幸更能讓她興奮的了。她只是太急于幫助他們,但她總想深入?yún)⑴c到他們的不幸之中。她是那種患難之交,她愿意卷入別人遇上的麻煩事,樂此不疲。如果你卷入了一場風(fēng)流韻事,你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)不知怎的她就成了你的紅顏知己,或者如果你在鬧離婚,你也會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)她多半會(huì)插一手。加之她的確是一個(gè)很不錯(cuò)的女人。第二天中午,當(dāng)我被領(lǐng)進(jìn)珍妮特的客廳時(shí),她急不可耐地接待我的樣子,讓我不禁心中暗笑。她為畢肖普所遭遇的不幸大感悲痛,但這件事很刺激,能有一個(gè)讓她把整件事的來龍去脈都一一相告的人,她簡直高興得要死。珍妮特期待這場談話,就像一個(gè)母親期待與家庭醫(yī)生討論她已婚女兒的第一次分娩一樣。珍妮特知道這件事很嚴(yán)重,她也從未輕看這件事,她打定主意要從這件事中挖掘出所有的快樂。
“我想,當(dāng)馬熱麗告訴我,她已經(jīng)打定主意要與查理分手時(shí),沒有誰比我更感震驚了。”她非常流利地說道。一個(gè)人只有一字不落地把這句話至少說上十來遍,才能達(dá)到這種流利程度。“他倆是我所認(rèn)識(shí)的人中關(guān)系最密切的一對了。他們一見如故,締結(jié)了一樁美滿的婚姻。當(dāng)然,比爾和我的關(guān)系很不錯(cuò),但我倆也要不時(shí)地大吵一頓。我想,我有時(shí)真想殺了他。”
“我對你與比爾的關(guān)系一點(diǎn)兒興趣都沒有,”我說道,“跟我說說畢肖普夫婦的關(guān)系吧。我過來就是想聽這個(gè)的。”
“我只是感覺得要見見你,畢竟你是唯一能把這件事解釋清楚的人。”
“噢,上帝,千萬別這么說。如果不是前天晚上比爾告訴我,我對這件事一無所知。”
“是我讓他先告訴你的。我突然想到你也許還不知道這件事,我擔(dān)心你冒冒失失地說錯(cuò)話。”
“你就從頭說起吧。”我說道。
“好吧,就從你開始吧。不管怎么說,你是這場麻煩的始作俑者,你向他倆介紹了那個(gè)年輕人,這也是我為什么急著見你的原因。你非常了解這個(gè)人,而我從來沒有見過他,我對他的了解全來自于馬熱麗告訴我的那些話。”
“你幾點(diǎn)吃午飯?”我問道。
“一點(diǎn)半。”
“我也是。接著講這個(gè)故事吧。”
但我的話使珍妮特有了一個(gè)主意。
“聽我說,如果我退掉我的午餐的話,你會(huì)退掉你的嗎?我們可以在這里吃點(diǎn)兒便餐。我這里還有一些冷盤肉,這樣我們就不用著急了。我三點(diǎn)鐘去做頭發(fā),這樣我們就有的是時(shí)間了。”
“別,別,別。”我連忙拒絕,“我不同意這個(gè)主意。我至多只能待到一點(diǎn)二十分。”
“那我就只能簡單說了。你認(rèn)為格里這個(gè)人怎么樣?”
“誰是格里?”
“格里·莫頓。他的名字叫杰拉爾德。”
“這我哪知道?”
“你跟他在一起待過。他的住處沒有什么信件嗎?”
“可能有,但我不可能碰巧去讀這些信。”我有些尖銳地回答道。
“別說這樣的蠢話了,我指的是信封。他是一個(gè)什么樣的人?”
“好吧。他有點(diǎn)兒像吉卜林,你知道這個(gè)類型的人是什么樣。他工作非常賣力,為人真誠,是為大英帝國擴(kuò)張疆土立下汗馬功勞的人。”
“我說的不是這個(gè)意思。”珍妮特有點(diǎn)兒不耐煩地大聲喊道,“我是說,他長得怎么樣?”
“我想,他長得很普通。當(dāng)然,如果我再次見到他,我應(yīng)該還能認(rèn)出他來,但我無法非常清晰地把他描繪出來。他看起來很干凈。”
“噢,上帝,”珍妮特喊道,“你還是不是一個(gè)小說家了?他的眼睛是什么顏色的?”
“我不知道。”
“你肯定知道。你跟任何一個(gè)人在一起待上一個(gè)星期,都不可能不知道他的眼睛是藍(lán)色還是棕色,他的皮膚是黑還是白?”
“既不太黑,也不太白。”
“他的個(gè)子是高還是矮?”
“我想應(yīng)該算中等個(gè)兒吧。”
“你是故意想惹我發(fā)火嗎?”
“絕對不是。他就是很普通,他身上沒有任何地方能引起你的注意。他長得既不丑,也算不上英俊。他看起來很正派,像是個(gè)紳士。”
“馬熱麗說他長得很可愛,笑起來很迷人。”
“可能是這樣。”
“他瘋狂地愛上了她。”
“你是怎么得出這個(gè)結(jié)論的?”我冷淡地問道。
“我看過他寫的信了。”
“你是說她把他寫的信都給你看了?”
“這有什么奇怪嗎?當(dāng)然是了。”
對于一個(gè)男人來講,他們很難忍受女人們將他們的隱私泄露給他人。這些女人真是不知廉恥,她們可以在一起談?wù)撃信g最私密的事情而絲毫不感到尷尬。莊重是男性特有的美德,盡管一個(gè)男人知道這一點(diǎn),但每逢女人們做出缺乏矜持之事的時(shí)候,他還是感到極為震驚。不僅是他的信件被馬熱麗和珍妮特·馬什讀了,而且連他迷戀于她的狀況馬麗熱也逐日隨時(shí)告知了珍妮特,我真想知道莫頓要是知道了這個(gè)情況,他會(huì)怎么想。根據(jù)珍妮特的描述,他對馬熱麗是一見鐘情。他倆在席羅茲俱樂部我的那個(gè)小型晚餐聚會(huì)上相識(shí)后的第二天早上,他就給她打電話,邀請她過來,找一個(gè)能跳舞的地方跟他一起喝茶。我一邊聽著珍妮特的故事,一邊想,她的敘述顯然是根據(jù)馬熱麗的描述而來。我決定不帶偏見地聽下去。讓我感興趣的是,珍妮特同情的一方居然是馬熱麗。當(dāng)馬熱麗拋棄了她的丈夫后,讓查理過來跟他們一起住兩三個(gè)星期是她的主意,她說免得他孤零零地待在那個(gè)小公寓內(nèi)黯然傷神。珍妮特對查理照顧得也確實(shí)非常到位,幾乎每天都陪他吃午飯,因?yàn)樗呀?jīng)習(xí)慣了每天都與馬熱麗一起吃午飯。她每天都陪他到攝政公園散步,讓比爾在周日陪他打高爾夫球。她非常耐心地聽他講自己不幸的故事,盡可能地給他撫慰。她為他感到非常難過,但她照樣明確地站在馬熱麗一邊。當(dāng)我表示不贊成她這樣的做法時(shí),她狠狠地訓(xùn)了我一頓。這件事讓她非常興奮。從一開始馬熱麗面有得色又猶疑不決地到她這里,微笑著告訴她,自己有了一個(gè)相好的年輕人,到最后馬熱麗怒氣沖沖又心神不寧地來到她這里,宣布自己再也無法忍受這種壓力,已經(jīng)帶著自己的行李離開了公寓,她都參與其中。
“當(dāng)然,起初我也無法相信自己的耳朵。”她解釋道,“你非常了解查理與馬熱麗,他倆簡直就是形影不離,關(guān)系親密到連別人都禁不住要笑話他們了。他這樣一個(gè)矮小的男人,我從來都不認(rèn)為有什么吸引力,但我無法不喜歡他,因?yàn)樗麑︸R熱麗太好了。我有時(shí)甚至有些嫉妒她。他們沒有錢,住的地方也是一片混亂,但他們非??旎睢.?dāng)然,我從沒想過他倆的關(guān)系會(huì)出現(xiàn)問題。馬熱麗也只是把這當(dāng)作一件有趣的事而已。‘我自然沒有非常認(rèn)真地對待這件事。’她對我說,‘但到了我這個(gè)年齡還能和一個(gè)年輕人在一起真的很有趣。已經(jīng)有好多年沒人給我送鮮花了。我告訴他不要再送了,因?yàn)椴槔頃?huì)認(rèn)為這樣太愚蠢了。他在倫敦沒有任何親人和朋友,而且他喜歡跳舞。他說跟我跳舞就像在做一場夢。他總是自己一個(gè)人去電影院,真是太凄慘了。我倆一起看了兩次日場電影。每次我答應(yīng)與他一起出去時(shí),他那副感激的樣子真是太可憐了。’‘我得說,’我說,‘他聽起來像只小羊羔。’‘沒錯(cuò),’她說,‘我知道你能理解我。你不會(huì)責(zé)怪我的,對吧?’‘當(dāng)然不會(huì),親愛的。’我這樣回答她,‘你對我還不了解嗎?我要是處在你這樣的情況下,也會(huì)這樣做的。’”
馬熱麗并沒有向她丈夫隱瞞她與莫頓出去游玩的事,而查理也只是打趣她對他的小男友溫厚有加,但他認(rèn)為莫頓是一個(gè)非常彬彬有禮、講話討人喜歡的小伙子,并且很高興在自己忙碌的時(shí)候,能有個(gè)人陪著馬熱麗一起玩。他從未吃過莫頓的醋。他們?nèi)诉€一起吃過幾次飯,一起看了一場演出。但不久后,格里·莫頓懇求馬熱麗跟他獨(dú)處一晚上。馬熱麗說這不可能,但他不斷懇求,讓她不得安寧。最后,有一天她找到珍妮特,讓她幫忙給查理打電話,叫他晚上過來吃飯,并告訴他要打橋牌,獨(dú)缺他一人。查理從不在晚上撇開妻子,一個(gè)人外出。但馬什夫婦是他的老朋友了,而珍妮特又特別重視這件事。珍妮特編造了一些荒誕無稽的借口,讓這個(gè)聚會(huì)看起來很重要,使查理無法缺席。第二天馬熱麗與她見了面,告訴她昨晚妙極了。他倆一起在梅登黑德飯店吃的飯,還跳了舞,然后在夏日的深夜開車回家。
“他說他瘋狂地迷上了我。”馬熱麗這樣告訴她。
“他吻你了嗎?”珍妮特問道。
“當(dāng)然吻了。”馬熱麗咯咯地笑道,“別說傻話了,珍妮特。他非??蓯?,性格非常好。當(dāng)然,我并不全信他對我說的話。”
“親愛的,你不會(huì)愛上他了吧?”
“我已經(jīng)愛上他了。”馬熱麗回答說。
“親愛的,這不是要有點(diǎn)兒難辦了嗎?”
“這場戀情不會(huì)很長的,他秋天就要返回婆羅洲。”
“噢,你現(xiàn)在看上去確實(shí)年輕了好幾歲。”
“這我知道,我也感覺自己年輕了好幾歲。”
沒過多久他倆就每天見面了。他倆在上午見面,然后一起到公園去散步,或者一起去美術(shù)館。中午時(shí)分他倆就會(huì)分開,因?yàn)轳R熱麗要陪她丈夫一起吃午飯。午餐后他倆又會(huì)一起開車去郊外兜風(fēng),或者開到河邊的一處地方。這些事馬熱麗沒有告訴她丈夫,她很自然地認(rèn)為他無法理解。
“你怎么就從來沒有見過莫頓呢?”我問珍妮特。
“哦,是她不讓我見。你看,我跟馬熱麗屬于同一代人,我完全能理解她的這個(gè)做法。”
“我明白了。”
“當(dāng)然,我是盡可能幫她的忙。只要她跟格里出去時(shí),她總是借口上我這兒來。”
我是一個(gè)非常注重細(xì)節(jié)的人。
“他們倆就沒有做出軌的事嗎?”我問道。
“哦,沒有。馬熱麗不是那種人。”
“你怎么知道的?”
“如果真有這種事,她會(huì)告訴我的。”
“我猜她應(yīng)該干了這樣的事。”
“我當(dāng)然問過她,但她斷然否認(rèn)了。我相信她對我說的是實(shí)話。他倆之間從來沒有發(fā)生這類事。”
“對我來說這似乎有點(diǎn)兒難以理解。”
“好吧,你要知道,馬熱麗是一個(gè)很好的女人。”
我聳了聳肩膀。
“她對查理絕對忠誠,無論如何她都不會(huì)欺騙他,她不能忍受自己有任何瞞著查理的念頭。當(dāng)她意識(shí)到自己愛上了格里時(shí),她馬上就想把這件事告訴查理。我當(dāng)然懇求她別這樣做,我告訴她,這樣做沒有任何好處,只會(huì)讓查理傷心。不管怎么說,這個(gè)小伙子兩個(gè)月后就要走了,把一件不會(huì)持續(xù)很長時(shí)間的事鬧得滿城風(fēng)雨不會(huì)有什么好處。”
但格里返程的日子越來越近,這促使了這個(gè)事件的爆發(fā)。畢肖普夫婦早已計(jì)劃像往常一樣出國去旅行,他們這次打算駕車穿越比利時(shí)、荷蘭和德國北部。查理忙著尋找各地的地圖和旅游手冊,他從朋友們那里收集有關(guān)旅館和道路的信息。他盼著自己的這個(gè)假期,像一個(gè)中學(xué)生一樣興奮不已。馬熱麗沮喪地聽著他議論這次旅行。他倆要離開四個(gè)星期,而格里九月份就要乘船走了。她與格里在一起的時(shí)間本來就不長了,現(xiàn)在又要浪費(fèi)掉這么長一段時(shí)間,這讓她難以忍受。她一想起這趟駕車旅行就滿腔怒火,隨著假期一天天逼近,她的情緒也越來越不安。最終,她決定只能跟他攤牌了。
“查理,我不想進(jìn)行這次旅行了。”一天,他正在跟她談?wù)搫偮犎苏f起的一家餐廳時(shí),她突然打斷了他的話,“我希望你找別人跟你一起去。”
他目瞪口呆地望著她。她也對自己剛才脫口而出的話感到吃驚,她的嘴唇微微顫抖起來。
“為什么?出什么事了嗎?”
“沒什么事,我就是不想去了,我想自己一個(gè)人待一段時(shí)間。”
“你生病了嗎?”
她從他的眼神中看到了突然降臨的恐懼,他的關(guān)心使她更加難以忍受。
“沒有,我的人生中從未這么好過。我愛上了一個(gè)人。”
“你?你愛上誰了?”
“格里。”
他極為震驚地看著她,無法相信自己的耳朵。而她誤解了他的表情。
“責(zé)怪我也沒有用,我不由自主地就愛上了他。他幾個(gè)星期后就要走了,我不想把這點(diǎn)兒寶貴的時(shí)間浪費(fèi)掉。”他突然大笑起來。
“馬熱麗,你怎么這么傻呀?你的歲數(shù)差不多可以做他的母親了。”她的臉紅了。
“他也同樣愛我。”
“他是這樣告訴你的嗎?”
“他這樣說了無數(shù)遍。”
“他是一個(gè)該死的騙子,就是這么回事。”
他咯咯地笑個(gè)不停,他的胖肚子樂得直抖,他認(rèn)為這是一個(gè)天大的笑話。我猜查理沒有以恰當(dāng)?shù)姆绞綄Υ钠拮?。珍妮特似乎認(rèn)為查理應(yīng)該表現(xiàn)出體貼和同情的態(tài)度,他應(yīng)該理解這件事。我看到了她內(nèi)心所想的場景:查理嘴唇緊繃,默默地傷心,最后宣布兩人斷絕關(guān)系。女人對他人表現(xiàn)出來的自我犧牲之美總是非常敏感。如果他勃然大怒,打碎一兩件家什(當(dāng)然,他還會(huì)買一件新的補(bǔ)上),或者朝馬熱麗的下巴重重地打上一拳,珍妮特也會(huì)對他表示同情。但嘲笑她卻是不可原諒的錯(cuò)誤。我沒有指出,對于一個(gè)矮胖的、年齡已達(dá)五十五歲的病理學(xué)教授而言,要讓他像一個(gè)洞穴人一樣對突然的變故做出反應(yīng),這也太難了一點(diǎn)兒。不管怎么說,他倆預(yù)定去荷蘭的旅行取消了,畢肖普夫婦在倫敦度過了八月份。他倆都不怎么開心。他倆的中飯和晚飯依然在一起吃,因?yàn)檫@么多年來他們早已習(xí)慣如此。而其余的時(shí)間馬熱麗都與格里一起度過。她與他在一起的時(shí)間極大地彌補(bǔ)了她所忍受的痛苦。查理喜歡開粗俗的玩笑,對她和格里百般挖苦、千般嘲弄,以此為樂事。他堅(jiān)持拒絕嚴(yán)肅地對待這件事情。他很生馬熱麗的氣,因?yàn)樗绱擞薮溃@然他從未想過她會(huì)不忠于自己。對此,我與珍妮特有不同的看法。
“他甚至從未懷疑這一點(diǎn)。”她說,“他太了解馬熱麗了。”
幾個(gè)星期過去了,格里終于搭船離開了。他是從蒂爾伯里[4]上的船,馬熱麗為他送了行。她回來后哭了兩天兩夜。查理看著她,愈來愈生氣,他的脾氣變得非常暴躁。
“聽我說,馬熱麗,”最后他說道,“我對你一直很有耐心,但現(xiàn)在你必須重新振作起來。這件事已經(jīng)超過開玩笑的限度了。”
“你就不能讓我自己待一會(huì)兒嗎?”她喊道,“我什么都沒有了,生活對我而言已經(jīng)沒有什么意義了。”
“別再犯傻了。”他說。
我不知道他還說了些別的什么話,但他將自己對格里的評(píng)價(jià)說給她聽真是太不明智了。我推測他一定是用極其惡毒的語言描述了格里。他倆大吵了一架。以前他倆從未這樣激烈地爭吵過。她過去之所以能夠忍受查理的冷嘲熱諷,是因?yàn)樗?,再過一個(gè)小時(shí)或一天,她就又能見到格里了。而現(xiàn)在她永遠(yuǎn)也見不到格里了,她再也無法忍受這樣的語言刺激了。她已經(jīng)忍耐了幾個(gè)星期,現(xiàn)在,她把自我控制拋到九霄云外去了,也許她根本就不知道自己都對查理喊了些什么。他本來就是一個(gè)脾氣暴躁的人,最后他動(dòng)手打了她一巴掌。這一巴掌將兩人都嚇了一跳。他抓起帽子,轉(zhuǎn)身沖出了公寓?;楹蟊M管生活艱辛,但他們始終共享著一張床。但當(dāng)他后半夜返回家中后,他發(fā)現(xiàn)她在客廳的沙發(fā)上為自己搭了一個(gè)地鋪。
“你不能睡在這兒,”他說道,“別犯傻了,到床上睡去。”
“不,我不會(huì)去的。別管我。”
這一晚他倆接著爭吵。但她已經(jīng)打定主意,以后每晚都在沙發(fā)上睡。但公寓這么小,他倆誰也逃離不了對方,甚至對方的一舉一動(dòng)自己都能看見,對方說的話也都會(huì)灌進(jìn)自己的耳朵里。他倆在一起親密無間地生活了這么多年,出于本能他倆也要待在一起。他試圖跟她講清道理。他認(rèn)為她傻得令人不可思議,不斷跟她爭吵,想要讓她知道自己是多么執(zhí)迷不悟。他不讓她自己一個(gè)人待著,也不讓她睡覺。他一講就講到后半夜,直到兩人都筋疲力盡為止。他認(rèn)為他能通過講道理讓她擺脫這場愛情。有一次,他倆兩三天時(shí)間彼此都沒有說話。一天,他回家后發(fā)現(xiàn)她正在痛哭??吹剿诹鳒I,他亂了方寸。他告訴她,自己多么愛她。他回憶起兩人這么多年來所度過的幸福時(shí)光,試圖用這個(gè)辦法來感動(dòng)她。他想讓這件事就這樣過去。他許諾再也不提起格里了。他倆真的能忘記經(jīng)歷的這場噩夢嗎?但這種隱含和解的想法使她感到惡心了。她對他說,自己頭痛欲裂,讓他給她拿瓶安眠藥水來。第二天早上他出門的時(shí)候,她還假裝在睡著。但他一離開家門,她就將自己的東西打包好,離開了公寓。她有幾件繼承來的廉價(jià)首飾,變賣掉這些首飾后,她手上有了一小筆錢。她在一家廉價(jià)寄宿公寓內(nèi)租了一間屋,沒有告訴查理自己的住址。
查理發(fā)現(xiàn)馬熱麗離開自己后就垮了,她的逃離所帶來的打擊徹底擊潰了他。他告訴珍妮特,自己無法忍受這種孤獨(dú)。他給馬熱麗寫信,乞求她回來;他請珍妮特為他求情,他愿意做出任何保證,他卑躬屈膝,但馬熱麗執(zhí)拗地不愿回去。
“你認(rèn)為她終有一天會(huì)回去嗎?”我問珍妮特。
“她說絕不回去。”
現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)是近一點(diǎn)半了,我必須走了。我駕車向倫敦城另一端駛?cè)ァ?/p>
兩三天后,我收到了一通馬熱麗的電話留言,她問我能否見她一面,提議到我的住處來。我招待她喝了茶。我盡量對她表現(xiàn)得友好一些,雖說她的風(fēng)流韻事與我無關(guān),但我發(fā)自內(nèi)心地認(rèn)為她是一個(gè)愚蠢的女人。我猜自己的態(tài)度挺冷漠的。她的長相從來也稱不上漂亮,流逝的歲月也改變不了這一點(diǎn)。她的一雙黑眼睛還是那樣好看,讓人感到吃驚的是,她臉上一點(diǎn)兒皺紋都沒有。她的穿著很普通,要是化了妝的話,那就太在行了,反正我沒有看出來。她仍然透著那么一種魅力,讓你覺得她是一個(gè)非常自然的人,一個(gè)和藹中帶著幽默的人。
“如果你愿意的話,我想請你為我做件事。”她開門見山,一點(diǎn)兒也不拐彎抹角。
“什么事?”
“查理今天就要離開馬什夫婦的家,回到自己的公寓了,我擔(dān)心他頭幾天會(huì)很難過,如果你能請他吃晚飯或陪他活動(dòng)活動(dòng),那就太好了。”
“我得看看我的書。”
“據(jù)說他現(xiàn)在喝酒喝得很兇。他是在作踐自己。我希望你能提醒提醒他。”
“據(jù)我所知,他最近是在為家里的事煩惱。”我說話的語氣可能有幾分譏諷的味道。
馬熱麗的臉紅了,她痛苦地看了我一眼。她的臉部扭曲著,就好像我剛才給了她一拳似的。
“當(dāng)然,你認(rèn)識(shí)他的時(shí)間要遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超過認(rèn)識(shí)我的時(shí)間,所以你自然會(huì)站在他的一邊。”
“天哪,告訴你實(shí)話吧。這些年來我之所以熟悉了他,主要還是你的緣故呢。我從來都不太喜歡他,但我認(rèn)為你的為人非常好。”
她對我笑了,她的笑容很甜。她知道我這個(gè)人說一不二。
“你認(rèn)為對他而言我算是個(gè)好妻子嗎?”
“絕對。”
“他經(jīng)常惹得別人不高興,很多人都不喜歡他,但我從來都沒覺得他難處。”
“他非常喜歡你。”
“這我知道。我倆在一起的時(shí)候很美好。十六年來我倆都過得很幸福。”她停頓了一下,目光漸漸下移,“我不得不離開他,我倆不可能再在一起了,這種雞犬不寧的生活太可怕了。”
“我從來都不明白為什么不想一起生活的兩個(gè)人還要繼續(xù)一起生活下去。”
“你瞧,這對我倆來說太可怕了。我倆的關(guān)系一直都非常親密,從來都是難舍難棄。結(jié)果,現(xiàn)在我卻不愿多看他一眼。”
“我想,目前你倆的處境都不容易。”
“我愛上了他人,這并非我的過錯(cuò)。你瞧,這與我對查理的愛完全不同。我對格里的愛包含著母愛,意在對他進(jìn)行保護(hù)。我比查理要理性得多。他這個(gè)人很難相處,但我跟他相處得一直都很好。但格里不同。”她的聲音變得溫柔起來,她的面容也出現(xiàn)了光彩,因而顯得有些漂亮了,“他讓我重返青春了。對他來說我是個(gè)女孩,跟他在一起我有一種可以依靠的感覺,感到很安全。”
“我也認(rèn)為他是一個(gè)不錯(cuò)的小伙子。”我語速很慢地說道,“我想他以后會(huì)過得很好的。我遇見他的時(shí)候,他的年紀(jì)于他所從事的工作而言著實(shí)太年輕了。他現(xiàn)在也才剛二十九歲,是不是?”
她溫柔地笑了。她知道我說的是什么意思。
“我從未對他隱瞞過自己的年齡,他說這沒有關(guān)系。”
我知道她說的是實(shí)情,她不是那種刻意隱瞞自己年齡的女人。她在告訴格里自己年齡的時(shí)候,曾感到這是一件極為快樂的事情。
“你今年多大了?”
“四十四歲。”
“現(xiàn)在你打算怎么辦呢?”
“我已經(jīng)給格里寫了信,告訴他我已經(jīng)離開了查理。只要我一收到他的回信,我就打算去跟他一起生活。”
“你要知道,他住在一個(gè)非常原始的小部落。我恐怕你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)自己處于一個(gè)極為尷尬的位置。”
“他向我保證,如果在他離開之后我無法找到自己的生活,就去找他。”
“你將一個(gè)年輕人在愛的沖動(dòng)下所說的話當(dāng)真,做出了如此重大的決定,你確信這樣明智嗎?”
極度興奮的表情又出現(xiàn)在她臉上,讓她看起來真的很漂亮了。“是的,當(dāng)這個(gè)年輕人碰巧是格里的時(shí)候。”
我的心情很沉重,我沉默了一會(huì)兒,然后向她講了格里·莫頓督建那條公路的故事。我講的有點(diǎn)兒夸張,我想這樣效果會(huì)更好一些。
“你給我講這個(gè)故事想說明什么呢?”我講完后她這樣問我。
“我只是想,這是一個(gè)不錯(cuò)的故事。”
她搖搖頭,笑了。
“不,你是想通過這個(gè)故事來告訴我,他非常年輕,非常有熱情。他是個(gè)工作狂,因此,他不會(huì)在其他興趣上浪費(fèi)太多時(shí)間。我不會(huì)影響他的工作。你對他的了解不如我,他非常浪漫,他將自己看成了一個(gè)開拓者,他對于自己親自參與了一個(gè)新國家的開發(fā)而激動(dòng)不已,連我都被他感染了。這難道不是一樁宏偉的事業(yè)嗎?與之相比,我們在這里的生活真的很無聊和平庸。當(dāng)然,那里的生活非常孤獨(dú),甚至連有一個(gè)中年婦女陪伴都變得很不錯(cuò)。”
“你打算嫁給他嗎?”我問道。
“我完全聽他的,我不想做任何他不愿意做的事。”
她說的話非常簡潔,但她委曲求全的態(tài)度深深地打動(dòng)了我。她走后,我感到自己已經(jīng)不怨恨她了。當(dāng)然,我依然認(rèn)為她很愚蠢。但如果愚蠢的男人將一個(gè)女人惹怒了,那么這個(gè)女人將終其一生都處于長期憤怒的狀態(tài)。我想一切都會(huì)過去的。她說格里非常浪漫,他確實(shí)如此,但在這個(gè)平凡的世界里,浪漫只是他們胡說八道的托詞,因?yàn)樗麄儗?shí)際上擁有一種敏銳的現(xiàn)實(shí)感,而最易受騙的則是那些只注重浪漫的表面意義而一意孤行的人。英國人很浪漫,所以其他國家的人都認(rèn)為英國人虛偽。但英國人絕非都是些偽君子,他們是真心實(shí)意地想建立一個(gè)理想的天國。但這個(gè)過程是艱難的,英國人有理由在這個(gè)過程中學(xué)會(huì)任何能找到的穩(wěn)當(dāng)投資。英國人的心靈就像威靈頓將軍旗下的大軍一樣,需要充足的物資保障。我想格里收到馬熱麗的信后會(huì)度過糟糕的十五分鐘。我并非多么同情他,我只是想看他如何擺脫他所面臨的這個(gè)困境。我想馬熱麗會(huì)經(jīng)歷一次痛不欲生的失望,好吧,這并不會(huì)對她造成太大的傷害,然后她就會(huì)回到她丈夫的身邊。我相信經(jīng)過這場磨難之后,他們倆會(huì)在一片和平、安寧和幸福之中度過余生。
這件事卻不同尋常。碰巧最近幾天我沒可能與查理·畢肖普進(jìn)行任何形式的約會(huì),但我有寫信給他,邀請他于下周的某個(gè)晚上跟我一起吃晚飯。雖然有些猶疑,但我還是提議飯后一起去看場戲劇。我知道他是個(gè)大酒鬼,如果喝高了,就會(huì)嘮嘮叨叨個(gè)沒完。我希望他不會(huì)在劇院里被人討厭。我們約定在我們所屬的俱樂部碰頭,七點(diǎn)左右開始吃飯。之所以定在這個(gè)時(shí)間,是因?yàn)槲覀z想去看的那場戲?qū)⒃诎它c(diǎn)一刻開始演。我到了那里,坐下來等著他。但他沒有來。我打電話到他公寓,也沒人接,所以我估計(jì)他可能正在路上。我很煩錯(cuò)過戲劇的開頭。我焦急地站在俱樂部的大廳等著,這樣只要他一到,我倆就可以直接上樓了。為了節(jié)省時(shí)間,我已經(jīng)點(diǎn)好了菜。時(shí)鐘指向了七點(diǎn)半,然后是七點(diǎn)四十五。我認(rèn)為沒有必要再等下去了,因此就上樓進(jìn)了餐廳,自己一個(gè)人吃了晚飯。他還是沒有出現(xiàn)。我要了一個(gè)從餐廳接到馬什夫婦家的電話,很快一個(gè)服務(wù)員過來告訴我,是比爾·馬什接的電話。
“我說,你知道查理·畢肖普在哪里嗎?”我說道,“我倆約好一起吃晚飯,然后去看戲,但他沒來。”
“他今天下午死了。”
“什么?”
我大吃一驚,說話的語氣引得周圍兩三個(gè)人都抬頭看我。今天餐廳爆滿,服務(wù)員都在不停地忙碌。電話放在收銀員的柜臺(tái)上。一名負(fù)責(zé)送酒水的服務(wù)員托著一個(gè)盤子走過來,盤子上放著一瓶霍克酒[5]和兩個(gè)高腳玻璃杯,他遞給收銀員一張記賬單。一個(gè)大塊頭服務(wù)員正引著兩個(gè)男人前往一張餐桌,他擠了我一下。
“你在哪里打電話呢?”比爾問道。
我猜他聽到了我周圍盆盤刀叉撞擊發(fā)出的聲音。我告訴他后,他要我一吃完飯就馬上到他那里去,說珍妮特有話要對我說。
“我馬上過去。”我答應(yīng)道。
我到達(dá)時(shí)比爾跟珍妮特正坐在客廳里,比爾在看報(bào),珍妮特在玩單人紙牌游戲。當(dāng)女傭把我領(lǐng)入后,她馬上走了過來。她邁著跳躍的步伐,稍有點(diǎn)兒下蹲,但腳下不出動(dòng)靜,就像一頭美洲獅在逼近獵物。我立即就看出來,她現(xiàn)在是如魚得水,非常適應(yīng)這種情況。她握住我的手,把臉扭到了一邊,以免讓我看到她溢滿了眼淚的雙眼。她說話的聲音低沉,充滿了悲痛之情。
“我把馬熱麗帶回了我家,讓她上床睡了。醫(yī)生給她開了一劑安眠藥,她全都服了進(jìn)去。這件事太可怕了,是不是?”她說話的聲音介于喘息和抽泣之間,“真不知為什么我的身邊總出現(xiàn)這類事情。”
畢肖普夫婦一直沒有雇做家務(wù)的用人,只是找了一個(gè)鐘點(diǎn)工,每天早上過來打掃房間,清洗早飯后用過的刀叉碗碟等。鐘點(diǎn)工有房門的鑰匙。這天早上,她一如既往地打開房門,清掃客廳。自從他的妻子離開了他,查理的作息時(shí)間就變得非常混亂,因而看到他還在睡覺,她也沒有感到意外。但上班的時(shí)間到了,她知道他需要去上班,還有工作等著他完成。她在臥室的門上敲了敲,但沒有回答聲。她認(rèn)為自己聽到他在呻吟,便急忙推開房門。他面朝上地躺在床上,打著呼嚕。他還在睡著。她叫他,他身上的某些癥狀讓她感到害怕。她來到對門的公寓,那里住著一名記者,她按門鈴的時(shí)候他還在床上,穿著睡衣給她開了門。
“打攪您了,先生,”她說道,“您能不能過來一下,看看我的東家怎么了。我想他不大對勁。”
這個(gè)記者穿過過道,來到查理的公寓內(nèi)。一個(gè)安眠藥的空瓶子正放在床邊。
“我想你最好還是找個(gè)警察來。”他說。
一個(gè)警察來了,他立即用電話向警局要了輛救護(hù)車。他們把畢肖普送到了查令十字街醫(yī)院,但他再也沒有恢復(fù)意識(shí)。他咽氣的時(shí)候,馬熱麗陪在他的身邊。
“警方當(dāng)然要進(jìn)行一番調(diào)查了,”珍妮特說道,“但這件事情很明顯。最近三四個(gè)星期他嚴(yán)重失眠,我猜他一直在服用安眠藥。他一定是意外地服用過量了。”
“馬熱麗也是這么認(rèn)為的嗎?”
“她的情緒非常不穩(wěn),腦子亂成了一鍋粥,但我告訴她,我確信他不是自殺身亡的。我的意思是說,他不是這樣想不開的人。我說得對嗎,比爾?”
“沒錯(cuò),親愛的。”
“他留下遺書沒有?”
“沒有,一個(gè)字都沒有。奇怪的是,馬熱麗今天早上收到了他寄給她的一封信。哦,那幾乎稱不上一封信,就是一個(gè)字條。字條上只有一行字,‘親愛的,沒有你我太孤單了。’就這樣。這張字條當(dāng)然說明不了什么,她向我保證不對警察提這張字條的事。我的意思是說,讓別人聯(lián)想起其他事情來有什么好處?人人都知道,只要是扯上了安眠藥,事情就說不清道不明了。不管出了什么事,我今后都不會(huì)服用安眠藥了。這件事明顯是個(gè)意外事故。我說得對嗎,比爾?”
“沒錯(cuò),親愛的。”他答道。
我看得出來,珍妮特堅(jiān)信查理·畢肖普不是自殺而亡,但她內(nèi)心里有幾分相信她想去相信的事呢?我不是一個(gè)夠格的女性心理學(xué)家,對此我分析不出來。當(dāng)然,也許她是對的。一個(gè)中年科學(xué)家由于中年發(fā)妻離開了自己而自殺,這種假設(shè)太荒謬了。極有可能的情況是,由于飽受失眠的折磨,在極不理智的情況下,他服用了比他所想的劑量要大的安眠藥。不管怎么說,驗(yàn)尸官的結(jié)論就是這樣。他被告知,最近查理·畢肖普酗酒成癮,導(dǎo)致了他妻子的離家出走。很明顯,他求死心切。驗(yàn)尸官對死者的遺孀表達(dá)了同情,并反復(fù)強(qiáng)調(diào)了濫用安眠藥的危險(xiǎn)。
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